The ECW Short Form, 04.24.07

Rosie’s leaving The View OH NOES!! What will America’s daytime-viewing women do without guidance from America’s most popular overweight lesbian?

Hmmm, wonder how fast Keller will put up a notice from some spastic out there saying “Batista’s mentioned in Gregg Easterbrook’s Mock Draft article at espn.com! Go there and read it and worship at the feet of pro wrestling!”? That’s why I never go to the Torch. When they got in the habit of saying that it was news when any C-list celebrity wore a wrestling T-shirt, it was quite a blow to their integrity as actual news reporters.

Uh, Steve, let me just say this: there’s a difference between a one-hour match with Shawn Michaels and John Cena and a one-hour match between Shawn Michaels and someone who can wrestle. I may call Bret Hart overrated, but I acknowledge that he could definitely wrestle. Their WM12 match had great pacing. This one was choppy as hell and slow because Cena would blow up if it wasn’t. It showed, and it took away from the match. That’s what I meant by my remarks.

Now, the personal stuff. Oh, did I make a mistake yesterday. I hit Wally World on the way back from my interview yesterday afternoon looking for a digital pocket recorder so I wouldn’t have to carry around a notebook on Saturday at the ROH show. They had none. That means I had to go to…Fry’s.

Let me explain my relationship with Fry’s. It’s the same relationship that Ryder has with male prostitutes: my wallet will be hoovered. To me, it’s the Toys For Boys superstore. Please note that I haven’t been paid since the 12th and won’t start getting paid again until the 7th. Going into Fry’s when I’m not making any money is an act of sadomasochism that would make Slayer drool with envy. Either I get hoovered and regret it later, or I beat myself up because I don’t get something. I actually moved to Clarendon Hills for two reasons: it was a good balance between my work locations, visiting my mother, and rent; and it’s fifteen minutes from Fry’s.

Naturally, they had digital recorders there. It’s f*cking Fry’s. After trying to decide for ten minutes between models and such, I picked up a Sony one. Now, I normally don’t buy anything from Sony due to the rootkit fiasco, but it was the one that hit the sweet spot between features and price. Good recording time, 256M of flash memory, USB interface (same USB interface as my phone, so I’m grateful for the extra cable), etc. Sixty bucks. A little more than I wanted to spend, but, hey, it’s something I need if I want to do this interview.

Then I made the mistake of taking a piss. If I hadn’t, I probably would have rushed out of there to my next stop (something to eat). But, no, my bladder was empty, and that meant one thing: I could continue shopping. I have an external case with a dead hard drive, and I need a replacement, and, look, the 500G PATA Maxtors are on sale for $120. Oops, I’m running out of blank DVDs. Gotta get a hundred pack of those. Oh, wait, they’ve got the DL blank DVDs on sale for $21 for a fifteen-pack, and I’m getting sick and tired of having to use WinRAR to split up huge game downloads and put them on multiple DVDs. Oh, hey, I need a new flashlight; you don’t know how important a flashlight is on my job. And while I’m in that aisle, might as well tits up the one I have. LED retrokit and a variable clickswitch for that one. Better head toward the check-out. Ooooh, they’ve got 1G microSDs on sale for $15. Better pick up a spare since I couldn’t get the 2G one I bought to work with my phone. And, hey, Ghiardelli caramel-filled chocolates…my doctor recommends some snacking to keep my blood sugar up since the medication does tend to send me into hypoglycemia. Whip out the Discover card; it’s got nothing on it right now and I’ll get the cashback bonus to boot.

$300 out the poop chute because I needed something to take notes at the show on Saturday. Shit, Widro’s not even paying my gas money from here to Chicago Ridge. The things I do for this site.

It’s almost as bad as watching ECW, but I do that too…

Match Results:

Bobby Lashley over Jamalga, PPV Pimp Match (DQ, Osama-ference): So, now the pattern’s clear. Lashley gets the crap beaten out of him should he show up on Raw or Smackdown, but he’s invincible on his home show. There’s a word for that. That word is “pandering”. However, full credit to Osama for selling every bit of the beating Lashley gave him. There’s not too many managers these days that’ll do that sort of service for their clients.

Participants in the rarely-seen Loser Has To Work Tuesday Nights Match

Gene Snitsky over Balls Mahoney (Pinfall, kick to the head): Look, it’s Balls Mahoney jobbing to Gene Snitsky. What do you expect me to do, go off on some six-graph dissertation or something? There’s nothing to say. The only problem here is that they’re not doing anything with Snitsky right now. All they’re doing is keeping him in front of the camera for some future unknown purpose. And not even they know what that is right now. Yippie.

There’s a joke here to be made about getting a firm grip on your Balls, but I’m not making it

Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Sandman, and Tommy Dreamer over Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, Kevin Fertig, and Monty Brown, But This Time It’s An Elimination Match (Burke pins Sandman, rollup; Van Dam pins Striker, split-legged moonsault (when was the last time that got a pinfall?); Monty pins Sabu, Pounce (and Joey referred to it as such; FINALLY!); Monty DQed, Pissed Off Ref; Dreamer pins Fertig, Dreamer DDT; Burke pins Dreamer, Elijah Express; Van Dam pins Burke, Five-Star Frog Splash): Another good main event match between the Originals and the New Breed, another milestone in the development of Elijah Burke (he and Van Dam have quickly developed a great chemistry with each other; maybe they’ll start tagging together one of these days?). Good pacing, good pinfalls, Angle Advancement was just at about the right level…well, except for the fact that they’re pushing this too fast, something Blatt and Murray are also saying. All in all, I enjoyed this far more than the bore-fest that was the main event on Raw.

Yes, homocidal, suicidal, genocidal, we get it

Angle Developments:

Nothing except for the Burke/Punk situation. Well, it’s now crossed the line, really. If Punk is there for the swerve, as most of us here predicted when it happened, then they’re doing it in a very ham-fisted way. If they’re trying to repeat the Nation of Domination storyline with Punk playing the role of Flex, well, there are those of us here who vividly remember that, and there’s one person here that will be driven into a genocidal rage (hint: you’re reading him right now). If this is a way to turn Burke face and provide a plot twist in the bargain, I’ll give them credit. Nothing until the judgment’s in.

Okay, that’s it for today. I’ll try to get a DVD done, then have some fun tomorrow morning getting a laser pointed into my eye. Until Impact (or the DVD review), I’ll bid you a fond farewell.

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