I SAY THAT BECAUSE I BET RANDY ORTON WILL BE THERE!
IN A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
HERE AT THE
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight is:
MIKE! – He’s 365 Days Til Wrestlemania
BILL! – He’s 180 Days Til Wrestlemania
ERIC! – He’s 90 Days Til Wrestlemania
JENNA! – She’s 45 Days Til Wrestlemania
JEFFREY! – He’s 22.50 Days Til Wrestlemania
HERNANDEZ! – He’s 11.25 Days Til Wrestlemania
DANI! – She’s my Wrestlemania…
and your host – Me, James Hatton, and I AM Wrestlemania!
And always attached to this, we have the In Your House players – the Inside Pulse Formers.
We get an In Memory of Ernie Ladd screen. He will be missed.
NOw onto the show – Shawn laid out by Ordge – Nitro fights Cena – Michaels questions whether or not to help Cena – Michaels helps Cena.
Here comes Cena! New shirt: “Live Fast, Die Hard!”
“When can we get TNA on Monday.. so we don’t have to watch a promo at the beginning of the show” – Mike
Cena explains that they are tag team partners, but at Mania they have no friends. He then calls out Michaels to come out to kick the teeth down Cena’s throat.
“John Cena’s got big features on a little head.” – Bill
Heeeere comes Shawn!
Shawn has told Cena that nothing is going to happen to him until Mania, because Shawn wants the WWE championship. Shawn agrees. He has one goal for Mania, and that’s to be the champion.
“Praise Jesus” – Mike
“Hallelujeigh” – Bill
Shawn wants to know if Cena is going to turn on Shawn. So Cena tosses the mic from Shawn and are they going to get it on? Of course not, Coach is here.
“It would be a shame for you two to fight each other tonight.” – Coach
“It would break my f*cking heart” – Me
Due to his contract signing, Vince can’t be bothered to deal with them. So instead, Coach is going to give them a cage-gauntlet match for the tag titles.
They pull back and Hey.. a cage!
“WHERE’D THAT COME FROM!? WHO PUT IT TOGETHER?!” – Hernandez
“Mistico!” – Me
In the back… Trump is here!
“Let the aschel’s begin!” – Hernandez
Next though – Triple Threat – Carlito – Ric – Randy
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:11
So we go to an ‘E’ flashback to discuss Trump at Mania… hey it’s Lou Diamond Phillips.
“La Bamba!” – Hernandez
“He is awaiting the Spirit Horse to arrive.” – Me
Now it’s time for the triple threat match.
RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO vs. RANDY ORTON
Here comes Ric. While he shows up, they get a flash to last week where Khali beat him up.
Now it’s time for Carlito! He spits in the face of non-cool people.
“HEY!” – Bill
“..hey” – Me
“HEY!” – Bill
“..Pyro!” – Hernandez
“NO!” – Bill
“..hey” – Me
We start and Ric & Carlito begin to chop down Randy! Finally Randy pushes them both at and throws Ric to the ropes.. back body drop and we all wince.
“Dammit Ric!” – Eric
“One of these days he’s going to land and burst like an old potato” – Bill
Carlito then leaps onto Orton. Orton gets out of it. Ric rolls him up for two. Now it’s doubleteam spots on Orton.
“So is Mr. Shit In A Bag gonna win?” – Jenna
“Ric shits in a bag too, it’s just a colostomy..” – Bill
The food arrives so we stop watching for a moment. We come back and Carlito and Ric are still doubleteaming on Randy, each taking their shot at two count pin attempts.
Randy gets his knee clipped a bit. Eats a backelbow. Now Carlito seems to be upset as Ric goes for a figure four. Ric just pushes him out of the way. Of course until Carlito then hits him with the Backcracker!
Randy now throws Carlito to the outside… turns and hits the RKO on Flair… that’s that.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON — no wait!
Oh Wait! It was an elimination match.. WHO KNEW?!?!
Carlito runs in and dropkicks Orton over the top!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:22
We come back and Randy has Carlito in a standing Boston Crab. Carlito hits the ropes..
“I gave up Sabado Giganto for THIS!” – Hernandez
Orton drops him and then hits the Garvin Stomp. We mark.
“No appendage is safe.” – JR
“Eww” – Me
“No Phalange will be untouched” – Hernandez
Orton now throws Carlito corner to corner for a pin time. Chinlock spot.
“SHOCKING!” – Me
Belly to back from Carlito.
