THE RABBLE IS HERE!
WET.. BUT HERE..
ON MY BIRTHDAY
SO WELCOME TO
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So I have no idea what’s going on in wrestling this week. It’s been one of those scattered weeks, and I’m already a shot of Jaeger in, and sipping on my Amber Bock.
If you turn on your local news, and see Bound Brook, NJ.. that’s one town over. We’re not underwater, but some of our friends our. We’re just soaking our livers.
I would also like to address something very special going on tonight with the Inside Pulse Forumers. You see, when a thread on the forums get too long it messes with peoples cookies, so sometimes a thread has to end. The Monday Night Rabble Thread, the official callback thread for the show has gotten too big. This is the last incarnation of this thread and I know the forumers are mourning it’s loss.
The rest of you don’t care though – so let’s get to the Rabble.
We’re in Italy with…
MIKE – Who brought me a Planet Terror figure with Chango-Leg!
HERNANDEZ – Who doesn’t drink liquids.. ask him.
BILL – Who we’re pretty sure likes dudes.
ERIC – Who eats dudes.. not sexually though.
JEFFREY – Who brings me booze!
JENNA – Who brings me thoughts of M&Ms
JILL – Who really doesn’t talk much
LAURA – Friend of Mike.. we have no idea..
DANI – She made my birfday awesome and I would never forget her…
And the Inside Pulse Forumers!
Starting the show though… is Coach? Strange.
“This set looks better than the standard Raw set.” – Eric
“They rented shit from the Vatican” – Bill
“Are they all going to have to speak in Italian?” – Dani
Michael, the temporary GM is going to get his match at Backlash, but tonight we’re going to see Randy & Edge versus Cena in a Handicapped match.
“Coach has one thing up on that kid though.” – Bill
“He’ll see next week?” – Me
“Bingo.” – Bill
And from the ‘Lateral Thinking’ file…
“So is the kid still alive this week?” – Insyder Soak1313
Here comes Vince though!
“You think he has enough money to get a hat that matches his suit?” – Eric
“THere are Italians with blubbering McMahon Heads on a stick.” – Bill
Vince gets to the mic, and the weird Italian people are chanting U S A… strange.
Anyway, he mocks the Italian people, and quesitons why it’s the fashion capital of the world. Bringing the fancam… and questions their fashion…
“They’re wearing YOUR clothes, moron.” – Bill
“Wait! They’re having a Diva Fashion Show because they are in Milan? …That’s gay.” – Dani
Vince then introduces Umaga.
“Named after an old Kirby monster.” – Bill
We get a flashback to last week’s Lashley beatdown.
Vince then regrets to us inform us that Shane is not here tonight. Shane’s got a problem with Italians… deoderant.
“Oh and he forgot his passport.” – Bill
So Vince makes an open challenge for Umaga.
“Brooklyn Brawler!” – Me
“IRS!” – Jeffrey
“Someone really Italian..” – Dani
“Eugene, poked with cattle prods.” – Bill
“Nunzio.. even though he’s fired.” – Eric
“Rosie!” – Eric
Nobody, in fact, comes out. So Vince goes to the audience. Are we going to see an Italian Jobber? HA GET IT! THE ITALIAN JOBBER!
This bit goes on way too long before Vince finally picks a crying 5 year old boy.
“Do you people really want any piece of Umaga?” – Vince
“Anything but this… it’s boring” – Bill
So he picks the Italian Indy worker. The Italian guy talks.
“Pizza Pizza” – Eric
“I miss Little Caesars” – Dani
So Santino, our Jobber, promises to never sue Vince… and the crowd screams all sortsa loud for the squashed guy. He takes off his shirt to reveal an entire lion tattoo on his back.. badass badass badass tattoo.
I want him to win.
“The soccer chants are killing me.” – Insyder Ellie
UMAGA vs. LIONBACK
Santino is badass.. I mark for Santino
Santino runs in and charges Umaga with big forearms. Then snap kicks to the back of Umaga’s leg but then dives out of being squashed.
He rolls Umaga up for two!
He pushes Umaga to the corner and Santino is on fire!
..then Vince stops it.. because that stops this from being exciting…
Vince makes this anything goes, brings in Armando and they explain to Santino that it’s no holds barred… Armando slaps him and he slaps him back!
Now Umaga charges him and leg drops him while Armando slaps him around a bit. Umaga hits a dropping headbutt. Sitdown squash spot. The only thing that will save him is Bobby Lashley running down.
