God bless you, Mister Vonnegut. You have now truly become unstuck in time. Remember the lessons taught to Billy Pilgrim: time is just another dimension, and death is just another state. Yet even in our unenlightened minds, you are truly immortal. I don’t know a single writer under the age of 50 who wasn’t influenced by you (and that includes me). Very few authors have experienced the dichotomy of being mandatory assignments in schools and a frequent target of banning. May you be surrounded by a hundred Montana Wildhacks on your throne on Literary Titan, with a container of ice-nine at hand in case you need to smite us.
Well, according to what I’ve heard, the surgery was a success. I personally couldn’t tell you, because they ended up giving me some good shit in the operating room. Seriously, I was totally conscious one second, then BAM, out like a light. However, I was able to participate in one strange experiment: what happens when you hook an incipient diabetic up to a glucose IV? My blood sugar’s been yo-yoing like a mofo; I’m trying to take extra pills to compensate. And, of course, I got fresh Vikes out of the deal. They’re only Vike 5s, though; I was hoping for some 10s. Oh, well, what the hell. They’ll help me to withstand the fresh pain of an episode of Impact, and…oh, hell, there’s a PPV this weekend. Gotta go do the Round Table. I’ll probably end up doing it as I watch the show. I tend to have the attention span of a mayfly when watching wrestling these days.
Since I had Smackdown downloaded by the time I finished Impact, I decided to go double-team this week. So let’s just get into the shows…
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Jay Lethal over Chris Sabin, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Savage Elbow): Typically good match between the two. Now, since we’ve been having this little discussion of my use of the term Angle Advancement Match (a term that I established, by the way), let’s analyze this match in an attempt to categorize it. It wasn’t really an Angle Advancement Match per se, since the Lethal-As-Savage situation wasn’t made to subordinate the match (that’s what characterizes an Angle Advancement Match; the angle takes priority over the match itself). It treaded on the borderline due to Lethal using the Savage Elbow as a finisher, but never crossed it. Also, this match wasn’t a PPV Pimp Match either, since the XCape aspect was played down in the commentary, only getting passing mentions from Tenay and the usual incoherent blathering from West. It didn’t feature any real advancement, since Tenay and West didn’t mention anything about Lethal beating the reigning X champ or Sabin losing momentum going into Lockdown (a very unusual omission from Tenay, who’s very good about things like this). This match cannot be easily pigeon-holed.
But what does it mean? Expect a title change on Sunday. I don’t know to whom yet, but I should have an answer by the time I do the Round Table.
Do you know how hard it is to aim using only your ass?
Bobby Roode and Jacqueline over Petey Williams and Gail Kim, “Mixed” Tag Match (Pinfall, Roode pins Williams, rollup): In WWE terms, this was an Intergender Tag Match, since men could go up against women and vice versa. What it was was an entertaining little train wreck. Kim and Jackie are both used to wrestling at a fast pace (a lot of that experience courtesy of Trish Stratus), and the guys know how to keep up with them. They’re all willing to take their lumps. Personally, I would like to have seen this match in the cage at Lockdown rather than the two singles matches we’re going to have, which will be Piss Break Matches…hey, since I use that term, is someone going to argue with me about what that means too?
Scooter’s probably spazzing out seeing three Canadians in the ring
Samoa Joe over A. J. Styles, Lethal Lockdown Advantage Match (Pinfall, Jarrett El Kabong): Hey, it’s Joe/Styles. It was great until the schmozz. But the apres was the most important thing, as usual. Everyone was wondering ever since the rumors started about Jarrett returning as a face about how exactly they’d accomplish that given the Impact Zone Crazies’ instinct to boo Jarrett the moment his music hits. Well, it was adequate. But the reactions of Joe and Sting were perfect. They incorporated the “we don’t trust him” vibe without needing to say a word in a promo by going ballistic on Angle for his choice. The problem is, Tenay and West didn’t follow up on that. It was a logical point to make, and it wasn’t made. Everyone wonders why Tenay and West are considered the fourth-best announce team in wrestling television. That’s why.
