Pulse Wrestling Answers #017

Features

Before we get going:

If 300 was a wrestling match it would involve Chris Benoit, William Regal, Bryan Danielson and Kenta Kobashi taking on the entire nWo in a Wargames Match in which pinfalls and submissions only count if decapitation is involved. And anybody whose chest wasn’t busted open by the end of the night would have their testicles taken from their unworthy body. And then later on they’d all go backstage, stock up on beer and meat, and march down south to fight crime and crucify Vince Russo. It’s that manly and that awesome and that just plain right. As soon as the DVD is out then Die Hard will lose its proud position as the ultimate Guys Night In movie. John McClane can have all the plans he wishes, none of them will involve killing a giant rhinoceros.

But you didn’t come here looking for a movie review, I’m sure. No, you came here looking for a madman blethering away about wrestling like he had nothing better to do – and for once I really don’t, and that’s A Good Thing. After all, this is the start of WrestleMania Week, when even the most jaded of smart-arse wannabes start to feel the hype, to quicken the pulse and to tingle their interest before heading off to wherever the hell Ring of Honor is going to be and try to pretend that they really have no interest in what WWE puts on at the Ford Field.

Bollocks.

You all love it, just admit it, just this once. Nobody is listening. Slag off Raw, laugh at and not with ECW, forget that Smackdown is even on, but don’t dare pretend that WrestleMania does not tickle your fancy.

Well, we here at Pulse Wrestling are all about fancy-tickling this week. As you’ll have noticed by now, Scott Keith has once again embarked upon a quest to repost WrestleMania rants that everybody with any interest in reading must surely have done so by now, pushing all original content off the main page along the way (but he’s got a book deal, so we’re not allowed to criticise). Of more interest might be his review of WrestleMania III – Championship Edition. The DVD-plus-extras is the first in a remastered series (hopefully) that I first wanted to be released several years ago, so just the fact that it exists at all is pretty cool. However, it seems to be a wasted opportunity. Where are the commentary tracks by the likes of Hogan, Piper, Roberts, Steamboat or Heenan? Where are the retrospectives from fans in attendance or people behind-the-scenes? Where is the thorough footage covering the beats of the major storylines leading up to the show? Simply lumping on a rather irreverent Battle Royal from SNME hardly marks the peak of special edition DVD potential. Oh well, give me a Great American Bash 1989 – Championship Edition set and I promise not to complain about anything.

But that’s not all. PK, our resident overgrown child, and his March Figures Madness feature is progressing nicely after eliminating Hulk Hogan. With a bit of luck Brian Kendrick might even make it all the way to the final…

Matthew Michaels, resident columnist prodder and killer of procrastination, has posted the latest update in his exhaustive WWE Transaction History, which not only proves that he cares about the brand splits far more than the McMahons do but that the power of cross-promotion confuses more than it assists. Still, it’s a neat feature to keep abreast of.

And, not to be outdone by himself, MM has been chomping at the bit to update this post whenever possible to keep everybody updated about the latest developments of the WrestleMania 23 card and WWE Hall of Fame 2007 inductions.

Meanwhile, Wizard Magazine interviewed Kane about his appearance on Smallville, which has sod all to do with the build for Mania but is still rather cool as it was conducted by former Comics Nexus honcho Ben Morse.

I guess that Prime Time Pulse has no Smallville reviewer now but here’s a clip:

And, since I’ve digressed so far that I’ve already lost my way back, just for the hell of it, here are the Top 5 Reasons Why Smallville Is Better Than Superman Returns:

1. Allison Mack Whoever the hell it was that played Lois Lane in the film, I forget and won’t lower myself to checking on IMDB
2. Clark gets to fight evil rather than just contemplate it like Superman
3. Michael Rosenbaum impregnates, marries and manipulates the woman Clark loves, Kevin Spacey discusses real estate and eats a dog
4. There are no scenes involving Clark breaking into a small boy’s bedroom in the middle of the night
5. John Glover will cut you if you don’t watch

Similarly, MM will cut himself if you don’t read the rest of our Mania features, which are due up this week. It’s a tough life being as hairy as he is, it causes a great deal of emotional insecurity, so let’s not provoke his inner bald beast. Anyway, you can look forward to seeing:

– Grut’s Guide to Detroit and/or steriods (he wasn’t terribly specific)

– Eric, Vinny, Aaron, Blatt, MM and more produce our Official WrestleMania Dream Match Guide

– Blatt makes a startling bid for glory by revealing the Word WrestleMania Match Ever (clues can be found here)

As well as other assorted bits and pieces that are far too secretive for me to have heard about. It’s so exciting it makes me wanna PUMP IT UP PUMP IT UP:

JUST LIKE THAT JUST LIKE THAT.

