TNR: Total Nonstop Recaps – March 29, 2007

Ahh, back for another week of TNA for my loyal readers (all three of you). l apoligize for this being late, but I had to go out of town due to a family emergency and was unable to post. But, I’m back now and ready to sit through another week of TNA and their supposed “wrestling” show.

“TNA…We are wrestling.” Yeah, okay. There about as much wrestling as I am African.

We start this week with a recap of the of what took place last week, highlighting the Sting/Abyss angle and Team Angle/Team Christian. I think it should be Team Joe, but whatever. My patience is starting to run very thin with TNA.

Sting Borden and James Mitchell are at some restaraunt eating lunch together. What the f*ck!? I don’t know about everyone else, but if someone split my head open like a melon and beat me up, I don’t think I would be too inclined to eat a meal with him. They talk about Abyss and fight over who he likes more. This is like and argument with one of my friends about a girl who we both want to date. Stupid segment and a waste of time.

Opening video with generic rock music.

We get right to the action for once.

Match 1: Six Sides of Steel Xscape Match
Jerry Lynn vs. Petey Williams vs. Alex Shelley vs. Shark Boy vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Austin Starr

This is a “preview” of the Xscape match that will happen at Lockdown. It should be noted that Bob Backlund is working out next to the announce table. I’m starting to wonder if he has eaten marijuana before.

There is a lot going on in this match, so forgive me if I miss something important. Starr it’s cage from Lynn while Dutt hits a rana and a headscissors on Shelley, followed by a springboard moonsault for 2. Shelley hits a suplex on but hits double teamed by Shark Boy and Petey Williams.

Lynn goes ape shit and hits hip tosses on everyone, followed by a clothesline. Shelley dropkicks Lynn and then works over Shark Boy. Sharky hits the DSD to eliminate Shelley.

We get some more X-Division stuff until Lynn eliminates Dutt with a Cradle Piledriver. Starr works over Lynn in the corner, followed by turning his attention to Shark Boy. Sharky tries the DSD on Starr, but Starr counters and hits the Brainbuster to eliminate him.

Lynn and Williams double up on Starr and throw him into the cage. Petey gets rid of Starr with the Canadian Destroyer, leaving us with Lynn and Williams.

The Xscape rules are in effect now, and they both try to escape the cage. They fight on the top and begin to climb down, but Lynn drops down to win the match.

WINNER: JERRY LYNN

After the match, Christopher Daniels attacks Lynn with a bat.

Latisha is in the back with the returning Tomko. Before Tomko can say a word, Christian interrupts. Christian gets a phone call and says that he has to take it, so Tomko gets pissed and leaves.

Team Cage comes down to the ring to introduce the final two members of his team. Steiner gets in Christian’s face about his title shot. Christian introduces Abyss as the next member, who comes to the ring with James Mitchell. Christian introduces Tomko as the final member of his team, but it takes him a long ass time to come out to the ring.

Tomko comes out eventually and complains about not getting his title shot. He calls Abyss a puppet. I hope Abyss beats the living piss out of him.

Christian gets pissed off and bitches at Tomko. Eventually, Kurt Angle and his team come out and Angle offers Tomko a slot on Team Angle. Jim Cornette comes out and complains about how there isn’t enough wrestling on the show (I f*cking agree) and makes a match between one of the members of Team Angle and one of Team Cage, in which the winner gets Tomko on their team (whoopee). Tomko seems to like that.

(Commercials)

Lockdown promo.

We get a highlight video chronicalling the history between Team 3D and LAX. They also hypes the Electrified Cage match at Lockdown.

Mike and Don talk while Bob Backlund works out.

JB is in the back with Team Angle. Kurt says that he has to be the one to do battle for his team because he doesn’t want to let his teammates down, which Joe doesn’t like. He then brings up a fourth member of the team. His teammates look confused.

(Commercials)

Match 2: Eric Young vs. James Storm w/Jackie Moore

Young does his whole “I’m scared of everything” bit on the way down the ramp. Storm misses some punches to start and EY hits a hip toss and a dropkick.

Jackie Moore grabs his leg and Storm takes control. Storm hits some good stuff on EY for some near falls as the crowd is into this match.

EY fights back and hits a belly to belly for a 2-count. EY blocks a superkick and climbs to the top, but Jackie pushes him off and Storm catches him with a Superkick for the win.

WINNER: JAMES STORM

After the match, Harris and Gail Kim attack the two for the 30th week in a row.

Robert Roode and Ms. Brookes come out and belittle Young and Roode slaps him. Young teases to hit him, but Roode reminds him of the stips. of his contract. Petey Williams gets rid of Roode.

Team Cage is in the back for yet another promo. Christian wants somebody to take on Kurt Angle. A.J. Styles says a funny bit about how his hood sells tickets when James Mitchell volunteers Abyss to face Angle. Christian likes that idea.

(Commercials)

Lockdown promo.

Christy is doing a split screen prom with VKM and Lance Hoyt. This is such a retarded angle and nobody could give a dead mooses last shit about.

Lethal Lockdown promo.

Main Event: Kurt Angle vs. Abyss
Kurt works the leg to start and hits a chop block. Kurt takes a clothesline from The Monster, but catches Abyss in the ankle lock. Abyss makes it to the ropes as Christian comes down to the ring as we go to a…

(Commercial)

Abyss hits a nice vertical suplex for 2. Abyss aplies the dreaded neck vice, but Angle escapes and they brawl. Angle eventually applies the Ankle Lock. Abyss tries to fight it and kicks Kurt into the referee. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam but there is no referee to count. Angle eventually roles up the monster for the 3.

WINNER: KURT ANGLE

After the match, Tomko attacks Angle and joins Team Cage to end the show.

Adrenaline rush…adrenaline rush now.

The Inside Pulse
— Match Results:
Jerry Lynn won the Xscape Match
James Storm defeated Eric Young
Kurt Angle defeated Abyss

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