FIVE WRESTLERS DIED
IN THE LAST MONTH…
WE THINK VINCE HAS AN AGENDA
WE ARE
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Tonight we memorialize the dead… bwahahahahaha… ok, now seriously, we do the same shit we’ve done every week. Commenting on the same crap Vince throws at us week after week. This time though, it’s only two weeks away from Wrestlemania, so that means it at least is leading to something.
Joining us tonight is:
BILL – The Rabble’s Ernie Ladd
ERIC – The Rabble’s Bam Bam Bigelow
MIKE – The Rabble’s Awesome
HERNANDEZ – The Rabble’s Bad News Brown
JEN – The Rabble’s Arnold Skaaland… I guess?
And your host with the most, he who is haunted by Owen’s ghost – Me, James Hatton
Also, on the graveyard shift, as always, the Forum Insyders.
“A migraine and the shits…let’s see how long I make it through RAW.” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
“Don’t push to hard…your head will hurt more.” – Insyder TriggerRuxpin
Let’s get to the show!
Tonight, Cena vs. Benoit & Michaels vs. JBL.
Arnold Skaaland – 1925 – 2007. Of course, no 10 bell..
“Maybe I’m crazy, but it seems like there’s a new “In Loving Memory” every week.” – Insyder Cash Kerouac
Starting the show though, it’s Shawn Michaels!
“He might not be facing JBL… he says he has a surprise for Shawn.” – Mike
“They just announced he’s wrestling him.” – Eric
“…no.” – Mike
And now coming from down the side is JBL’s limo. We mark for the limo.
“STRIPES! Oh sorry thats JBL’s music” – Insyder TriggyRuxpin
“THAT’S A FACT JACK!” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
“Orlando Jordon came down for a one time deal.” – Mike
“Between JBL and HBK.. that’s alot of chronic pain for one ring.” – Bill
JBL though is not dressed to wrestle, but he’s got a microphone.
“I just flew in from Wall Street…” – JBL
“…and boy are my arms tired.” – Me
“I got off the plane and found out I have a match with you.” – JBL
“Umm.. didn’t they tell all of us last week.” – Me
“And they told him on Smackdown.” – Eric
So JBL continues to yell at HBK about disliking being forced out of retirement. When he chooses to come out of retirement, it will be on his own terms. It won’t be in ‘freakin’ Indiana.
“Cheap pop.” – Mike
So the HBK / JBL dream match is not going to happen. JBL explains in two weeks Shawn gets his ass kicked by John Cena.
“How is this promoting Cena?” – Me
JBL then causes Shawn a stuck up egotistical prick. Sure. So when Shawn looks in a mirror and sees his soul.. he sees he can’t beat Cena.
“He has the mirror of Erised?” – Me
“Funny that, JBL doesn’t see anything in a mirror.” – Jenna
So if JBL wasn’t in retirement, he’d kick Shawn’s ass.
Shawn now takes the mic.
Shawn isn’t worried about the respect JBL doesn’t have for him, as he’s earned it from everyone else. Shawn assures us that he can beat John Cena. He and JBL do have something in common. Nobody tells HBK what to do or when to deliver sweet chin music.
“I need a sign from God first.” – Me
He does it when he wants, and when he least expects it.
“I’m controversial!” – Me
So then some more babbling and then WHAM-SUPERKICK!
“Took his hat right off of him.” – Mike
“Ironically, JBL is laid out in a cross position.” – Me
“shhh.. not nice.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12
In the back – Edge is reading WWE Magazine… which feature Edge. So on ECW, Edge sold out Randy Orton. He’s mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore.
So Randy convinced Vince to put Edge’s Money In The Bank spot in a Battle Royal. They get nose to nose.
“Now kiss.” – Hernandez
“Are their noses supposed to touch?” – Bill
“Eskimo Kisses.” – Me
So Chris Masters in the ring and we get a flash of Masters taking down a bunch of people using the Masterlock.
“Ewww, there is a wet spot on the chair.” – Eric
“He’s lactating.” – Hernandez
“They announced he’s facing Lashley tonight…” – Mike
“No, JR just posted that.” – Hernandez
Here comes Bobby Lashley!