C’mon, it’s so much easier to enjoy than this year’s song. Let’s just hope the quality of the themes has no bearing on the quality of the events.

It’s not just Pulse Wrestling that’s feeling the excitement of WrestleMania, of course. Every wrestling site out there is the same. Some post articles like this that may or may not have had any bearing on my main man Lester writing back in with his attempt at a Mania recap:

“Ok I saw what Erics wrote bout me and I will try harder thsi time i don’;t
want to let you down iIan, I’m good! I know i can do this! I got soem help
from some friends and we sst down rtogether to doa rondtable reveiw of
wreslrtfmeania from wreesmtlamnia !1.

]Wrestrlermania1 1 rondtable revew bylester and cpompynay

Hi I melseter and my fgriedns are georger and ferdie, sorry or the bad
articel lasst week mr.eric I was do bettre. I’m tryin toe get brtrter atg
tuiiping asnd I’ wil type myo friends thorughts now.

=Lex & Billdog vs Blue Tins

Lester: They diend’t have a match for Dave thre eyear before and lex was
fighindg uyokozono and now he wasin the open so he must havne done not good
but htghe BLue boys coulda beena goodf tag team but hthey lost

George: Lex ws in themanin event the last year and now ws in the first match
and had to fight Yokkozona with Builldog and they lost

Ferodie: One year befoe, lex was the chap and zuna won and thid yedar he had
to fight the blue men and they lost but david boy wasd back ferom the
doctors, this meatch opened wrestlermania.

=-jeff jerrett and doggie vs razer eramon with 123 ic champ

LEster jertrtt dwas the champ and threy had a match at the rumblre to set
thsi uup where jeff won the belt and razro woas going to win it bacvk but he
din’t and the kid tid some kicks

Goere: JMfrrey won the belt at ehte rumbler in a match but then herl ost and
won again aqnd thenm they fought at the GRANGDADY ONF THM ALL here

Froerdi; they hasd this match athte rumble and jerrtt won the match and then
they had ti again and i don’t remember who won but i liked the kid because
hew as small nd sot funny lokingn fella.

===own har t vs yookozono with guns and belts online

Lefter: Owen had bern weintg foe a yerar to win a match when he beat bret at
the year before and now he won again via a pinfall to win

Gogrge: the mighty jokozonu did fcoma back for the belt and the guns
gweren’t happy, eboth own and zono beat bert the yewar before and notw hey
had guns

Forerind: whne brt asnfd owen fight in the X there aws a winnert and tit was
owne nwo he has a fat man in his behind so who ias oing to beat him?you can
try with guns but they don’ tworksnd thy won.

===breet hut vd mr backlond (NBACKLOND! LOL!)

kester; brt was the vhamp in the leyear lkater adn now he was fighting mr
baklond withuout a belt, it made mew sad and thematch was great hthough with
rod comeing out of nowhere to insert himslf into stuffand blakclkond
chockned on it. bret WONQ

fiegf@ blakclond won the blt fom bret and bnow bret wonated it back but bob
didn’t hsve it so he fouhgt him intsead maybe he shoul ds heave got a gun if
he’s gon to ehsee iowne zand then hwe was to have a blt. He loist.

=footbell vs ba mmbam,

lesdter; i couldnt’ believe it when ther football jumper won the royald
reumble and bigelow jumpied on him they had to hae a vmatch and iw as so
pumped up abou i t i loveds it whnen he jumped off he top fof the match
inoto the bifg man and then they all celenbrates in the ring it as a great
monemtn rthat you read about

goog: therewa s a rumble showndon wehn biglow showverd eTL int he face into
the 165th floor and then you jus tkwnow that you have to have amtach.

fiona’;;;- yhah, tghis is what it was about a profedsional spokrtman against
a fomer football LOL (KENNEDY!!! LOL!!!) and the fotoball won butyg it was
much better than you thnk go watch it agani adn you’lls ee.

