Hey gang! Everybody all set for Wrestlemania? Not yet? Great! After reading these fun facts about the big event, you should be all ready for 4 hours of Condemned movie trailers and MVP vs. Chris Benoit!
1. Donald Trump is only doing the show because the infamous Trump vs. Rosie RAW match was caused by his reality show The Apprentice. Vince McMahon let each of the remaining three contestants pitch a major angle on RAW following the Royal Rumble, with the winner getting to produce their segment. The second angle involved Eugene winning the world title in a debate and the third was letting Chris Benoit and Jeff Hardy have a 30 minute match to unite the US and Intercontinental title. Vince chose the Trump vs. Rosie idea. Trump was so embarrassed by the result that he offered to appear at Wrestlemania. Also, because of this angle no one wins The Apprentice this year.
2. Hulk Hogan will not be at Wrestlemania this year. It is not because of the HOF phone conversation broadcast over the Bubba Love Sponge show, but rather because Hogan does not want to distract from the performances of the up and comers. “I’ve had my time in sun, and now it’s CM Punk’s turn to shine,” said Hogan.
3. This will be John Cena’s third Wrestlemania match and fifth Wrestlemania appearance. Many forget that he drove the pink Cadillac carrying The Honkey Tonk Man and Greg Valentine at Wrestlemania XI.
4. Doctors will be conducting drug tests on all of the wrestlers hours before the event as a special surprise for the talent.
5. Vince McMahon and Donald Trump are planning the ultimate swerve where they both come out with rabbits and the winner leaves with both and nobody gets their head shaved.
6. Johnny Nitro was the most improved wrestler of the year and his feud with the Hardys gave us some of the best matches in the past few months. He is not only not upset about not being involved in Wrestlemania, he is so glad to be working with the company and would like to know if that bag is too heavy for Johnny Ace? It’s fine, he’s happy to carry Johnny Ace’s bag. He would like to know if Johnny Ace would like some coffee? Sorry, Mr. Ace. Would Mr. Ace like some coffee? How does Mr. Ace take that? One lump or two? Nitro will be right back with your coffee Mr. Ace.
7. Ashley is weird looking. Those mouth rings make her look ghoulish and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a worse boob job. Still, she comes from Long Island so go Ashley, you disgusting looking giggly screw up.
8. This is supposed to be top secret, but Wrestlemania will mark the return of the big fat naked guy.
9. There are ongoing debates about whether or not Kane vs. The Great Khali should end with Kane actually murdering The Great Khali with his hook.
10. Shawn Michaels has become an insufferable prick since he found Jesus.
11. Bobby Lashley is an unstoppable force and we should all cheer for him and buy his merchandise.
12. Get ready for more grand daddies! In order to boost their sagging PPV buys, WWE is going to put on 4 Wrestlemanias a year.
13. The Money in the Bank briefcase does not include anything nice as it was packed by Randy Orton.
14. This will be Balls Mahoney’s first Wrestlemania. Wait, sorry, no it won’t.
15. All the stuff that happens at Wrestlemania press conferences is a shoot. Everything else is fake, but the slaps at the press conference are real.
16. Mickie James won the women’s title last year at Wrestlemania. She had a really cool character and she and Trish had a great match. Now she’s a bland lumberjill for some contest winner and a bitch who bad mouthed her on a blog.
17. Triple H was originally supposed to win Money in the Bank, the Raw title and then cash in his Money in the Bank contract to win the Smackdown title before his injury.
18. Ivanka Trump is so pleased to meet all of the wrestlers. You can tell by her polite handshake and the way she looks away after about five seconds of eye contact.
19. The little wrestling rings they used to cart wrestlers to the ring during Wrestlemania 3 have been brought back, but this time someone is going to use one as a weapon.
20. You are in section 400, 20th row, and you need binoculars to see the ring. I don’t give a crap how hot you think Jeff Hardy is, put down the God damned sign. No one can see it, no one but me that is, and I can’t see anything except for it.
21. This is going to be just like Wrestlemania 3. The only things missing will be the iconic moment (Hogan slamming Andre), a possible best match of all time (Macho Man vs. Steamboat), and a black on black match (Butch Reed vs. Koko B. Ware). Other than that, exactly the same.
22. 40% of the participants in the hair vs. hair match are bald.
23. If you are not sick of that Saliva song by the time the show is over, you do not have ears.
That’s it! Enjoy the show!