“Carlito, remember that shit I did last week… do it again.” – Jenna
Carlito throws Orton to the ropes and misses the dropkick. Randy now sets up the RKO….. Carlito leaps up and hits a rana.
“FRANKENSTEINER!” – Hernandez
Carlito then hits a the flapjack. Two count.
“Orton is such a sandbagger” – Mike
Carlito runs to the corner, moonsault to his feet. Enziguiri. Pin for two. Corkscrew Senton… TWO COUNT!?!? Geezus. He charges Orton in the corner again and eats nuts on the top rope.
RKO out of nowhere…. Win
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
“What Triple Fucking H booking THAT was..” – Me
“That was retarded” – Dani
“..bitchy.” – Hernandez
So we have the full Money In The Bank roster now…. What does the Rabble think about who is going to win:
“The leprechan” – Dani
“Randy Orton” – Mike
“Edge” – Eric
“Kennedy.. wait this isn’t a mic.. this is honey mustard” – Bill
“Does it matter?” – Jenna
“Yes.” – Me
“WEREN’T EXPECTING THAT WERE YA!” – Bill
“Kennedy” – Jeffrey
“Owen Hart…” – Hernandez
“He DOES have an advantage..” – Mike
“I bet you twenty bucks that Owen doesn’t win” – Dani
“I’m almost tempted to take that bet.” – Hernandez
“I’ll go in halves on it with you…” – Mike
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:35
It’s now time for a Masterlock Challenge.
“Lillian said that with SUCH conviction..” – Eric
“Can I throw something at the screen?” – Dani
“It’s your dad’s bar… do what you want” – Hernandez
*throws a french fry at the screen* – Dani
Nobody shows up – so Masters offers Lillian to do it!
Wait.. he is Super… he is Crazy!
Crazy runs in – dropkicks knee – top rope – dropkick – wheelbarrow spot from Crazy RIGHT into the Masterlock.
Admittedly, nice set-up.
“He didn’t fall for the Masterlock. It’s siesta time.” – Me
“That’s why he went so fast, he only had precious scant seconds.” – Hernandez
Pulling up to Trump’s Limo…. Vince’s Limo!
“KEY HIS LIMO!” – Me
“He owns both so whatever..” – Eric
Vince walks up to Trump’s limo driver. So he wants to let Trump know that his is bigger.
“Vince is a limo?” – Eric
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:43
Ernie Ladd montage. fantastic. Him doing promos with the Grand Wizard.
“Mr. Wizard” – Mike
“That was Don Herbert you asshole” – Me
1938 – 2007… Ernie Ladd.
“I thought they should have had that at the beginning.” – Mike
In the back Orton and Edge discuss Money In The Bank. Orton talks.
“…he’s a fantastic speaker…” – Dani
Edge declares he’s undefeated at Wrestlemania.
Why? He never faced Orton.
Now we are asked to watch the TItantron for a Public Service Anouncement… a man in front of a newspaper.
“The Rock” – Mike
“Yes.” – Me
It is in fact the Rock.
“FINALLLYYY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW” – Rock
“That’s it.. I’m done.” – Hernandez
“Pay me.” – Eric
“He wears a suit better than DAVE does..” – Dani
“The Rock has pretty teeth.” – Insyder Ellie
“I’m surprised HHH hasn’t at cut a promo” – Insyder Soak1313
He asks if we know what Armando means in Samoan. Umaga in Samoan means ‘Shrivelled Up Monkey Penis’. How is Vince going to beat Trump with a monkey penis?
“A fair question.. how IS he going to beat him with a monkey penis.” – Me
“This is just the warm-ups.. he’s doing a promo later.” – Hernandez
“I like that he’s got his title belts next to his refridgerator” – Mike
“And his ironing board” – Eric
“It took every bit of self control I had not to wake up the whole house after shrivelled up monkey penis.” – Insyder More Sassy Cowbell
We get a full end Rock promo… what the Rock is cooking and the like… hot. Plus we hear the Rock music.
“I didn’t think I’d ever hear that on Raw again.” – Jenna
“Finally a promo we can watch!” – Eric
“Does ANYONE pull a promo better than the Rock?” – Dani
“Jericho?” – Mike
“Jericho is good, but Rock just commands the crowd.” – Dani
“Are you guys all talking about the Blue Chipper?” – Me
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:54
Ashley signs some Playboys.
“She’s wrestling at Wrestlemania for the title?” – Mike
“Yes.” – Me
“That f*cking sucks.” – Mike
“I do like her piercings..” – Jeffrey
“Cock rails.” – Mike
“I HATE them!” – Dani
Hey, here comes Shawn!
