Pulse Wrestling RAW Report for March 12, 2007
In memory of Ernie Ladd (1938-2007)
They show a recap from last week’s Michaels/Cena, Rated-RKO, MNM shenanigans… Can the World Tag Team Champions trust each other? Why are they the tag champs again? All of these questions, yet no answers…
We’re LIVE in Washington, DC, and your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler!
“John Ce-nah sucks… John Ce-nah sucks…” And the Champ is THERE.
John’s not sure if he trusts Shawn. When is he gonna stab Cena in the back? It’s apparently fine with him. But if it’s fine with him, how’s it betraying him? Wouldn’t he be betraying him only IF he DIDN’T turn on him? Since, ya know, it’s OKAY with him? Cena wants Shawn to come out and kick him in the teeth, so we get D-X music and here comes HBK, and he’s naked!
Well, he’s not naked. He just LOOKS naked, only wearing one title belt compared with Cena’s two. TWO~!
Showing how focused he is, Shawn admits he only has one goal, and that’s to become WWE Champion at Wrestlemania. Apparently he has another goal — he wants to know why no one’s asking when John Cena is gonna turn on HBK. Turns out Cena has a look on his face, and will do whatever he can to keep the title, and that’s what Michaels digs about him. That and his stunning resemblance to Matt Damon. Shawn steps up to Cena, but…
Coach is here! The bald-headed freak says not to beat each other up, since Vince’s being inundated with tag teams asking for a title shot. Three teams will be challenge for HBK and Cena’s tag titles in a gauntlet match. The final match is in a steel cage. A FIFTEEN FOOT HIGH STEEEEEEL CAGE!
But is it electrified?
Before we can find out the answer to that question, a limo pulls up, and George Takai comes out! No… wait… it’s The Donald.
Ric Flair vs. Carlito vs. Randy Orton in the SECOND EVER Triple Threat Qualifying Match for the Money in the Bank is TONIGHT, but first…
— commercials —
Back from commercial, with Hollywood celebs (Kelly Hu, Rex Lee, Dayna Devon & Mark McGrath from Extra, Lou Diamond Phillips, Shanna Moakler, Jason Alexander) talking about who they want to see bald between McMahon and Trump — most say Donald.
Ya know, the Capitol building is pretty sweet. I kinda love rotundas. Except Mike.
It’s time for the first match of the evening, the MitB Qualifier!
Match One: Ric Flair vs. Carlito vs. Randy Orton – Money in the Bank Qualifier
They show clips from Khali decimating Colon and Flair last week and then growling, leading to a no contest and tonight’s rematch that Orton somehow snuck into. Well not “somehow.” We were shown last week that Orton was gonna get Coach to add him to this match, which means he’ll probably win. What? Like you’re surprised.
Torrie’s not at ringside ’cause she’s preparing for her match later tonight. Hey, don’t laugh – getting two-sided tape to stick to oiled-up tits can be a bitch!
I don’t do play-by-play, so just trust me when I say that Flair and Carlito come out like houses-a-fire, and take turns going after the EVIL son of a cowboy. Something tells me neither one of them will win this match. And by “something” I mean “Dave Meltzer.”
I’ve never SEEN so many chops. Okay, that’s a complete lie. Flair chop-blocks his former protégé to show off to his new protégé, but then realizes you shouldn’t show off when it’s every man for himself.
Flair takes a back-cracker from Carlito, then takes an RKO and gets eliminated!
Wait — eliminated? So this is a three-way DANCE, not a triple threat match? Next thing they’ll be saying it’s extreme rules or something…
— commercials —
We’re back, and it’s all about the Rugged Randy Orton Stomp. Orton’s now got Carlito in the corner, and it’s all about punches to the Latin-fro. There’s a boring double count-down, and it’s all about the guy in the front row with the “JR Sweats BBQ Sauce” sign.
Randy sets up the RKO, but it’s reversed to a Cool-a-canrana, and lots of punches and kicks, a kneelift, a lariat, and a “flapjack” (I missed the move, but that’s what JR said, plus, I don’t do play-by-play). Twisting lionsault, but he can only get two, and then he gets crotched on the ropes somehow, which leads to an RKO out of nowhere and the win for Orton.
Winner, and final entrant into the MitB Match – Randy Orton
Randy Orton’s all growns up, and, well, that wasn’t expected at all.
