JunkNewsFlash! Abyss’ Mother Arrested For Murder

Inside Pulse has learned that Abyss’ mother was arrested on the charge of murder in the second degree at 9:15 PM EST, March 29th. Police discovered that it was she and not Abyss who killed her husband, his father.

“Oh no,” James Mitchell said when informed of the arrest. “I was using this information to blackmail Abyss into working with me instead of Sting. Now he’s free to wrestle for the forces of the good! I was the only one who knew… well, I might have mentioned it over an early dinner recently with Sting, but he wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Police say they received about a thousand phone calls around 9:00 from people who saw the opening minutes of TNA Impact when Alex Shelley’s ‘Eye Spy: Paparazzi Broadcasting’ premiered its latest video. It showed James Mitchell and Sting having an early dinner. During the meal James Mitchell spelled out every last detail of the crime, including how Abyss wiped his mother’s fingerprints off the gun and Mitchell’s plan to continue to blackmail Abyss with this information.

When asked for comment Sting said, “Yeah, that was a weird meal. I invited him out, thought maybe we could connect over a couple a brewskis and some sushi, talk a little about our NCAA brackets, maybe put the whole battle for Abyss’ soul behind us. I mean, how long have I been fighting with these guys? It’s not like the matches are getting any better. You see that thing with the candelabras and the lights going all blue when the coffin came down? Retarded. Anyway, I sat down and asked him how he was doing, how’s the family, and he launches into full on evil wrestling manager mode and tells me the whole story. Dude, leave work at work, okay?”

Inside Pulse asked Sting what Alex Shelley was doing at the dinner. Sting replied, “Sitting on the floor and pointing his camera at us. He was hiding behind a small potted plant two feet from the table. He used to be sneaky. Now he’s just lazy. Did you see those angles he was getting? He was barely trying to hide. I like his skits with Nash so I didn’t say anything.”

“OH MY GOD! ALEX SHELLEY WAS THERE?”, asked a horrified James Mitchell when we asked him the same question. “Oh man! I thought it was just me, Sting and the guy hiding behind the potted plant. Wait, was that Shelley? Damn it! I never should have told him when and where I was having an early dinner with Sting, but I wanted to feel like a big man in front of the boys. It’s hard for a manager to fit in with the workers sometimes. Well, on the bright side I still can blackmail Abyss with the fact that I alone know he accidentally had sex with his twin sister. They were separated at birth and met one night on a Jewish singles’ booze cruise… are you writing this down? Please don’t publish this.”

Abyss’ mother tried to explain to the police that she was an Orlando based actress portraying a character on a tv show, but a full can of mace shut her up. She was stripped naked, a full cavity search was performed and then she was read her rights.

Inside Pulse will have more on this story as it develops.

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