First off, let me apologize for not having a column up last week. My computer was giving me trouble, which kept me off the internet at home for a long time and, after much exploration, I have come to realize that my options for free internet in my area are moderately limited.
See, I teach English in a public high school, and, while I do indeed have internet access there, the restrictions placed on said access are, to say the least, extensive. I can hardly access e-mail with funny words in it, let alone insidepulse.com. Anyway, long story short, barring future issues, the column should be weekly and, naturally, as pleasing to read as ever.
Aaaand, tangent part 2, kinda quick: around a week and a half ago, I got an e-mail from a former employee of Inside Pulse, one Scott Sumner, who was inquiring about the title of my column…as it turns out it was the title of HIS column when he was here. Now, I didn’t even KNOW that he had a column here, let alone of the same name, but I apologized for accidentally plagiarizing, but he was really cool about it, and said I could use it with no problem from him. To answer one of his curiousities, I can confirm that neither of us are as clever as we thought. Scott was a really cool guy, and I’m proud to use a name that he approves of, and that we both sort of pulled out of our butts…only on our own.
Aaaand onto the actual show!
We start out with a video package, recapping Destination X and the, frankly, awesome main event. Hot crowd, a ton of near falls, and NO ONE thought that Cage was getting out of that place with the title. Once Samoa Joe came out with fire dancers, it seemed like a lock that Destination X was his night.
Okay, now we REALLY start out, with Jim Cornette inside the Six Sides of Steel. He announces the main event for Lockdown, which is, basically, Wargames, with two ten-men teams. Captain of Team #1: Christian Cage, with Kurt Angle captaining Team #2. Christian tries to complain, but Cornette tells him to shut up and that nobody cares. In a neat touch, the music for the show starts playing, and Christian tries to talk over it to no avail. See, that’s something that I like about TNA; they do some minor outside the box thinking, and it appears innovative in comparison to the often stodgy WWE. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the WWE, but they’re too nervous to break outside of the box, unless it’s showing titties or doing potty humor. ECW was their chance to be a bit alternative, but…well, we all know how that turned out.
There’s a “Hemme Power” sign in the crowd. Really? Spoiler: she will not appear on this show. Are you as crushed as I am, after that godawful thing with the Heartbreakers at Destination X? What a disaster.
Tonight: ANOTHER Six Man match, with Team 3D (with a returning Brother Runt) vs. Alex Shelley and LAX, plus some X Division action.
But first, AJ Styles, complete with crutches, leg brace, and neck brace. Oh c’mon, it wasn’t THAT far a fall. Still, Elevation X…probably shouldn’t happen again, as they probably had the best scaffold match possible. Throw in a few moves that can be done on the X, tease some falls, a quasi-spear, and an ending, which was a bit anticlimactic. Still, no one died, and it wasn’t quite a match; it was more a feature than anything else. Any arguments there?
He says that the Doctor told him his back and ankle will never be the same, and blames Rhino, which is stupid, because AJ was dumb enough to make the open challenge for the match that, according to him, HE created. AJ has his phone out, and says that he can’t call his wife to tell her that he won’t be able to put food on the table, and provide for his kids. He has kids? AJ Styles always looks like he’s twenty years old, although the stubble makes him look, say, twenty-two. He says that he wants Rhino to call his wife, and, coincidentally, Rhino comes out. Rhino faces him down and forces him to a corner of the cage, where AJ begs it off, saying that he just wants it be over, and that he knows that Rhino was “just trying to help” him. Wha? Really? I thought it was about revenge or anger for some stupid thing…honestly, does anyone remember what they’re fighting over anymore? It’s like the old Nation/DX feud, which started for no apparent reason.