And now it’s Cena’s time!
CENA & HBK vs. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team
“He cut his hair” – Mike
“He had to get the braids out” – Eric
“He was getting a horrible headache” – Hernandez
“So wait….the contract signing is our main event?? for f*cks sake….is the Riches any good so far?” – Insyder Soak1313
Shelton eats a sitdown hiptoss from Cena. Cena throws him to the corner. Suplex. Cover for two.
Throws Shelty to the ropes – and eats a knee from Haas. No sell. Turns and eats a superkick from Shelton. Now a tag to Charlie and they are kicking the hell out of Cena.
“He’s going to kick him with a briiiidge” – Bill
“Shuuuuun” – Dani
Charlie continues to beat down Cena. Throws Cena to the corner, charges and misses. Cena crawls for the tag.
“This is one of THREE hot tags we’ll see tonight” – Me
HBK hits the ropes. Crossbody.
“Flying burrito!” – Mike
Atomic drop to Charlie & Shelty. Throws Charlie to the corner, gets reversed into a Tree of Woe. Lands on his feet and slams Charlie down… then Cena tags himself in and hits the STFU on Charlie while HBK walks on.
WINNER: CENA & HBK
Here comes Murdoch & Cade.
While Cena is talking with the ref – Shawn gets atomic drop/clothesline set-up. They do the quick tags back and forth on Shawn. Slam from Murdoch to Shawn. Tag. Cade hits a flying clothesline from across the ring. Two. Bearhug from Cade now.
Shawn now fights out of it. Fight for the tag….
“Hot tag Number two!” – Me
In runs Cena, the Boos start… hits the blue thunder and the You Can’t See Me. Goes for the FU… Shawn superkicks Murdoch out of his hands.. but Cena goes for the pin anyway as they go face to face
WINNER: CENA & HBK
Here comes the cage!
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
“Think they’ll give us a surprise?” – Me
“Mike Awesome & Bam Bam” – Mike
“Yoko & Owen?” – Jeffrey
“Nation of Domination” – Hernandez
“Million Dollar Man & IRS” – Eric
“If it’s Cryme Tyme, and they are criminals, doesn’t that give them an unfair advantage in a cage?” – Dani
Ok so we’re back… and … MNM!?!??!?!
“Fuck that shit” – Bill
So anyway.. Cena is in the ring with Mercury with a holdspot. Blech.
Cena fights out of it. Goes and hits Nitro. Tags Shawn.
Throws Mercury to the ropes and kicks him in the face. Shawn charges him and gets launched into the cage.
“I like how Mercury takes off his mask for a steel cage match” – Mike
Mercury now choking out Shawn. Hits a neckbreaker. Tag to Nitro. Double backbreaker. Slam. Nitro now heads to the top.
“Hey he’s gonna miss his moonsault again” – Mike
Misses his moonsault. Nitro gets a tag to Mercury. They fight it out in the middle of the ring as Shawn now crawls for the third hot tag!
There it is. Cena clears house. Grabs Mercury on his shoulder. THROWS him into the cage.
“Lawndart!” – Me
“Watch his nose explode!” – Hernandez
Shawn and Cena now in the ring teasing each other with how bad they beat up Mercury.
“Reeehaaaaab” – Hernandez
HBK now stomps out the Jesus Kick
J E S U S – WHACK! Right into Mercury – Cena hits the FU… that’s that!
WINNER: HBK & CENA
So in run Cade, Murdoch, Shelton, and Charlie — beatings continue, but Shawn and Cena clear them ALL out.
Cena runs out and grabs a steel chair – preps it to hit Shawn. He turns, ducks and it hits Charlie.
“Nobody will win the tag belts ever again..” – Me
They both storm out of the ring, pissy.
“Lillian still has the belts.” – Jenna
“Nobody cares, they are the tag belts” – Bill
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:17
Jeff Hardy’s here!
“Thank God. I wanted an actual match..” – Mike
“He doesn’t look happy” – Hernandez
“Lost his smile?” – Me
Here comes Edge…
JEFF HARDY vs. EDGE
Edge though grabs the mic though. He really would love to beat the hell out of Jeff… but since they are in Washington DC.
“I have to go f*ck Lita.” – Me
He won’t wrestle in a town that promotes racism with their sports team… the Washington Redskins.
“I like that the crowd is boo’ing their own racism..” – Bill
So instead… here comes Khali!
