Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
I came to the realization over the weekend that my favorite Tears for Fears song is “Sowing the Seeds of Love”. Yes, I really like “Mad World”, “Head Over Heels”, “Advice for the Young at Heart” and of course the ubiquitous “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” (it reminds me of drinking absinth in Prague), but for whatever reason I like “Sowing the Seeds of Love” the most. It was near the ass-end of the duo’s first run and is a blatant, uh… nod to The Beatles, but I still like it. This may come especially as a shock to those of you who know that I hate The Beatles. Not sure if I ever explained that, so here’s why…
I’ve come to refer to it as The Yogurt Raisin Effect. When I was in first grade, my mother used to send the same exact thing with me to school for snack every single day for most of the year. As a 7-year-old, I enjoyed yogurt raisins because I had been convinced that while they tasted good, they were also good for me. After eating them for the entire school year and the subsequent summer, without incident, my mother continued to send them with me to school as I began second grade, because it was obvious that I liked them. It must have been around the Thanksgiving holiday when I started getting a wee bit tired of them, but I still continued to eat them because I knew that they were better for me than, say, a Fruit Roll-Up or a Fun-Size bag of Doritos. Then, one day, out of nowhere, my body decided to reject the yogurt raisins in what would not only be the worst puke I’ve ever had to date (that includes my last birthday), but also one of the most embarrassing moments in my entire grammar school history. From that point on, the mere sight, smell or sound of yogurt raisins made my stomach gurgle in the same way that one’s stomach acts after a long night with Southern Comfort. To this day, I can’t even stand to look at yogurt raisins. In fact, just writing this paragraph has made me feel a little queasy.
How does this relate to The Beatles, you ask? Easy, it was the same exact situation, except my father was the culprit in this case. Most people grow up listening to The Beatles, and as a result, they enjoy their music. Not me. My father is such a huge Beatles fan that I was subjected to so much Beatles in my early years that by the time I was of age to make my own musical choices I had had enough of them to last me throughout the rest of my life. To this day, if a Beatles song comes on the radio, I change it, because it makes me a little queasy. Do I respect them? Yes. Do I agree that music would not be the same today if they had never existed. Of course. Do I think that they’re overrated? In certain circles, yes, but as a whole, no. In fact, I don’t even like solo material from any of them, save for “Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five”, because I have a good college memory relating to that song. But as far as the rest of it goes, pssh. So f*ck yogurt raisins and f*ck The Beatles.
And A Very Special Shout-Out to Timbaland: You are not Giorgio Moroder, and you will never be. However, as a relatively successful producer, it reeks of egotism to insert yourself into every single track and/or video that you produce (see also, Williams, Pharrell; Combs, Sean). Maybe if you actually took more time working on consistently good beats instead of throwing yourself into the mix every chance you get, you wouldn’t have to recycle half of your beats, and Shock Value would not have sucked quite as much shit as it did.
All of a sudden, whilst picketing outside of a McDonald’s last week in Baton Rouge, La., protesting the fast-food chain’s ALL-WHITE MEAT Chicken McNuggets, Al Sharpton comes to the realization that he is NOT smarter than a fifth-grader.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
SNOOP DOGG accepted a plea bargain on Wednesday in a California court, and pled no contest to charges of possession of a firearm and sale or transportation of marijuana. The rapper (nÃ© Calvin Broadus) had been taken into custody by Burbank police last year after they searched his car after finding him parked for a considerably long time in a passenger pickup area at Burbank Airport, and found an unregistered handgun and a pretty large amount of the ganj. He was sentenced to five years of probation, three years on a suspended sentence and 900 hours of community service. Snoop’s lawyer told reporters, “He recognizes the severity of this. He recognizes he got a great deal and he fully intends to make sure nothing prohibits him from keeping his part of the bargain.” Interesting to note: Snoop will end up serving half of the community service sentence by working with his Snoop Youth Football League. Gee, that must be tough on the poor guy. That should teach him a lesson to not carry a gun anymore.