Textbook slam and now Umaga heads to the top. HERE COMES LASHLEY! SLAMS HIM DOWN!
“That guy can wear a suit..” – Dani
Lashley goes nuts on Umaga, Armando, and here comes Vince with a char. Lashley catches it. Hits Umaga with it! THREE chairshots! Spearshot!
And Lashley puts him on top of Umaga. HE FUCKING WINS!!!
HE HAS THE IC TITLE!
THE WINNER: SANTINO MARRIELLA!
“I’m f*cking marking for new guy” – Me
“I like wrestling again!” – Mike
“I don’t care if Santino Morella was a plant that was cool I markerd out I will admit it” – Insyder Conner_Dursuren
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:24
We’re back and Lashley is in the ring with Santino interviewing with Lawler! Santino is getting major pops, Lashley gets none!
“Gratze Bobby! Gratze WWE! Gratze ITALIA!” – Santino
“The Rocky speech!!!” – Me
In the back, Carlito and Flair are discussing how nice Italy is. Carlito isn’t sure whether they should tag tonight. They knuckle pound and that’s it.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:30
Here’s Flair! Woo! A huge Italian Woo sign… nice.
“They did that because that’s all they can spell in English” – Jenna
FLAIR & CARLITO vs. THE WORLDS GREATEST TAG TEAM
“Yay Charlie!” – Eric
“We’re on a BRIDGE Charlie” – Me
“It’s a magical cancer Charlie” – Hernandez
“Wait, Flair, Carlito, Haas, Shelty, all in a ring at the same time! The Wwe actually likes me some days.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Match starts with Carlito and Shelton and hiptosses abound from Carlito.. some good.. some bad…
“It’s good we’ve gotten past Charlie vs. Shelton” – Bill
“Carlito is distracted by boobies, Torrie’s and Flair’s. How can any one expect him to concentrate in the ring.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Carlito hits a couple dropkicks, clotheslines Charlie over the top and Carlito is on fire. A tag to Charlie. A tag to Flair. Tie-up in the corner. Charlie on top, but we start the chopfest. Flair throws him to the corner and hits a back elbow.
Chopblock from Flair. Flair now goes for the leg and a shouldercheck from Shelton.
“And Flair is dead.. knocked the floppy skin off of him.” – Hernandez
Shelty gets tagged in and hits the back bodydrop. They drag Flair to the corner and fast tags between the two. Flair goes for the hot tag after a bit of wreslting. CARLITO IN!
Carlito goes nuts on Shelton, tosses him to the ropes and stiff kicks to his gut. Knee lift. Clothesline. Second rope back elbow and Shelty jumps RIGHT into it.
Carlito hits the ropes, leg caught by Charlie. Into the T-Bone. Done.
WINNER: SHELTY & CHARLIE
Meh-ish…. and Carlito is pissed at Torrie!
“I SHOULDA STAYED WITH BILLY, HE NEVER BEAT ME!” – Mike
“Billy Kidman rarely beat anyone!” – Eric
So Carlito is going heel.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:41
Commercial for the Four Horseman DVD..
“Greatest DVD ever..” – Mike
“Greatest DVD ever…” – Mike
“It’s the..” – Mike
“..Did you LIKE it Mike?” – Me
“It sucked so bad.. it rocked.” – Mike
Maria in the back… Darker hair… sokay. John Cena comes on out and he is getting boo’d to hell…
Maria wants Cena’s thoughts on his Handicapped match. She’s awesome.
Cena talks. Maria is cute.
HBK shows up. Maria stares on vacantly.
HBK talks. Maria follows along with her eyes like a tennis match.
They now show us the Italian versions of announcers.
“It’s a big fat Italian Taz.” – Me
“He kinda reminded me of the Blue Meanie.” – Insyder DarkStar
“And a pasty white Italian Michael Cole” – Bill
In the back Melina is talking with Nitro.. and Melina actually looks pleasant to the eyes. In runs Eugene who goes ‘HIIII’
“Almost as good as a ‘Damn’ – Mike
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:51
“If i ever see that ‘Berries and Cream’ guy I will punch him in the junk” – Insyder Soak1313
Amusingly, the Italian red carpet doesn’t roll out right. Here comes Nitro without Melina.
