Evening folks. I’m Tom Pandich back from a week hiatus, but about to go on a much longer hiatus. I’ll be off traveling the next few weeks so that means no updates from Raw for me. Don’t worry though. I’ll be sure to pop up and around for the various Wrestlemania coverages.
Tonight’s Raw features the Wrestlemania Reversal? Um what? Oh, it’s Chris Benoit and JBL coming over to Raw to wrestle. I’m more then okay with that. Also, Bobby Lashley is taking the Masterlock Challenge. Will this be the end of any push that Chris Masters will ever have, ever? Lord, I hope so. Keep your internets (all of them) tuned right here for all of your live Raw needs.
We are live from Indianapolis, Indiana. Shawn Michaels vs JBL and Chris Benoit vs John Cena gets pimped. Here comes Shawn for what (presumably) is his match.
Shawn Michaels vs John Bradshaw Layfield: The Trouble with Texans
This should be a fun match. Jim Ross starts puting over the Sooners for no real reason. JBL has a microphone. He flew in from Wall Street because he was told he had a match with Shawn. Someone didn’t get the memo that nobody tells JBL what to do. He says if he comes out of retirement it’ll be on his rules and in his hometown. He runs down Indiana drawing major heat from the crowd. JBL says that Shawn is going to get his ass kicked by John Cena at Wrestlemania.
Bradshaw calls Michaels and egotistical prick that (sound dropped). Ouch. Bradshaw says that Michaels isn’t playing mindgames with Cena. Rather, it’s doubt that keeps him from taking the shot. Bradshaw says that Shawn is pathetic because he won’t take that chance. Win or lose Shawn wants the crowd to cheer him. Michaels makes Bradshaw sick. Damn, that is one hell of a heel promo.
Michaels has got the microphone. He said one of us came here to fight, but Shawn didn’t expect this to turn into a verbal spat. Michaels says that sometimes no mind games are the greatest mind game of all. Michaels says that they share one thing in common. Both of them don’t take orders. Shawn says he’ll superkick who he wants, when he wants, when it’s least expected. Of course, JBL eats a superkick shortly after when we’re all expecting it. Michaels steals Bradshaw’s hat for good measure.
Ugh, we’re back. I’m still annoyed by what could of been a promo for the ages turning into a good but forgetable program. Anywho, we do a tale of the tape between Vince and Donald.
In the back, Orton and Edge have a tift. There’s a last chance Battle Royale for the final Money in the Bank spot. Edge is annoyed that there’ll be nine people rather then eight. Orton informs Edge that it’s actually still only eight. Edge has lost his spot because he didn’t help Randy take out Bobby Lashley last ECW. Edge is part of it, and the break up seems to be imminent.
Speaking of Lashley, here’s the Masterlock Challenge. Like most Masterlock Challenges. it takes a while to start. Masters slaps Lashley in the head, Lashley slaps Master in the face. It actually happens. Lashley goes to a knee. Lashley comes up. Lashley breaks the hold for real. Huzzah. Thank goodness that this gimmick is finally dead. Masters throws a fit.
We’re back. Porn! The King makes a “great articles in Playboy joke”. In the back, Vince is clapping for Bobby Lashley who broke the Masterlock. Vince tries to intimidate Bobby. Vince is a tall, tall man. Lashley gets escorted out of the building without saying a word. Vince goes over to Maria and proceeds to flirt a bit with her before Eugene spills iced tea on Vince. Eugene/Umaga later tonight. Ron Simmons pops in, teases a damn, then proceeds to toss out a damn.
The WWE wishes their condolences to Arnold Skaaland. We get a very nice video package featuring Vince, Bobby Heenan, Jim Ross, Sgt. Slaughter, and Mean Gene saying some kind words about the Golden Boy. Rest in peace sir.
Steve Austin is all grown up…… yay.
