Pardon The Pulse

Hi everyone and welcome as we take you through the hot topics in sports and another week closer to my friggin Christmas, the NFL Draft. We have a special treat for everyone this week as our old buddy Triggs has dragged his ass out of getting ready for marital bliss in order to touch on a subject I kind of figured he would like to be a part of…the selling of the Chicago Choke-Artists, err Cubs.

I would like to point out one other object of note to everyone. Each week we here at PTP get ourselves ready for the next round of topics by each throwing out our thoughts for the big story or simply something we’d like to talk about. It’s a long arduous process…or more so, the course of a few e-mails. Now to those who have been reading along with us and witnessed our conversations about the passing of the legendary Celtic DJ or the tragic college baseball bus accident know that Chuckles is not too fond in talking about death.

So what do I get from him this week when he sends me some topic ideas: “the passing of Herb Carneal.” For those that don’t know, he is the longtime announcer of the Minnesota Twins where Chucklebutt hails from around. And we here at PTP send our regards out to Mr. Carneal’s family and hope he rests in peace.

But Chuckles, next time someone dies…you be ready to talk about it dammitt. But in the meantime, let’s…

1.) NCAA Basketball Champions – Men’s And Women’s

Chuckles: Woot Woot. Woot Woot. Hottie Won! Hottie Won! No, not JoNo, CP3.

Florida is really starting to piss me off. If Florida wins the College World Series too, I don’t know what will happen; it’ll be another big piece of straw on the camels back. I think it’s mostly Noah super energetic annoyingness. Rest of the team I’m semi ok with. Horford is a damn fine player, but I think Brewer and Noah are overrated. But they were the best team, and they deserved to win, I mean, the last 2 years they averaged winning all 12 tourney games by double digits. That’s insane. Good for them, NOW GO PRO AND LEAVE COLLEGE BASKETBALL ALONE!!!!!!!!!

Women’s tourney turned out just as it was supposed to. With my girl Candace Parker cutting down the nets. That’s all that needs to be said. Candace Parker is the most dominating player in women’s baseball, and she’s hot.

Spaulding: Florida won. I hate Florida . We beat their ass without Big Baby even dressing for the game. I hate Florida , always have.

Not the state, just the school.

OK so my Lady Tigers got to the Final Four…again. Then they got trounced…AGAIN! Sheesh, but anyway…I hate Tennessee and not just because they are in the SEC but I hate Pat Summitt. That freakin’ man should be nowhere near a court. Any second I’m waiting for her to scream “SUMMITT SMASH” and then for her head to explode. But Rutgers had a miraculous run and I was hoping they could go with it, oh well. Oh and Chuckles? I hate Candace Parker…hate her. She’s good, don’t get me wrong, but she’s not as phenomenal as people make her out to be.

Paulie: Well, the team from the correct side of the bracket won. Still would have been nicer if it had been UCLA, but it’s not like I was winning any bracket pools anyway. Now, Donovan’s staying but he’s losing 4 guys early to the NBA. I guess two titles are enough for guys now days.

On the women’s side of the world… boy, I really blew that one didn’t I? Oh well. I’m kinda like Danny, I hate Tennessee, but not because of any particular person, just because it’s, well, Tennessee and the only useful thing to come out of that state is Dolly Parton’s boobs.

2.) First Pick Of The NBA Draft: Greg Oden or Kevin Durant?

Paulie: Well, I guess it depends on WHO gets the number one pick doesn’t it? A guy I work with is a Celtics fan and he said that if they get the #1 pick and use it on Durant instead of Oden then he will drive up to Boston and donkey punch Danny Ainge. Somehow I don’t think he realizes what a donkey punch is, but I wasn’t going to ask him. But if say, Charlotte gets the pick, then they probably should go with Durant. They’ve got frontcourt galore. But their guard play is a little weak. But right now, Memphis is in the ping pong ball driver’s seat and for them, well, hell, they might as well just flip a coin. But it’s all a moot point anyway since Josh McRoberts told me that he was going number one. And how could anyone pass over a mediocre, undersized, un-athletic forward that even Coach K was thanking God wouldn’t be in his locker room any more? Of course, he told me this in a bar, so he might have just had to go pee.

