Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
In all of the brouhaha following Florida winning its second consecutive NCAA basketball title, I caught that forward Joakim Noahâ€”you know, that wily, crazy-haired f*cker who hoots and hollers every time he scores a basket or gets fouledâ€”is the son of tennis star Yannick Noah. Yes, the same Yannick Noah who also happened to develop a musical career later in his life. A career which included “Ces SoirÃ©es-LÃ “, a French rap version of “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”. Yes, it is as much of a mess as it sounds, but it’s also procured a special place in my heart, as the first time I heard it was at some bar in Amsterdam. This just goes to show that sometimes crappy songs can be not-so-crappy when linked to fond memories (see also “Still Fly” vis-Ã -vis strip clubs, “Run to You” vis-Ã -vis Amsterdam, again).
Hello? Nas? Did you hear? Robbie Williams might be rejoining Take That!
And I finally started scraping my tongue.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
EMI Records is suing the Crystal Services cleaning company after a member of the cleaning crew accidentally threw away a box of rare BEATLES photos worth $1.37 million, that was being kept at the label’s Manchester Square offices in London. According to EMI officials, several cardboard boxesâ€”containing a total of seven photos and 452 transparencies and negativesâ€”that had been clearly marked “NOT RUBBISH – DO NOT REMOVE” were emptied into a nearby trash compactor, and by the time label employees realized it had been pitched, it had already been collected and taken away by the local waste management service. The cleaning woman who had made the mistake ended up resigning because she was so upset by the complaint, though chances are she would have been canned anyway. And don’t even try to blame this on Mexicans. I know that we’ve got a pretty decent lock-down on that industry here in the U.S. (though the Balts still hold a pretty decent stake), but remember, this was in London. There’s no way any Mexican could swim that far.
New Balance recently released photos of a (currently) concept sneaker that they’ve produced as an homage to JOY DIVISION. Here are a few images, which I have every reason to believe are not fake (1,2,3). I would normally be all over trying to hunt these down, but I absolutely refuse to wear white shoes. Plus, given that the cover for Unknown Pleasures is printed on a black background, the shoes should’ve been black, anyway.
Singer IAN BROWN, formerly of the STONE ROSES but also a solo artist, announced over the weekend that he had brought together former SEX PISTOLS Paul Cook and Steve Jones together for a collaboration on his upcoming album. “This is the most excited I’ve been for years,” Brown told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “This album’s gonna be unbelievable and working with those two is the stuff of dreams. I would’ve liked to have John Lydon on the record, too, but he was busy with Judge Judy at the time.”
British pop (not Brit-pop) singer LILY ALLEN apparently got drunk during a concert last week at San Diego’s House of Blues, and unleashed the obligatory anti-Bush vitriol, also taking the time to toss some insults towards Tony Blair. According to fans who were at the show, Allen had been throwing back beer and cider all night, and near the end of the concert called George W. Bush “an asshole and a cunt.” But the madness didn’t stop there, as she went on to say that she was bisexual because she was sick of men with “tiny dicks” and was considering becoming a lesbian, adding that “San Diego has some of the best crack whores I’ve ever seen.” In order to confirm whether this was an accurate observation, or just a drunk Briton talking smack again, The SMonday Swindle Sheet contacted San Diego’s own Aaron Cameron…
As hard as it might be to believe… yes, San Diego has quite the collection of crack whores.Â Even more shocking is that the largest congregation can be found about five minutes from the campus of San Diego State University.Â JustÂ head south on College Avenue until you hit El Cajon Blvd (there’s a Popeye’s Chicken on the corner… natch).Â I’ve been down there at all hours of the day and night.Â I’ve been propositioned by women with toothless grins.Â I’ve been flashed a piece of ashy ass.Â I’ve seen two hoes go to territorial war over the prime corner in front of the liquor store and El Pollo Loco.Â
My theory is that crack whores from all across the country migrate to San Diego.Â In the winter, we get the East Coast whores who are all wearing knockoffs of those blond Lil’ Kim/Faith Evans wigs.Â Perhaps you’ve seen them featured on HBO’s Hookers on the Point series.Â In the summer, we get the Las Vegas whores who need a vacation from the desert heat and have tired of fighting for sidewalk space with CD bootleggers who sell trash like Cash Money Instrumentals.Â And, then, every five years or so, we get the Super Bowl, which turns our town into the Crack Whore Olympics.
There’s a fish taco joke in here somewhere, but I’ve got nothing left.
JAMES IHA last week squashed rumors that he would not be joining BILLY CORGAN and Jimmy Chamberlain for the upcoming SMASHING PUMPKINS reunion tour, saying that he busy with his independent label, Scratchie Records to deal with Corgan’s shit. Oh great… just what we all wanted; give Billy Corgan something else to whine about.
Country singer BILLY JOE SHAVER was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and unlawfully carrying a handgun on the premises of a business with a license to sell alcohol for on-premises consumption last week, after an incident at a Texas bar a couple of weekends back. Shaver had allegedly shot another man in the face after a dispute at the bar. Billy Bryant Coker told police that he and Shaver had been speaking inside Papa Joe’s Texas Saloon in Lorena, Texas, and after learning that Shaver’s wife was the widow of Coker’s cousin, the two exchanged some heated words before they stepped outside and Shaver shot Coker in the cheek. Shaver later turned himself in to police in Waco, Texas, and was released shortly thereafter on $50,000 bond. While several witnesses said that the attack had been unprovokedâ€”as Shaver had said “Where do you want it?” before shooting himâ€”Shaver’s lawyer told reporters that his client had acted in self-defense, as he had been approached by a “drunk and aggressive stranger holding a knife” out side of the bar, adding that the witnesses “clearly … did not see the whole thing if they didn’t see the knife.” Wow, between this and that guy from MEST killing some guy last month, those rappers are really getting a run for their money in the aggravated assault and murder departments. Looks like guys like C-MURDER and SUGE KNIGHT are going to have to do something like join Al-Qaeda in order to get their heat back.