“And the Master lock is to be broken now.” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
“Ok if Lashley doesn’t break it I am never watching again…” – Insyder TriggyRuxpin
MASTERS vs. LASHLEY
Masterlock Challenge
Lashley sits down… opens his arms…
“He’s beyond the gradiant limit now.” – Hernandez
“Did you say Wayne Brady limit?” – Me
“No, but write that too.” – Hernandez
So there is the long set-up.. until finally Masters bitchslaps Lashley.. and Lashley slaps him back. Now they set it up. The chair remains between his legs… kinda amusing.
Anyway, Lashley is fighting out of it.
“He’s turning…. brown.” – Bill
Lashley fights back to his feet. He begins surging the arms down. Back to one knee. Back to his feet. Another surge. One big surge. DONE!
“Does he get 10,000 dollars now?” – Eric
“No, they got rid of that, because Masters is boring no matter what.” – Bill
So Masters grabs a chair… then bails.
“Bobby, was that the crowning achievement of your career?” – Eric
“I broke his lisp.” – Hernandez
WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
“Finally, the first time I have ever said, Thank you Bobby Lashley” – Insyder sebcansep
“If this was WCW, Kevin nash would’ve broken the Masterlock months ago.” – Insyder DBL
“Nope, Warrior. And then he would have disappeared in a cloud of smoke.” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:24
Ashley on her playboy shoot. Lovely.
“Who had the hottest playboy spread?” – Mike
“Maria… but that’s in my mind.” – Hernandez
“Yeah he’s right.. in his mind – hers is the best.. in my mind, she’s in Swank.” – Me
In the back, Lashley walks right into Vince, Coach and a bunch of jobbers. Vince starts slow-clapping.
“RUDYYY!” – Bill
Vince explains that Umaga is going to break him.
“Did he say rape him?” – Eric
“Break.” – Me
“I like rape better.” – Mike
“We know.” – Me
Vince then says he’s letting
Hi Maria… all in red and hanging drapey things… Vince compliments her earrings.
“And nipplerings.” – Bill
Vince then walks into Eugene.
“Umaga’s opponent tonight?” – Bill
Eugene spills his coffee on Vince.
“Cheap way into a porn.” – Mike
So now Ron Simmons shows up.
“Not now Ron.. it’s not good enough” – Bill
Ron almost sneezes onto Vince’s tie.. then seems upset as he can’t seal the deal on the joke. That, in fact, gets a damn.
Now the look back on Arnold Skaaland.
“They gave this asshole one, but not Mike Awesome?” – Mike
“You are an idiot.” – Me
Vince, Heenan, Ross. Shots of him doing a full nelson.
“Nobody can stop the Skaaland challenge… well maybe they can now.” – Me
They show him vs. Bob Backland. Good stuff.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
They show a baby Austin…
“Lex Luthor is here!?” – Me
“The kid poured the drink right over his head…that’s gotta hurt his eyes.” – Eric
“He had a drinking problem even as a kid” – Bill
So now here comes Ric, Nitro, and Carlito, and finally Edge – and in the ring, Kenny, Viscera, Shelton, Charlie, Val Venis, Super Crazy.
MONEY IN THE BANK QUALIFIER
We start off and Charlie’s beating on Kenny – and there is a team of people already on Viscera… with Edge hanging around on the corner. Finally they all just attack Viscera and get him over.
“BYE VISCERA!” – Eric
So now we have Everyone taking turns kicking the shit out of Val Venis. Shelton and Ric on one end. Carlito throwing out Super Crazy, but he’s hanging. Edge rolls out the bottom complaining about an ankle injury.
“So Edge is doing the whole i’m gonna hide outside until there is only one guy left thing again? **yawn**” – Insyder soak1313
“I wonder why Edge is still out there and getting checked on…” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
Shelty throws over Mercury… he stays in, only to eat a Crazy Kick. Ric working on Shelton. Val with Kenny. Carlito with Charlie.
