TONIGHT’S A WRESTLEMANIA
SURE WHY NOT.
OH, I KNOW WHY.
IT’LL PROBABLY SUCK.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Hey, we’re a couple of weeks away, and I mean removed, from Wrestlemania. Let’s see if things are interesting or not. I vote not, with a few moments of awesome.
Here are tonight’s Rabbl-ites:
ERIC – HERNANDEZ – BILL – JENNA – JEFFREY – MIKE – LAURA
Your Rabbleteer – James Hatton – Me
And of course, the Inside Pulse Insyders!
Now again, before we begin – let me reiterate that the forum has gotten so popular, we’re on it’s third incarnation. This is how Insyder Chuckles decided to start us off:
“We always post pics of Maria for james, so to start off the first monday night raw of the 3rd version thread, I figured I throw Dani a few pics for once.”
So now that we got that out of the way…
We’re live in London annnnd…
HERE COMES THE MoOoOoOnNnNnEyYyYy… Shane time!
“And again, no Dani in sight.” – Me
First, Shane explains that they’ve taken care of Bobby Lashley, since he’s helped shave Vince’s head and Umaga lose the IC title.
Then we get a video package where Santino beats Umaga. I admit, I will probably mark for Santino until he gives me a reason not to.
“If you look really quick, he looks like a smaller framed Kurt Angle.” – Me
Shane says “santino morella” almost disgusted.
“Who the hell is that?” – Bill
Shane explains that since this is ‘St. George’s day’
“He’s going to slay a dragon?” – Jeffrey
He’s going to make someone slay a dragon. Him.
“Toldja.” – Jeffrey
“I would sooooooooo take an ass whippin’ from Shane O’ Mac.” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
“Thats not all you’ld take from him.” – Insyder Chuckles
So he’s going to pick someone from the England audience to face him in a NO DQ match. He works the crowd a little…
“And picks a woman.” – Bill
“The next diva.” – Jeffrey
He points out Jose Mourinho, a soccer guy. So he introduces some guy… Robbie Brookside… an English Indy guy. He kinda looks like Edge.
“He’s got the same jawline.” – Eric
“Kinda looks like Jay.” – Jeffrey
“I dub thee… Edge Before Roids!” Insyder RJ45
SHANE vs. THAT GUY
“Let’s watch jobber guy lose.” – Me
Shane with a basic takedown and a couple of armdrags… Elbow to his back. Shane just takes the kid down a lot. Shane apparently rules. Fieldgoal kick or two.
He sets Guy up in the corner… throws the trash can on good ol Nigel’s face.
“Here.. hold this.” – Bill
And Shane is heading up to the top! HITS THE TERMINATOR! Nice air. England guy = Dead.
“Look, he’s cousin it… sorry, that was a lame comment.” – Mike
So Shane goes and grabs a mic and explains to the unconscious guy that it’s a 2 on 1 handicapped match. So he introduces Umaga.
“Can he do that?” – Bill
“Shane can.” – Me
“Oh boy… here comes the twist nobody saw coming… SHRIVELED MONKEY PENIS!” – Insyder RJ45
SHANE & UMAGA vs. DEAD GUY
Umaga beats Gunther in the corner.. then the butt-bump. Then the flying squash. Seriously, let the guy die.
Oh! Now Shane makes it a 3 on 1 Handicapped match…
Here comes Vince!
SHANE & UMAGA & VINCE vs. SERIOUSLY DEAD GUY
He looks awesome in a hat..
“He puts on a hat and he goes colorblind.” – Bill
“Why is Vince dressed like a 1960’s collage football coach?” – Insyder Conner Dunsuren
“Duh…they’re in england…thats current there.” – Insyder Chuckles
So here comes Vince in his Soupy Sales outfit.
“I just want to see him with an apple in front of his face.” – Me
Vince pins him.
“AND VINCE PUTS HIM OVER!” – MIKE
“How awesome would Vince be as Alex from Clockwork?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:17
Oh YeaaaaaaHHH – Here come the Hardy…
Matt’s facing Murdoch. I can only assume, really.