What’s funny is, when Rhino asks the crowd if they want this to be over, a lot of the sheep say “NO!” but there are some definite “Yes” chants out there. Good boys and girls. Rhino says it IS over…and shakes AJ’s hand? Well, good for those two, able to put the past behind them, I think it’s really….hey, AJ tried to hit him with the crutch! What an asshole! AND, he’s not really injured at all, moving fine, and pounding on Rhino with the crutch, and we go to commercial as he beats on him. So NOW, we get them in a CAGE. Wasn’t the freakin’ Elevation X definitive enough? How much more are these two going to be put in the same ring before TNA accepts that they’re never going to get the five-star match out of them that the company seems to think they have stored up inside. If Elevation X doesn’t end the feud, what does? Acid-Bullrope-Electrified-Shark-Tank Challenge? ‘Cause that should do it.
(Commercial)
We’re back, and they’re STILL fighting, and Rhino gets the upper hand, taking down AJ and pounding him with punches on the mat. However, Christian Cage comes out with a crutch, and starts hitting Rhino with it, and it turns into a two-on-one beatdown. The crowd chants “Angle” and he comes out with Samoa Joe to rescue Rhino. Styles bails, leaving Cage alone in the ring with three faces, and he climbs out of the cage and over the top like he’s goddamn Spider-man.
Next, we go to an Interview with LAX and Alex Shelley. Shelley says some stuff about Team 3D “shooting the messenger” by picking on him last week, and it’s a pretty good point. Of course, it falls apart when confronted by any kind of sense of human dignity, but bereft of that, it kind of works. Konnan cuts a promo with some Spanish, while the actual tag champs, as usual, say nothing. In a way, it’s good to see wrestlers getting over only by WRESTLING, but I wonder if they’ll ever say a damn thing. The only thing I’ve heard either of them say a thing is when Homicide goes “Brrr-RAH!” and when he called Devon a piece of crap to Johnny Rodz.
(Commercial)
Chris Sabin obviously knows nothing about God of War 2, even though he’s playing it while Borash is talking. He talks about “pwning newbs in God of War 2,” which suggests that he’s beating some new players in a multi-player game; however, God of War 2 is a single-player game, so that comment is completely wrong, and, as a gaming geek, actually makes me dislike Sabin, who loses any “video game playing punk” cred from me. What ALSO hurts is that the game isn’t being played on a regular Playstation 2, but rather one of those enormous kiosks you see at game stores. Just pathetic.
Anyway, he gets mad at Borash for interrupting him, and then Bob Backlund, who’s working out in the back, comes into the picture, and starts talking about…something. What a waste of an interview segment. It wasn’t even a good commercial for God of War 2
Kevin Nash is in the ring with Sonjay Dutt, and they introduce Jay Lethal, who has new Randy-Savaged entrance music, and I’m really not sure how I feel about this. Sure, it puts some kind of spotlight on Lethal, who’s a talented young guy, but should his big claim to fame be that he does a killer impression of a retired and batsh*t crazy wrestler? Then again, I guess any publicity is good publicity. Anyway, it’s 9:24, and we’re just about to get to our first match, as Kaz comes out from Seratonin, and (hooray!) Jerry Lynn makes his way down.
Jay Lethal vs. Kaz vs. Jerry Lynn
Kaz pushes Lethal to the corner, but Lynn rolls him up for two, who gets backslid by Lethal. Kaz is tripped into the ropes by Lynn, but as he runs to the ropes, he gets dropkicked by Lethal. Baseball slide by Lethal onto Lynn. Lethal springboards back in, but he gets caught in a cutter by Kaz. Neato, Kazarian. Lynn tries to suplex Kaz, but Kaz reverses it, but Lynn reverses that by landing behind him, but he gets elbowed by Kaz, and picked up again, but Lynn reverses it into a reverse ddt. Whew. In a neat spot, Kaz rolls up Lynn with a bridging pin, AS he gives a Northern Lights Suplex to Lethal. Whew again. Kaz tries to roll up Lethal, but he turns it into a cartwheel/dropkick. Lynn tries to piledrive Lethal, but Kaz gives him a jumping front kick. Kaz then attacks Lethal, but Lethal catches him in the Lethal Combination (the backbreaker/faceplant combo) for the pin.
