I’m so out of it on my own medication that it took Fleabag to point out the obvious to me. Golf is just getting weirder and weirder. We not only have the last two tournaments won by guys named Zach and Boo, something I pointed out in Tuesday’s column, but there was the situation that happened in Nawlins on Friday morning. As dawn broke on 420 Day, who should be leading the Zurich Classic but a young man named Kyle Reifers (pronounced as you think it’d be). Well, at lesat Calc surged into the lead. He’s part of a long-developing trend: guys who are on the cusp of the Champions Tour having a late surge on the PGA Tour and getting a few more wins before heading to Seniorsville. Your 1989 Champion Golfer Of The Year has already won once on tour this year (as has Fred Funk, who’s now over the hump and is playing on the senior circuit, and he’s won there too). I’m kinda rooting for him. Nawlins deserves a champion like him.
Speaking of 420 Day, people know that I’m for the legalization of cannabis sativa. I think that this year may just bring us closer to bringing over some of the Republican loonies who are still obsessed with Just Say No. The situation at VaTech has brought up the fact that April 20th is the anniversary of Columbine. Combine that with the fact that it’s Hitler’s birthday, and we need something to obscure things. What better choice than getting high? Remember, if you’re toking, you’re not shooting or Sieg Heiling. Light one up for America.
Also, this year, being high on pot might have assisted in watching Smackdown. Let’s see what occurred…
DAVE over Dave, Special Upper-Card Opener (DQ, FudgePacker-ference): Okay, so we’ve got a No Holds Barred Match coming up between UT and DAVE, right? FudgePacker’s holding MITB, right? He can challenge at any time for a world title shot, right? The time after a hard-fought, brutal match like an NHB would be the ideal time to cash in MITB, right? Just like Edge did after an Elimination Chamber Match, right? So why the hell is FudgePacker beating up Batista? Wouldn’t it be in his best interests to keep Batista fresh so he could soften up UT sufficiently for him to take advantage (assuming that UT retains the title)? Even if Batista wins the title back, the beating here makes no sense, because all FudgePacker is doing is softening him up for UT and keeping UT fresher for the NHB match, thus making it easier for him to win and harder for DAVE to soften up UT enough for FudgePacker to take advantage of it.
It’s called “logic”, folks.
Well, at least one Dave is enjoying himself
Our Lord and Savior and the Hardly Men over Chavito, Novocaine, and Montel (Submission, Helms submits to Benoit, Sharpshooter): Well, that was a mess. But with the Hardlys involved, did anyone expect anything different?
Of course, this match emphasized something unusual that I’m surprised no one’s talked about. It’s now definite that Chavito and Novocaine are the Hardlys’ main competition on Smackdown for the tag straps. Now, let’s talk about the motivation of Helms. He held the cruiser strap for nearly a year. Now he’s teaming up with the guy that he lost it to (not directly, of course, thanks to that gauntlet match). Are you telling me that he has zero desire to get the belt, a belt that he perceived as his and his alone, back? Where’s the backstage promo with him and Chavito setting up a Respect Match Among Heels for the cruiser belt? Of course, that would imply that the belt is actually defended once in a while. It seems like so long ago when the cruiser scene was being pimped as the main difference between Smackdown and Raw, huh?
And this is yet another opportunity to explain a name that I’ve used for a long time that some newbs might not understand. Obviously, “Novocaine” goes back to Helms’ superhero days as a rhyme for his title, and expresses the fact that his matches in that period left me numb. They still do. He’s one of the most boring cruiserweights around, subsuming any sort of style that he had in his WCW days to WWE-Style Wrestling. So this name change stays.
And one final thing: did High-Quality Speaker Boy really reference Chono and Hansen? Every week, he pulls something new out of the bag, and every week, I’m more and more amazed. And we actually had doubts about him when he took over from Tazz?
Oh, you know where I’m going with this one
Douche and Dildo over Team Twink Porn, Tag Title Rematch (Pinfall, Domino pins Kendrick, snap side kick to face, New Tag Champions): Why? We already had our Obligatory Overseas Tour Title Change on Raw. And what makes Douche and Dildo so special that they have to get the tag titles? Oh, wait, there’s always the match against the Hardly Men for Title Versus Title, or as I call it, How To Give Even Less Than A Shit About The Tag Divisions On Both Shows.
Oh, Doctor Who can’t download fast enough right now. Daleks destroying Noo Yawk…oh, Russell knows what turns a man on.
Aw, how cute, Kendrick’s pretending that he’s tough
Mister Jacobs over Mister Regal and Mister Taylor, Handicrap…no, it wasn’t crappy, was it? (COR): So, we have Douche and Dildo winning the tag titles. Meanwhile, the Blue Bloods are stuck in a handicap match against Kane. Anyone else getting Does Not Compute errors?
Well, they do have a chance to make up for this situation next week. They’ll be in London at Earl’s Court. Obviously, Regal and Taylor will be faces there. Team Twink Porn won’t be involved, so all of the Earl’s Court gayboys won’t have anyone else to cheer for. Another tag title switch, this time to a team that deserves the titles and will uphold them in a proud fashion? Sounds good to me.
The dreaded European Nose Pinch
The Undertaker over FudgePacker, Non-Title Match (DQ, Finlay-ference): I didn’t realize this until Kace pointed it out to me. The Undertaker now has victories at Wrestlemania over all four members of Evolution. I don’t know if that says more about UT or more about the status of Evolution that they became UT victims. Probably the former given UT’s track record of opponents at WM. Thanks, Kace.
Well, that’s one way to shut him up
Nothing except for the whole Jillian/Michelle thing, which absolutely reeked, so I’m not discussing it. From my understanding, the impetus for the whole Jillian thing has ended due to someone named Sanjaya being voted off American Idol, so that’s a good thing.
So, what have I got set? Well, I’m going to go right from this into a DVD review, then hopefully do another, probably tomorrow (no PPV this weekend, which means I have time). I’m getting the stitches out of my knee on Monday, but I’ll still be laid up. I’ll probably get another album review done next week in addition to everything else, which clears off my plate for now.