Imitating the captain is the sincerest form of flattery
Pomp And Circumcision: I approve of the full Savage make-over to Jay Lethal. He’s got the promo ability now to carry this off and use it to elevate himself. However, the shelf life of this is about three months. They’d better not stick him with this for a long period. Look what happened with Novocaine Helms and how hard he had to work to eliminate the whole superhero crap. That being said, “Black Machismo”? Is anyone else having flashes to Mark Henry and Viscera right now? That’s not who you want to be compared to, Jay. Be very, very careful. And do something about the hair. It’s really verging on D-Ray territory.
This actually looks really good. Is this really TNA?
Has Nash now officially run out of WCW gimmicks?
It’s not very clear from this picture, but the pattern on the folds of Spike’s shirt make it clear that he’s wearing chest padding. Kinda blows the illusion, huh?
Burnside is the only person who missed this
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Paul London and Brian Kendrick over Douche and Dildo, Tag Title Match (DQ, You Don’t Listen To Mickey Jay, You’re Fucked): So, they came up with the DQ ending to protect Douche and Dildo. From the evidence of this match, why? Team Twink Porn literally had to do the work of four men…no, let me rephrase that for obvious reasons, four people. They set the pace of the match, they did all the spots, they did everything. You rarely see a tag team along for the ride in a match (usually at least one of the guys contributes to a significant extent), but that’s what Douche and Dildo did here. Yes, I make fun of London and Kendrick, but I damn well respect them, and it’s for stuff like this. If they hadn’t gone into overdrive, this match wouldn’t have moved at all. Yet another failure on the part of WWE to develop a tag team. And you wonder why they keep giving the Raw straps to singles guys with nothing to do or retread teams that failed as singles competitors.
Gotta give credit to London: he has an incredible sense of balance while in motion
Montel Vontavious Porter over Our Lord and Savior, Non-Title, Thank God, Match (Pinfall, rope-assisted rollup): Apparently Christ had a time limit to rise. Sunday, yes. Friday, no. Another Wrestlemania rematch that was unwanted, another fifteen minutes of Benoit showing everyone how to properly control a match and dragging his usual worthless competitor with him. Porter’s just a nappy-headed ho. Bet that Wids and Fingers won’t fire me for saying that.
No fuscia, no fuscia, no fuscia for you
Kane over Shaun Daivari (Pinfall, chokeslam): So, did the apres with the Blue Bloods last longer than the match? I’m so drugged up that I can’t tell, nor can I consult the built-in clock in GOM Player to figure it out. Actually, I don’t care to.
Daivari, stop stealing outfits from London and Kendrick, and we’ll start taking you seriously
The Underchampion and DAVE over Dave Fuckin’ Finlay and FudgePacker (Pinfall, DAVE pins FudgePacker, DAVEBomb): Now this time I kept track. There were twenty-six minutes remaining in the show when Batista made his entrance. When the bell rang, there were nineteen minutes left in the show. Ignoring the fact that nineteen minutes is a little too long for a match with DAVE and UT involved (unless they pad it with restholds like the WM match), that means the entrances took seven minutes. The only reason this is tolerable and tolerated is that one of those entrances is UT’s. He and Sandman are the only guys in wrestling allowed to have an entrance longer than two minutes. With anyone else, it’s a waste of time. This is why I like being able to fast-forward through this crap.
Now, this is the classic example of an Angle Advancement Match. The match flow was disrupted because they had to get the “DAVE and UT don’t trust and like each other” spots in. Cole and High-Quality Speaker Boy spent an inordinante amount of time discussing it rather than sticking to the action. Finlay is too much of a pro to show that he knows he’s only along for the ride, but FudgePacker’s too green to know how to disguise it. Again, this match took over eighteen minutes. This kind of stuff gets very, very boring, and those eighteen minutes stretch and stretch. This isn’t how to do a main event.
Now here’s the DAVE we used to know
None. Jillian Hall beating up Ashley Massaro does not an angle make.
So what am I going to do that I’m housebound and supposed to do nothing but relax and put my leg up? Well, how about an album review and maybe a couple of DVD reviews? That should get you to turn to the site this weekend, and if you’re depending on your connection at work, something to read on Monday morning. So stay tuned, enjoy everything here, and always masturbate to orgasm.