Greetings all. Tonight, as usual, Raw looks to amaze but never fails at disappointing. I’m your gloomy host for the evening, Tom Pandich. It’s been a pretty shitty day with one of the greatest tragedies in American history happening today in the Virginia Tech shootings. Furthermore, I’m ashamed of how our media treats events like this. Watching any of the 24 hour news networks today made me physically ill. The only good that came out of today is that it reminded me of just how important my friends and family are to me.
Perhaps something as silly as professional wrestling can serve as a nice catharsis from just how horrible the world can be. Thank you for coming and reading this report tonight. I’ll do my best to give you an entertaining report.
Fireworks and Raw is from Milan, Italy meaning expect this show to not mention anything that happened today. Diva Fashion Show tonight, but first. COACH! Not just the coach, the coach in glasses. Last week the Coach’s power was usurped because he only has sickle cell anemia (and cancer trumps that). Tonight though, Coach is getting his way as he makes Rated RKO vs John Cena in a handicap match (for the title?) tonight. Here comes Vince in hat.
Vince says he has no idea what they’re saying. Cute. Vince gets booed. He runs down Milan. Someone is in a Bret Hart shirt! Here comes Oooooooooooooooomagahhhh. Honestly, Umaga’s fake Samoa tattoo is perhaps the dumbest tattoo ever. This goes into a video package with what happened last week where Bobby Lashley got squished.
I really hope Shane wins the ECW title. He would make an awesome champ. Shane isn’t here tonight nor is Bobby Lashley. Vince puts out an open challenge to Umaga against anyone. He then makes it an IC title match and yet no one comes down. So now Vince wants someone from the crowd to take on Umaga. Vince points out a kid in the audience and he looks like he’sn going to cry. Vince picks out some guy and he comes in getting a nice pop.
“Do you understand English?” “Si, si”. Crowd erupts at that. He’s from somewhere in Italy. Vince explains to Santino Marlello that if he hurts himself it’s not Vince’s fault. Vince makes fun of Santino’s shoes (bright red) and here comes the ref.
IC Title Match: Umaga vs Santino Marella
Santino is getting big cheers as he takes Umaga to town. Santino gets a quick roll up for two. Vince stops the match and then announces it’s a no holds barred match.
NO DQ IC Title Match: Umaga vs Santino Marella
Armando slaps Santino and Santino slaps back. Umaga jumps him and hits a few headbutts and leg drops taking the crowd right out of it. Umaga hits a splash off the second rope followed by a scoop slam. Umaga heads up to the top and here comes Bobby Lashley!!! Lashley runs over Umaga. Down goes Estrada. Vince comes in with a chair which gets taken from him. Three chair shots to Umaga. Santino gets tossed on Umaga and gets the pin!
Winner and new IC Champion: Santino Marella
Well that was a stupid but cute spot.
Recap and the King is in with Santino. He’s quite happy.
Carlito is in the back along with Ric Flair. Carlito is going to hopefully be buried further tonight. Carlito doesn’t want to let Ric Flair down. They’ve got a match next.
WOO
Haas Job: Ric Flair and Carlito vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team
I really, really hope they job Carlito out to Haas. Carlito shoulderblocks Shelton to start. He screws up the hip toss though. That’s okay. He turns things around and cleans house. Shelton misses the Stinger Splash before getting dumped. Shelton tags in Haas, Flair gets tagged in. Ric dominates with chops and a chop block. He goes for the Figure Four, but gets dropped by Shelton. Haas takes over and Flair is our face in peril.
No clue what the crowd is chanting as Flair gets pounded by Haas and Shelton. Flair gets a few chops off, but he gets dropped by Haas. Flair pops back up and hits a side belly to back suplex. Tag to Carlito. Tag to Shelton. Carlito gets a few moves off before being T-Boned by Shelton.
Winners: World’s Greatest Tag Team
Looks like someone gets to be a heel again……… Cena/Rated RKO later tonight.
Last week, Michael made everyone on the IWC make a lot of racist jokes. It’s Maria! Cena gets tons of boos! Like a metric shitload of booing. Maria wants Cena’s thoughts about his handicap match against Edge. Shawn shows up to a huge pop! Shawn says he doesn’t have Cena’s back tonight. Next week Shawn will leave Cena on his back. Big HBK chant.
JR and JL tells us all about what’s going on in the WWE. There’s two Italian guys next to them….. ITALIAN ANNOUCER TABLE!!!!
Time for movie shit. What?
For those who are interested, here’s our new IC Champion.
In the back, Melina and Nitro make eyes at each other. Eugene pops in for no reason.
Next week, the Great Khali is in action….. we will fear him….. we will worship him……… we will feel crushing apathy to him…….
Speaking of apathy: Eugene vs Johnny Nitro
Nitro stomps out Eugene. Eugene retards up but gets dropped right on his head (doing no damage). Nitro hits the snapshot to no heat.