The MitB competitors are official: Ken Kennedy vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. King Booker vs. Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Fit Finlay. This should be a good one.
We get a video recap of the Vince vs. Lashley portion of the “Battle of the Billionaires” storyline, as I put some water on to make some soup. I love me some soup. I also thought Lashley’s hand-squeezing segment on ECW last week was probably the best promo the guy’s done since getting called up from OVW.
Still to come! BotB Contract Signing and World Tag Title Gauntlet! BUT FIRST…
— commercials —
Back, with a clip from last week’s Smackdown, where Khali attacks Kane backstage and grunts. I’m not sure but I THINK he wants to fight Kane at Wrestlemania. Me? I’m still holding out hope we’ll see Khali vs. Kane vs. Snitsky!
Chris Masters is in the ring, ready for the Masterlock Challenge. No one’s coming out for the Challenge, so Masters suggests Lillian. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if there’s anyone super or crazy enough to break the Masterlock. BUT WAIT!
Match Two: Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy – Masterlock Challenge
Chris Masters knocks him out and it’s over. He also needs a shave.
Winner – Chris Masters!
We’re in the parking lot and it’s yet ANOTHER limo. Sulu? Great Muta?! NO! Vince McMahon is here! And he tells Donald’s driver to let Trump know “mine is bigger than his.” I don’t get it.
Mick Foley book promo — “Two things I can’t turn on are a computer and a woman, but man, I can write words with a pen.” He also talks about how he hates DX, Randy Orton spitting on him led to one of the best things to ever happen in the business, comments in his book may surprise Ric Flair, and you should never say “suck it” unless there’s a “please” in front of it.
— commercials —
I’m sorry but it still bugs me out BIG TIME that MLB 2k7 uses “Territorial Pissings” in its commercial… freakin’ Courtney.
We’re back with a tribute video to WWE Hall of Famer, the late Ernie Ladd, showing highlights of some great promos, comments from Jim Ross, Bruce Prichard and others.
Edge and Randy are in the locker room, talking about Edge’s 12 ladder matches to Randy’s zero; Edge’s undefeated record at Wrestlemania and “the only reason you’re undefeated at Wrestlemania is because you’ve never faced me at Wrestlemania;” plus, Randy’s both younger and better-looking than Edge.
FINALLY … THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW! That’s right, we’ve got a public service announcement from the former WWE Undisputed Champion, via satellite from Los Angeles. He predicts Vince will have his head shaved, claims that “Umaga” is Samoan for “shriveled up monkey penis,” and indirectly reminds everyone that RAW really doesn’t have any new wrestlers who can cut a promo. Excuse me, I’m gonna go mark out, and I’m not sure I want to admit that…
— commercials —
Back, with a video promo for Ashley’s Playboy, which I’ve seen and hey — it’s pretty hot, in an airbrushed/overly made-up sorta way.
Are you ready? It’s time for the Gauntlet! AND SOUP!
Match Three: World Tag Team Championship Gauntlet Match
Champs John Cena and Shawn Michaels vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin)
Shelton and John to start, and TWGTT has matching tights, so things aren’t looking good for the champs! Haas no longer has cornrows, and has replaced them with blonde highlights… Haas works Cena over, but Cena gets a lukewarm tag to Michaels, who takes over. Some illegal double-teaming from the heels leads to Michaels doing a Flair Flip in the corner, and he cleans house, so Cena gets the blind tag, the crowd BOOS, and it’s a submission win with Haas tapping to the STFU.
Winners – Cena and Michaels
Champs John Cena and Shawn Michaels vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
Ya know, maybe this will be a good one, since Lance was, ya know, TRAINED by Michaels. Cade actually looks great — maybe it’s the new tights and haircut, or maybe he’s, oh I donno, just in the ring with one of the best of all time. Lots of double-teaming in the corner on Michaels, who plays Ricky Morton for as long as one can play Ricky Morton in a match this fast-paced. Bearhug by Cade on Michaels to work HBK’s bad back, and the crowd cheers their favorite out of the hold. Enziguiri, gives Shawn enough time to crawl to his corner and get the hot tag to Cena. Mixed crowd reaction as Cena sets Murdoch up for the FU, but Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music on Murdoch, Cena gives him a GLANCE, and then pins Murdoch for the 1-2-3!
