WRESTLEMANIA PREVIEW: The Hair vs. Hair Match

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Wrestlemania is upon us in a few short days, and this is shaping up to be the biggest Wrestlemania ever. Or is it the gayest Wrestlemania ever? Let me look over the talking points Widro gave me to attract readership… ah! It is the biggest Wrestlemania ever. A billionaire will be shaved bald, be it Vince McMahon or Donald Trump. InsidePulse is proud to present to you an insider’s look into the match, including a startling prediction as to who will win and who will lose! In fact, why don’t we start with that prediction just to get it out of the way? I mean, we’re smarts. We read the spoilers, right? Well, SPOILER ALERT BITCHES!
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Are you a moron? Lashley is going to win. Donald Trump is not going to shave his head on a wrestling program.

I mean, really? This was a question for you? Are you a child?

Anyway, let’s look at the match. OH MY GOD! Seriously, I can’t let this go. It’s a celebrity whose entire image is his hair. He has a show on NBC. He has millions of dollars. You really think he would shave his head because his fake Samoan warrior lost to some steroid filled fake jerk in Detroit? Did you eat paint chips as a child?

The entire build up to this match hasn’t been to build suspense, it has been to make Lashley into a star credible enough to beat Umaga. During this push Lashley has been exposed as a poor worker, he has been exposed as a poor talker, and that liver enzyme problem after the drug tests didn’t exactly help instill confidence in the fans that he body is US Army made. He is probably a nice guy and could kill me if he caught me in his freakish arms for three seconds, but he’s also not cut out for this profession.

That being said Umaga is going to work his ass off (lot of work) to make this a pretty good brawl. He’ll be on offense most of the time and his offense is innovative, stiff looking and fun. As Jim Ross would say, “Umaga is a classic example of a stereotypical savage foreigner done to perfection, right in all of the ways that Kamala was wrong. He has shown that with hard work and dedication to character you can turn any gimmick into one which makes money, and for that I applaud the for former 3 Minute Warning member. Buy my sauce.”

I’m pretty sure the majority of fans feel as I do, which is probably why Vince has been practically begging the fans to boo him at Wrestlemania. They won’t, and that’s going to be hilarious. He screwed up the Donald vs. Rosie match, he screwed up by letting E! reveal who would be the special guest ref before they announced it, and now he’s going to get Donald Trump booed by a football arena filled with nerds. I do not think Vince will be getting a Christmas card this year from the Donald. Or maybe he will. Both have made comments implying they’d f*ck their daughters, and that has to create some kind of unbreakable bond.

Anyway, with a little help from the good folks at the event this match will continue the curse of the Stone Cold ref at Wrestlemania. Will it be in the so bad it’s good category of Brock vs. Goldberg? I doubt it. I’m sure the fans will pop when Vince gets his head shaved by Trump, Eugene and Stone Cold. Ha! Just kidding. Eugene isn’t even going to be in Detroit this weekend.

In conclusion, Umaga won’t let the match go to hell, but the fans are going to cheer him and that’s going to piss off Vince and Donald. Lashley will be considered a bit of a failure and will feud with Snitsky and the new breed for the next few month before dropping the title to, I don’t know, maybe they’ll move over Edge to help the brand for a bit. Stone Cold’s movie won’t bomb now that we know where expectations should be for WWE films.

Next week: A preview of the Cena vs. Michaels match! Oh. Wait a second….