Winner: Johnny Nitro
Meanwhile in “Mulan” (nice JR) there are dresses. Diva fashion show is next.
We’re back. An Italian guy introduces the divas.
-Candice Michelle: Puts wings on her boobs.
-Victoria: Simple white dress. She nearly trips on the high heels so she ditches them!
-Mickey James: Pretty damn hot in jeans.
-Maria: Betty Boop! She’s moved into the 80s at least.
-Torrie Wilson: Alright. Pretty hot.
-Melina: Tarp!
Mickey James is the real winner. Italian guy says moon speaks it up with his moon speak. Moderate pop for Candice Michelle, boos for Victoria, moderate pop for Mickey James, big pop for Maria, huge pop for Torrie Wilson, boos for Melina. In fairness, this is the best Torrie has looked in a long time. Melina attacks Torrie Wilson. Maria tosses out Victoria! Faces celebrate in the ring.
Jeff Hardy vs Lance Cade
Massive pop for the Hardys. Not so much for the hicks. Jeff locks up with Cade to start off. Isn’t Jeff getting fired for drugs soon? Jeff gets the crowd into it before getting dropped. Scoop slam. Stomps. Irish whip into the corner but here comes Hardy. Whispers in the Wind followed by Hardy’s leg drop. Hardy pops up for an attempted Swanton, but Lance rolls out.
Now for some reason, Jeff has what looks like a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his back pocket. Lance Cade hits offense as Jeff is in trouble. Cade hits the BIG BOOT followed by a bit of cheating from Murdoch. Hardy hits a reverse mule kick, but Lance Cade is a-ok. He pops up and clotheslines Hardy for two. Arguing with the ref.
Hardy gets Irish Whipped into the ropes only to catch Cade with his head down. Hardy follows this up with a running forearm and a “swaying” neckbreaker. Jeff pops up top and tries the Swanton as Matt takes out Murdoch on the outside. Jeff lands hard on Lance Cade’s knees. Cade hits…. a clothesline for the win.
Winner: Lance Cade
More pimping of Austin’s movie follows.
Masters is the ring boring us all…. but that’s okay because here comes Super Crazy!
Super! Crazy! vs Chris Masters
Usually I don’t review Chris Masters matches because they’re terrible. This was a fun match though, but my computer crashed before I posted the recap. In summary, Super Crazy hits a few 360 Splashes before trying to float a wheelbarrow to a bulldog. Masters holds on and hits a combination that’s half electric chair, half belly to back suplex flattening Super Crazy.
Winner: Chris Masters
We come back and return into a recap of what happened early tonight. If you care…. scroll up. In the back, Edge and Orton kiss and make up. Their match with Cena is next.
Handicap Match: John Cena vs Randy Orton and Edge
There is one girl squeeling as Orton and Edge come down. Lots of pro Edge signs. Huge boos for Cena. Amazingly negative reaction to Johnny boy. A few women bounce in the background proving their whiteness. Cena starts out with Edge getting kicked in the gut. Cena reverse the Irish whip sending Edge hard into the corner. Cena follows this up with a fisherman’s suplex for two. Cena hits a couple of big blows to send Edge to the corner, but he gets kicked after a clean break. Tag to Orton.
Orton works his usual offense after Cena hits a few punches. Orton gets blind tagged out by Edge as Cena runs into a boot followed by an elbow drop to Cena. It’s amazing how negative the crowd is to Cena tonight. Final commercials for the night.
We’re back and Cena hits the Italian Announcers Table! Orton drops Cena across the announcer’s table and then rolls him back in. Orton runs his fist into Cena’s face taking it to a four count both times. Tag to Edge. Cena fights back with a couple of rights, but Edge stops him with the big boot. Tag to Orton who hits the standing drop kick. Punches by Orton followed with a knee drop.
Tag to Edge who comes in and nearly gets FUed. Edge counters with an Edge-o-matic though. Cena gets up, but he loses the battle of rights. Edge puts Cena on the top rope, but Edge gets dropped. Cena hits a top rope axe kick. Orton gets on Cena and here comes Shawn Michaels! Orton hits the ropes, but Michaels low bridges him. Cena hits his moves of doom, but he and Randy collide heads.
Edge is the first person up. He spears Orton accidently. Michaels measures Cena for a super kick, but he misses and hits Edge. Cena FUes Shawn Michaels and pins Edge for the win.
Winner: John Cena
Weird show, but lots of wrestling. I liked it. Not great but alright.
Good night all. May you and yours be safe.
The Inside Pulse
-Umaga lost the Intercontinental Title to Santino Marella via Lashleyference
-The World’s Greatest Tag Team defeated Ric Flair and Carlito with a T-Bone suplex to Carlito
-Johnny Nitro pinned Eugene after the Snapshot.
-Torrie Wilson won the love of a bunch of greasy I-talians.
-Chris Masters pinned Super Crazy
-John Cena beat Edge and Randy Orton via miscommunication and super kick hijinks.