Chuckles: Unlike Paulie, I don’t think it matters who gets the first pick. Greg Oden HAS to be the number one pick. He’s the first franchise center in the draft since Dwight Howard, who was the first since Shaq. So at best you’ll find another dominate big man in about 10-15 years. But there will be another Durant in 2 or 3 years. Everyone says he is such an impressive talent, but he really isn’t. There are numerous players in the league like him. Kobe, Melo, T-Mac. Yeah, they’re good player, and Durant will probably be a good player. But there are only a few great big man, and Oden can be the next.

Spaulding: It’s going to be Oden straight up. No matter who has the first pick…say they don’t need a center, then they are going to trade away the pick for some serious bank or players and then that team will pick Oden. I mean hell, I really wouldn’t be surprised to see this possibly be the place that the T-Wolves trade their asses off and finally let Garnett go and do whatever they can to get Oden. I like Durant, but he’s just not nearly as impressive as Oden has shown he can be. Greg Oden is one ugly som’ bitch, but he’s going to be impressive as hell.

3.) Cubbies For Sale…to Mark Cuban?

Triggs: This is one of the rumors that are blowing around in the windy city. Ugh…that was so lame. Right now anyone other than the Tribune would be fantastic. I really don’t care if MJ feels like buying the Cubs, just anyone but the Tribune. The team shelled out 300 million this off-season which is the most they have spent in about 1000 years combined. Every Cubbie fan knew the team was going to be put up for sale just watching this activity over the winter. The whole off-season should have been filmed and put on HGTV as a special ‘Designed To Sell’ episode. Buy some expensive furniture (Soriano), some new fixtures (Lilly and Marquis), and paint the walls (Under Armour) and there you have it. Anyhow back on topic, I would take Mark Cuban for he has done some great things with the Mavs and maybe he could get Dirk to pitch.

Paulie: I could see Cuban now, hovering over the home plate umpire’s shoulder, whispering in his ear, getting banned from Wrigley Field. Hell, MLB could honestly use an owner like Mark Cuban. Spice things up some. Without a salary cap I think Cuban would actually give Steinbrenner a run for his… ahem “money”. He would literally throw money at people. Hell, he’d buy the entire Yankee and Red Sox rosters right out from under them. But… it’s Chicago. It’s the Cubs. All the money in the world isn’t going to change the fact that they named themselves after a cute baby animal and will never again win anything.

Hehehe… Triggs watches Designed to Sell…

Chuckles: I like Trigg’s Design to Sell analogy. The new owner has to be someone who is absolutely loaded. And Cuban fits that mold and he’s said in interviews he’d like to get involved in baseball. Cuban would definitely have a front row seat at Wrigley now so he could yell at the umps. It would be amazingly entertaining to see how many times a year he could get thrown out. 30-40 would be my guess. Good to hear the Tribune Co. is selling the team, get us closer to not having big organizations owning the teams. Get it back into the hands of one single idiot.

Spaulding: I don’t know as much about this as Triggs does of course, but I am happy to see the Tribune finally getting rid of the Cubs so the Cubbies can be away from them. Cuban buying the Cubs though is a horrible idea. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mark Cuban and think he is a fantastic owner for the Mavs, but I just don’t think that baseball is his thing. As excited as he gets during basketball games and so into it, I can’t see him making as big a deal about the Cubs and treating them as well as a Major League ballclub should be treated. I don’t really know who should buy the team, but it should NOT be Mark Cuban. Triggs designs…heh!

4.) Early World Series Picks…And Other MLB Predictions

Spaulding: I really don’t know to be honest with you because there are a lot of squads out there who could pick it up and we always seem to have a few surprises each year. I predict Barry will hit the record-breaking homerun right after the All-Star Break. I predict the Cubbies will do well until about mid-August…and then blow it. I predict the Yankees will make the postseason and then get swept right away. I predict that the World Series will see the Cleveland Indians match up against the Philadelphia Phillies.

