The SmarK 24/7 Rant for World Championship Wrestling – July 27 1985

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for World Championship Wrestling – July 27 1985

– Hosted by Tony Schiavone’s moustache.

– Jim Cornette is first up, clarifying that the “attack” on the Sawyers last week was in fact him responding to an act of cowardice by Buzz, and this begins the long running joke about his mother.

– Buddy Landell v. Pat Tanaka. Tony calls him “Patrick” Tanaka, which is kind of funny. Buddy gets a couple of slams, but Tanaka comes back with a crescent kick and goes all KUNG FU on his ass. He gets a pair of slams, but walks into a stungun and gets smacked down by Landell. Buddy tosses him and Dillon threatens some shenanigans, but just tosses him back in instead. Landell grabs an armbar and asks the fans who the Nature Boy is, and of course gets a different answer than he wants, and so he takes it out on Tanaka. Well, that’s just unfair. Kneedrop, but Tanaka continues showing good fire and chops him down, before Landell drops him with an elbow and drops the elbow, twice, to finish at 4:01. Two corkscrew elbows? What a sadist. Tanaka was obviously being groomed for something given his showing here. *3/4

– The Koloffs let us know that the Rock N Roll Express may have won the titles, but they’ll win the war. Nikita gives a totally incomprehensible promo and Ivan is all “Uh, what Nikita is talking about…” as we get a clip of them destroying Ric Flair.

– And now, the NEW US champion, Tully Blanchard, who won the title from Magnum since our last episode. Tully gives him props for being a great champion, however.

– Buzz & Brett Sawyer v. Vern Deaton & Randy Barber. Brett takes Barber down while Buzz makes menacing noises on the apron , so Barber hits him in the injured back when he comes in. Hey, a smart jobber! Buzz beats the crap out of him for that, so many not so smart. Brett comes in with an elbow off the top, and Barber brings in Deaton. Brett pounds away on him and Buzz adds a suplex and tosses him. Back in, a rather impressive powerslam off the top finishes at 2:42. Well, they meant business this week. *

– And now, Magnum TA Has A Bad Day. We get footage of him cutting a promo against Tully Blanchard (he promises to come on Tully like “no one has ever come on you before!” because two men are gonna get it on. No, really, you think I make this stuff up?) Apparently the Andersons don’t like unintentional innuendo in promos any more than I do, because they run in and beat Magnum into a pulp for no reason. Or IS there a reason? What do the Andersons have to do with Tully Blanchard, I wonder?

– Tony clarifies that Magnum & Dusty were going after the National tag titles later that night, which kind of shoots down my theory about foreshadowing something else. Fine, be that way. We get footage of Dusty coming to the ring alone later, all confused, and he asks for five minutes to go look for his partner. The Andersons don’t give no five minutes to no one, and beat the crap out of HIM, too. The bloodied Magnum comes out of the dressing room to try to save Dusty, but they put another beating on him before the midcard squad finally clears the ring. Frankly I’m shocked that Dusty didn’t book himself to win the titles single-handedly on top of all this.

– Nikita Koloff v. The Black Cat. Koloff runs Mr. Cat into several portions of the ring and gets a backbreaker, then no-sells a headbutt and slugs him down. Russian Sickle finishes at 1:52. Perhaps the Black Cat should have tried crossing Nikita’s path, and thus getting a moral victory by giving him 7 years bad luck. DUD

– Ric Flair time, and he’s OUTRAGED. To put it mildly! Well, I’d hardly call it “putting it mildly,” but I suppose it works on an ironic level. He cares about PRO WRESTLING and AMERICA. Thus, he may hate Dusty Rhodes’ guts, but he RESPECTS him, because he’s AMERICAN. Flair’s emphasis here, not mine. Notice how Dusty works himself into everyone’s interview. Nikita, however, is NOT American, and thus will be taken to school by Slick Ric and, in not so many words, will be Flair’s bitch when it’s all over. I could watch Flair promos all day, kids.

– The Midnight Express v. Sam Houston & Joe Lightfoot. Cornette zings Tony with “You’ve got a phone call in the back, it’s Rock Hudson”. Houston dominates Eaton to start with armdrags, before Eaton casually tosses him and just absolutely DRILLS him with a pescado that bulldogs Houston into the concrete. Oh, mama. Back in, Condrey slams him, but Houston is amazingly not brain-damaged from that and fights back until Eaton gives him a neckbreaker and elbowdrop. I should note that Eaton’s checked tights make him look like a court jester. Condrey slugs Houston down and it’s back to Eaton, but Joe Lightfoot gets the tag. Oh, they’re in trouble now! Dropkick for Eaton, but he gets sucked into a criss-cross with Eaton and Condrey sneaks in to level him, setting up a missile dropkick from Eaton halfway across the ring to finish at 3:08. Tremendous squash! *1/2

– Tully returns to note that maybe Magnum just shouldn’t have gotten out of bed last week.

– Terry Taylor v. Larry Clark. Taylor boots Clark down quickly and finishes with the five-arm and high cross at 0:32. Man, everyone is just full of piss and vinegar this week.

