Forgive me, oh Tailgate Crashers, but I haven’t been following March Madness closely. That’s the fallout you get when you graduate from a university that left the Big Ten in 1938 and pretty much abandoned athletics shortly afterward to concentrate on racking up Nobels. If I’m not in a pool (which I’m not this year), I tend to root for two teams: Duke, because of Coach K, and Southern Illinois, because my cousin graduated from there and that’s the place, during a visit to her, where I got drunk and high for the first time in my life. So, I’m very happy for the Salukis (and am hoping like hell they beat Kansas in their Sweet Sixteen matchup), but I’m not emotionally invested. Sorta the same way I am about wrestling right now, to tell the truth.
By the way, I know Raw is from Chicago next Monday night, but I won’t be attending for two reasons: 1) I would have to go straight from Raw to work, which I don’t want to do, and 2) They haven’t offered to comp me. I don’t attend wrestling shows that I have to pay for because I am an IWC Celebrity and should be treated that way. So, no live coverage from me. Blame WWE for that.
Ah, I got nuttin’. Let’s just get on with it…
THE PIMP SECTION
I won’t do individual links because this is an ongoing, but head over to Tailgate Crashers and read some of Mauntah’s coverage of the Cricket World Cup. It’s totally incomprehensible yet weirdly fascinating and highly addictive.
I see that Scooter put up WM2 again. Last year, I told him EXACTLY what Susan St. James’ connection to wrestling was, yet he still hasn’t revised the article to include that information, the lazy f*ck. Okay, for those of you who don’t know, Susan St. James was and is married to Dick Ebersol, then and now the biggest of wigs at NBC. At the time, he was responsible for Saturday Night Live and its timeslot, which means he was also responsible for Saturday Night’s Main Event. In other words, he used his leverage over Vince in that regard to get his wife the commentary slot at WM2. There you go. Four books, my ass.
Fingers, did you forget that Grant had another accomplishments other than his two truly disturbing terms in office? Something called the Civil War ring a bell? That’s why he landed up on the fifty. Nixon was that low on the worst list because of his foreign affairs accomplishments (which not even I will criticize). As for my choices, Lincoln as Number Zero due to the unique circumstances he served under, Roosevelt, Franklin Variant for best, Reagan for worst due to the sheer scale of corruption in his administration and amount of sheer violence he and his minions did to the body politic.
Yes, I read the same article in US News and World Report that Fingers did. Come on, how much time have I spent in doctors’ offices the last three weeks? I was bound to come across that article and read it.
Vin-Man takes us back to a time when WWE knew how to book. Unfortunately, since I absolutely detest the two main characters, I don’t have as many happy memories of this time as he does.
Bambi rambles confusingly, yet still makes a point.
Burnside tries to get his buddy Lester a job. Lester totally blows the audition. Iain doesn’t give a shit. He also doesn’t give a shit when laying out the WM13 confusion that Chicago got stuck with all that bullshit, part of the triple whammy that WWE has laid on my fair city over the years in regard to WM (and before you go and start defending that submission match, remember how I feel about the participants).
Biscuiti wants to see actual women wrestlers at WM. I can’t blame him.
The Popcorn Junkies Staff begin rating the biggest bad-asses in film history. Unfortunately, Mistah Sutton forgot to mention an occasional staffer in the section in conjunction with #51 (re: catchphrase), so he gets his fingers chopped off.
Fernandez takes our push for Mike Eagle to enter the Vanilla Ice/TurboTax contest public. It’s been a meme in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum since the contest was announced. And, really, he should, because he’d take it, easily.
Paul is taking this on tangentially, but he still has to answer the key question behind his argument: when does pop culture become culture? American Idol is still definitely pop culture, but how close has it roamed to that borderline?
The quick answer to your query, Rafter: no. Attorneygate isn’t as damaging to Rove as the Libby verdict is. If anything brings Rove down, it’ll be the latter. The former is simply playing politics, even when the played is a member of your own party.
Mackay goes into a holding pattern about Galactica. Look, I’m just happy about the timing. BSG ends its season next week, while Doctor Who starts its new season six days later. That keeps me happy and satisfied.
When will the writers in Beyond The Threshold learn how to use the Summary section of Archway? At the same time that the people who do use the Summary section properly stop using f*cking MS Word, which has been shown time and time again to munge the front page here and make our writers look like amateur douchebags to any first-time visitor.
IS ANYONE SHOCKED?
So, the Florida HGH/steroids bust has implicated more wrestlers than just Kurt Angle. And no one’s blinking an eye at this. No one should, really. It’s not any kind of shock, unless you’re a hopelessly naive imbecile (which I have to admit describes a good portion of the audience at this website, especially Bambi’s readers). And the names? Well, let’s look at them. Eddy we all suspected. Orton? Duh. Edge? Also no surprise, really. Helms? A bit of a surprise, I have to admit, but I can understand where that’s coming from; the WWE cruiser style isn’t high-flying anymore, and Novocaine may have felt that he had to add muscle mass. Rey-Rey…
…hold it, Rey-Rey?