“No wonder he doesn’t look happy.” – Me
“KHALI CRUSH! KHALI SMASH! KHALI NOT GET REDSKINS JOKE!” – Insyder bluelobster
JEFF HARDY vs. KHALI
Jeff beats on his chest. Fails.
Khali hits him in the ches.t He falls.
“Hit him in the knees!” – Bill
“Khali can’t reach his knees!” – Me
Here comes Kane! He’s got a hook!?
“Holy shit it’s Lobo!” – Jeffrey
“He just knows what Khali did last summer” – Insyder Soak1313
Edge bails. Kane gets to the ring.
“I just wanted to know if anyone wanna go fishing?” – Bill
Trump in the back.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:28
Our next entrant into the Hall of Fame:
Mr. Fuji! Nice!
“I love Mister Fuji!” – Me
They get comments from Mean Gene, Bobby Heenan, Ted DiBiase. They show, Crush, Powers of Pain, Don Muraco, Yokozuna, Bezerker.
“HUSS!” – Hernandez & Me
In the back now – Todd talks to Mick Foley – who shills his book. Selling it bookstores… RIGHT HERE IN WASHINGTON, DC!
Ashley shows up! They trade book for Playboy. Mick promises to not look at the pictures.
“But Mick, you can see my kidneys!” – Me
Mick is then forced to see the photo… and there is only one thing he can say.. Hey, Ron Simmons is there.
“DAMN!” – Ron Simmons
“I love you.” – Mick Foley
In the back. Vince is getting his hair sprayed. Nothing important happens.
Next: Melina vs. Torrie
“Paddle on a pole!” – Mike
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:38
Hey – Melina!
“I like her top!” – Me
“So many poor blue leopards died to make that outfit.” – Insyder bluelobster
Torrie! Not as cute of a top.
MELINA vs. TORRIE
We came for Chloe
Torrie starts off with an arm wringer. Surfboard to Melina. Melina then drops and kicks Torrie to the face. Torrie hits a leg take down and a bridge over for two.
Melina throws Torrie to the corner. Counter corner. Melina charges, and Torrie jumps and rolls her up for two.
Melina bails to the outside apron, but grabs Torrie and chokes her across the top rope. Headslams to the mat. Throws Torrie to the ropes and a low shot in the gut. Snapmare from Melina.
“Can Trish come down at Wrestlemania, take the title and run?” – Eric
Torrie blocks a throw – and hits a clothesline or two – we see Torrie’s cameltoe for a moment – Melina rolls her up for three.
She then hits Torrie with the belt.. and beatdowns continue until Mickie James charges in and grabs Melina. Victoria grabs Mickie.
“Melina mounting Torrie!
Mickie mounting Melina!
Victoria mounting Mickie!” – Bill
“The Mountie is here!!!” – Hernandez
“The tension is mounting!” – Bill
In runs Ashley. She charges Melina and throws her out.
“This is totally better than the match!” – Mike
Torrie throws Melina right back in… and Ashley throws her right back out.
“I take that back.” – Mike
“Hasn’t the Rabblecast taught you, you can’t take things back?” – Jenna
In the back Vince and Edge talk. Edge wants Orton to face Lashley at ECW to help Vince out.
“This week on Crosspromotion Corner!” – Eric
The stip is that if Randy doesn’t show, he gets thrown out of the Money In The Bank match. Cute.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:49
Next week – Wrestlemania Reversal Night!
Shawn vs. JBL?
Cena vs. Benoit?
“On Russian Reversal Night – Mania Wrestle You!” – Me
“In Double Double ‘E'” – Mike
Here comes Vince! As he’s come down to the ring.. he slips on the apron!
He sells it as the crowd laugh at him.
“Next time.. from the rafters” – Bill
“As Shane waits in the wings..” – Eric
MAIN EVENT CONTRACT SIGNING
The Austin What’s begin with every single line… What.
Vince declares they are all jerks… What.
Tonight Donald is going to sign a deal to make him the laughing stock of the world… What.
Vince created this world… What.
“While Vince discusses what HE created. You should point out that YOU created the Monday Night Rabble.” – Dani
“Thank you sweetie. I also created INHISLIKENESS.COM” – Me
And here comes Shriveled Monkey Penis.
“Monkey penis destiny champ” – Bill
“…destiny chimp?” – Jenna
So Vince continues to talk – Umaga just stares dumbly.
So Donald gets a Shane Remix… and he comes on down with Maria and Candice.. Hi Maria.
“Why does he get Shane’s music?” – Dani
“They were making it while Vince was talking.” – Mike
So into the ring goes Donald.