Sot here you havbe ti, i hope you’;ll swatch wrlestmena 111 fagin with new
eyes now, thanksd for space.

LESTER”

Lester – representing a generation that finds John Cena cool.

A solid effort lad, definite improvement on your first attempt. Keep it up. But you did somehow forget a couple of WMXI matches, so perhaps I should fill in the gaps for you:

= The Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy

Iain: Taker had a Fat Man and the fat man had a BUCKET but Bald Man wanted the Taker but Bald Man had a BLACK MAN and Black Man (n. Steve) got the bucket though Taker got the Bald Man and beat him by touching him. I like this match because it reminds me of church.

= Diesel vs. Shawn Michaels

Iain: HBK got a blond but BDC got a skankier blond (BORATZ r00LZZ!) but HBK had SID but none of that matters because best friends = better enemies = hitting folk with fake legs; though that was another time; this was the first time and there were no ladders or Canadians so the match was alright but not all right and in the end Jeff Jarrett was neither here nor there. Diesel won by jacknifing Shawn in a manly manner until Shawn just couldn’t take the pounding and laid down and took what he got given to him. This match made me think of the year 1995, which had no McFly but had a Beckett. I’m thirsty.

So, I’m glad we got that all cleared up then.

Honestly, I’m getting to the Q&A bit. There’s just one brief public protest to go on first, as Ryan Ro backs me up on a point from last week:

“Good column as always etc etc. Good bit of fantasy TNA booking. But
I was wondering what was UP with the “page automatically ends up at
the bottom” bit. Whether I’m using Safari or Firefox I’m having the
exact same problem you are.”

Thoughts? Anyone?

Fuck it, might as well do a Q…

Mike Long suffers the children by daring to examine the year 2002 in wrestling:

“Wrestling fans may want to forget the WWEs summer of
2002. At least the RAW side. I recall that almost
every weeek the main event was usually two guys who
didn’t wrestle (HBK & Nash) of the NWO… TALKING!!
Then they had the time consuming storyline of bringing
HHH to RAW to join, but that when straight to hell
after Nash got injured in 2 seconds and X-Pac was
fired, so the NWO was gone. I have two questions.
1.what was the original plan for the payoff?, if it is
even known for sure. My thought was HHH was going to
face Nash (we now how that turned out later) @
Summerslam w/HBK in between, or was HHH going to
actually join NWO and go on some crusade w/them.
leading to qu #2. Would Shawn have even attempted a
comeback if the entire NWO deal wouldn’t have gone up
in smoke? I recall him just weeks before saying he
would NEVER come back to wrestle and the fans killed
HBK and on and on and on. Just wondering what the
original idea behind that terrible, boring, months
long angle was supposed to end up being.”

Oh, if only they had even found a point to it. The nWo came back to pop a rating or two, or maybe even a buyrate (nah), with an eye towards having Hogan face Rock and then Austin somewhere down the line. Of course, with Austin in the middle of a meltdown and the WWE fans deciding they didn’t really hate Hogan after all, plans for the nWo were scrapped but not replaced, leaving the group in limbo. Meanwhile, the company was still trying to figure out the specifics of the brand extension. That took up most of their attention, along with Operation: Brock on Smackdown and Operation: Love Hs on Raw, so the nWo were all but an afterthought. After all, Raw had by now lost both Austin and Rock, while HHH was proving rather limited as a top babyface act. They returned to the tried-and-tested “random people join the nWo” method that WCW ran into the ground four years earlier purely out of desperation – and a little bit of certain people not wanting Benoit, Guerrero or RVD to steal their thunder. There would have been a HHH/Nash feud in the making had Nash not fallen over and made the world laugh at him for being such a big pussy, but it would have been nothing but a step on the road towards HHH/HBK at SummerSlam. Michaels had been angling for a comeback for a long time but only in 2002 did his body, the company and his family all agree that it was possible. It was in fact meant to be a one-time deal at first but it was in the pipeline long before the nWo lost Nash, Waltman and Hall. Actually, remember when the nWo lost Hogan but tried to replace him with Waltman and act like it was no big deal? Oh, how we laughed

I couldn’t find a clip of Big Kev tearing his quad and greeting his eyes out unfortunately, so here’s something rather weird. Nash – and SID! – on a 1980s quiz show!