Are you serious? What the hell kind of advantage would Rey-Rey get from steroids and/or HGH? His style is predicated on speed and high-flying, two things that are contraindicated with taking steroids. Look at the Scott Steiner from fifteen years ago as compared to the Big Sump Pump of today for an example. It makes no sense for him to take steroids. The only explanation I can think of is that he did so in preparation for having to compete against heavyweights on a regular basis, where a little more muscle mass could have done him some good. Otherwise, though, it’s incomprehensible. Oh, I’m not denying that it probably happened, but there’s a disconnect here that I simply can’t make heads or tails of.
So, what’s going to happen? Ignore the News Nuggets that have been appearing here. Da Meltz wrote those prior to these allegations becoming public. And that’s the whole thing here, the fact that they went public (the fact that this was prior to the Drug Policy being implemented is irrelevant). Everyone knows that Vince hates nothing more than bad publicity. And this bad publicity is coming two weeks prior to Wrestlemania, at a time when he and his company are in the spotlight thanks to the whole Trump angle. There will be revenge taken. Of what sort, though? He can’t do anything about Eddy (and his plans for Vicki to eventually become GM of Smackdown are still going to go forward). You can assume that Rey-Rey will get a bit of a depush, despite all of the statements made for his return, the fact that his return might be pushed up, and their attempts at all-out Latino market appeal. Edge will be punished by being forced to feud with Orton and will end up being the victim of a bungled face turn. Helms won’t see the cruiser belt for a long, long time, especially if they end up signing Mistico. Remember what happened the last time WWE received adverse publicity when it came to drugs. Van Dam will never forget that.
And we’ll never forget this week’s Raw…at least until ECW is broadcast.
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Bobby Lashley over Gym Bunny, Non-Title MasterLock Challenge (Duh): Well, that’s finally over. Of course, considering the total destruction of Masters over the past number of months, does it really enhance Lashley’s career that much to be the first to break the MasterLock? No, of course it doesn’t. It’s Chris Masters, remember? Well, good for Lashley anyway. Now he can go back to ECW covered in glory. Yay. And even worse, we get Lashley/Masters for the title on ECW. Gee, am I looking forward to that or what?
Oh, this isn’t going to end well
Edge over (in order of elimination) Viscera, Super Crazy, Val Venis, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, Johnny Nitro, Carly Colon, and Ric Flair, Money In The Bank Last-Chance Elimination Match: Just some observations:
1) My boy paid tribute to the old man’s alma mater by wearing maroon.
2) This could have been a chance to have Shelton Benjamin in his proper place, but they must still have those plans for a tag-team battle royal on the front burner. If so, Benjy and Haas have to be considered favorites, especially if there’s a tag title shot on the line.
3) Flair would have been an acceptable substitute. He really shone in last year’s match, and he doesn’t have any plans for Wrestlemania right now. That’s a damn shame, really.
4) The Edge injury angle was actually executed well, despite the fact that it was obvious what was going to happen. Still, the status quo did have to be maintained in order to build the Edge/Orton feud.
All in all, much ado about nothing, really. It has to be very strange, though, to think that major points in the build-up to Wrestlemania are utilizing the Royal Rumble (see ECW last week as well as this). It’s almost as if they’re pimping the wrong PPV.
If Lita can fake orgasms, Edge can fake injuries
Jamalga over the retard (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): The retard gets killed, abused, and shaved. And you think Jamalga is a heel?
It doesn’t matter how it’s done, just as long as retards are killed
Melina Perez over Candice Michelle, Bra and Panties Match (Duh): Piss break.
Normally it’s guys who have trouble with this
Jeffykins over Randy Orton (DQ, Fun With Ladders): Monday’s equivalent to last week’s FudgePacker/Mattsy-Poo match on Smackdown. Go there if you want to read my three-word reaction to that match, and apply it here as well.
For some reason, I can’t derive any enjoyment from this
John Cena over Our Lord and Savior, Non-Title Versus Non-Title Match (Submission, STFU): Okay, so Benoit carried that useless turd to a good, fast-paced match that flowed nicely. But the ending…it’s like bestiality porn. It might be stimulating and enjoyable to a certain demented and mentally-impaired segment of the audience, but to the vast majority of us, it was highly disturbing and disgusting. If you actually obtained any enjoyment from this match, you’re a sick f*ck that should be euthanized for the benefit of the rest of humankind.
Oh, and, Ross, the Three Amigos and the Triple Germans are not the same thing. But unlike Cole, you at least tried to call it, so I’ll give you points for that.
Oh, this is sickening
Angle Developments:
Two Texans In Search Of A Venue: So, if High-Quality Speaker Boy will come out of retirement only in Noo Yawk, that does leave him in a bind. Is the Meadowlands close enough? That’s the only PPV location this calendar year that’s close to Wall Street. Albeit, that would be SummerSlam, a stage significant enough for him to return (let’s just go kayfabe for a moment and ignore the condition of his back and his upcoming spinal separation surgery). Personally, I wouldn’t mind one more match from him. Yeah, it’ll suck, but could you imagine the face pops that he’d get? And if he wanted heel pops, well, it’s too bad that One-Night Stand is in Jacksonville. The heat for, say, a match between him and Lawler versus Tazz and, just to pull a name out of my hat, Tommy Dreamer would be phenomenal. But we always regret sins of omission.
By the way, letting “prick” get through and bleeping out the rest of the sentence should show everyone the futility of attempted censorship.
I’ll call this a column, since I want to take a quick nap before work. Until ECW sometime tomorrow, enjoy.
