I needed it.
OK?
Suck it up.
Oh, and I have a torn ACL.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us:
ERIC – He was here last week…
KAT – She was probably here last week…
JENNA – I’m guessing she was here last week…
HERNANDEZ – I’m SURE he was here last week…
BILL – He isn’t here yet… but he was here last week…
MIKE – He wasn’t here last week, and he’s not here yet..
And me, who was sleeping, James Hatton.
Also as always, the Inside Pulse Insyders – Join them!
Tonight we get a #1 Contenders Match. Orton vs. HBK.
Now though, HERE COMES THE MONEY! And Dani isn’t here… damnit. Ah well, he’s got the mic.
“McMahon, one of the most powerful and prestigious names – recognized all over the world.” – Shane
“You suck” – The Crowd
“Usually when that name is mentioned it is garnered with fear and respect. Over the last couple weeks, every time that name is mentioned the noise that has been heard has been laughter. People have been laughing at the fact as to what happened to my father at Wrestlemania.”
“Tonight is all about putting respect back into the McMahon family name. That’s what I plan on doing. Bobby Lashley front and center.”
“Brand extension disappears another little bit.” – Me
“5 minutes in and the brand extension walls are broken down!” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
Here comes Bobby Lashley, and he’s wearing a suit. Dani really is going to be upset. He’s no Dave, but hey, he’s wearing a suit. She marks for well dressed wrestlers.
Shane goes face to face with Lashley and says he’s going to take what he cares about.
“He’s going to shave his pubic hair.” – Me
“The one?” – Hernandez
So he’s going to put the title on the line.
“Why does it matter.. it’s just a toy.” – Hernandez
Shane vs. Lashley – and Shane is taller.
“I like the idea that Shane might win it and then realize he’s got the ECW title…” – Bill
Here comes Umaga-Ference. Shane though wants Umaga and Armando to go to the back so he can do it his way. He then bitchslaps Armando. Shane then goes nose to nose with Umaga.
“Shane vs. Umaga?!” – Me
“Shane’s the new monster?” – Hernandez
Shane doesn’t need Umaga to fight his battles, so he says. He’s going to give Lashley the beating of his life. Lashley wants to make it interesting though… if Shane loses, headshavings abound.
Shane does it his way… Lashley works for him.
“Since when?!” – Eric
So Shane agrees.
“Shane’s winning the ECW title!” – Eric
“That’s a step better than David Arquette… at least a little step.” – Hernandez
“Shane held the European title with heart.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
Hey here comes Mickey James!
Mickie looks lovely!
“That’s the gear she wore in the indys” – Mike
“Ummm why are my love’s legs covered up??? Where’s her skirt???” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
Candice is wearing a latex buckley thing… nice.
Now here comes Victoria in a strappy thingy.
Finally, Melina in a standard white shiny thing.
“She looked like she was going to do the Dice Clay bit with the belt around the head.” – Me
“IT’S OVAH HEEEAH NOW!” – Hernandez
MICKIE JAMES & CANDICE MICHELLE vs. VICTORIA & MELINA
“Womens matches are just like the drum solo in the middle of InAGaddaDaVida…a good time to go take a piss.” – Insyder TriggyJBearytale
“I wanna lick Mickie’s belly.” Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
“Oddly I want to lick the small of her back.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“I wanna lick her Ice Cream… mmmmmm….Ice Cream….” Insyder Chuckles
“I just want this over lickity split!” – Insyder TriggyJBearytale
“Oh I would lickity her split too” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Melina wants to start with Mickie… so as Mickie comes on in she gets blindsided. Melina eats some top turnbuckle though and a snapmare and sitting dropkick to Melina. She drags her to the corner and tags Candice.
Candice hits a double axe off the top turnbuckle then hits the armwringer.
“I’m twisting your arm because you stole my move.” – Mike
Throws Melina to the corner and then the splash. Finally Candice hits the half-tarantula.
“I smell tuna.” – Jenna
“What did you eat before you got here?” – Mike
Candice gets tossed to the outside and blindsided by Victoria. A quick tag to Victoria and Candice is rolled in for a two count. Vic slams her into the corner for the Tree of Woe. Snapkick from Melina.
“Why couldn’t we have this at Wrestlemania.” – Mike
Melina continues to beat on Candice with a few failed pin attempts. Tag to Victoria and she flips over the top rope to land on her ass as Candice rolls out of the way to the corner.
