Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
The AP recently published an article on how Nickelback and Black Eyed Peas are so successful despite making terrible music for jerks…
Few bands inspire such intense hatred as Nickelback.
The post-grunge Canadian quartet has been trashed, bashed and hated on by countless critics, music snobs and other like-minded souls. So have much-maligned acts like Hinder, a rock band from Oklahoma; the Grammy-winning Black Eyed Peas, who have spawned infectious rap hits “My Humps†and “Don’t Phunk With My Heartâ€; and Britney Spears, who in her heyday ruled radio but was condemned for everything from her voice to not writing her own songs.
Yet these acts have sold millions upon millions of albums. …
So are the critics wrong?
No, because I’m sort of a critic, and I’m never wrong.
Do music buyers have bad taste?
Only the ones who buy shitty music, which is most of them. How else does one explain the fact that Fred Durst and Lil Jon are both millionaires, while the late J Dilla’s mother has to depend on charities to make ends meet?
Is this karmic payback to all the haters?
Nope. Just music buyers having bad taste.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
SNOOP DOGG was denied a visa to enter the UK last week, as the rapper was slated to appear with THE AD HOC AWARD-DEMANDING WASTE OF SKIN at Wembley Arena on Tuesday, as well as four other scheduled performances in the country. “Snoop and his team are mystified at the decision and are hoping that the British government will reconsider this decision, especially as he has toured here before and sees the UK as being the highlight of the tour,” a tour organizer told reporters. “He has asked how he can help rectify the situation and would happily talk to and give assurances to the officials.” When asked about the incident by reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, a representative for the UK’s Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, “We would never comment on visa applications by individuals, but in something that is completely unrelated to this case, I’ve heard that Snoop Dogg is a really bad briber.”
After canceling some shows over the past two weeks to let singer ROGER DALTREY recover from a bout with bronchitis, THE WHO resumed their North American tour on Thursday, with a performance at the Alltel Arena in North Little Rock, Ark. Daltrey was able to sing throughout the entire 95-minute set (save for “Eminence Front”) without incident, though he was seen occasionally coughing and sipping water. … In other The Who-related news, during a webchat interview with KAXQ-FM, guitarist/singer PETE TOWNSHEND lashed out against writers who have been referring to recently reformed band THE POLICE as a “classic rock” band, grating, “You’ve got the Stones and the Who: classic rock—finished. It’s all over after that. This is just music. It’s not classic anything.” He added that The Police a little more than a “punk” band, before logging off to download some child pornography.
TONY YAYO, of 50 CENT‘s G-UNIT rap group, was arrested on Saturday in New York, on charges of harassment and endangering the welfare of a child, for allegedly slapping a 14-year-old boy. According to eyewitnesses, Yayo (né Marvin Bernard) saw the boy on Tuesday afternoon, wearing a Czar Entertainment t-shirt in the street; Czar Entertainment is run by Jimmy “Henchman” Rosemond, and represents THE GAME, who has been embroiled in a bitter rivalry with 50 Cent and G-Unit since cutting off ties with them last year. Being the hard-on that he is, Yayo approached the boy, called him a douchebag or a pussy n[edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)] or something like that, and bitch-slapped him. Turns out that the boy was actually the son of Jimmy “Henchman” Rosemond. Oops. 50 Cent and other members of G-Unit were reportedly at the scene, and were questioned by police, though Yayo was the only one who ended up being arrested and charged. The boy’s mother, Cynthia Reed, issued a statement towards the rappers: “As a mother I am concerned that my son (who is a fan of hip-hop) would be attacked by the same artist whose music he listens to … It’s a shame that 50 Cent and Tony Yayo could feel comfortable slapping and physically attacking an innocent 14-year-old minor that they market and promote their records to. This is a cowardly act on my son, who has done nothing to warrant the verbal and physical abuse he received. This issue should not be taken lightly and these men should be looked upon as a serious threat to society, having taken their relentless public rants towards their rivalries to [an extreme] level. This [incident] should be looked [upon] as a step away from child molestation. I seek justice in the form of restoring my son’s dignity and making sure any child can wear whatever they want without fear of bodily injury.” When asked about why he would smack a 14-year-old kid, Tony Yayo told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that 50 Cent had pissed him off earlier in the day, when G-Unit had purchased a large box of doughnuts, and 50 had taken the last pink frosted one, even though he knew that was Yayo’s favorite. Later on in the day, he had mistaken the 14-year-old boy for 50, “since 50 Cent sort of looks like a 14-year-old boy,” and he thought he was actually slapping 50 Cent. When it was brought to Yayo’s attention that 50 Cent had been present when the assault took place, Tony Yayo pointed at a ceiling rafter and ran away when the reporter looked at it.
Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. offered some advice to JENNIFER HUDSON during a recent interview, in regards to her selecting roles after winning an Academy Award last month for Dreamgirls. Gooding, who won an Academy Award for his role in 1996’s Jerry Maguire, told Hudson, “You can’t think about comparing scripts you get to the film you won for … Jennifer can’t say, ‘This isn’t as good as Dreamgirls.'” Well, I guess that explains Boat Trip.