MATT HARDY vs. MURDOCH
Flannel For The Win
“HEY I just realized there in England. That means Murdoch won’t have the worst teeth there” – Insyder Conner Dunsuren
Murdoch throwing Matt into the corner. Murdoch fights out of it with clubbing blows. Lock-up. Side headlock from Murdoch. Hardy tries to fight out of it. Murdoch almost falls out of the ropes, but Matt hits a clothesline. Bodyslam for two.
Matt takes him into the corner and a few whips back and forth.
Murdoch fights out of it and a few clubbing shots takes from Murdoch.. then into a sleeper.
“When I hit you. YOU STAY DOWN WHITEBOY!” – Me
Matt fights out of the sleeper. Hits the ropes and eats a backelbow. Murdoch now drags him to the corner. Hits the second rope and eats an elbow with NOBODY there.
“Few call him the ‘high flying Murdoch'” – Me
“He’s more like the hard falling” – Bill
Matt gets a two on the pin. Back to their feet and Matt hits the side effect for two. Nice finisher.
Matt now to the second rope… he screams in a Hardy like fashion and hits a legdrop. Distraction by Cade. Murdoch hits a flipping sitdown powerbomb. The end.
WINNER: MURDOCH (Toldja so)
Maria’s in the back… she’s in a white breastful outfit.
Now timed for our clip of the Condemned.
Not so nice.
COMMERCIAL TWO: 9:30
THEY ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES… Triple H tells us this.
“It’s Time For Public ACCCESSSSSSS” – Me
“Does the showing of Triple H during that screen, imply that we’ve torn a quad electronically.” – Bill
“This is why I hate wrestling.” – Mike
Here comes Melina…
“See, those are some boots.” – Laura
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t be f*cking her feet.” – Me
“You know you like it like that.” – Mike
“And Melina Moon has hit the ring.” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
MELINA vs. MARIA
Melina hits her… she falls. Goes back and throws her down.
Melina then throws her down and the catfight goes on..
“NOT MY FACE! That’s the moneymaker.” – Mike
Maria hits the headscissors takedown. Hits a clothesline to the knees.. badass. Another. Melina hits the hairpull takedown. The end… THE END!?!??!
Maria in the ring.. grumpy.. poor thing.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:39
Khali’s in the ring.
KHALI vs. CARLITO
“Did they just tell us undefeated on Raw.” – Me
“Yes.” – Eric
“By that rationale, I’M undefeated on Raw.” – Me
Match begins. Khali headbutts Carlito a lot.
Khali picks him up… Carlito rakes the eyes. He goes for the missle dropkick.. and one sidestep later, Carlito is clubbed down.
“wow khali moved out of the way of that with such cat like reflexes!” – Insyder Soak1313
There’s probably more, but I wasn’t watching.
WINNER: THE GREAT KHALI
Flair comes down.. they begin to argue. Ooooo Tension…
“I would have given any money for Flair to grab a mic while Carlito was yelling at him in Spanish and just go…”What the FUCK did you just say to me boy?”” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:48
Mick is here… and he’s wearing a sports coat.. RIGHT HERE IN LONDON ENGLAND. He explains the main event at Backlash. Here comes Edge. They highfive and Edge wants to talk.
He thanks Edge for bringing Michael Pena. He thanks Mick for the fatal fourway.
“Too bad Michael’s dead now” – Insyder Soak1313
“The cancer gimmick had legs. they should have let the kid run with it.” – Insyder JollyPhatman
I don’t care how cheap that joke is.. still gets me – Me
So tonight, he’s looking forward to watching Shawn and Cena fight for the title. Blase Blase. Then he’s going to face Orton…. but wait… Orton/Edge is the main event!? I smell shenanigans.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:55
“Oh wow, we have almost made it an hour with out the berry’s and cream guy” – Insyer Conner Dunsuren
Shawn’s coming on down to the back.
“He’s looking really black right now..” – Mike
“He’s just dirty.” – Me
“Maybe he speaks jive.” – Mike
“I SPEAK JIVE!” – Me
“And someone didn’t spray HBK’s tan on evenly.” – Insyder CapnMichaelMyers
“Maybe the tanning artist just lost his smile?” – Insyder Jolly Phatman
And here’s Johnnnnnn CENA!