After Playboy pin-up/video prop VIDA GUERRA revealed any that reports she has dated THE GAME and his stories of sexual dalliances with her were completely false, the rapper has devoted an inflammatory new track, called “I Love It”, to Guerra. She told King magazine that she was “disgusted” by any rumors linking her to The Game, and said that she’d take a public polygraph test with him in order to see who’s really telling the truth. She then made the terrible mistake of trying to cut a freestyle on him on a New York radio show, which was about as terrible as you’d think it would be. Not only did this make Guerra look bad, but it gave The Game some much-needed ammo in the matter, as he later said, “She can’t rap worth shit… She don’t really wanna [challenge] me. She knows I would destroy her. [I have] no time for the video girls. I heard her rapping and I was like, ‘This shit sounds horrible.’ Why would she do that?” In other words, he’s not going to be taking a polygraph anytime soon, just in case someone asks him if he’d rather eat a Big Mac or Jazze Pha’s ass. Probably wouldn’t happen, but just in case…
In the interest of journalistic integrity, I decided that it might be a good idea to include a photo of Vida Guerra, for those of you who have never seen her. There is also a NOT WORK SAFE photo here… in the interest of journalistic integrity.
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM drew the ire of the staff at the Rococo Theatre in Lincoln, Neb., after he canceled a scheduled performance an hour before it was supposed to start, citing below standard sound equipment. An events director for the Rococo told reporters that “staff and management were put off by his diva-like behavior … and wondered if he always felt it necessary to be so rude to people who are simply trying to put on a good show.” The FLEETWOOD MAC singer/guitarist later had a post made on his Web site, saying, “Lindsey prides himself on delivering the very best performance and production for every show, but in this case he wasn’t able to do so. … [He] hopes his fans in Lincoln will understand, and he looks forward to returning to Lincoln but under much better conditions.” As if it wasn’t bad enough to live in Nebraska, but to then have your hopes of finally seeing the theme for National Lampoon’s Vacation performed live dashed to pieces… not a good day to be a Nebraskan.
News Headline: My Chemical Romance and Iron Maiden square off for Metal Hammer Award
My Chemical Romance, eh? Add the Metal Hammer Award to the list of things that aren’t what they used to be.
The Los Angeles city attorney’s office announced last week that criminal charges would not be filed against JAMES BLUNT, after a hit-and-run accident of sorts that occurred outside the home of a Hollywood agent. Blunt had allegedly been leaving a party at the house with then-girlfriend Petra Nemcova, and as he pulled away in his SUV, he ran over the leg of an autograph singer. While criminal charges could have been filed against Blunt, a spokesperson of the city attorney told reporters, “We’ve decided not to file any charges. We reserve the right to file charges at any time.” And there you have it, folks. All of you people who decided to buy his album and go to his show, I hope you’re paying attention. Not only is this man insufferably boring, but he’s got no problem running over the leg (I could maybe understand running over someone’s foot, but leg? How does that happen?) of a diehard fan who wants nothing but an autograph. This could have been any of you. I think it’s about time you admitted that you were wrong in liking James Blunt.
Eddie Van Halen’s 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, who was to play bass with the band in lieu of the ousted Michael Anthony, recently told People Weekly that he was sort of relieved that VAN HALEN (featuring Diamond Dave) had to postpone its reunion tour. However, it wasn’t necessarily because he was glad that his father was getting help in rehab, but more so because he wasn’t quite ready for all of the booze, drugs and women that come with the terrain. Come on, though, who wouldn’t want to snort coke off of a stripper’s ass with their dad?
Everyone’s Favorite Guy recently posted a whiny message on his blog that indicates that he’s realized just how much of a useless sack of shit he is and is yearning for the glory days when he and [SHIT] BIZKIT were able to dupe millions of impressionable idiots into buying their albums and going to their shows. “I would love to do a tour with the original Limp Bizkit [lineup] … Imagine that me and Wes could work things out together and be a band again, friends again … We had so many wonderful times. I am proud to say that I have learned so much from my mistakes and it has taken a long time to evolve to this place where I finally let myself be healed. Without Limp Bizkit, I would have never gotten here. Without Wes, I wouldn’t know what it is like to work with the best.” Geez, Fred, why don’t you just blow him and get it over with? The truth of the matter is that for the first time in his life, not only is Wes Borland in a band that doesn’t blow nads, but he’s completely free of Fred and his big dumb face. It’s kind of like this ex-girlfriend that I had that was trying to call me almost three years after we broke up, and I finally had a female friend call her and tell her to FUCK OFF with sprinkles on top. I suggest that Wes Borland have Danny Lohner and/or Josh Freese pay a visit to Fred Durst and beat the shit out of him, film it and use it for a BLACK LIGHT BURNS music video. If Danny and Josh aren’t up for something like that, anyone else beating the shit out of Fred Durst would work. I would buy ten copies of their album on principle alone.