ICE CUBE fired his tour bus driver last week after finding out that he was drinking excessive amounts of alcohol while driving the rapper and his crew across the country. “He was hitting the sauce… He wanted to get drunk at the shows and then had to drive us 14 hours after the show,” he told reporters after the dismissal. “When your driver is higher than Snoop Dogg, you gotta shake himâ€”I’m the only one that can get drunk on tour. … I was like, ‘Dude, [you’ve been] hanging out with KEITH RICHARDS [for] too long.'”
In other Keith Richards-related news, he’s received a bit of heat for some comments that he made during an interview with NME when he told reporters that when his dad was cremated, “I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared. … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.” Richards’ manager later insisted that the comments were made in jest. Richards had also went off on a tirade during the interview against the current wave of British rock acts, “They’re trying to be somebody else and they ain’t being themselves. ARCTIC MONKEYS? BLOC PARTY? Load of crap. Poseurs, rubbish. There ain’t nothing out there worth shit. I don’t listen to bullshit.” After the interview, Disney was reportedly worried about any bad press (mostly from the father-snorting comment) that might be linked to the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean movie, in which Richard plays the father of Captain Jack Sparrow. Disney’s senior vice president for publicity, Dennis Rice, told reporters, “When [a senior Disney publicist] forwarded the ashes story to me, I thought, ‘How are we going to spin this? … [Let’s just say that] Keith won’t be doing a lot of publicity for this movie.”
Probably a good move from the standpoint of the Disney company not to have Keith Richards do any publicity for the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean film, though I’m sure it would have been incredibly entertaining for the rest of us.
Headline: Animal sex video stuns Tim McGraw & Faith Hill
There’s probably an interesting story behind that.
MÃ–TLEY CRÃœE singer VINCE NEIL recently told Rolling Stone that he and Washington Redskins tackle Todd Wade are teaming up to open a new bar in Miami, called Dr. Feelgood’s Rock Bar. The bar will feature pharmacy-themed dÃ©cor, and waitresses dressed like nurses. The only people by whom this would really be appreciated are people like Eric S. and myself, and because of all the medication we take, we aren’t even supposed to drink alcohol. Not fair.
TRIVIUM lead singer Matt Heafy recently directed a riposte against critics of the metalcore band, implying that even bad press is still press. “They say we’re deluded, they say we’re crazy, they say we suck, they say we stole shit from Metallica,” Heafy said. “But all that they’re doing is giving us free publicity. … Even if you say ‘Trivium sucks!’ You’re still saying ‘Trivium.'” That’s fair enough, I guess, and with that, The SMonday Swindle Sheet would like to report that Trivium lead singer Matt Heafy once cut an 8-month-old fetus out of a woman’s belly, carved a swastika into its forehead, chopped off its legs and ate them with a side of au gratin potatoes and brown basmati rice. That’s just reprehensible. You heard it here first.
FALL OUT BOY have cancelled the first few weeks of performances on the upcoming Honda Civic Tour because they suck. The dates will not be made up, because that’s what you get for liking a shitty band.
In other tour-related news, Andy Summers of THE POLICE told reporters last week that the band will be testing some new songs during their summer tour, and will likely release a new album at the end of the year, in order to show how much Fall Out Boy sucks.
In even more tour-related news, SLAYER cancelled two scheduled summer performances in Scandinavia. A message on the band’s Web site announced that they would be pulling out of the Roskilde festival in Denmark, and the Ruisrock festival in Finland, though it offered no reason as to why. Probably had something to do with Fall Out Boy sucking.
After LIL JON managed to get his goony ass into the Guinness Book of World Records with a ridiculous oversized “CRUNK AIN’T DEAD” pendant, singer AKON has announced that he plans to make his own pendant that will “out-bling” the world’s biggest shitstarter. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Akon said that he had a piece planned that would give him the record: “I got this one piece that definitely will tear the whole game up; it covers my whole stomach. It’s the continent of Africa and the diamonds actually light up… It’s crazy. And the country where I’m from [Senegal] has a little lightbulb that constantly flashes. Mine weighs about 10-to-15 (pounds)… Once I show it off, I’m gonna auction it off and all the proceeds are going to go to my foundation. I’m kinda retiring from the jewelry thing, the whole bling-bling thing… By next year you’re gonna see me with a simple watch, a simple necklace.” While the singer owns a diamond mine in Senegal, he’s more or less just doing this to get into the Guinness Bookâ€”or possibly to get Lil Jon out. He doesn’t even really live the bling-bling life, like Lil Jon does. So basically, he’s going to outdo Lil Jon in his own game, even though Akon isn’t even taking it that seriously save for outdoing Lil Jon. Perhaps I’ve been too hard on Akon in the past, for anyone who sets out to show up Lil Jon, and get him kicked out of The Guinness Book of World Records before it can even be printed is my hero.
’70s glam rocker GARY GLITTER is hoping that Vietnamese president Nguyen Minh Triet will grant him amnesty as part of this year’s Liberation Day celebration later in the month. If granted amnesty, Glitter could be released from prison over a year earlier than he is scheduled. He was convicted by the government of committing obscene acts with children early last year, and is currently scheduled to be released from prison in August of next year. “My client will certainly seek an amnesty this time but it is still up to the president to decide if he would be released,” his lawyer told reporters. “It’s not that he doesn’t like getting f*cked in the ass everyday with billy clubs, it’s just that he’d rather be able to have the freedom to choose who does it.”