Afterwards, Chris Daniels comes out and hits Lethal right in the chest with a basball bat, then hits Lynn and Kaz with it. Finally, he gives the Last Rites (that’s the “Roll of the Dice,” right?) to Lynn, makes a little cross symbol over him, and we go to…
Borash interviewing Christian Cage and AJ Styles, where Christian reveals Styles as the first official member of Christian’s team. Christian tells him they are together to form a perfect coalition, but AJ says that Cage just promised him a title shot. Oh, the tangled webs we weave. Borash mentions that he promised Tomko the same thing. Christian, as the Canadian genius, makes a big personal issue out of it, saying that this was something personal between them, and AJ is just dumbfounded, and feels like a tool. AJ apologizes to Christian for breaking his trust, and I absolutely love this dynamic of Cage as the wily, intelligent, sneaky champion, and AJ the ultra-talented, gullible redneck. My only concern here is for when AJ inevitably turns face, who’ll ever buy him as a face who can EVER get one over on a heel. Then again, Rick Steiner and Sting kind of made careers out of being overly trusting, almost moronic faces, so perhaps I’m overanalyzing. Anyway, Christian announces that teammate numero dos will be announced tonight, as well.
So we basically to go commercial, and I’m watching the preview for “The Hills Have Eyes 2″…
And my power goes out. Uh-oh…okay, it’s back…whoo. That was close, as I could have missed…umm…oh, who are we kidding, hardly anyone actually WRESTLES on TNA.
(Commercial)
LAX and Alex Shelley vs. Team 3D and Brother Runt
Runt is still Robert Dinero from Taxi Driver, and Johnny Rodz is out here as well, looking like his typical gym teacher-self. Did anyone else think it was ridiculous how he single-handedly fought off the Latino Nation at Destination X? Come ON, the man is in his sixties or something, isn’t he? How’s he going to beat back a whole bunch of younger street punks with just a couple of punches. Dusty Rhodes’ Bionic Elbow, he lacks.
We start out with Shelley and Devon, but Shelley tags Hernandez in before any kind of lockup. Hernandez and Devon do some back and forth, but Devon gets the upper hand with a Lou Thesz press and an elbow. Tag into Ray, and they double shoulderblock Hernandez, followed by a Brother Ray elbow. However, Hernandez starts picking on the left arm of Ray, which is wrapped up like crazy, so of COURSE they go for it. Hernandez clothslines him down and tags in Homicide, who gives it an elbow from the top rope while Hernandez holds him. Homicide works on the arm some more, wrapping it around the turnbuckle, kicking it, etc., but Ray reverses into a side slam, and then tags in Runt, who gives Homicide the double stomp from the top (somehow weaker than the Warrior’s Way?), then goes for the pin, which only gets a one. Hernandez runs in, but Runt just trips him up with a drop toehold. He runs against the ropes, but Shelley trips him, pulls him out, and throws him against the guardrail. They start beating on him outside the ring, and we go to break.
(Commercial)
We’re back, and Runt is in the ring, having gotten beaten with chairs, sentons, crackerjacks, and other painful things. Have I mentioned how much I love it when all the really cool stuff happens during the commercials? Sigh. We get back from the recap, and are immediately treated to an Alex Shelley frogsplash, followed by a HERNANDEZ top-rope splash. Dang, big man. Hernandez, rightfully, goes for the pin, but it gets broken up by Devon. Somehow, Runt tags Devon, and he just obliterates both members of LAX, leaving only Shelley on the outside. Devon pulls him in, and Team 3D tears him apart. However, before the really fun stuff happens to him, Hernandez takes the opportunity to military press Runt over the top onto Johnny Rodz on the outside. Hernandez gets clotheslined out by Ray, however, and Team 3D goes back to Shelley, giving him both the Wassup Drop and a 3D through a table. However, the ref misses it, as he’s outside arguing with Johnny Rodz and Machete. Devon looks at the ref outside, and Hernandez sneaks in and rolls up Devon for the pin, which is ridiculous, since the table is RIGHT THERE in the middle of the ring, with Alex Shelley still laying in it. What does a guy have to do to get DQed? Was this ANNOUNCED as no DQ? Plus, all of this crazy crap happens, and Hernandez gets a simple roll-up? He didn’t even have to cheat!