“It would have been great if Donald tripped too.” – Mike
Bring back Maria. Much better than this bit.
Donald explains that his jackhammer is nothing for his Trump Towers..
“He’s got two penises?” – Mike
“If it lasts more than 36 hours please call you doctor” – Insyder Soak1313
So Donald introduces Bobby Lashley.
“At least he said his name right.” – Dani
“MILLLLLKDUD! I just got my candy coating!” – Hernandez
“Bobby Lindsay!” – Dani
“I loved him on Whose Line Is It Anyway” – Me
“N -Blank- G G E R S?” – Jeffrey
“That’s Naggers.” – Bill
“This is the biggest f*cking waste of time ever.” – Jeffrey
“No, Austin last week was the biggest waste of time ever.” – Mike
“Hey, where is the wifebeater?” – Dani
So Vince signs it. Donald signs it. Vince taunts Donald with a buzzer noise.
“Umaga freaks out screaming ‘BEE!!!’ and looks for an Epee Pen.” – Me
So it’s all signed.. and at 11:04.. Glass Crash..
“Five minutes late” – Hernandez
“He had to finish a six pack” – Eric
“I’m officially boycotting right now.” – Dani
“Should we get Dani some hairdye for Wrestlemania?” – Jenna
“No, she’s fine, he prefers bleached blondes.” – Jeffrey
“Wait…is Austin in tennis shoes?” – Insyder CaptainWadsworth
“Coz he’s sick of all the racquet… ” – Insyder DBL
Austin gets the mic.
“Looks like we have a disagreement. Let me ask two questions to settle this here in Washington, DC. If you think Vince is going to win this match.. say Hell Yeah!” – Austin
“HELL YEAH!” – Audience
“They just really wanted to say it.” – Bill
“If you think Vince is going to get his head shaved.. gimme a hell yeah.” – Austin
“HELL YEAH!!” – Audience (Note the two exclamation points.)
Austin then gets sassy all over Donald. He actually cuts a really strong Austin promo.
“I want Donald to bitchslap him. Donald could have him killed…” – Dani
After Austin finishes there, he goes over to Vince who is giggling.
“Did I say something funny?” – Austin
“Yes.” – Bill
Austin continues to blather on to Vince. He explains the rules to Vince..
“I’m really glad they brought Stone Cold out to explain the entire match to people.. because before him I never would have understand it.” – Dani
Austin bails. It’s not done?!?!? Vince gets the last word to say he’s going to win.
“Most awkward end to a show ever.” – Eric
“Can I go home now?” – Dani
“I’m surprised you stayed this long.” – Mike
“Wow…we’re running a bit long tonight” – Insyder Soak1313
“Because Nitro is running long as well with Sting and the nWo in a big brawl to end the sho…..wait, it’s not really 1999 is it?” – Insyder CaptainWadsworth
Donald now talks before Vince gets to the top of the key.
“Listen to me Vince. I’ve been watching you every week Vince. In your office. Everywhere.” – Me
“Every breathe you take.” – Bill
“I HAVE YOUR LIFE BUGGED.” – Me
So we get a Vince McMahon shaved head Photoshop picture.
Donald then says to Lashley that since he’s the best, he expects great things.
“Who told him he’s the best?” – Mike
“Bobbie Lindsay is the best.” – Dani
“I’ve heard great things about that guy.” – Me
So now Donald asks Vince to get into the ring. Alone. He has Lashley bail. (11:14)
“People are missing Law & Order for this” – Dani
So in comes Vince. Vince clears the chair away. Vince takes his jacket off and Donald pushes him right over the desk. Ass over head.
“This was lame.” – Mike
“But it will be on every television show this week” – Me
“But it’s still retarded”- Dani
“Is it sad that I’m marking out for a fight between Vince McMahon and Donald Trump?” – Insyder DarkStar
“Its 1999. You can mark out for whatever you want because wrestling is COOL.” – Insyder DBL
So what did the Rabble think of the show?
“Fucking crap.” – Mike
“Wrap. It. Up.” – Bill
“Keeeep your eeeyyyeee on frrruiiit… eh.” – Hernandez
“The Rock bit was hysterical.” – Jenna
“Rock bit bet I’ve seen in a long time. Ending, worst thing ever.” – Jeffrey
“Kane’s pyro was set-up.” – Eric
“Yay for Rock. Ending almost ruined it for me.” – Dani
And that is the end.
Thanks to everyone once again! We’ll see you next week.
Tags: Raw, WWE