Val and Kenny are fighting way over the top…
“How does it feel that Kenny has a regular spot on Raw, and you don’t Val?” – Eric
Super Crazy is going nuts all over Shelton. He goes for the top rope arm drag, but TWGTT grabs him together and a team throw out.
“MitB needs Super Crazy. but of course he was tossed by the Minorateam.” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44
Charlie and Val were eliminated while we were gone. Edge is still on the outside with one of the ‘doctors’. Kenny and Carlito are fighting on the apron. Ric & Shleton are in the corner. Nitro is hanging in the corner.
Shelton leaps up to the top turnbuckle to beat on Carlito. Ric runs up and helps Carlito out. We’re down to the final four, with Edge winni— I mean hiding.
Ric hangs Kenny on the top rope – then chops him to the ground. Nitro hits the top turnbuckle.. Carlito hits middle rope and dropkicks him out.
We’re left with Carlito and Flair and Flair just DECKS him They fight on the ropes and now they go to the center. Second rope elbow from Carlito. Flair against the ropes… He JUMPS before Carlito clotheslines him over, but he LANDS ON THE APRON?? NICE!
Flair throws Carlito to the corner. Back elbow. Carlito jumps… Flair catches him. Carlito tries to headscissors him to the outside. Flair drops him… Carlito slides UNDER the ropes through Flair’s legs!
He charges Flair.. OVER THE TOP GOES CARLITO!
RIC FLAIR HAS WON IT! —-wait for it—-
In runs Edge. Flair goes over. The end.
WINNER: EDGE
Edge now dances and leaves.
“If I was Flair, work or not, I’d be pissed.. he pulled off a fun match.” – Me
“He just said to all of them.. ‘I got it’.” – Mike
So later we get a clip of the Condemned. Whoopdef*ck.
“No way is Austin’s role in this new movie going to surpass his cameos on Nash Bridges!!” – Insyder soak1313
Hey, the barberchair is here.. that means Vince must be here. WIth security. So now all the jobbe– Security, comes down and brings the barber set-up with them.
“Are they going to shave Eugene’s head?” – Eric
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:55
“So wait.. our ten o’clock spot is Eugene shaving?” – Me
“Kane’s pyro isn’t set-up.” – Bill
“It was!” – Hernandez
“..that was Lashley’s…” – Eric
“No! It was Kane’s!” – Hernandez
“I’m going to stab you.” – Eric
Vince now introduces Umaga. Here comes Umaga.
“I like this week’s facepaint.” – Mike
“This week.. on Umaga’s face.” – Hernandez
“Shriveled monkey penis.” – Bill
Now it’s time for Eugene.
UMAGA vs. EUGENE
“I like that he still has the green stuff on him.” – Mike
So Eugene gets all happy seeing the barberpole. Gets to the apron and gets shoulderchecked to the floor. Tossed into the steps. Finally brought into the ring. Umaga tears off his coat.
“..and pins it.” – Me
Umaga does some top rope squashes. Butt bump. Thumbpoke.
The end.
WINNER: UMAGA
Vince has Umaga throw Eugene into the chair.
“How conveeeeeeenient.” – Hernandez
“Strap him in!!!!!” – Vince
“DR. GIGGLES!” – Hernandez
“This is what we’re gonna do to YOU Trump” – Vince
“Peel open his eyes!” – Hernandez
“Play the Ludvig Von!” – Bill
Eugene gets a haircut.
“What did Eugene do now?” – Jeffrey
“He was born retarded.” – Me
“Now maybe he’ll grow smarter in a reverse Samson” – Bill
“I hope he now comes out with that goofy haircut” – Mike
So he’s got a shitty haircut. Vince then slaps him with a Billionaire Bitchslap.
“He has to know that’s stupid right?” – Bill
So Umaga pushes the chair over.
“Ow. I think I broke my wrist.” – Mike
“Somewhere, Algernon is a f*cking genius.” – Me
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
Candice is in the ring, and she’s wearing a skully printy thing. It’s actually pretty hot. Then she talks. Horrible.
“MUUUUUUTTTTEEEE” – Jeffrey
Candice wants to face Melina.