Money in the Bank Battle Royale
Lots of wrestlers in the ring already. Flair, Nitro, Carlito, and Edge get their entrances televised. No Orton surprisingly. Edge hangs out while everyone eliminates Viscera together. Well that was cute. Edge rolls out faking an injury. Only eight people (excluding Edge) are in this battle royale making it quite possibly the most boring one ever. Super Crazy gets dumped as we go to commercial.
We’re back. Haas and Val got dumped during the break. Trainers are out with Edge. Carlito is in danger of being dumped, by first Kenny and then Shelton. Flair catches Shelton and dumps him. Flair drops Kenny over the top and Carlito takes care of Nitro. We’re down to “just” Carlito and Flair. Carlito gets the advantage and nearly dumps Flair. Flair holds on to the apron. They transition back and forth on the apron/ Flair finally dumps Carlito. The bell rings and Flair is announced as the winner. Edge comes in and dumps Flair in rather sloppy fashion to win.
First look at “The Condemned” later tonight. Ugh.
Here comes Vince bringing the barber’s chair to ringside. Umaga/Eugene is next.
Slam of the Week: Donald photoshops Vince bald and shoves Vince over the contract table.
Eugene vs Umaga: Ugh
Vince introduces Umaga. Eugene is back to lovable retard. Eugene is squashed.
Eugene is shaved after the match and bitchslapped. Umaga spins him in the chair. Hopefully this is the end of Eugene.
We’re back and Candice Michelle and Melina have a verbal scuffle. Bra and panties match is next….. and that’s all we get. Commercial, horrible promo, commericial.
Bra and Panties Match: Slut vs Skank
Melina loses her pants. Candice loses her top. Melina takes off Candice’s top. It goes on way too long.
Ashley comes out and strips Melina for good measure. Here comes the Great Khali to save the segment….. Melina attacks Ashley from behind leaving Ashley in peril! King makes the save. Weak ass chokeslam takes the King out. Hardy/Orton is next. No commentary is a nice touch here.
Todd Grisham joins us.
Jeff Hardy vs Randy Orton
Hardy flips Orton over with a few arm drags. Royal Rumble box set is on sale now. Orton takes over, stomping away at Jeff’s back. Orton puts on a shitty Boston Crab, but Jeff makes it to the ropes. Jeff fights back with clotheslines and spinning mule kicks.
Edge runs down getting a ladder into the ring and Orton smashes Hardy with it for the DQ. Um kay?
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Orton and Edge have words. Hardy hits Orton with a ladder followed by a double leg drop over the top of the ladder on to Randy.
Exclusive first look at “The Condemned”. Excuse me while I make up an excuse not to watch this.
We run through the Wrestlemania card. I’m not in the mood to copy and paste though.
In the back, Vince sets up a match between himself and Bobby Lashley. Shawn Michaels comes down to ringside for commentary on the Cena/Benoit match.
In the back, Eugene is crying over his lost hair.
John Cena vs Chris Benoit
Benoit is rocking the Bret Hart pants tonight in pink and black. Benoit comes after Cena and takes Cena to the outside. Cena nearly clothesline Benoit and who dodges, but nearly hits Shawn in the process. Benoit hits a few knife edge chops, and whips Cena into the corner. Benoit runs into a big boot though. Cena whips Benoit into the corner, but then Cena runs into Benoit’s boot. Benoit whips Cena to the ground with a leg drag. He hooks on the Sharpshooter for quite some time which Cena finally breaks with the ropes.
Benoit continues his offense with the three Germans. Benoit misses the headbutt though. Cena hits his moves of doom. Benoit nearly counters the FU into a Crossface only to have Cena slap on the STFU. Benoit taps. I feel a little sick 🙁
Winner: John Cena
Michaels pops into the ring for a fake superkick. Cena goes for a fake FU. JBL comes out to announce that it’ll be Shawn Michaels and John Cena teaming up to take on the Undertaker and Batista. That’s the show. Good night everyone.
Tags: Raw, WWE