Tag to Mickie and now Mickie gets the big offensive on Victoria. Hits the hurricanrana right in the center. Stops the pin to go launch on Melina, but Victoria catches her and hits a solid reverse neckbreaker. Two count stopped by Melina.
Melina gets tossed out by Mickie. Victoria tries to fight back, but Mickie throws the high end DDT.
“Victoria took that awesome. I’d stick it in her butt.” – Mike
Pin and Win.
WINNERS: MICKIE & CANDICE
“I want Beth Phoenix back.” – Mike
“I want Naddie Neidhardt.” – Me
“They should tag together.. they have the same manly features.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
Make A Wish kid gets to meet the Highlanders. Gets to meet Maria… And a hug from Maria. Why the hell does that kid get to hug Maria.. he’ll be dead in a year. She is looking f*cking awesome.
“There was a kid?” – Hernandez
Ric and Carlito head to the ring… Ref lets Ric in.
“That’s how you know you’ve made it. The ref holds the ropes for you” – Mike
Carlito grabs the mic.
“We can’t take it anymore.. we’re not Nuggets!” – Mike
Carlito wants Ric to listen.. how Ric said he has no passion. It made Carlito very angry. The more he thought about it, the more he realized you don’t get a wake up call from a 16 Time World Champion. Take a look at the video package…..
We get a very hot Ric package from the Four Hoursemen DVD.
“25 Women just died because I just went… WOO!” – Ric
They show us Barry Windham.. he’s huge!
“The Wiowmaker!” – Me
So Carlito wants to win the match tonight to win a championship spot for the tag titles at Backlash.
Here comes Cade & Murdoch..
“Brooks & Dunn?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:33
RIC FLAIR & CARLITO vs. CADE & MURDOCH
Tag Action!
Flair in the ring with Cade. Cade hits a flying clothesline. Goes right for Murdoch and wraps himself around the leg while Murdoch elbows on Flair.
Murdoch slacks Flair’s back and now you get the chops from Flair. Tags back and forth between Cade & Murdoch, beating on Flair.
Murdoch continues with a chinlock.
“This is a highstakes match” – JR
“So high stakes.. the crowd is dead.” – Mike
Murdoch f’s up a drop toe hold on Flair – but it’s Flair trying to fight his way out of a corner as Murdoch just beats the hell out of him. Finally Carlito gets the hot tag and clears house.
Throws Murdoch to the ropes.. Back body drop. Dropkick to Cade. High knee to Murdoch and a pin stopped by Cade. Flair runs in and gets tossed out by Cade. Carlito hits the second rope and back elbow. Cade pushes Murdoch out of the way!
Nothing but ass!
Murdoch hits the high-low and the win!
WINNERS: MURDOCH & CADE!
Ric tries to console Carlito.. ooo.. Carlito doesn’t like it. The rift begins.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:41
JR mentions Stone Cold Steve Austin and I stop listening…
In the back… Shane is prepping while Coach wants to talk to Shane.
“Oh there you are!” – Coach
“Where’d you think Shane was?? That’s his dressing room dingle.” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
Shane slaps him.
“What’s with Shane slapping people?” – Hernandez
“He just doesn’t like colored people.” – Mike
Coach wants to help. Shane pushes him out of the way.
In the back Todd gets to talk to Shawn.
“Why isn’t Maria wearing that outfit?” – Hernandez
“She wouldn’t look good in Todd’s suit.” – Me
The interview is of course interrupted by Randy Orton.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:50
Here comes Orton!
“HEY!” – I’m sure someone said it.
Here comes Shawn in his old music!
“He went back to the praying and everything!” – Mike
“He might win!” – Hernandez
RANDY ORTON vs. HBK
“Hey!”
Lock up to start. Shawn with the side headlock. Orton fights out of it. Shawn throws it right into a hammerlock. Randy reverses it back. Back and forth they go. Randy drops Shawn for a two count… then right back into the hammerlock.
Orton throws an elbow and it clocks Shawn in the right eye.. he’s bleeding now. Solid technical takedowns between them ending in Shawn with a sitdown headlock.
Back to their feet, Shawn hits the ropes and eats a kneelift. Slams Shawn down. Knee drop from Orton and Shawn moves!
“SELL THE KNEE! Do what Cena couldn’t!” – Hernandez
Chopblocks from Shawn. Works the knee hard now.
“Why does Shawn work the knees!?!?” – Me
“I wouldn’t be surprised if he was just mocking Cena at this point.” – Hernandez
“Orton’s too tall to eat the superkick.” – Eric
Shawn charges Orton who raises the boot. Orton raises it and he eats a legtoss. Shawn’s got the leg and Orton kicks out… slamming Shawn right into the corner turnbuckle with a wet thud.