“Her nose looks better…. it healed up” – Me
So here comes Melina.
“Paddle on a pole?” – Mike
Melina then references Candice’s Go Daddy ad. She spins.
“KACHING!” – Hernandez
“I can do it better…” – Mike
“Prove it.” – All of us
Melina explains that there is a reason she hasn’t been a Playboy cover girl. It’s beneath her. So this goes on… and Candice wants a bra and panties match right now.
“They have to go to the back and put on bra and panties now.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:16
CANDICE vs. MELINA
Tits & Ass
We’re back – and Candice gets her in a head scissors. Candice removes her skirt. Nice spot. Melina launches on Candice once back in the ring, and Candice’s top goes away.
Candice hits a snapmare. She goes to remove her top, right into a top shirt rip… denied. Melina then throws her in the head scissors.
“SMELL IT!” – Hernandez
“I don’t like anchovies on my pizza..” – Me
So now Candice gets Melina in a headscissors…. they roll in 69 style.
“NNNG! NNNNNNNNNG!” – Hernandez
Some more close shirt rip spots on Melina.. when finally Candice loses her pants. THe end.
WINNER: MELINA
Here comes Ashley… pink gloves. Pink thigh highs. Pink bra.
“Cadillac.” – Me
Ashley comes in, they go face to face Ashley to Melina. Ashley removes her shirt. The end.
Ashley looks lovely. And we get some Arabic music..
“YEAAAAH!” – Hernandez & Mike
Melina beats down on Ashley as Khali comes on in to the ring.
“IS KHALI HERE?! I almost caught my dick in my zipper?!” – Bill
Ashley is left in the ring with Khali.
“There is going to be blood and saline tonight.” – Bill
He grabs Ashley by the throat.
“PUHHTTTIN ON THAAAA RITTTTZZZZ” – Me
So now Lawler runs in and balls Khali. He instead eats the chokeslam.
“Hey that’s a hall of famer.” – Bill
“Soon to be.” – Mike & Eric
Khali leaves. Yep. That’s it.
“Ok…Maria, Lita, Trish, Torrie…shit, even Stacy had taken sick bumps from guys before…why the f*ck couldn’t stupid ass Ashley take one from Khali??” Insyder CaptainMadballs
“Because she bangs Matt Hardy?” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
“Because Khali accidently killed a guy?” – Insyder soak1313
“She gives better head?” – Insyder Chuckles
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:26
Hey.. Jeff Hardy is here – and he’s already grabbing his back.
“How did he hurt his back?” – Me
“Getting out of bed.” – Hernandez
“Dancing.” – Bill
Strange commercial spot.
“King, this is for you… Fruity Delicious Skittles!” – JR
Anyway.. here comes Orton.
“Hey!” – Bill
“Todd–” – Eric
“No Eric, it’s Hey!” – Hernandez
JEFF vs. RANDY
Stuff…
They tie up to the corner. Randy goes to hit him, Jeff ducks and hits an arm drag. Wraps the arm, and Randy fights out. THrows Jeff to the corner. Counter corner tosses him. Goes to hit Jeff. Jeff moves and another arm drag, Randy fights out of it.
Fight to the ropes. Hits the version 3.
“He hit the v3 on the brother of v1. HA HA HA!” – Me
Pin for two.
Randy hits the Walls of Jericho……
“He’s been using boston crab for awhile.” – Bill
“But he’s doing Walls” – Me
“What’s that?” – Hernandez
Jeff grabs the ropes and now they fight in the middle of the ring. Randy hits the ropes. Flying neckbreaker from Jeff. Dropkick from Randy. Whisper In The Wind.
Here comes Edge… throws in a ladder… and Randy grabs it and uses it on Jeff. Bell rings.
Now Edge and Randy are yelling at each other outside… Jeff grabs Randy and hits the Twist of Fate. Randy just falls. Horrible.
So Jeff sets the ladder to the top and yells.
“DON’T YELL! He knows it’s coming now!” – Hernandez
WINNER via DQ: JEFF HARDY
Coming up next… The Condemned.. I’ll be outside smoking.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:37
Vince is on the phone. We’re not paying attention, seriously.