“And it’s a white John Cena!” – Bill
They talk in subdued tones.
“And John gives his version of ‘Death of a Salesman” – Bill
It’s Shawn’s music.
Hey, Shawn time.
SHAWN vs. JOHN
I predict: Clusterf*ck.
Mike predicts: Shawn freaks out.
Bill predicts: I’m not predicting.. I’ll get kicked in the face.
Eric predicts: Clusterf*ck, and we haven’t heard a main event to the show.
“Or we could have the good match we were supposed to have for Wrestlemania.” – Bill
“If we get that match.. I’m going to call for my $50 back.” – Mike
“Can we not watch this match again.” – Jeffrey
“Shut up, we’re obligated.” – Me
Bell rings, and we’re off…
Shawn takes the lead with the armwrapping.. fireman’s carry. Back to their feet.
They have a few takedown exchanges to rev the crowd. It fails.
John almost hits the STFU…. Shawn bails. Weak.
Back to the feet.. more lock-up exchange. John hits a drop toehold, goes for the STFU… Shawn bails. John taunts.
Lots of waiting.
Shawn hits the backlock…. John fights… John reverses. Takedown. STFU… Denied. John mocks. Keeps making the ‘Almost’ gesture.
They go nose to nose and start yelling.
“SLAP HIM!” – Mike
Shawn slaps him. John punches him.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:11
We’re back. They are still yelling at each other. Run in. Lock-up. Side headlock takedown from John. Headlock takeover from John.
As you see.. we’re not talking. We’re talking amongst ourselves about Mike’s match this past weekend. He faced Deranged. It was totally better than this match. As a note, here’s what the Rabble had to say:
“Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock! Headlock!” – Insyder RJ45
“Oh like you’ve never put your “head” in a “lock”” Insyder Chuckles
“i’ll head your lock” – Insyder JollyPhatman
Shouldercheck from John to Shawn. Back and forth. Lots of mat work. Sitting headlock from John to Shawn. Clothesline. Right back to the headlock.
“Every town we go in, the reaction to John Cena is different” – Lawler
“Sometimes they even cheer him!” – Jeffrey
Shawn and John in the corner now. Choppy exchange. Woo.
John hits a big clothesline and a pin for two. Headlock takedown from John. Back to holding. John hits a couple shoulderchecks. Shawn gets up and throws the superkick. John backs up.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:21
Hey.. more shit. I mean that legit. More shit.
“This match has been going for 25 minutes.” – Jeffrey
“And still sucks.” – Bill
Shawn takes John corner to corner. He hits a snapmare… and it looks like John hurt his nose.
There’s a rope exchange. John catches the flying Shawn. Drops down on Shawn for two. John picks up Shawn. Throws Shawn to the corner. Kick in the gut. Suplex. Two count.
“For some reason I believe this match would be better as the main event at Wrestlemania.” – Me
John hits the flipping neckbreaker. Two count. Back on their feet… fighty fighty. Shawn hits the ropes. Eats a back bodydrop. Pin for two.
John hits a suplex… more fist to fist. Shawn hits a crossbody. Both are out. Mike Chioda counts.
“They are in England.. they should do this in English.” – Me
Shawn hits the atomic drop.. couple of punches. Top rope. Hits the elbow. FINALLY..
“CRAZY TIME.” – Bill
J E S U – Misses.. Shawn grabs for the backslide for two. Shawn drops as John goes for the crossbody, sending him outside the ring. Nice miss actually.
“You know we’re watching a great match for free, and we paid for a shitty one.” – Mike
Shawn does a flying dive over the top rope. Leaps… Cena catches him! Shawn leaps behind him. Charges him into steps.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:32
We’re back… Throwing Cena into the cornerpost.
“John’s outside the ring… COMMERCIAL BREAK!” – Me
Shawn runs John off the top ring rope. Drags him in the ring. Shawn starts working the arm… a very useful manuever when your finisher is the superkick. (Actually, it’s psychology based on the corner post spot.. but whatever.)
Shawn puts him into a reverse Rings of Saturnish bit… rolls Cena up for a pin a few times.. not bad.