“Wow…did Randy actually sell an injury for a second there?” – Insyder Soak1313
“No, he actually thought he was hurt.” – Insyer A Faceless Name
“He broke a nail! thats 6 months rehab right there.” – Insyder Riddles
Here comes Edge now…
“I’M TELLING MOM!” – Jen
Shawn goes for the roll-up for two. Orton shoulders him and goes back to Edge.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:03
We’re back and Shawn eats a back body drop. Pin for two and then throws Shawn out.. as he’s crawling in he eats the 2nd rope DDT. Kick out. Make that two. Make it three.
Orton hits the Garvin Stomp! Chops and fist fights and Shawn ends up hitting the ropes and a sunset flip for two. As they get up, Orton hits a big closeline and RIGHT into the chinlock..
“Chinlock… shocker.” – Me
“He needed a break.” – Bill
Back to the feet they punch it out. Shawn to the ropes, swinging neck breaker.
“I smell kip-up *clack clack clapclapclap*” – Me
We wait… Shawn crawls to his feet.
“There’s no kip-up *clack clack clapclapclap” – Bill
Back to the feet. More fisticuffs. Shawn tossed to the ropes and a flying crossbody hits the ref.
“FLYING BURRITO!” – Hernandez
Shawn hits the reverse atomic drop. Two slams. Climbs to the top for the elbow!
“FROM HEAVEN!” – Bill
J E S U …. Edge hits the apron…. Shawn goes after him and Orton charges him and they BOTH go out.
“How does this help anyone’s situation?” – Hernandez
“Double countout.” – Me
“That would suck.” – Hernandez
Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and throws him back in and he heads to the outside to yell at Edge. They argue. Orton swings. Edge pushes him to the corner.. Orton catches it and spins around to eat the spear!
“Edge did this to his partner Orton..” – JR
“His love…. his poolbo… Orton.” – Hernandez
Edge now goes to grab the ref..
“AND THE REF IS GONE!!!” – Hernandez
Here comes a NEW ref with the old ref climbing into the ring. New ref counts to 9 for the double countdown. They both get up. SNAP SUPERKICK DONE! Orton drops. Shawn lands on Orton, but his shoulders are down.
“But you can’t win from the bottom spot!” – Hernandez
“That’s like being in missionary and saying “I LOVE when the girl is on top!” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
“Thats why cowgirl was invented.” – Insyder Chuckles
WINNER: CONTROVERSY!
We get a shot of Edge yelling.
“I’M THE WINNER!” – Bill
“I’m the #1 Contender” – Edge
“I’m a chicken tender… wait…” – Hernandez
“He is the only one standing.” – Bill
So they play Edge’s music as we head to commercial.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:15
Shane is prepping… Orton runs in yelling.
“SLAP HIM!” – Me
He says take it up with Coach.
“Now slap him.” – Hernandez
Orton apologizes and leaves.
The Make-A-Wish gets autographs with Super Crazy, Val Venis, and then here comes Cryme Tyme.
“They’re going to steal his autograph book!?!” – Me
Finally he gets to meet Johnny Nitro. Johnny Nitro no sells the poor kid. Finally Coach. He explains that he makes the big decisions… Michael (the kid) has something to say to him… but Edge interupts them
“Spear the child…” – Bill
“Spoil the rod?” – Me
“When coach was in the kid’s face the kid should have said “You do know what I have is contagious right?”” – Insyder Soak1313
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:23
Now though, time to see the Hardys.. with the old intros.. with gold.
“Welcome to 1998!” – Me
“Way to relive the late 90’s Vince” – Dani
THE HARDYZ vs. TWGTT
‘Chaarrrrliieeee’ – Eric
Charlie starting in the ring with Matt.
Lock-up and a quick technical set-up ending with hammerlocks between both. Charlie elbows and throws Matt to the ropes. Eats a fist and a tag to Jeff.
Throws Charlie to the ropes and they hit double elbows. In runs Shelton and he gets a clothesline from Matt. Jeff to the top and Shelton hits a top rope Ghettoblaster.
“Jeff didn’t think he was gonna hit.. then CRACK Awww” – Hernandez
Charlie continues to beat down on Jeff. Snapmare. Shelty grabs a leg and a leg flip to Matt and a tag to clear house. Bulldog on Charlie to clothesline Shelton. Side effect to Shelty. He throws Charlie outside and he lands on the apron. Jeff clocks him one though.