Oh wait.. next week.. Vince vs. Lashley.
“In a verbal debate.” – Eric
“Do you think this is a good idea?” – Coach
“Do I think WHAT is a good idea?” – Vince
“Choosing decaf over regular brand.. what the f*ck.” – Me
“Coach never drinks a second cup at home.” – Bill
Now here comes Shawn Michaels? Sure. Why not. Oh, he’s here for commentary.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:48
They show Eugene with his head shaved.. Crying.
“Be Snitsky!” – Me
“He looks like the Berzerker.” – Hernandez
“HUSS!” – Me
Here comes Chris Benoit!
Now, it’s Cena time!
CENA vs. BENOIT
Maybe a good match?
“In the real world there is no way that Cena wins this…just no way” – Insyder soak1313
They lock up. Push into the corner. Chops from Benoit.. kneeing the hell out of Cena. Chris throws him out and follows Cena and slams his head right on the table.
“He made Shawn jump out of his seat.” – Hernandez
Benoit wraps around Cena. He fights out. Cena goes to clothesline Benoit – he ducks – and he almost hits Shawn! Ooooo…
So They roll back in and Benoit is all over him. Belly to back from Benoit. Hits the ropes and the thrown elbow. Goes for a two count.
“Ya know, if Chris ate Cena’s face, I wouldn’t think any less of him. Just sayin’.” – Insyder Dr Jan Itor
Cena’s sporting a pink chest now as Benoit continues to fight him corner to corner. Benoit runs in and Benoit eats a solid boot.
Benoit grabs a leg for a legdrag down. He locks in the sharpshooter! As a note – Benoit is wearing pink and black. Just sayin. Bill notes that Cena’s tongue seems blue.
“Does the sharpshooter make your tongue blue?” – Bill
“No, blue razberry blowpops do.” – Eric
So Cena crawls to the ropes after a long sharpshooter set. Benoit hits the trifecta of release belly to backs.
“Did Shawn just call himself the ‘Ultimate Test’?” – Jeffrey
“No, he called himself the Final Solution” – Me
Benoit goes up for the headbutt…. WHIFF! Missed.
They both fight to their feet. Benoit gets up first… Cena ducks a clothesline. Hits his own. Shoulder check. Blue Thunder. You can’t see me. Cena’s selling his back hurting… goes for the FU! Benoit drops him into the Crossface. Blocked – STFU from Cena.
“If he taps, we’re not having Wrestlemania..” – Mike
He taps.
“IT WAS THE LASER POINTER IN THE EYES!” – Bill
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“We have to find a new place for Wrestlemania.” – Mike
“Benoit taps….there is no god” – Insyder soak1313
“I’ve just lost all faith in humanity” – Insyder Darkstar
“Jericho just saw that and said “Fuck it, I’m not going back.”” – Insyder DBL
In comes Shawn now…. he’s stomping away… he runs up and does NOT throw the kick. Cena sees him. Mouth’s ‘I got you’ and then ‘Just kidding’.
They go to shake hands and Cena lifts him up on his shoulders.. FFFffff – Cena drops him and mouths ‘I got you’.
Now here we go, we have JBL coming on down to announce next week is Raw’s biggest show ever.
“83 hours?” – Eric
So we are going to have a rematch of No Way Out. Shawn MUST tag with Cena.
“Which isn’t a big deal since .. ya know.. they’re champions and all” – Me
To face Dave & Taker. OOoooooo………..
We end with Undertaker chimes.
So what did the Rabble think of the show?
“I hate John Cena. I want him to pull a Mike Awesome. Just f*cking hang himself.” – Mike
“How do I follow that up?” – Eric
“There’s rape & sodomy on TV…” – Bill (talking about Law & Orer)
“WELCOME TO WWE!!!!” – Hernandez
“I give it a C+” – Jeffrey
“I like watching Chris Benoit wrestle.” – Simon
“Eugene & Snitsky should form a tag team.” – Me
See you all next week. Thanks again to the Insyders for filling in where we cannot.