Winners – Cena and Michaels
The cage lowers and we head to…
— commercials —
Champs John Cena and Shawn Michaels vs. MNM (Johnny Nitro and Smackdown’s Joey Mercury) – Steel Cage Match
AHA! They can’t be… can they? We join this third of the Gauntlet in progress, and a minute or so later, and we’ve got Michaels getting DAMAGED, and strategically kept on MNM’s side of the ring, since it’s apparently traditional tag-rules, just inside a cage, and Cena’s holding on to the tag rope like a good babyface champion. No Melina at ringside, as she has a match to prepare for. And the announcers are putting over Mercury’s Armageddon injuries huge.
In fact, Mercury is no longer wearing the mask, and I think HE’S actually the babyface with Cena now in the ring. Cena lawn-darts Joey into the cage, and now all rules are out the window, as all four men are in the ring.
Sweet Chin Music, FU, and Mercury’s pinned, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever. At least have someone “accidentally” hit someone else with their move or something.
Winners and STILL Champions – John Cena and Shawn Michaels
After the match, Cade, Murdoch, Haas, Benjamin, Nitro and Mercury attack the champs, who clean house on ALL SIX MEN. Cena picks up a chair, looks like he’s going to hit HBK, and instead hits Haas, then walks to the back. Michaels is frustrated, throws the chair aside, and follows a few seconds later.
Ya know, this is where Vince Russo booking would actually be HELPFUL, because as much as it’s his biggest weakness, his attention to people other than the TOP main eventers can also be a positive, particularly in situations like these. Would there have been ANY harm in having MNM win the belts due to Cena/Michaels “miscommunication,” and THEN have them beat everyone up? At least Nitro and Mercury would have something to DO at Mania then… But whatever, it’s time for…
— commercials —
We’re back, and it’s Bobby Lashley’s turn for an “all grown up” video, and then our next match, pitting two MitB contestants together:
Match Four: Jeff Hardy vs. Edge
Um, maybe not? Seriously, who’s Edge sleeping with where he gets to book his own matches? Mr. Copeland comes out in jeans, and he’d like NOTHING MORE than to beat up Hardy, but since we’re in Washington, DC, home of the Redskins, and he can’t perform “in a city that encourages such a racial slur against Native Americans.” Good thing he has an Indian friend!
Match Four: Jeff Hardy vs. The Great Khali
Side-note: isn’t Johnny Nitro, who Edge claimed was a quarter- or eighth-Black last week, actually part Native American?
Jeff starts getting squashed when Edge’s old nemesis Kane comes out, holding the See No Evil hook, causing Edge to run to the back, Khali to “run” away, and scaring the shit out of Lawler and Ross. In a cool visual, he hooks the announce table, and tears it apart, then goes to the center of the ring and we get some FIRE.
Winner – NO CONTEST
Backstage, Donald’s in make-up, getting some hair-spray treatment, and asks the stylist if Vince’s hair is fake or not. “I’d… rather not say, sir.”
— commercials —
We’re back, and the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame is… MR. FUJI! (“I LOVE MR. FUJI!”)
Todd Grisham is backstage with Mick Foley and his book… which is available “in bookstores right here in Washington, DC.” He says that Vince will be shaved bald, that he will be on ECW tomorrow night, and — but here’s Ashley! She wants to trade a magazine for a copy of Hardcore Diaries, but Mick says he can’t look at the pictures, and reads a quote from his book where he says he’s happy to just know Playboy models want to be friends with him. Of course she tricks him, and shows Mick a spread, to which Foley can only say… “DAMN” (with a little help from Faarooq, of course).
A graphic comes up for the Battle of the Billionaires Tale of the Tape:
Height: Trump – 6’3″ / Vince 6’2″
Weight: Trump – Less Than Rosie O’Donnell / Vince – More Than Bob Costas
Nickname: “The Donald” / “The Genetic Jackhammer”
Walk: Trump – Calm, Cool Stride / Vince – Arm Flapping Power March
People Kiss His Ass – Trump – Figuratively / Vince – Literally
Vince is now getting his hair done. He tells the hairdresser Jill that he’s bigger, but Trump has a bigger ego. He asks her to be honest about whose hair is better, and before she can answer, Coachman comes in and kisses some ass, figuratively. Coach’s head reminds Vince of Trump.
— commercials —
Who knew Snoop was part of the RAW Fan Nation?
