Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
So Snoop Dogg has reunited with Dr. Dre and Nate Dogg to try and relive the glory days of the early ’90s, with “Boss’ Life”, produced by Dre and featuring Nate Dogg, a.k.a. The Original Cameo King (eat your respective hearts out, Pharrell and Akon!). Stream it here [ Windows :: Real ]. Mathan hates Dr. Dre with a passion, and if this is the kind of thing we should expect for Detox, I may consider taking a few sips of Math’s Kool-Aid. I would be remiss not to point out that this samples “If Tomorrow Never Comes” by The Controllers, which was already done in 1999 by Nottz, for Busta Rhymes’ “Everybody Rise”. There’s nothing wrong with that, in theory, but compared to Busta’s version, Dre’s is much less inspiredâ€”even less so than his rape of David McCullum’s “The Edge” for “The Next Episode”. For shame, Dr. Dre. For shame.
“Cherchez La Femme” by Dr. Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band has only been scrobbled FOUR times on last.fm (and one of the those times was by me). Sad. No… f*cking absurd, that is. What’s even more absurd is that Limp Bizkit’s shitty cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” has been scrobbled 250,091 times. Every single person responsible for that needs to be punched in the face by every member of The Who, kicked in the stomach by Kid Creole and all of the Coconuts, and then set on fire by Ghostface Killah. It’s only fair. Fred Durst can only be as big as you let him be, you idiots.
Also, I’ve decided to start setting artist names in bold and small caps, since links look exactly like bolded text in our section, and I’m helping to stylistically differentiate the two because I am awesome at life.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Oscar winner/American Idol loser JENNIFER HUDSON got bitch-slapped over the phone by record mogul Clive Davis a couple of weeks back, according to Us Weekly, after trying to weasel out of a scheduled performance at the Soul Train Awards. After telling Don Cornelius on Friday that she was opting to not attend the Saturday taping of the show, Cornelius called Davis, who heads Arista and J Records (the former being the label that American Idol deals with). Obviously irritated and hoping to dissuade Hudson from future diva-like actions, Davis immediately phoned her, simply telling her, “Get your ass out to L.A.” and then hanging up. Getting the message, the Dreamgirls star caught a flight out to L.A., performed on the show and collected her award. Damn straight.
In other Jennifer Hudson-related news, she recently was granted lifetime all-you-can-eat status by Burger King brass, after unwittingly name-dropping them during an interview. Asked why she didn’t thank American Idol in her Oscar acceptance speech, she remarked, “If I’d been better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens, I wouldn’t be here either, so maybe I should thank them too.” There you have it kids… this just goes to show that if you suck at your job when you’re in high school, you’ll eventually go on to be an Academy Award-winning movie star. Never try at anything.
Meanwhile, in other Soul Train Awards-related news, KEVIN FEDERLINE apparently didn’t show up for the taping because he didn’t trust the new nanny with his kids… NOT because he was afraid of getting laughed and/or booed out of the f*cking building.
It was revealed last week by police in Atkinson, N.H., after BOSTON singer Brad Delp was found dead in his home the prior week, that he had committed suicide, by locking himself in the bathroom with two charcoal grills, finally succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning. Well, you’ve got to give him extra points for creativity.
THE WHO were forced to cancel a second consecutive concert on Saturday, in Mexico City, due to singer ROGER DALTREY‘s ongoing bout with bronchitis. They had ended a show in Tampa the preceding Tuesday after Daltrey was unable to even finish the first song of the band’s set, and while that show was rescheduled for next Sunday (March 25), it’s still unclear whether the Mexico City date will be made up. A representative for Ocesa, the Mexican concert organizer, told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “The show will go on. Also, all your base are belong to us.” My Spanish is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure I translated that correctly.
An abuse complaint filed last month against KID ROCK was called off last week by the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, due to “conflicting witness accounts and the inability to corroborate that the alleged assault occurred through photographs or medical reports.” An unnamed woman claimed that the singer shoved her outside of his Detroit area home earlier this month. HA. Oakland County Prosecuting Attorney David Gorcyca told reporters, “We cannot establish the requisite probable cause to issue a warrant.” He then walked away, carrying a very large bag of money and what appeared to be an autographed wife-beater.
In a follow-up to a previously reported story, it turns out that VAN HALEN singer DAVID LEE ROTH wasn’t boycotting this past week’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony because he didn’t want VELVET REVOLVER playing Van Halen songs. His specific complaint was that he wanted to join the band to sing “Jump”, and they refused because they felt that the synth wasn’t consistent with their style. How f*cking lame. Come on Velvet Revolver, how f*cking difficult is it to find someone to play that song on a Casio? I’m sure the guy from A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS was free. And why does it matter if it clashes with your style? It’s not like they were trying to make you add synth to one of your own songs. SCOTT WEILAND, when STONE TEMPLE PILOTS gets inducted into the Hall of Fame, I hope whoever performs at that ceremony only plays TALK SHOW songs.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA will be featured in an upcoming episode of CSI: New York. Executive producer Anthony Zuiker told reporters that Aguilera has always been a big fan of the show, and “[t]he episode [that she will be in] will probably explore the topic of battered women.” For those of you who’ve always wondered if Christina Aguilera can take a punch, it looks like you are in luck… you sick freaks. But seriously, I wonder if she can.
After easing a gag order a few weeks back to allow rapper C-MURDER (nÃ© Corey Miller) to conduct interviews to promote his upcoming album, New Orleans Judge Martha Sassone granted him permission last week to leave his grandmother’s home in order to finish the recording process on the album. Miller is currently awaiting a pending trial on charges that he capped a 16-year-old outside of a nightclub in Louisiana back in 2002. “He’ll be allowed to go to work,” Sassone told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “but we’ll have to know the exact time and location. We figure that he won’t have enough time to murder anyone. We’re really hoping not, at least.”
I’m sure everything will be fine. I mean, come on, does this really look like the face of a murderer to you?
In what would have been last week’s “Most Ridiculous Item of the Week”, had I have known about it sooner, VANILLA ICE has teamed up with the makers of the personal finance program TurboTax to create a contest challenging YouTube users to write a rap about taxes, with $25,000 in cash going to the winner. The clip shows Vanilla Ice pounding away on the drums like an 8-year-old with a couple of buckets, before spitting his own rap, with the challenge “R U a better rapper than Vanilla Ice?” Yes, I probably M, but Mike Eagle is better. Mike Eagle, do it. Make a rap about taxes. It’ll be f*cking awesome. Starting with this edition, I am launching The Official Mike Eagle TurboTax Tax Rap Contest Push. It’ll be bigger than the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog push of 2003!