“How come he hasn’t been in action? Oh yeah, they don’t know how to use the midcarders.” – Mike
So here’s Eugene!
“Whenever I see him in that jacket I just think: “I Don’t Know”” – Insyder A Faceless Name
NITRO vs. EUGENE
Eugene heads in and he gets shoulderchecked to start. As Eugene gets up he tries to fight out, but only gets stomped down in exchange. Followed by a chokeout.
Nitro in the corner and Eugene charges and eats a backelbow. Nitro hits the top and drives his knee into Eugene. Sit down neckbreaker, the Snapshot.
Next – the Diva Fashion Show
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:58
Todd introduces some dude.. he speaks Italian.
“He’s the Italian Michael Buffer!” – Mike
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL” – Hernandez
Here comes Candice Michelle, wearing wings and a lil satin jammy.. not bad.
“I think she’s confused with the Victoria Secret thing.” – Dani
“Oooooooooooooooooooo” – Hernandez
Victoria in a white moomoo, she tosses her shoes and then struts.
“This is really dumb.” – Dani
“What is that?” – Jenna
“Not a lady to mess with?” – Bill
Here comes Mickie wearing jeans and a blouse. She looks pretty
And now Maria… Betty Boop. Motherf*cker. Mother. Fucker.
Torrie now.. whatever..
“Her legs are incredible muscular.” – Dani
“From all that running from Billy Kidman.” – Hernandez
“She’s not going to look good in High Def.” – Dani
Finally, Melina, wearing a really hot outfit.. but Maria wins. “She looks kinda like J-Lo” – Mike
“You are saying that because you don’t know any other hispanic girls.” – Me
“SO WHAT!?” – Mike
“We just think you need to meet people.” – Bill
So the Italian Announcers make people cheer… Maria Wins! They said that Torrie wins, but Maria really won.
The Italian chants rule! Dani notes that the announcer was playing the crowd to get them to cheer… anyway.. Melina attacks Torrie. Good girls clear the ring. Maria won. Shut up.
What do the Insyders think?
“Maria wins!” – Soak1313
“Oops and there goes Hatton’s pants. Happy birthday Rabblemeister.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Good to see that Maria moved out of the 50s and squarely into the 1980s.” – Insyder FuryK
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:09
JEFF HARDY vs. LANCE CADE
One on One…
“Where’s Cryme Tyme?” – Hernandez
“They didn’t bother to pay to ship them over.” – Eric
“This cheering for the Hardy’s pretty much brings in to question the sexuality of an entire nation.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“only now you’re questioning?” – Insyder MarioMario
Lock-up to start. Push to the corner. Cade locks up and backs up after a five count. Cade with a stiff boot to his gut and a big fist drops Jeff.
Cade slams him down. Cade tosses him to the corner, back elbow from Jeff and a spinning heel for two. Top rope for Hardy, but Cade bails and Jeff follows. Cade rolls in and then attacks Jeff as he heads on back.
Cade again throws Jeff out, and as Murdoch tries to capitalize, Matt stops the whole thing. Back in the ring, Jeff eats a stiff boot to the face. Stompy bits from Cade.
Finally Cade goes for an elbow and Jeff rolls. Jeff hits the spinning kick and as he charges into Cade, he eats an elbow.
Cade throws Jeff, throws a kick. Jawbreaker. Stiff forearm to Cade. Couple loose clotheslines. Swinging takedown. Jeff goes to the top! Murdoch distracts the ref… Swanton from Jeff.. KNEES UP!
Cade hits the Hanson style clothesline. That’s it.
WINNER: LANCE CADE
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:22
Masters is in the ring!?!??!? He still works for the company?!
Masters references great creators.. DaVinci… Michaelangelo..
HEY! HE’S SUPER! HE’S CRAZY!
“He’s also illegal!” – Hernandez
“He’s not on Atkins!” – Me
Lock-up to start. Crazy gets thrown to the ropes…. tries to leg sweep Crazy, but Masters no sells it to kick Crazy down. Throws him to the corner. Crazy hits the top rope and LAUNCHES a dropkick. Hits a flat dropkick in the ring and Masters is out.
Crazy suicides out of the ring! Awesome.
Moonsault from Crazy in the ring and Masters moves. Now Crazy eats some boots, and elbows, and then fights in the middle of the ring. Crazy goes for the crucifix, but Masters doesn’t sell it at all.
