So, why exactly is this a nice little combo for Wrestlemania Week? Three reasons, mainly:
1) It is, after all, Wrestlemania Week.
2) I love the opportunity to do a Fatal Four-Way Short Form. They’re very rare. Then I decided to pass on that opportunity. I can’t even figure me out.
3) I had a raging case of stomach flu that lasted from Tuesday night to Friday afternoon. It’s pretty hard to pay attention to the show you’re watching when you’re scurrying to the toilet constantly.
There’s a fourth reason, but I’ll cover that Tuesday.
Hence, we’ll just combine everything into one so that when you’re looking for last-minute stuff before WM, you can relive the week that was. Let’s see if there was anything that took my interest to a new level, namely any interest at all…
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Rob Van Dam over Elijah Burke (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): I’m glad to see that Murray understood where I was coming from with my praise of Burke the last month or so. The pacing of his matches was what I was focusing on. Burke has demonstrated the ability to adapt his style to his opponent, especially when his opponent has as well-established and unorthodox a style as Van Dam. This match moved wonderfully, with no real dead spots (including during the rest holds). Burke brought his game even knowing that he was going to job. The kid has a good attitude, his in-ring skills are coming along nicely, and his promo ability is already there. If they’re setting up a feud between him and Punk, that alone will be a reason to watch this show.
Take me to the bridge!
Gene Snitsky over Balls Mahoney (Pinfall, big boot): You know, making comments about Snitsky’s supposed lack of hygiene while not commenting on Balls’ similar prediliction strikes me as being a tad unfair.
Yes, Balls is dumb enough to think this will work
Booker T, Dave Fuckin’ Finlay, Randy Orton, and FudgePacker over Edge, Mattsy-Poo, Jeffykins, and CM Fuckin’ Punk, Money In The Bank Pimp Match (Pinfall, Booker pins Punk, scissors kick): Didn’t turn me on, for some reason. Maybe it’s because I still have that little bit of cognitive dissonance that doesn’t match the term “ECW” to something like this. Obviously, I need to be indoctrinated into the proper groupthink that WWE wants us to manifest.
Now I know what Churchill meant when he said he’d make a pact with the devil to defeat Hitler
This Week’s Tits:
I’ll be ignoring the whole Vince/Lashley thing, thank you.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Jerry Lynn over, in order of elimination, Alex Shelley, Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, Austin Aries, and Petey Williams, X Division Cage Elimination Match (Shark Boy pins Shelley, Dead Sea Drop; Lynn pins Dutt, cradle piledriver; Aries pins Shark Boy, brainbuster suplex; Williams pins Aries, Canadian Destroyer; Lynn escapes cage): Yes, it was spot-heavy. Yes, it was a bizarre form of the PPV Pimp Match. But it was nice nonetheless and fun to watch. It shows what they’re capable of when they’re willing to try a bit. So, I’ll give them big extra credit points for putting it on in the first place. And, of course, the right guy went over, which always helps.
Oh, one more thing: West, will you shut the f*ck up about the “The Austin Starr” bullshit? You’re only encouraging the retards like Woj-Suck.
Shark Boy’s first offense of 2007
James Storm over Eric Young (Pinfall, kick to face): “Meh” just fits everything about this, from the match to the two angles it was supporting. I don’t know anything else to say.
That’s no way to treat someone named Eric
Kurt Angle over Abyss (Pinfall, victory roll): So, let me get this straight. This is Angle versus Abyss, a world-title-level match. And they’re fighting for the services of Tyson Tomko? You know, I’ve popped so much medication the last few days, what with my normal meds combined with anything and everything to calm down my stomach and stop the diarrhea, that my head’s not too clear. Are you seriously saying that they were fighting for the services of Tomko? It’s not the drugs talking? Oh, boy, and sometimes I wonder why I still do this shit. Guess I’ve built up an immunity after seven years of this stuff.
Of course, the apres did save us from a Tomko face turn. I don’t think I could have taken that along with the rest of this stuff.
Stairway To Heaven: The weird thing about the Harvard Step Test that Backlund was doing was that my physical therapist uses that as one of my exercises to build up strength in my bum ankle (which is, of course, on the other leg from my bum knee, which goes under the knife in less than two weeks). However, my therapist is a lot cuter than Backlund, although less erudite.
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
The Great Ha-Ha Khali versus Mattsy-Poo (ND, required Kane promo): Yeah, that’s the way to start off the last show before Wrestlemania, huh? Good work, guys. You’re just making my job that much easier, you know.
See the Churchill remark above
Dave Fuckin’ Finlay over FudgePacker (Pinfall, Celtic Cross): Some of the Retard Brigade have been writing to me (or making an attempt at something resembling writing) and telling me that they object to me calling a certain person FudgePacker, probably because they’re stupid enough to be fans of him and sexually insecure enough in their own lives that they believe that I’m making an accusation about their sexuality. Well, don’t let it be said that I don’t listen to my readers (despite the fact that I don’t). For this show, in honor of Wrestlemania, I’ll refer to him by another name: Mister Shut The Fuck Up, You Useless Piece Of Wisconsin Shit.
Good, old-fashioned wrestling requires more than just one good, old-fashioned wrestler
Montel Vontavious Porter over Viko Batomango (Pinfall, Playmaker): Oh, my God, is that D-Ray? Please, please, don’t let it be D-Ray. I like D-Ray. He doesn’t deserve this. Well, if it is, maybe he can take some comfort in knowing that his buddy Shark Boy actually got to use his finisher for perhaps the first time in his TNA tenure.
No, this isn’t offensive at all
Jeffykins over Randy Orton (Pinfall, rollup): So what were they fighting over? Loser has to top? God, what a complete waste of my precious time. I ended up taking a power nap and brushing my teeth. Anything to avoid having to watch this. Damn, first Finlay is wasted, now this. There are some shows that I just know that WWE is taking a personal stand against me, and this one’s turning out to be one of them.
Yeah, Jeffykins, we believe you. You didn’t cop a feel. Sure…
MickieLexis LaJames, Ashley Massaro, Trampy Wilson, Candice Michelle, and Maria Kanelis over Melina Perez, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, and Missus Hevia, Twenty-Tit Tag Team Tease (Pinfall, Massaro pins Hall, rollup): Too short to be of any consequence. In fact, if any of you deves reached orgasm during this match, see a urologist, because you may have a problem. But, hey, Michelle McCool’s back, and that’s aces by me.
Just like we were taught in the Army: aim for the biggest target, center of mass
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Booker T (Pinfall, rollup): Nice match, one has to admit. Obviously, a Punk/Burke feud is in the offing, but I wouldn’t mind Punk being moved to Smackdown. The potential feuds with Booker and Finlay alone, especially the latter considering what Dave did to him backstage, would make the proposition worth it. Hey, of course I’m going to pimp Punk, but even I’m not silly enough to pick him in MITB.
“Dear God, if you’re listening, please give Arn Anderson and Dave Finlay a case of Cancer of the Booking…”
Nothing except for the main event interview, where the interviewer was so rudely interrupted by the dark side of his home state. Get that f*cker off my screen, now. No, wait, let’s go further than that. Get this f*cker off my planet, and he can take all of his imbecilic, retarded fans with him. You know who you are. Unfortunately, we have to deal with him once more in this column…
Or do I?
I was going to do the Hall of Fame broadcast, but when it started off with Wife-Beater, my desire to see it sorta plummeted. So, I delayed for nothing. I’ll just close this off. All of you try to enjoy Wrestlemania. I probably won’t, and that should make a nice column for Tuesday.
Tags: ECW, Raw, Smackdown, TNA