With the biggest wrestling event of the year coming up this Sunday, I thought now would be the perfect time to write a travel guide to Detroit for all of our fans making the pilgrimage to Michigan’s capitol city. I was born and raised right off of 8 Mile Rd, just a scant 10 hour drive away according to mapquest. Detroit Rock City runs through my blood, and I am a 100% Troiter as we call ourselves. If anyone can let you in on the ins and outs of Steel Town, it would be me.
First of all, as a wrestling fan you should probably go to Wrestlemania as long as you’re in Detroit and have tickets. It’s probably the reason you’re there. Also remember that Honor the Ring or HtR will be putting on a couple of shows that weekend. Featuring stars like Bryan Dragon and The CM Joe, HtR could give you a better show than the WWE.
Man can not survive on wrestling alone, and that’s why I recommend visiting one of Detroit’s fine dining establishments. Try to make reservations quickly as the these are the few eateries with roofs and barely functioning bathrooms so they fill up pretty quickly. The most popular of Detroit restaurants is Tony Roma’s, located on 8th Street and 94th Avenue. As you will clearly see when you arrive it has been marked as a ‘Crip Joint’ so don’t wear blue. The Bloods operated Taco Bell/Pizza Hut is located just 10 blocks away and you get a pet roach with every purchase. While you may not have any other option, try to stay away from outdoor food vendors. Due to 1976 strike they no longer have contracts with meat vendors and actually grind their own. Some have suggested the meat is rat, but I’ve eaten rat before and believe me when I tell you that what you’re eating is some kind of lower life form, or human.
No matter where you eat, you’re going to be sick to your stomach when you’re finished. Have some fun and defecate in one of Detroit’s thousands of vacated homes. It’s not going to flush so don’t try, and watch out for squatters. I have no idea why the mayor decided it would be a sign of good will to give all homeless a ginsu knife, but those smelly f*cks are armed.
In terms of sightseeing, make sure to check out Detroit’s world famous K-Mart. If you’re looking for some culture you can visit the Museum of Modern Bullet Shells and the adjacent Museum of Bullet Holes, formerly Detroit’s 14th Police Precinct. Try to pick up a Detroit map to the stars! See Kid Rock’s mansion, the trailer Eminem was raised in and his current mansion built on top of it out of other trailers, the trailer Rhino lives in, pretty much everywhere 8 Mile was filmed and get a detailed set of instructions informing you how to bypass Gene Simmons security so you can get right into his bedroom and see his ridiculous collection of gay pornography. Some say the gay porn was planted, even more say it was planted by me, but I counter by explaining I’ve never even been to Detroit.
For some fun, do a photo hunt!
1. Terrorist sneaking in a nuclear weapon across the border.
2. Bum peeing on other bum or dog.
3. 8 different bums asking you for money in the space of an hour.
4. Native white Troitian hocking his terrible rap cd on the bus to tourists who can barely submerge a mocking smile.
5. You on stage at the battle rap hall where Eminem first found success. Triple points if you call yourself the Almighty Voo-Jew.
6. WWE wrestlers leaving Detroit after Wrestlemania. (NOTE: You must be by the talent’s entrance 30 seconds after the last match.)
You can add your own as well. Think roaches, dog and human poop and dead things.
Finally, try the best you can to visit Canada while you’re there. Our friendly neighbor to the North is loaded with high class strip joints, government run casinos and friendly minorities. Plus, tons of no duty shop goodness. In every way that Detroit is the second worst city in the United States just slightly better than Savannah, Canada is the second best country in North America just slightly better than Mexico.
Now you’re ready for an exciting trip to Detroit! Oh, don’t touch the hookers without a hefty supply of plastic wrap. Now you’re ready for an exciting trip to Detroit! Follow my instructions and have a great time, and as with every vacation to Detroit, only bring enough money as you can afford to have stolen from you.