Former SPICE GIRLS singer/celebrity soccer mom Victoria Beckham is apparently getting fed up with Tom Cruise and his damn Scientology, as he’s been trying to get her and husband David Beckham to join the religion ever since befriending them over the past year. Us Weekly reported: “Victoria is sick and tired of Tom being on her back about Scientology … Victoria is an old-fashioned British woman who believes in God. She finds it quite rude that Tom is bugging her so much. Not too long ago, Tom left 18 messages in one hour to get them to join the church. When she says no, she means no.” Cruise’s rep replied to the comments, saying, “This is completely false. Tom does not and never has encouraged anyone to adopt Scientology.” When Cruise’s wife, Katie Holmes, attempted to contest this statement, she has blindfolded, ball-gagged and thrown back in “the box.”
A medical glove that was worn by METALLICA singer James Hetfield back in 1992, after having suffered second and third-degree burns on his hand from some errant pyro during a concert, is being auctioned off an eBay. The seller claims to have acquired the item, as well as a backstage pass and Hetfield-signed guitar pick, from the band’s former tour manager. No word on what the top bid is, though I’ll personally give the winner $250 in cash and a $2 off coupon from Quizno’s if he or she bitch slaps Lars Ulrich with the glove.
A resolution introduced by the Tennessee State Senate that was to honor Tennessee native JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE “for his highly successful career and for his meritorious service to the State of Tennessee” was struck down by several Republican senators last week. Sen. Raymond Finney was one of the many conservatives who opposed the resolution, taking issue with racy elements such as Timberlake’s album title, FutureSex/LoveSounds, song titles like “Rock Your Body” and “SexyBack”, and the Super Bowl Boob Incident back in 2004. “It’s not something I want my name on,” Finney said. Also slated to be discussed last week in the Tennessee Legislature were guns and beastiality. I did not make that up. I swear. Not sure if the two were connected in any way…
SLY & THE FAMILY STONE singer/keyboardist Rose Stone recently told Billboard magazine that former frontman SLY STONE, who left the band over 30 years ago, is on the verge of rejoining the band. “I think that’s more of a probability than a possibility,” she said, “though I think we’re all hoping to see the mohawk again.”
Former JEFFERSON AIRPLANE/JEFFERSON STARSHIP/STARSHIP singer GRACE SLICK and former band manager Bill Thompson are suing former bandmate Paul Kantner for making profit off of the Jefferson Starship name without their consent. According to Thompson, the parties signed a legal settlement in 1985, in which Kantner agreed not to use the words “Jefferson” or “Airplane” when performing, without the consent of Slick, who is the major shareholder of Jefferson Starship Inc. Thompson said that while Kantner had been touring small events and venues under the name of “Jefferson Starship”, he and Slick didn’t mind much, as him “playing small fairs didn’t irritate us so much.” However, Kantner apparently crossed the line earlier this year when he solely granted permission to Microsoft to use the name “Starship” for a new ad campaign. The suit is demanding that the $750,000 that Kantner made from the deal be taken from him and given to Slick and Jefferson Starship Inc., and that he immediately stops performing under the name Jefferson Starship. Boy, that thing sure was boring to type, so I can only imagine how boring it was to read. Sorry about that. To show that I’m good guy, here’s a NOT WORK SAFE picture of Charlotte Church’s boobs, which may or may not be real, but somehow that doesn’t really seem to matter.
After having been arrested last year in San Francisco for drug possession, Victor Willis, who played “The Cop” and “The Naval Officer” in the VILLAGE PEOPLE, was taken into custody by San Diego police on Friday, after allegedly choking and threatening his girlfriend. Willis had been out on bail after a similar incident took place last month. While I could make the obviously joke about any member of the Village People having a girlfriend, I’m going to take the high road and say that beating women is just a deplorable as the Village People’s 1981 New Wave album, Renaissance.
That shitstarter LIL JON was added to The Guinness Book of World Records last week, but not for shittiest rapper ever. Instead, he snagged the record for the world’s largest diamond pendant, which says “Crunk Ain’t Dead”, is 7.5 in x 6 in, one inch thick, weighs 12 pounds, has 73 karats of diamonds and is worth $500,000. I will personally give someone $250 in cash and a $2 off coupon from Quizno’s if he or she beats Lil Jon over the head with said pendant.
’70s pop group BAY CITY ROLLERS have filed a lawsuit against their former label, Arista Records, claiming that they’d only received $254,000 in royalty payments over the past 25 years. The suit, filed last Tuesday in a U.S. District Court in New York, does not specify how much the band is owed, citing incomplete royalty statements, although, according to their attorney, “we know it’s in the millions.” Arista execs have allegedly promised over the years to pay out royalties, but had told band management that they didn’t know who exactly to pay, though the lawsuit claims that that was just a “pretext intended to deprive (the band) of the royalties to which they are entitled.” … In other ’70s pop music-related news, DONNY OSMOND recently told reporters that he, his four brothers and sister Marie may start touring together again. You have been warned.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
