APRIL 24TH
Arctic Monkeys – Favorite Worst Nightmare
I expect this band to follow the highway chosen by Jet. A catchy, fun debut and a crash and burn sophomore. A lot like the goth kids in my high school.
Yoko Ono – Open Your Box (Remixes)
I wonder if this is her answer album to the Beatles/Jay-Z remix called The Grey Album. Apparently, this is a remix of a single she did in 2002. Talk about grasping at straws.
MAY 1ST
Tori Amos – American Doll Posse
My high school crush on her is brewing up again. I haven’t listen to her in years. A little while back she did a wonderful cover of “Famous Blue Raincoat†that I suggest you find.
Feist – The Reminder
My adult crush is brewing again. This is the best artist I ever found by watching The O.C.… I mean, by listening to Broken Social Scene, of which she is a member. I wouldn’t watch The O.C. What with it being canceled and all. Stupid Fox, canceling the good shows and leaving on crap like Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
MAY 8TH
Bjork – Volta
Bjork is a lot like Picasso. She’s proven to me that she can make wonderful music so even though I may not understand a lot of her stuff; I give her the benefit of the doubt.
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony – Strength & Loyalty
I don’t know anything about this album or BTNH. I just wanted to sound cool.
Mice Parade – Mice Parade
I love the 2005 album Bem-Vinda Vontade and I suggest you all go out and get it. Now, it is pretty ballsy to make your 6th album your self-titled album. That is saying, this is our album… this is exactly what defines us.
Elliot Smith – New Moon
Dear God, he is turning into the Tupac of the indie rock world. If I have to listen to any more Elliot Smith I just may kill myself, then my crappy student films will be released upon an unsuspecting populace and told they are genius.
The View – Hats Off to the Buskers
This is one of the best albums of the year. How do I know? It was released in the UK already. We live in a world where information is completely digital. How stupid are record companies that they are still postponing a US release date on a UK album? It’s not like they have to send the reels by boat to the US and press the records. Lily Allen was huge everywhere in the world except the US because they felt it was better to postpone the release. Now no one cares about her. Except me. Love you, Lily.
Linkin Park – Minutes to Midnight
They tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end, no one really cares. You’re 40-year-old men singing about high school. Grow up.
Rufus Wainwright – Release the Stars
It is hit or miss with this man. I’d say listen for the single; if it is good, then go for the album.
Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
If you live in Chicago then you have probably already heard the album because you couldn’t wait so you found any illegal means necessary to find it. For me, it went from amazing to annoying in three listens. A new record.
Hanson – The Walk
Ummmmmmmm. Don’t stone me, but they seem legit. They have grown up and seem pretty happy in obscurity. They play the Metro when they come to Chicago—most bands on the out-and-out play the House of Blues or Hard Rock Café, clinging desperately to the pretense they once held.
Maroon 5 – It Won’t Be Soon Before Long
Stupid title for a stupid band. People seem excited so I figured I should mention it. Their last album was from 2002, people! We all know what happens to bands that have one… ahem… great album and then wait 5 years for the next one.
The Rumor Mill…
These bands are rumored to have an album coming out soon. I’ve had an album that is rumored to be coming out soon, but I don’t think there is enough buzz.
Animal Collective… Quick, before this album comes out, go and get their old ones. It’s like taking a handful of psychedelic drugs without all the goblins.
The B-52’s… I don’t think anyone wants a bit of that Love Shack. The tin roof is no longer rusted, it’s waking up in the middle of the night with hot flashes and mood swings.
Devendra Banhart… From crazy bearded street performer to crazy bearded stage performer. I still love ‘em.
Beastie Boys… I give them credit for not dying their grey hair, but still. Come on, fellas.
The Black Eyed Peas… This album is going to suck so hard I actually feel bad for them. Except for Fergie, I’d feel her other ways. As long as I don’t have to look at her twisted face.
Coldplay… Even Coldplay is trying too hard to sound like Colplay.
The Cure… I am a nerd and I am excited for this album. Are the two connected? Probably.
Dexy’s Midnight Runners… This is not a joke. It is their first album in 22 years. Come on, Eileen indeed.
Duran Duran… Not as excited as I am about The Cure (Or even Dexy’s for that matter)
The Eagles… This is their first album since ’79. I think the Baby Boomers need to stop buying albums.
Lupe Fiasco… I hate this rapper and he’s from Chicago. I’m supposed to stick by Chicago artists no matter how much they suck. In reality though, this may be good. He seems like a nice guy. Rhymefest could take him in a fight, you know, if they weren’t both peaceful Muslims.
Final Fantasy… This boy is the next big thing. Get into him before it’s too late.
Foo Fighters… If they are any reflection of where Nirvana would be today if Kurt lived, I don’t want to say I’m glad he’s dead but…
Fugees… Hooray!!
Noel Gallagher… But who is he going to fight with on stage?
Guns N’ Roses… Yeah, right.
Iron & Wine… Once I heard him at an IHOP the magic was gone.
Michael Jackson… He needs a man to stand next to him and just yell, “Stop It!†over and over again.
Kid Rock… He looks like a parrot. No parrot-man can ever act tough.
Courtney Love… I think her and Kid Rock should hook up. Could you image the children? It’d be like cockroaches. They’d survive a nuclear blast.
The Magnetic Fields… If you don’t have 69 Love Songs then your life is incomplete.
Moby… Forget whatever this album is. What you need to do is get Animal Rights. It is raw, angry, and sexual. Like no Moby you have ever heard before.
The New Pornographers… They could shit in a garbage can and I would love it. That’s kind of sad.
Nine Inch Nails… No, this isn’t an outdated article. They are already rumored to have a follow up to Year Zero.
Pixies… Anything is better than Frank Black’s solo album.
Portishead… I am surprised and excited… and very worried. I don’t want their image in my head to be tainted.
The Postal Service… Frat boys hug one another to Postal Service songs. But the band is good. This list has made me very conflicted.
Radiohead… Sure, whatever. Three hours of ambiance and this record would go gold. Frankly, Thom, I don’t give a damn.
Roxy Music… Eno’s back in Roxy form. The original line up. This is the year for making amends.
Britney Spears… Rumor has it she trained her vagina to sing.
The Streets… Angry, white and British. How can you go wrong for a rapper? Oh wait.
Tape ‘N’ Tapes… If you haven’t heard The Loon then I feel sorry for you.
Ween… Ween is that band you love but always forget about. They…wait, what was I saying?
Kanye West… I can’t believe Jesus found time in his busy schedule to make an album. Good for him.
Wu-Tang Clan… My doo-rag was getting pretty dusty. Time to place it atop my crown and listen to two hours of kung-fu movie clips and swearing children.
Also, Aerosmith, Big Boi, British Sea Power, Built To Spill, Dido, Dirty Pretty Things, Doves, Earlimart, Elbow, Gnarls Barkley, PJ Harvey, hot Chip, Hot Hot Heat, Annie Lennox, Liars, Madvillain, Paul McCartney, Oasis, Okkervil River, Polyphonic Spree, R.E.M, Rilo Kiley, Super Furry Animals, US, Gillian Welch, Rachael Yamagata, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
