BLATT vs. ECW on SciFi live coverage for April 3rd, 2007

Let’s talk Wrestlemania for a second. Could the eight man tag have been any more worthless? Probably not. Tonight they’re going to have the match that they should have had, an eight man extreme rules tag match. The only thing they’re still not doing right is the match should be an elimination match, but I guess I can’t have everything.

Happy Passover.

We’re right into the music tonight with no intro video recapping, oh you know, the biggest pay per view event of the damn year. That’s questionable at best.

Speaking of killing no time, we start the show with Lashley’s music and entrance and we’re wrist deep in ECW. Lashley basks in the lack of crowd cheering for him. Even pyro can’t get this crowd to cheer the guy like he’s a real world champion. Lashley’s all smiles and my smile disappears because he’s going to talk.

For some reason the crowd is chanting “Bobby” and “Lashley”. I suppose that they have mental problems in that town. Lashley draws some cheap heat by listing everyone involved in the match. He claims that EVERYONE was talking about the Battle of the Billionaires. I’m pretty sure that I was talking about the John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels match, not the sports entertainment match that happened.

Lashley’s actually stringing complete sentences together, which is surprising. He intros the video that should have aired at the top of the program. Nice move putting it in the middle of the segment, this way it looks like Lashley’s somewhat entertaining. Wow. I must be missing something. The entire arena is chanting for “Bobby”.

More talky about how he’s gonna have to defend the title all the time against everyone Vince can throw at him. You know what the problem with Lashley is? He’s incapable of sounding mad. He’s not intense enough in these interviews and they fall short to me. He doesn’t do that quiet yell that guys like Edge and Foley have perfected. After a few more moments of auto-fellatio we finally go to commercials.

You know what? The WWE is single handedly bringing the Super Action genre back into theaters. The Marine? The Condemned? They’re close to having their own section at Blockbuster.

CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Go To Sleep
Alright, you know how this one goes. HUGE “CM Punk” chant to start and CM Punk takes control, but feels the effects of the Money in the Bank match with some taped up ribs. Richards targets the ribs, but Punk pulls him through a headlock take over. Richards spikes his head on the canvas. A kick to the hammies and a jumping leg lariat and me thinks that this match isn’t going to be all that long.

Punk takes a breather and Stevie gets some offense in on the ribs. Mostly kicks and a suplex. Nice use of an abdominal stretch and this crowd LOVES CM Punk. Punk gets out with some direct elbows to the thigh. Punk tries to get out but gets monkey flipped instead. Punk gets three knees in the corner on Stevie and can only get a two. TWO!

Punk goes for a suplex but cant get it through while selling the ribs. Stevie can’t get a suplex either and CM Punk gets his strikes in followed by the Go To Sleep. I think Tazz just called that move by the correct name for the first time, but calls it “GTS” for short.

Rob Van Dam and Timbaland are talking backstage. RVD asks if he “needs anything” in ECW he knows who to call. Insert weed reference here. RVD leaves and the Nitro Girls try to impress Timbaland. Who gives a shit?

Not me.

CM Punk is backstage and Striker and Cor Von try to get Punk to join the New Breed. Cor Von says you’re with the New Breed or you’re against it. Sounds oddly like when the nWo was recruiting anyone they could find.

Nitro Girls time. As usual, Kelly Kelly is behind by at least one full beat. How often does she have to be on TV? Once a week? And she can’t get a dance correct? At least she dances better than she acts.

Tazz and Joey talk up Wrestlemania and we we’re shown the recap video. I don’t know about the Hogan/Batista comparison, but I like the Steamboat/Benoit comparison. You’d think that they earned after last year that a stupid out o character entrance just doesn’t friggin work for Wrestlemania.

OH MY DOG! HARDCORE HOLLY VS. SNITSKY IS NEXT! It’s a guaranteed five star classic. Five f*cking stars.

SNITSKY happens to Hardcore Holly
You think this match happened because Holly was complaining that Snitsky doesn’t deserve his spot? Holly ducks a boot and…

no.

I’m not recapping this match. It’s too long for me to care about.

After the match, SNITSKY throws Holly out and goes for a chair. BASH HIS BRAINS IN SNITSKY! I could learn to like this guy. I think this is supposed to make Snitsky a heel, but the crowd is laughing at him. He puts Hardcore Holly’s arm between the stairs and smacks it with the chair. Ladies and gentlemen! Hardcore Holly might be out for a while!

AWESOME.

SNITSKY might be wrestling a little better, but as I was telling Matt Reed that SNITSKY could spit into a cup for an hour and be more entertaining than Holly.

Alright, we’re onto the main event. The New Breed comes out first and Ariel is reminiscent of Betty Paige tonight. Just with more latex.

The Originals make their way out without any hot women and..

commercials.

Actually, MORE Wrestlemania recaps and then commercials.

Wow. TNA is going all out with the local ads. Two in one commercial break.

The New Breed over the ECW Originals
Sabu and Striker are in the ring before we go BONZO GONZO. I guess they were waiting for the commercial break to be over before they really got into some shit. Who cares about actual tag rules? It’s extreme! The Originals use weapons to get an edge on the New Breed… naturally. Sandman splashes Striker over the top rope to the floor, RVD splashes Thorn in a similar but more aesthetically pleasing manner, followed by a Sabu triple jump onto Cor Von.

There’s a table in the ring and Burke has control of Dreamer. Striker hits Dreamer with the trash can top and the New Breed quadruple team Dreamer and keep the Originals at bay. Big “New Breed Sucks” chant. Hey, the crowd cares, that’s a good thing, right?

Dreamer gets a DDT and hangman’s neck breaker at the same time on Burke and Striker and that gives the Originals time to take control again. RVD and Sabu hit a rolling thunder / springboard leg drop on Striker. Lots of quick ins and outs here, which lead to a nasty tree of woe on Burke complete with a drop kicking of a chair into Burke’s face. Dreamer hits a spine buster on Striker on a trash can. A chair is set up in the corner while Sandman and Cor Von are in the ring, which leads to the POUNCE. PERIOD.

This is the f*cking match that they should have had Sunday night. It’s clear to me that they were told to keep it safe at Mania not to upstage the Money in the Bank match.

Damn, this is like an actual old school ECW match. I suppose it helps that the Originals are involved. I don’t think Burke and Thorn have the capacity to call a match like this. Thorn takes a chair to the face and gets setup on a table. Rob Van Dam and Sabu both hit leg drops off of the top rope through the table. Striker gets back body dropped out of the ring and Sabu takes a double running knee from Burke face first through the table! Damn!

A three count ends the match and I’m officially impressed with the match. A shame they couldn’t show off their talent like this at Wrestlemania.

The Inside Pulse
Somehow they managed to take a dull show up until the main event and really blew preconceived notions of ECW out of the water. Who the hell would have thought that after so long of burying the old ECW style they’d pull out a gem liek this following the biggest show of the year? A shame that couldn’t get a few more minutes and be on PPV instead of cable.

  • CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Go To Sleep
  • SNITSKY happens to Hardcore Holly
  • The New Breed over the ECW Originals

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