MGF Presents The SMonday Swindle Sheet #151

Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.

Small column this week, due to a combination of very few music news stories and me not having time to write anything until Monday night. It looks like I still have about an hour until Monday’s over, so let’s go…

BLURBS OF THE WEEK

After going batshit and trashing two rooms at the Gracelia Hotel in Burbank, Calif., and burning $10,000 of her husband’s clothes, SCOTT WEILAND‘s wife Mary blamed “an imbalance in medications used to treat my bipolar disorder.” Eyebrows were initially raised after the couple left two separate rooms at the luxurious hotel severely damaged two weekends ago. Then, the same eyebrows were raised even higher after Mary was arrested for felony arson vandalism after police found her outside of the couple’s nearby Toluca Lake home, after she had thrown several of her husband’s clothes in a flaming trash can. “For lack of a better expression, I was unstable and just lost it,” she told reporters. Uh-huh.

Anthony Lovato, the lead singer of disbanded pop-punk band MEST, was cleared of any charges stemming from an incident in Los Angeles a couple of weekends ago, after prosecutors could not conclude that he fatally stabbed a man for any reason other than self-defense. According to Los Angeles police, Lovato and an unidentified man had been arguing in a parking garage, and after an ensuing scuffle, Lovato had called police, who found the other man lying on ground with stab wounds. He rushed to a local hospital, where he died shortly thereafter. “There was insufficient evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the killing was not a justified use of force in self-defense,” a spokesperson for the district attorney told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “In other words, Mr. Lovato is a really good briber, unlike that Snoop Dogg guy.”

After his associate TONY YAYO was accused of beating up a 14-year-old a few weeks back, 50 CENT made it clear last week that he was not present, or even in the state, at the time of the incident, which happened outside of G-UNIT‘s Manhattan headquarters. Moreover, he added that he would be heading a separate investigation into the incident in an effort to clear himself and Yayo. “Week after week passes and we keep hearing that 50 is going to ‘authorize’ an investigation into Tony Yayo’s assault on my little boy,” the mother of the boy told a reporter for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, in response to 50’s statement. “Why not just give Yayo a polygraph test? Or talk to the two witnesses that identified Yayo at the scene? While 50 is at it, perhaps he can find the real killers of Nicole Simpson, Laci Peterson and JFK. Instead, all 50 has done is sic a bunch of little lawyers with big mouths on me and my lawyer. I’m not impressed with his efforts thus far. And in response to your question, I guess he looks like a prairie dog.”

Paul Simonon, the former bassist for THE ONLY BAND THAT MATTERS, marked the closing of legendary London music venue, Hammersmith Palais, last Saturday by taking out an axe and hacking off a piece of the stage for himself. “Before I go I think I’ve done enough to deserve a piece of the stage,” he said to a sold-out crowd. While The Only Band That Matters had previously played there several times, and even wrote a song about it, Simonon was at the venue playing with Damon Albarn’s unnamed band that recently released the album, The Good, the Bad and the Queen. The name of the band is not The Good, the Bad and the Queen. Look smarter in front of your friends the next time the band comes up in conversation by dropping that bit of knowledge. It will make you smarter, and beautiful women will want to sleep with you.

U2 singer Bono was named an honorary knight on Thursday, in Dublin, by Britain’s ambassador to Ireland, David Reddaway. While the singer, who was honored for his humanitarian work as well as his contribution to music, was named Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, he cannot use the title “Sir”, because he is a citizen of Ireland, not the United Kingdom.

News Headline: “Three are shot following [Nickelodeon] Kids’ Choice Awards
Add the Nickelodeon’ Kids Choice Awards to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.

After having unsuccessfully sought a gag order on his estranged wife, Kim Mathers, after she said on a radio show that he sucked in the sack and had a small cock, rapper EMINEM has signed a seemingly unrelated non-aggression pact with her. In the agreement, each party promises to not talk shit about the other in the presence of their 11-year-old daughter, Hailie Jade Mathers. The judge who brokered the deal refused to place a gag order on Kim, which means that she can continue to tell people that Eminem has a small cock… just not their daughter.

Big winners at Canada’s Juno Awards this past weekend included NELLY FURTADO, who won best single for “Promiscuous” and best album for Loose, and BILLY TALENT, who won for best group and best rock album. DIXIE CHICKS won best international album of the year, and SWOLLEN MEMBERS won for best rap recording of the year.

An overzealous fan was arrested near PAUL MCCARTNEY‘s home in Peasmarsh, England, on Friday, after crashing his car through the entrance gates, and running towards the singer’s mansion, shouting, “I must get to him!” The man was stopped by security at the mansion, and then proceeded to run off to a nearby village, where he surrendered to police. For lack of a better expression, he was probably just unstable and lost it.

Cheers
-JF2k7!

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