– The Sawyers join us to refute Jim Cornette’s version of events last week. Now who would accuse Jim Cornette of telling a lie? Despite saying that the yelling and screaming is over, Buzz proceeds to yell and scream.

– NWA World TV title: Dusty Rhodes v. Arn Anderson. Dusty quickly elbows Arn down and they fight outside, and back in again. Arn backs off while Dusty yells at Baby Doll, apparently not having learned to control his woman. Dusty starts working the leg and we take a break, as that first hour just flew by this week. Back with Dusty still holding a leglock on the mat, and then shifting to a kneecrusher before going back to dropping elbows on the knee. Arn goes to the throat to break it up and chokes him out on the ropes, then starts on the arm. He keeps taking Dusty down by the hair while Baby Doll tries to lead the crowd in chairs for Arn, to no avail. They slug it out in the corner and Dusty slams him off that, then throws a DROPKICK?!? ZOMG! Arn goes right back to the arm and Dusty bails, so Arn pounds on him as he tries to come back in. Back in, Arn stays on the arm with a hammerlock, until he gets caught cheating and has to break. Dusty comes back with headbutts and slugs him down with rather dramatic baseball swings, and they crack heads and both are out. Dusty recovers first with a suplex and throws the punches, setting up a three-point stance tackle that takes out the ref. Dusty with his shitty figure-four, but no ref means that Ole Anderson gets a free pass to lay him out, and that he does. Arn gets two off that, and the ref is bumped again. AA slugs away, and the poor ref is bumped a THIRD time (I’d be demanding medical insurance if I was a ref), and Dusty hits AA with an elbow off the top. Magnum runs in and counts three, but that’s just silly. The ref wakes up, and probably fearing for his life at this point, calls for a DQ before permanent damage can be done to him. America’s Team brawls with the Andersons, as Magnum is in a supremely pissed off mood. **

– Over to Magnum, as Tony is all “Obviously you’re in no mood to talk, but I want to hear from you anyway.” Heartless bastard. Dusty rages against “Hollywood wrestling”. Is that a shot at the WWF?

– Abdullah the Butcher v. George South. Abby attacks quickly (well, as quickly as he does anything) and pounds him down, ignoring South’s attempts at offense. He chokes away on the ropes and goes to a Vulcan nerve pinch, and the big fat elbow finishes at 2:50. You’ve seen one Butcher squash, you’ve seen ’em all. DUD

– Over to Dick Slater, who reminds us that he’s still here. Not for long.

– Kevin Sullivan offers his reply, because he can see the future and the Tree of Woe and the River of the Dead and stuff.

– Pez Whatley & Jimmy Valiant v. Jim Jeffers & Donald Ross. Valiant stops by the desk to tell a joke: “There was a rumor that my old lady had eyes for my best friend, so I went home and shot my dog.” Valiant pounds Jeffers down and chokes him out, then kisses the ref to distract him. Well, whatever works. Ross, wearing what appears to be Jim Cornette’s wrestling outfit, comes in and also gets choked out. Pez gets a gutwrench for two. Double axehandle gets two. Valiant pounds on both jobbers and brings in Ross, as Pez gets the flying headbutt and Valiant drops the elbow to finish at 3:32. Sure, Whatley was all fun-loving here, but soon after this he would viciously turn on Valiant change his name to Shaska. You can’t trust anyone named after a candy.

– Bob Roop v. Rocky King. Next week: Wahoo McDaniel & Billy Jack defend the US tag titles against “Ravishing Rick Rudd” and Jack Hart. This Rudd guy sounds interesting. We’ll get to Jack Hart when we actually get the match next week, because he became rather famous as someone else later on and I don’t want to spoil it for you. Roop wrestles King down and gets two off a crucifix, but King’s afro is so big that he can’t keep him on the mat. Rocky tries an armbar and takes him down, so Roop freaks out and pounds away in the corner, then gets a nasty shoulderbreaker to finish at 3:28. 1/2* Pez Whatley runs in and stands up for the black contingent on the show, while Kevin Sullivan comes out and stares Roop down. OK then.

– The Koloffs return to LAUGH at Flair’s love of America, because they’re evil Commie pinkos who probably listen to the Dixie Chicks. Ric Flair: Beware.

– The Rock N Roll Express v. Terry Flynn & Mike Nichols. Ricky and Robert switch off on the arm of Flynn to start, and Nichols LEAPS into the ring, ready to be squashed. Morton takes him down with a headlock, as does Gibson, and Morton gets a half-assed dropkick and works the leg. Over to Flynn again, begin again, and the Express finishes with the double dropkick at 3:39. Rather blah outing for them compared to the super-energized destruction that was the MX this week.

– Tully Blanchard v. Mack Jeffers. Tully controls with a headlock and wrestles him to the mat with a hammerlock, then adds a running knee and casually slugs him down to set up the slingshot suplex at 2:20. No sweat with this one.

– Tony wraps it up for another week. Great outing this time, as the 90 minutes just flew by and everyone but the Rock N Roll Express was jazzed and giving it 110%.

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