Konnan points out, post-match, that LAX has beaten them over and over again, and I’m inclined to agree. Fricking END it, and let them move on.
Okay…well, now we’re in the back, and Seratonin is arguing, as Matt Bentley…oh, I’m sorry, Martyr, or is it Martar, or…oh, I don’t know what’s what, and don’t really care that much. Anyway, everyone’s arguing with Raven, who tells the camera that they’re trying to inflict psychological pain on their opponents, and that it’s not about winning and losing. Kaz is tied up behind them, his back to the camera, and Raven tells Martyring Matt to hit him with the cane. He refuses, and Raven hits him with the cane a bit, and tosses Matt out. Raven turns to Havok/Devine, and gives him the cane. Havok takes it…and drops it, so Raven slaps the crap out of him, and he also exits, and I’m left just as confused.
(Commercial)
Borash tracks down Eric Young…who’s in the bathroom, cleaning the toilets. Borash encourages him to call “his friend,” but before he can, Robert Roode comes in, kicks Borash out, and tells Young that it’s only going to get worse. We continue the so very slooooooow burn to relevance for this whole story. Let us pray for some kind of holy vengeance, but I’m really not sure who his “friend” is supposed to be, unless it’s some major star that I’m unaware of. Then again, remember all of the teases for the search for Bobby Roode’s manager, and we just got Traci, when we went through Bobby Heenan, Col. Parker, AND Sherri Martel.
Back in the ring, and it’s Cage and Styles, with a nice big “You Suck” chant coming from the audience. He introduces the third member of his team for Lethal Lockdown, and it happens to be…Abyss, who is EXACTLY the same as he was at Destination X, so it would seem that Sting didn’t do much in terms of helping him, or changing his image, or whatever the hell he was supposed to do. No white tights or anything insane like that, and apparently no face turn. Although, Abyss walks down to the ring, doing the pyro entrance and everything, carrying his chain…but he’s hesitant once he gets down there. Christian tells him that he should take his rightful place, standing BEHIND the champ. Nice wording. However, even buttered up like that, Abyss isn’t biting, it would seem, and, all of a sudden, Sting’s music hits.
Sting tells Cage that Abyss belongs to NO ONE, and that he doesn’t need to be on anyone’s team; he IS his own team. Jim Cornette comes out, and says that he loves drama, so he makes Styles and Christian against Abyss and Sting for next week. Sting asks why we should wait for next week, and he and Abyss run into the ring and attack Cage and Styles, tossing them both out of the ring. So they ARE buddies now. I love a happy ending, although I’m wondering if those two crazy kids will ever truly figure out how they feel about each other. Anywho, cue the video recap, and we’re off to Dreamland.
The Inside Pulse
The X Division Match was fun, and the LAX/Team 3D stuff was fine, but, AGAIN, we see that TNA is basically going to give us the same feuds over and over again.
Still, I’m all for the Wargames rip-off, as that’s almost always fun, and it was nice to see Kazarian shine for a bit, as well as showing Jay Lethal to be a formidable opponent again. I just want them to make some kind of definitive movement, as they just keep stacking on different gimmick matches to all the same feuds, and nothing is setting the world on fire enough to justify the stubborn refusal to create some new feuds. So Sting is WITH Abyss now instead of fighting against him? Magnificent; now please do this, and then don’t have them anywhere NEAR each other for a year.