“Masters is SO strong!” – Lawler
“…Or juiced up!” – Jeffrey
Masters drops to his back. Knee into Crazy’s back. Crazy fights out of it. Snapmare from Masters. Back to the knee.
Again. Crazy fights out of it. HUGE dropkick from Crazy. Standing moonsault. Two count. Crazy now at the top. Wheelbarrow spot from Crazy, but Masters drops to his back sending Crazy down…. Pin… THE END.
“Ech” – Me
“And that my friends has been the longest match of the night, and probably the longest we went without a commerc…oh nevermind here they are now” – Insyder Soak1313
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:35
“They might as well rename it “Wwe BackLashley” and get it done.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Followed by The Great American Lashley, One Night Lashley Lashlance, No (body else but) Lashley, SummerSlashley, some other PPVs, Lashley Series, The Royal Lashley, December to Lashley, and Lashleymania.” – Insyder MarioMario
(10:43) – In the back RKO & Edge discuss their match with Cena. They get bitchy. It’s cute.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:45
(There’s a lot of filler I’m not writing)
Here comes Rated RKO!
And it’s Cena time! The Italian crowd HATES him!
EDGE & ORTON vs. CENA
We’re all drunk….
Cena starts with Edge… punches to Cena, but Cena throws Edge into the corner and hits the hanging leg suplex for two. Cena hits a snapmare and back to the feet, rings the arm and a roll-up for two.
Standing back up, Cena hits the headlock. Edge throws Cena to the corner and a tag to RKO. He stomps the hell out of Cena. Back to the feet Cena hits the cross corner bulldog.
“DO THE WORM!” – Mike
RKO on his feet coldcocks Cena and now goes right into the european uppercuts. I’m sure someone got thrown out of the ring.. Look.. I’m f*cking drunk.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:54
Back! Cena is on the apron with Edge. Edge charges him and he hits the announcers table… Tag to Orton!
RKO heads on out and he stomps him down on the announcers table. Throws Cena into the ring and big headpunchies from Orton.
“TECHNICALLY THAT’S A COVER!” – Eric
“Is he in the ring with him… COVER!” – Bill
Tag to Edge. Throws Cena to the corner and they go fist to fist. Continued beatings from Edge. Standard stuff. Tag to Orton. He hits the dropkick. Now Orton with the girly beatings onto Cena’s back.
“I HATE YOU I HATE YOU” – Bill
“I’m going to go shit in your bag!” – Mike
Orton tags in Edge now. Cena though picks him up to setup the FU. Edge fights out of it and sends Edge to the corner. Cena is placed at the top and they continue to fight it out. Finally Cena wins out and Edge falls and eats a top rope leg drop from Cena!
“Is this still a title match I wasn’t paying attention” – Insyder Conner Dunsuren
Here comes Michaels.
“Look at his bulge!” – Mike
“That’s Jesus.” – Bill
“That’s Jesus’ bulge?” – Me
In the ring, Cena hits Edge with the shoulder tackle. Blue Thunder. You Can’t See Me.
“It’s like Wrestlemania all over again.” – Bill
FU to Edge… Orton runs in and dropkicks Cena into Edge.. they all land on the ref. Now everyone is out!
“Pins all around!” – Me
Finally Edge to his feet.
“He loses as the only man not pinned…” – Me
“Oooo will Orton get speared?” – Mike
Edge sets the spear up. He runs. Charges. Cena moves. Orton eats it. Shawn’s in the ring. He sets up the Jesus Kick. Cena ducks. Edge eats it. Shawn eats the FU
Cena pins Edge!
“He misses Lita, look at his thong!” – Mike
“I do believe that now the only thong we have seen tonight has been Edge’s just now” – Insyder Soak1313
Now note – After the Jesus Kick and the FU… Shawn starts selling the FU… and by the end of the show, he’s STILL selling it.
So what did we all think of it?
“It was good. I like the Italian Jobber.” – Bill
“Nothing spectacular, but not horrible.” – Eric
“Best new wrestler… the Italian Guy.” – Jeffrey
“It kinda sucked.” – Jenna
“I wasn’t into the show tonight. Aside from IC changing.” – Hernandez
“Happy Birthday Jamie. I stayed the whole night.” – Dani
“The Italian dude he made me like wrestling for a hot minute.” – Mike
“It was alright.” – Jill
“It was alright, mad that Cena won and Hardy lost.” – Laura
Tags: Raw, WWE