Former EAGLES/JAMES GANG guitarist/singer JOE WALSH has agreed to join KENNY CHESNEY‘s band for his Flip Flop Summer Tour 2007, which begins next month in Las Vegas. Chesney told reporters, “Getting him to come out here with us is gonna be a total blast because nobody’s lived the life quite like him and absolutely nobody plays guitar like he does.” A source close to Chesney later revealed to SMonday Swindle Sheet reporters, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, told us that Chesney was just really excited to have Walsh aboard because he was a huge fan of the song he did for the soundtrack for The Warriors. Walsh seemed to have his own reasons for joining the band, though, promising “free gas for all”, while “actually just doing it to raise awareness of a Kenny Chesney tour, as most Americans don’t even know that there’s a Kenny Chesney tour going on.”
After having split up in 2004 due to the former’s drug problems, former LIBERTINES bandmates PETE DOHERTY and CARL BARÃ‚T reunited for one night, as BarÃ¢t appeared onstage during a Doherty solo show at Hackney Empire in London, on Thursday night. The duo performed 13 Libertines songs to an impassioned crowd, before Doherty returned to his own ways, shocking exactly no one in attendance, rendering BarÃ¢t unconscious by beating him over the head with a mic stand before snorting coke off of his ass. Huh. I thought people only did that with strippers.
In another story that will come as a shock to no one, GUNS N’ ROSES has postponed the first couple weeks of their world tour, after bassist Tommy Stinson fell down a flight of stairs, severely spraining his hand and possibly damaging the ligament as well. The group was supposed to kick off their tour over the weekend in Japan, but several of those shows will be rescheduled, and they will instead be looking to start the tour at the end of the month in South Africa. Axl Rose later made a statement to reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that Chinese Democracy would be pushed back another 18 months due to Tommy Stinson falling out of an airplane. When the reporter brought it to Rose’s attention that Stinson had actually fallen down a flight of stairs, and that the album is supposedly already recorded and just needs to be remastered, Roses pointed at a ceiling rafter and when the reporter looked at it he ran away. Damn it, guys, you’ve got to stop falling for that.
Legendary Hawaiian singer/television star DON HO (nÃ© Donald Tai Loy Ho) died on Saturday, of a fatal heart attack, just two days after having performed in Waikiki. He was 76. According to his manager, Ho (who had undergone an experimental, stem cell-based heart operation in Thailand two years ago) had shown no signs of failing health, and “was in great spirits” just hours before his death.
GERMS drummer Don Bolles (nÃ© Jimmy Michael Giorsetti) was arrested last week in Newport Beach, Calif., after police found a container of the exfoliating Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap in a toiletry case that he was carrying in his car, which tested positive for the “date-rape drug” GHB. Bolles had been pulled over by Newport Beach police for a cracked taillight, and a subsequent search turned up the soap, which was tested with a field test kit; after being arrested on suspicion of felony narcotics possession, he was released on $2500 bond. Bolles apparently swears by the peppermint-scented Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap, as it give him the complexion of a “15-year-old girl,” adding that “a date-rape drug is the last thing I need. … If anything, I need a way to keep the girls off me.” From a PR standpoint, probably not the best statement to make considering the circumstances. But Dr. Bronner’s hired an attorney and came to the defense of Bolles, saying that while the hemp oil in the soap has caused it to test positive for THC in the past, GHB has never been found in it, and that “the field test must have been flawed or tampered with.” The Orange County Crime Lab was conducting further tests on the container of soap that was found in Bolles possession this past week, and will be releasing results in the next week or so. You know what? Either way this one works out, if you’re a woman at a bar, and you don’t realize that your drink tastes like soap, you deserve to be… nope. Going to take the high road here, avoid being a dick and just say that 50 Cent looks like a coatamundi.
News Headline: Adam Levine contemplates the end of Maroon 5
Don’t we all…
Singer TREY ANASTASIO was sentenced to community service after pleading guilty to charges of attempted criminal possession of a controlled substance. The former PHISH/OYSTERHEAD singer/guitarist, who had been discovered with Xanax, Vicodin and heroin in his car last December during a routine traffic stop in Fort Edward, N.Y., will also be required to report to the court weekly, and he can’t play hacky-sack for 18 months. Ouch.
Successful post-hardcore band EIGHTEEN VISIONS broke up last week. I think we can all agree that they should use the time off to get proper haircuts.
The Cuban government has extended an invitation for THE POLICE to play in Havana after they complete their North American tour later in the year. The concert would more than likely take place sometime in December, and would be the band’s first appearance there as a whole, as Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers had both performed there in 1999. If I manage to get cleared by the government to go to Cuba to write my book about Yank Tanks and salsa music by the end of the year, I’m f*cking there.
