AHA! (44)

Add Homonym Attacks! #44

Ad Hominem: Appealing to personal considerations rather than to logic or reason.
Ad Hominem Attack: An argument that focuses on a personal attack as opposed to the subject in question.
Add Homonym Attacks!: The process by which one inserts a homophone and it bites you.
(It also serves as the title to Inside Pulse Beyond the Threshold’s representative column in the world of Critical Thinking, Science and Skepticism.)


It’s Earth Day on Sunday, the only holiday we celebrate by turning off the water when we brush out teeth.

Or some shit like that.

I don’t really understand the holiday, but I think it has something to do with being a dirt-worshiping heathen (tm. Deadwood).

Happy Fucking Earth Day

It’s Earth Day, the day we celebrate this big hunk of dirt upon which we all live. (Save those commies in space, of course.) It’s also the day in which we lionize, Gaia, Mother Nature, Mother Earth, or some other such pagan goddess nonsense.

Boys and girls, nature does not want you to live.

Let’s look at our own design, which isn’t particularly intelligent. First off, human babies are helpless for a long, long, long time. Think about this thing. The life span of a sea turtle is comparable to the life span of a human. (The turtle can probably live much longer, but them’s the breaks.) Turtle eggs are abandoned on a beach. The eggs hatch and the baby turtles go to the ocean. Sure, some of them are picked off by birds and such, or run over by the occasional ATV, but for the most part these babies are born equipped for the world.

For a human, that would be like leaving your newborn at the hospital to find its own way home. Hell, you can’t even trust a 5 year old to do that thing. Nature does not want you to survive. Otherwise, why would any women die in childbirth?

Mother Nature is a bitch, and she wants to kill you.

Perhaps that conception doesn’t meet the expectations of many people. The “collected unconscious” (if there were such a thing, and there isn’t) would attribute human problems to a manly god, whereas mother nature would be left to defend all things green and womanly. That’s the weird separation I notice. (If your womanly separation is green, consult a doctor immediately.) We tend not to think of humans as part of nature. As such, we tend not to blame Mother Nature for SIDs, our shitty peripheral vision, B.O., superfluous toes, the Irish Curse, or menstrual cramps.

What can we pin on her though?

Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, deadly cold, lightning storms, and so on might be reasonable. I’d say deadly heat waves, but apparently those are my fault for driving a Taurus. Who knew?

And we haven’t even mentioned lions, tigers, grizzlies, a variety of snakes and sharks, and the surprisingly violent hippopotamus.

Even if we limit ourselves to plants, Mother Nature gives us nightshade, poison ivy, corpse flowers, cocaine, deadly toadstools, and Atlanta’s ludicrous pollen season.

What is that cunt’s problem anyway?

What I’m trying to say is: I’ve never tried to kill anybody, and I don’t get a holiday. You know, except for my Birthday, and Father’s day. I tried to steal some of the MLK day thunder, but was mostly shunned for that thing.