A shame we won’t get anymore Nash Mania Moments. Just think about the kind of contribution he could make to the event. For instance, he could go to the concessions stand, check the price of the nachos, check what change he had in his wallet, and then buy some nachos if it was enough. And maybe even a Coke! He doesn’t strike me as a Pepsi man.

Of course, there are numerous people who could potentially contribute to this year’s WrestleMania. After all, they can’t all be fitted onto the card, not when there’s a billionaire and a soft-porn star to promote. But let’s take a look at who on the current WWE rosters didn’t make the cut and what they could have done had they gotten the chance to shine.

The Unusual WrestleManiacs:

Here they are, in decreasing order of usefulness:

Johnny Nitro – now, we all know that he should be on the card but Foley couldn’t be arsed turning up and Melina irritated everybody. So, Foley gets to promote his book and Melina gets a title match. Considering how terribly not bothered Nitro seems to be by all of this, I can only assume that the sex is great. Guess who with.

Carlito – a decent feud with Flair leads up to… nothing, because, channelling the sour spirit of Ultra Magnus, WWE can’t deal with that right now. Maybe at Backlash, or maybe not, since there will only be space for two or three Raw matches. Bet Carlito would trade all the apples in the world, or at the very least the green ones, for that Hispanic brand to come along real soon.

Paul London & Brian Kendrick – they’ve held the belts for over 300 days but Nodnol hasn’t appeared on a ‘big four’ PPV since Rumble ’06, Spanky never has, and the belts they hold haven’t been seen on one since WrestleMania XX. Smell the enthusiasm! If you wonder why Kane/Khali can get onto this year’s card yet London/Kendrick cannot defend their belts against the Hardys and/or MNM and/or Regal/Taylor and/or Benjamin/Haas then congratulations on having a brain.

Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas – I am clearly ranking them far, far higher than WWE ever will considering they just jobbed Haas out to an OVW guy in a dark match earlier in the month, while Shelton has never recovered since losing his momma – or more specifically since getting her. That doesn’t change the fact that they are two of the finest young wrestling talents in WWE right now, yet in this day and age that remains far from enough to change the fact that they will probably never get a PPV bonus again. And yet ECW’s gonna get themselves some tag belts! Titles that are rarely acknowledged are EXTREME!

Ric Flair – see Carlito. Add in stuff about him being really old and pathetic nowadays. Tug a few heartstrings, then remember he brought it all on himself by being so thick, then remember that he’s still gonna be remembered fondly decades from now whereas we are not – so why criticise?

William Regal & Dave Taylor – Bill and Dave are denied an excellent adventure but avoid a bogus journey because nobody really thought they would be used as anything more than filler material anyway. They’ll be in that pre-show battle royal thing and they’ll like it just as much as they like paper.

Kenny Dykstra – or, the guy whose feud got dropped because Carlito was being lazy. It’s good that he’s not there, nobody his age should be on a Mania card. Besides, he might work in a few awkward spots that transfer the mandatory herpes he is helping to bring forth from the nethers of Horseface. The Health & Safety demon triumphs again. Speaking of which…

Mickie James – [WARNING: Link not remotely safe for work]: click.

Daivari – no doubt he is still reeling from the stupidity of not putting the CW belt onto him last month, and possibly from getting dragged around by a great big pointy hook, so there’s no need to rush him back. But please, don’t waste this guy. Wrestling in the Cruiserweight Division is neither here nor there, we all know that he can make for a great manager, or even a great General Manager if they are that keen on ditching Teddy but reluctant on Vickie’s believability as a human being, so use him somewhere!!

Super Crazy – I guess Gerwitz got tired of Nacho Libre and moved onto movie pastures new. Perhaps Crazy’s new gimmick should be whatever Jack Black movie the writing staff have seen on any given week. He could form a rock group with the WWE midgets, or bring a giant monkey to the ring, or call up Jim Carrey and tell him to stay the hell away from Ferris Bueller.

Jamie Noble – this is how much the ROH Title means to WWE. And you wanted them to sign Samoa Joe! I have no idea what Noble could have brought to Mania in spite of his many talents. Perhaps he could have taken refreshments orders for the announce tables and made sure Tazz was wearing his bib so the pizza toppings didn’t spill on his suit.