Matt launches Shelton into the corner and Jeff hits with the poetry. Twist of fate. Senton splash on spot.
WINNERS: HARDYZ
Edge is heading out for the Cutting Edge.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:33
It’s Edge time!!!
THE CUTTING EDGE
Now with Cena!
“Everytime I see the name of his show, I want to say Toepick.” – Dani
Edge informs us that Shawn & Orton both lost their match earlier. He feels that Coach agreed that the new number one contender should be him.
“Where’s his set. Did Cryme Tyme steal it?” – Hernandez
“Well he stole their ringtime.” – Me
So as Edge babbles and now Randy runs on down.
“hey?” – Hernandez
Orton babbles into the mic.
“What?” – Dani
“Raaarrrrghghhhhh” – Hernandez
“That’s what it sounded like.” – Dani
So Orton has never faced Cena for the title… and here comes Shawn limping on own.
“Ow. Ow. Ow.” – Hernandez
Shawn thinks he is the better man. He wants the ‘Rematch of all rematches’.
“Ever?” – Me
“No, he means him versus Bret Hart” – Eric
Finally, Cena. He rags on each wrestler in turn.. having beaten them all… well except Orton.
Cena asks Shawn if he wants to relive Wrestlemania.
“NO!!!!” – Hernandez
This is all stopped by Coach.
“You don’t make the decisions around here..” – Coach
“The small kid that’s going to die in a year does!” – Me
“Awww.. jaaamiee..” – Dani
At Backlash. Cena versus Edge & Orton in a 2 on 1 Handicap match. He apologizes to HBK and … CAR CRASH
Here comes Mick!
“Toldja.” – Me
Mick informs Coach that the decision isn’t Coach’s to make. Coach does not make the big decision of the night. Mick doesn’t either. Not any wrestler here. The honorary GM of Raw. Here comes Michael Pena!
The Rabble at this point in time.. made a lot of dead child jokes. They’ve been kept out due to us all laughing too hard.
I would also at this moment like to establish that the Insyders over at the forums spent most of the show talking about how they would want to fornicate with Mickey James. We all have strange nights occasionally….
So Michael – what’s the new main event.
“I gotta pee..” – Hernandez
So he announces it’s a four-way and Shawn gives him a ‘Thaddaboy.’
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
HERE COMES THE MONEY!!!!! HERE COMES THE MONEY!
“Yay. For Shane” – Dani (She showed up)
Now.. LASHLEY!
SHANE vs. LASHLEY
Intriiiiiguing…
As a note it’s 10:57.
Bobby gets the apron and SPEAR FROM SHANE! Right to the outside. Lashley’s gonna charge him into the turnbuckle and Shane leaps out of the way…
Wow, hot little start. I miss Shane.
Lashley heads in and eats a baseball slide! Shane now goes punching the hell out of him. He three points him right into the stairs. He finally rolls Lashley in – bell rings. Pin for two.
Hits a fieldgoal kick or two. Holds Bobby in the corner with knees and punches. Finally Lashley grabs Shane and a fallaway slam and a clothesline. Back body drop!
“He threw him like a rag doll…” – Dani
“Living in a movie?” – Me
“Hot tramp.. is Shane Daddy’s little cutie?” – Dani
Shane goes and outright hits the ref and that’s that!
I guess Shane lost via DQ.
Now Umaga, Armando, and Vince run on down and the Umaga beatdown goes on with Lashley. Lashley eats the big splash. The butt bump.
As a note – Vince is in his awesome hat.
“Vince is so gangsta. When I see Vince in that hat, I just think ‘Where is CM Punk’s tommygun?'” – Insyder Soak1313
Vince on the outside grabs a chair. Shane’s got it….. He CLOCKS Bobby with it. Awesome chairshot.
Bobby’s cut open so at Backlash – Lashley vs. Vince vs. Shane vs. Umaga.
“He’s turning purple” – Dani
Lashley takes a thumb of doom.
The end.
What did the Rabble think?
“It was alright. The kid lived.” – Hernandez
“I kinda understand why Mike left.” – Bill
“It was ok to leave the house for an hour.” – Dani
“It was alright.” – Simon
“I actually don’t know how I feel about it.” – Jen
“Doesn’t it take you to put a hand on top of you to get pinned” – Eric
“Zzzzzzzz” – Kat
“I don’t know what Mike’s talking about.. it wasn’t THAT bad.” – Jeffrey
And what did I think. I actually thought the wrestling was pretty solid. Nice to see Shane again.
That’s that. See you next week.