Paulie: Bonds will “break” the home run record and no one will be there to celebrate. I predict that since Mark Prior isn’t around and Kerry Wood is in the bullpen, the Cubs pitcher curse will finally find its way to Carlos Zambrano and he’ll regret that contract extension. A-Rod will be wearing a different uniform by the end of the season. Dice-K will lose a game, and the city of Boston will turn on him. And I will now reach into the World Series team randomizer and produce my two teams for the series. From the NL…looks like the Los Angeles Dodgers. From the AL… the Oakland A’s. I will now put these two teams into the top secret data analization computation decider machine and we get… the Oakland A’s in 6.

Chuckles: AL MVP: Mark Teixara…however the hell that’s spelt.
NL MVP: Jeff Francouer
AL CY Young: Durrr…Johan Santana
NL CY Young: Jake Peavy
Division Champs: Red Sox, Twins, Angels, Mets, Brewers, Dodgers. Wildcards: Indians, Braves
World Series: Indians, Mets
Champs: Mets.

Bonds Will break the record. Or his neck. I could care about the same either way.

5.) Ricky Williams – Who, What, When, Where, How?

Chuckles: Who? Oh him. I’m shocked he is trying to come back to the NFL. I’d think he’d love Canada. No pressure. Much more lenient laws when it comes to recreational drugs. You’d think he’d be in heaven, even if the pay isn’t as good. I think his reentry will be accepted, he’ll come back to Miami, and it’ll be up to Saba…wait he’s gone now…who the hell is Miami’s new coach? We know Saban, I just realized that name is real close to Satan…hmmm interesting, would have had Ricky back in a heart beat, but it will be up to this new coach to decide whether or not he wants him back. He’s still a good player and if he was willing (and why wouldn’t he) to play second fiddle to Ronnie Brown, it would make the Dolphins offense more dangerous, and would keep Brown fresher throughout the season. I think it’s a win for the Dolphins and they should be happy to have him back.

Spaulding: See, when the Saints drafted him way back when and he did every interview with his helmet on…I knew something was up. The kid is not right in the head period. Sure he would give the Dolphins a nice one-two punch in the backs department, which seems to be a running trend now, but is he worth the trouble? He’s a big back with sub-par agility, but when he gets in the open, he’s really hard to take down. I don’t know, I just don’t think he would be worth the headaches to a Dolphin team trying to turn things around from the past couple years of obscurity. He obviously can’t and doesn’t want to keep himself clean, so keep your ass up in Canada breaking your arm and all that what not. And Chuckles, the new coach of the Dolphins would be Cam Cameron since Satan went to coach at the appropriate place…Hell!

Paulie: Oh Ricky, you smoked pot. You smoked pot, they’ll let you rot. Hey Ricky! Hey Ricky! I suppose we’ll get into the whole legalization and suspension over pot deal another time, or never. Fact is, they’ll reinstate him, forget to tell him when he’s gonna be randomly tested again, and suspended again. He’s not going to stop smoking. He’s going to get caught. He may as well stay up in Canada where it’s at least partially legal in places. But if he can stay uncaught and healthy, he should be a good counterpart to Ronnie Brown. Of course, Miami doesn’t even know who’s going to be their QB this year; I don’t think they’re overly worried about Ricky one way or the other. Guess he’s just lucky he’s an athlete; otherwise he’d be sharing a cell for life by now with Tyrone and Jim Bob.

That’s it as we close out another successful week. And at the writing of this closing, I would like to say that the NFL Draft is a mere 21 days away and I’m excited like a fat kid in a cotton candy maker.

Got something you want to talk about or do you merely want to bitch at us for an error or because we insulted you? Then simply e-mail me or go here in the forums and lash out at us. But be kind at least until the middle of the week so you don’t upset the baby Jesus. Yeah I know He was born on Christmas, but Easter is His holiday too and it doesn’t sound as funny saying “don’t upset Jesus.”

No smart ass remarks from me…ok, anymore…for this week as we all hope everyone has a safe and Happy Easter and we’ll see you next week as another favorite past time of mine approaches. MY VACATION! Have a good weekend ebby-body!

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