Victoria – the one who can wrestle but doesn’t get to. Also the one who wants to do Playboy but doesn’t get to. Used to have a crazysexycool character, is now trying to become Candice. You’re better than this, Vic!

Jillian Hall – woman who jiggles boobs left without a spot! Film at eleven.

Jimmy Wang Yang – he could be there backstage, teaching children about other words that rhyme with “Wang”, such as “Kang” and not “Kodos”. Yup.

Chavo Guerrero – got new hair and a crappy title, flunked opportunity to become permanent upper mid-card fixture. Eh.

Snitsky – who here likes what he does to babies?

Hardcore Holly – Bob is better off watching at home in his racecar pyjamas, sitting on his racecar shaped bed, eating fudge.

Joey Mercury – also known as “the other one”. He used to date Horseface but made a close escape. Then he dated Hemme and she got fired. Then he dated Zidian and she got fired. If we can only arrange for him and Stephanie to have an intimate dinner together…

Little Guido & Vito – real wise guys wear nothing at all, not dresses. And this guy has to tour with JBL??

Eugene – I guess he’ll turn from mentally handicapped comic relief to f*cked-in-the-head-psycho by virtue of losing his hair, which could be fun – especially if any easily impressionable care workers are watching.

The Boogeyman – he’s still coming to get ya but not that often. Shall no doubt have a random backstage altercation with someone, possibly Trump.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – two guys who apparently turn Dusty Rhodes on, which is an admirable, if frightening, talent. Unfortunately, Dusty can’t turn anybody on and so they get no push.

Cryme Tyme – scheduled to appear on a DVD-exclusive tag team battle royal in the very near future. Personally, I’d have them appear on the scrapheap and stay there. Really, what’s the point of having a black team do a stereotype gimmick if – DAMN – it has nothing to do with the Nation of Domination? Who’s gonna bum rush yo mutha?

Val Venis – still here, still peddling his wares at house shows with due dilligence and professionalism. Not a bad word to say about Morley, really.

Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki – they are, like Nikki and Take A Shit Guy from Lost, an island unto themselves.

Stevie Richards – nobody at WWE knows he exists, especially those handling the payroll, and we’re not supposed to let them know, okay?

Deuce & Domino – too shite to bother with, too average to let go, too funny to have JBL make them do things on roller skates backstage that cause them to burst into tears while he howls with laughter and strokes things.

The Highlanders – it’s true, you know. We all want to be Mel Gibson. Every St Andrews Day we paint our faces blue and reinact the killing of Christ, or whatever non-correct religious person happens to be nearest to hand.

Jim Duggan – yes, he’s still listed as being on the Raw roster, even when Hogan is not. We all know that this is the person who should be singing the national anthem on the 1st April. Sorry, April 1st. Don’t hate me, American.

Balls Mahoney – once Dreamer re-retires, Sandman gets drunk enough to be fired, Sabu gets sleepy enough to be fired and Rob takes a road trip to Orlando, dude, this will be all that is left of ECW. Balls. How appropriate.

Viscera – seriously, how the f*ck is he still employed?

Mike Knox – the world needs Knox randomly appearing beside Shawn Michaels and being superkicked in the face whilst Michaels simultaneously no-sells his presence.

Shannon Moore – three redeeming qualities; he doesn’t come from my hometown, I’ve never had to talk to him, and we can all snigger about his hairstyle.

Candice Michelle – two redeeming qualities; neither of which are real but we can get drunk enough to pretend.

The Miz – one redeeming quality: he’s gotta die someday.

So, really, we’re only one or two tag team matches away from having the best possible Mania card. That’s… unusual.

Anyway:

Matt Reed must be called an idiot:

“I saw that human torch match, and despite the quite stupid premise, the
match was actually not half bad, besides the lights dying for no reason.

The announcing was actually emotional, or at least it sounded that way to
me. Haven’t heard anyone break Kayfabe and call a wrestler by their real
name in…well, a really long time.

Feel free to call me an idiot if you must.