We’re back, with highlights from last week’s Falls Count Anywhere Match between Melina and Mickie, including showing Mickie almost falling directly on her head. Scary spot there…
Melina comes out to the ring, no MNM with her. JR and Lawler talk about how Melina will officially face Ashley at Mania, how Melina says she’d NEVER pose for Playboy, and that this is a non-title match…
Match Five: Women’s Champion Melina vs. Torrie Wilson
Lawler and Ross keep talking about Melina never posing nude, which I guess is Vince telling Heff who next year’s cover girl should be… Quick match ends with Melina pinning Torrie with a school-girl rollup, using the tights.
Winner – Melina
After the match, Melina beats down Torrie, but Mickie, with a new dark-brown die-job, comes out to make the save, followed by Victoria to even things out. Ashley’s out now, and shoulder-blocks Melina, who ends up out of the ring. Torrie and Mickie toss her back into the ring (hints at a future Lumberjack Match?), but Ashley has NONE OF THAT, and tosses her back out the other end.
Vince is strutting backstage, and Edge proposes that Rated-RKO take care of Bobby Lashley tomorrow night on ECW. So it’s Randy Orton vs. Bobby Lashley on ECW, with the stipulation that if Randy doesn’t show up, he gets thrown out of the Money in the Bank Match. Ha!
— commercials —
Aside from Lashley/Orton, it’s announced that tomorrow on ECW we’ll see the ECW Originals vs. New Breed in an Extreme Battle Royal, plus an appearance by Mick Foley!
Next week on RAW is “Wrestlemania Reversal Night” – Shawn Michaels vs. JBL and John Cena vs. Chris Benoit!
Vince McMahon comes down to the ring, and SLIPS entering the ring, but of course, Lawler and Vince play it off perfectly and it’s like it never happened. The crowd “WHAT?!”s Vince to death, and he tells them stop it, and “if you’re a jerk from Washington, say what” or something close to it. This is Vince McMahon’s world, and Trump will NOT embarrass him.
Vince introduces Umaga, who comes out with Armando Alejandro Estrada and his new tattoo that unfortunately doesn’t say “shriveled-up monkey penis.” He’s lost some weight, so that wouldn’t fit anyway…
Vince claims that Trump left, since there’s been a delay… but here he is — and he’s got Maria to his right and Candice to his left. Trump’s on the mic, he says Vince was scared of Bobby Lashley, who comes out to the ring.
They sit at the desk, the crowd chants for Austin, Vince shakes his head as he signs, and then tells Trump that this is the last contract he’ll sign with hair on his head. Vince says his guy will kick Umaga’s ass. Vince makes buzzing and clipping noises and notes that “95% of all celebrities polled” want to see Trump’s head shaved, but Donald claims that 95% of Hollywood celebs in fact want Vince’s head shaved. Vince calls the fans idiots, Trump calls them smart, and then GLASS BREAKS.
Well, it’s 11:06, so it’s time for Austin to drive up the overrun rating. He grabs Vince’s mic after his ring entrance, and asks the crowd if you think Vince is gonna win, give me a “Hell yeah!” so of course the crowd reacts with a “Hell yeah!” He asks the fans if Donald will win, and they give a much louder “Hell yeah!”
Austin cuts a promo on Trump, in his face, with lots of “What?!”s and says not to get under his skin or he’ll open up an eight billion dollar can of whoop-ass on him. Vince laughs, so Austin berates him. “Do you have a problem with bald-headed people?” he asks, as Lashley gives him the evil eye.
Austin leaves, then Vince tries to get the last word on Donald and walk away… but Donald cuts him off, shows the crowd a picture of Vince photoshopped bald, then challenges Vince to come back to the ring. Vince teases it, Donald tells Lashley to leave to make it even, and Vince steps between the ropes, takes off his jacket, throws a chair to the side, and Trump tosses Vince across the table that’s set up in the ring and onto his ass as the show closes.
Solid show, with Austin’s promo MUCH better than last week on ECW. The only thing I didn’t like was the result of the Tag Gauntlet, but the return of The Rock made up for it from an entertainment standpoint, and the two real wrestling matches were pretty good as well, as was the build for tomorrow’s ECW and next week’s RAW.
Stay tuned to Pulse Wrestling for further coverage of RAW and all the news, reviews and analysis leading towards Mania!