The Ben & Jerry’s ice cream company has unveiled a new QUEEN tribute flavor, called “Bohemian Raspberry”, a percentage of the proceeds from which will go towards the Mercury Phoenix Trust AIDS fund. Interesting to note, however, is that while “Bohemian Raspberry” might seem like a whimsically creative name for an ice cream flavor for Ben & Jerry to have come up with, the same exact name was previously used by the Jones Soda Co., for a raspberry-flavored green tea. Guitarist BRIAN MAY told reporters, regarding the new Ben & Jerry’s flavor, “It’s Queentastic! Rhapsolicious! So cool it’s not funny! But only if the next one is ‘We Will Chock You’! I’ve had the same hairstyle for the past 35 years!”
Lollapalooza this summer will be kicking off its first year in a series that is part of a five-year contract signed with the City of Chicago, that will keep the three-day event in Grant Park through 2011. Last week a full list was released of confirmed acts, which include PEARL JAM, DAFT PUNK, IGGY AND THE STOOGES, BEN HARPER AND THE INNOCENT CRIMINALS, YO LA TENGO, MODEST MOUSE, MUSE, SNOW PATROL, INTERPOL, THE ROOTS, MY MORNING JACKET, SILVERCHAIR, PATTI SMITH, STEPHEN MARLEY, SATELLITE PARTY, YEAH YEAH YEAHS, KINGS OF LEON, PETE YORN, G. LOVE AND SPECIAL SAUCE, LUPE FIASCO, THE WAILERS, THE BLACK KEYS, AMY WINEHOUSE, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM, TV ON THE RADIO, SLIGHTLY STOOPID, SON VOLT, SEAN LENNON, CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH, REGINA SPEKTOR, FEMI KUTI AND THE POSITIVE FORCE, THE POLYPHONIC SPREE, BLONDE REDHEAD, !!!, TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS, THE FRATELLIS, MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK, THE RAPTURE, RHYMEFEST, ELECTRIC SIX, SILVERSUN PICKUPS, CHARLIE MUSSELWHITE, SPARKLEHORSE, ANAL CUNT and more. Geez, that was such a pain in the ass to type up and format that I just couldn’t not include the obligatory Anal Cunt reference. Sorry.
GREEN DAY singer Billie Joe Armstrong has been volunteering recently in New Orleans, in an effort to help rebuilt parts of the city destroyed by Hurricane Katrina… and to show that rock stars really do know how to do grunt work that the rest of us think they can usually get away with having someone else do. He wrote to fans in the band’s Web site: “Today we worked on the upper 9th ward. I had to do some upside down hammering technique but we managed to get the job done. We felt a great sense of accomplishment when we finished.” Later on in the blog, however, fans were perplexed as it was revealed that he had been planting trees.
Having recently completed a stint in rehab for alcohol abuse, which she says her manager “pushed” into doing, BRITNEY SPEARS gave an impromptu interview to paparazzi in Los Angeles over the weekend. “I just want to say that I’m just really, really shocked at like how nice our world is because it is just so nice. Like, oh my God,” she babbled. “Like the other day like I was sitting there and I saw all these magazines and they said I was pregnant and like it’s so true. It was so right and like my management totally knew what they were doing when they sent me to rehab. So right you know?” So apparently the cure for alcoholism is lots and lots of drugs. Good to know. You heard it here first.
News Headline: Police issue warrant for DMX
Just remember, folks, these things tend to happen in sevens.
HOLE singer/actress/dead-husband’s-coattails-rider Courtney Love is denying reports that she had gastric bypass surgery in order to lose a significant amount of weight, instead saying that she just did a shitload of coke, but only because she wanted to lose weight, and not because she’s a cokehead. Well, it’s a good thing she cleared that one up.
Just weeks after posting a message on her MySpace blog saying that America was “boring,” singer LILY ALLEN cancelled a scheduled performance at an unspecified venue in Brooklyn, as The Klaxons, who had been DJing that night, had to step in for her. While no reason was given for the cancellation, The SMonday Swindle Sheet was able to attain the news, from an EXCLUSIVE source, that Allen cancelled the show so that she could spend some time with Widro. Come on, Widro, what’s more important, your own selfish needs, or a venue full of music fans? First you parade photos of yourself with PlayStation 3’s and Nintendo Wii’s online during the busy holiday season, no doubt disappointing many an unlucky child who had to instead settle with a Dora the Explorer Adventure Playset, and now this. Earlier in the week, Lily Allen had mocked a teary-eyed teenybopper fan during another New York show, in an incident no doubt instigated by one Jonathan Widro. Seriously, f*ck you, Widro.