Oh, and what the hell happened to Ultimo Dragon, anyways? Retired?
Training people in Japan like Taka Michinoku? Please tell me he didn’t wind
up like Jake Roberts…”

Kayfabe is underrated these days, as evidenced by the far-from-scintillating feud between “Steve” and “Chris” in TNA.

Ultimo Dragon is still wrestling. He did a few dates for CMLL in Mexico and NWE in Italy, as well as the UWA promotion working the Toronto area. Most recently he has been back in Mexico working for smaller promotions there with opponents like Yoshihiro Tajiri and L.A. Park, all of which sounds like tremendous fun. To the best of my knowledge he has never once pretended that a snake was his penis or suffered the indignity of losing false teeth during a match, which puts him ahead of Jake Roberts on points. As for training people like Taka has been, well, wait and see what the future holds.

Normally I would just lump in a video of him going arse-over-tit at WrestleMania XX. Instead, here’s a match with Sasuke from the J-Cup Final in 1996:

Ultimo also has the very shiny honour of not being on the WrestleMania Dead List, a notion lifted wholesale from the mind of Ross Williams.

Check it out:

The Deadest Granddaddy Of ‘Em All:

WrestleMania I [4 dead]
– Junkyard Dog, Andre the Giant, Big John Studd, Classy Freddie Blassie

WrestleMania II [9 dead]
– Classy Freddie Blassie, Andre the Giant, Davey Boy Smith, Hercules Hernandez, Uncle Elmer, Adrian Adonis, Junkyard Dog, Harvey Martin, Big John Studd

WrestleMania III [9 dead]
– Hercules, Haiti Kid, Little Beaver, Junkyard Dog, Dino Bravo, Adrian Adonis, Davey Boy Smith, Miss Elizabeth, Andre the Giant

WrestleMania IV [9 dead]
– Bad News Allen, Andre the Giant, Dino Bravo, Miss Elizabeth, Bam Bam Bigelow, Rick Rude, Hercules, Davey Boy Smith, Junkyard Dog

WrestleMania V [9 dead]
– Hercules, Big Bossman, Curt Hennig, Owen Hart, Andre the Giant, Big John Studd, Rick Rude, Bad News Allen, Miss Elizabeth

WrestleMania VI [10 dead]
– Andre the Giant, Earthquake, Hercules, Curt Hennig, Bad News Allen, Sapphire, Miss Elizabeth, Dino Bravo, Rick Rude, Big Bossman

WrestleMania VII [9 dead]
– Kerry Von Erich, Dino Bravo, Davey Boy Smith, Andre the Giant, Big Bossman, Miss Elizabeth, Earthquake, Road Warrior Hawk, Hercules

WrestleMania VIII [5 dead]
– Big Bossman, Miss Elizabeth, Curt Hennig, Earthquake, Owen Hart

WrestleMania IX [2 dead]
– Curt Hennig, Yokozuna

WrestleMania X [5 dead]
– Owen Hart, Bam Bam Bigelow, Yokozuna, Curt Hennig, Earthquake

WrestleMania XI [4 dead]
– Davey Boy Smith, Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Bam Bam Bigelow

WrestleMania XII [3 dead]
– Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Yokozuna,

WrestleMania XII [3 dead]
– Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, Road Warrior Hawk

WrestleMania XIV [2 dead]
– Owen Hart, Road Warrior Hawk

WrestleMania XV [5 dead]
– Owen Hart, Big Bossman, Johnny Grunge, Rocco Rock, Road Warrior Hawk

WrestleMania XVI [3 dead]
– Big Bossman, Crash Holly, Eddie Guerrero

WrestleMania XVII [2 dead]
– Eddie Guerrero, Earthquake

Then there are no dead from WrestleMania XVIII and XXII, and just the one dead from WrestleManias XIX, XX and XXI, which is of course Eddie Guerrero.

There’s something disconcerting about one of the Canadian Manias having the most deaths of them all, but not nearly as much as WMIX getting away with so many alive people. It’s not that I’m advocating murder or anything, but somebody needs to be blamed to right the karmic alignment of the planet.

Wow, I have officially run out of time by spraffing on excessively about random elements of WrestleMania. More to come next week when I have better time management skills and won’t have to cut everything short to get new carpets fitted. More questions too, from the vaults and from you, sexy reader… possibly even from Lester, we shall see.

AIM: KingKongBurnside