Back to the feet. Shawn throws John – reversed – kick to John’s gut. Clothesline from Cena.. Two shoulderblocks. Hits the blue thunder. He yells at his arm – no seriously. Pumps the shoes. Wastes time for the You Can’t See Me.
“We can see you fine.” – Eric
Hits the Shuffle. Sizes up Shawn. Goes for the FU… Shawn’s out. Ducks the superkick. Hits the FU… Shawn kicks out!
“Shawn has found Triple H” – Eric
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:39
We’re back. Fighting on the outside. John grabs him for a spinebuster.. then throws him into the cornerpost outside. Rolls Shawn in. Some fieldgoal kicks. Bodyslam for two!? WHY THE HELL IS HE PINNING OFF OF A BODYSLAM!?
John uses a bearhug? Sure… locks in a bearhug.
“Shawn’s feet are on the ground.” – Eric
“I just wanna see Shawn go ‘I’m done.. I’m bored’ and leaving.” – Jeffrey
“Why doesn’t he just trip him. His leg is right there?” – Laura
“Suspension of disbelief.” – Me
“This should be an iron man match…” – Eric
Shawn hits some back elbows. Throw to the ropes, but John drops the top rope and Shawn heads out. He heads out, throws Shawn in and hits the top rope. John hits a top rope legdrop! Not a bad spot. Pin for two. See THAT was a reasonable pin.
John now picking up Shawn. Brings him to the top turnbuckle. I predict fight for a superplex. John gets up to the top. Picks up Shawn for a top rope FU! Shawn fights out of it…
Happens twice – and Shawn drops behind him and hits a powerbomb! Wow.
Both are out again. Both are back up. Shawn tries to lock up the STFU… Shawn kicks him out. Shawn on his feet. John on the outside apron. Shawn hits the ropes… and John eats the announcer table.
“Almost time for a commercial break.” – Me
“Do you think they told the audience it was an iron man match?” – Eric
Shawn heads out. Sets up the steps and picks John up on the steps for a piledriver. John blocks twice. Back bodydrop. Shawn’s out. John’s in.
“Toldja.” – Me
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
We are back and they are fighting on the announce table. John is yelling at the referee and tosses Shawn into the ring. Puts Shawn in the STFU. Finally.
“We’re not getting another match.” – Bill
“Unless it’s Viscera versus someone.” – Me
“Do you realie they are just laying there with each other?” – Hernandez
“Yeah… awww, they’re spooning” – Laura
Shawn gets the ropes. John sizes up Shawn now. Shawn climbs up. FU… DENIED. SUPERKICK… HIT! Shawn crawls for the pin! John’s right by the ropes…. just pointing it out.
Shawn finally gets the pin. ONE.. TWO… Arm grabs rope. I’m surprised.
John walks across the ropes with his arms.
“When did he become Born on the Fourth of July?” – Me
“Isn’t the joke supposed to get funny again?” – Bill
They fight to their feet. Chopfest. Shawn gets thrown… bounces… FU… SHAWN LANDS ON HIS FUCKING FEET! SUPERKICK!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS
“This was a good opener!” – Hernandez
Amazingly hot ending. But the irony… it wasn’t for the title..
Shawn now walks to the title that is lying with John.
“..are you alive? I’m going to take this..” – Hernandez
Shawn now holds the belt over John.
“Now drop it on his head!” – Hernandez
He leaves it on John. Hits the DX chops… and we’re out.
So, the show? As you can see the Rabble and the forumers both kinda went dead for the LONG LONG MATCH… At the bottom of this post though will be what the forumers talked about during the 45 minutes. It’s NOT SAFE FOR WORK and it’s OFFENSIVE TO WOMEN and it’s FUCKING HOT
So now what did the Rabble think?
“I dunno.” – Bill
“*waves a hand*” – Jenna
“That was an awesome opener” – Hernandez
“There was more show in that last four minutes.. that I forgot it all.” – Eric
“Thumbs down” – Mike
“Thank god Cena lost.” – Laura
“I would have liked that match at wrestlemania.. at Raw.. it was weird.” – Me
See you next week kids. (And I’ll be at Pittsburgh Comicon this weekend, in case you are around.)
Oh – and here’s that NOT SAFE FOR WORK picture… thanks Insyders!
Tags: Raw, WWE