The Double-Team Short Form, 04.26-27.07

In Memoriam: Jack “Boom Boom” Valenti. Full credit to him for creating the Motion Picture Ratings System and killing the abominable Production Code once and for all. Full debit to him for trying to destroy home video recording in its cradle.

In Memoriam II: Mstislav Rostropovich, who proved that music is the true spirit of Russia.

Ah, nothing is exactly easy with me. I had a little PRK performed on Thursday because my right eye was weakening to the point where I’d need glasses again. According to these particular doctors, that was caused by a magical process called “aging”. Between the ages of 40 and 45, the muscles in the eye lose the ability to make minor adjustments. Considering I’m 42 1/2, that nicely splits the middle. So, I went in yesterday, zap zap goes the laser, ten minutes and I’m done.

(The reason I had PRK instead of LASIK again was that the doctor didn’t want to screw around with another LASIK procedure due to various reasons, like lifting another doctor’s flap, not being sure of how much tissue was left on the cornea, etc. So, he just worked on the surface using PRK instead. The drawback is that it takes longer to heal and get my full vision back, but since it’s only on one eye and I’ll be out of work until the 7th anyway, that’s cool.)

But, this is Eric’s Magical Fucked-Up Body we’re talking about. From the same cruel deity that gave us such magnificent scenarios as Type II Bipolar Disorder When It Didn’t Have A Name Or Was Recognized As A Condition and Just Enough Diabetes To Take Pills Yet Not Enough Diabetes To Stop Me Going Into Hypoglycemia On Occasion Due To The Pills comes a remake of an oldie but goodie, Eric’s Total Inability To Wear Contact Lenses.

In order to help the healing process, the doctor put in a protective soft contact lens. Now, I’ve tried wearing contact lenses in the past. The problem is that my tears have absolutely zero viscosity. They evaporate immediately. Wearing contact lenses was a torture test for me. They had a habit of being painful as hell for me to wear, and since the eye started treating it like just another foreign body, of falling out (and it really didn’t help that, for the longest time, they couldn’t make soft contacts or gas-permeable ones for my level of pre-LASIK f*cked-upness). Well, sometime on Thursday night, the lens fell out. When I woke up Friday morning…let’s just say that the pain was indescribable. Thanks to my previous experiences, I thought that the lens was still in and was causing this nightmarish, Dear-God-I-Want-To-Vomit pain. Two Vikes didn’t even help. Fortunately, I had my one-day follow-up appointment at the eye place. The problem was that it couldn’t come soon enough.

When I walked in there (a half-hour prior to my appointment), I was in such obvious pain that they saw me right away. The doctor put in some anaesthetic drops and verified that the contact was out. So, she checked out my eye (it’s supposedly healing well so far) and put in another contact. Due to this being Friday, with my next appointment not until Monday, I got her to give me a spare contact just in case. The one she put in almost didn’t survive the drive home; the first thing I did when I walked back into my apartment was check the eye out, and the damn lens almost fell out again. The next few days are going to be a f*cking thrill, let me assure you, especially with me going to the ROH show on Saturday night.

So, while my eye’s still numb, let me knock out both shows and go double-team. It’ll also give me a little time to prep for the ROH show (hopefully, I’ll have an interview to go along with my summary). Impact first, I guess…

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

First of all Glazer has a wonderfully solid plan to get TNA to actually make some sense, as difficult as that may seem to be on the surface. I love his choice of Joey Ryan as a guy TNA should bring in. The one episode of WSX that I saw featured him in tag action, and I was very impressed by his combination of look and skill. Now, Austin Aries is terrific. He’s got the skill and the smarts, as he’s demonstrated many times (forgiving his little lapses in judgment on occasion). However, his gimmick stinks on ice. Give that gimmick to Ryan, and it’d work perfectly. He’s just the guy for it. Ryan reminds me a lot of Rick Rude, and he’s got the potential to go that far. The X Division would be a great place for him, and he’d definitely help their doldrums right now.

Yes, I spent an entire graph on a throwaway mention. But when Aaron nails it, he really nails it, and it’s worthy of elaboration. And, yeah, I honestly think that me, him, and Blatt would be able to do for TNA what Russo and Mantel obviously haven’t. Their main problem with those two as bookers is obvious to anyone on the outside who knows these guys: it’s oil and water. You can tell exactly what Russo’s booking and what Mantel’s booking on every show. There’s no attempt to emulsify things, but given Russo’s and Mantel’s philosophies, you’d need one helluva blender to do that. It provides a very difficult viewing experience for those watching, especially a wrestling fan who knows his or her history.

Match Results:

Sting versus Kurt Angle (ND, mass run-in): Well, the T in TNA now officially stands for “tease”. What the other two stand for is beyond me. In fact, it’s beyond them too.

And here’s how your dream match ends

Sonjay Dutt and Jay Lethal over Frankie Kazarian and Alex Shelley, Low Ki and Shark Boy, and Jerry Lynn and Petey Williams, Winning Team Goes For The X Strap At Sacrifice (Pinfall, Lethal pins Kazarian, Savage Elbow): What a complete and utter mess. A number of blown spots, no introductions for the teams (it took me five minutes to figure out who was teaming with who), and all in the service of eventually turning Sonjay Dutt, who’s so freaking nice that no one buys him as a heel. Well, it’ll be an interesting X Title match at Sacrifice. Sabin, Lethal, and Dutt…one of them’s going to kill themselves. Imagine if it was Ultimate X. If that was the case, all three would end up killing themselves.

That does leave an interesting observation about Sacrifice, though. Chris Sabin does have a habit of losing the X Division belt without actually losing it. From the build-up of the angle surrounding it, it looks like that tradition’s about to continue. Now I just have to decide which of those two will win by the time the Round Table swings around.

Somebody made a boo-boo

The ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley over Big Sump Pump and Tyson Tomko (Pinfall, the ex-D-Von pins Tomko, 3-D): So, rumor (or Meltzer) has it that Johnny Ace wants Tomko back in the fold. Tomko left on good terms, apparently, and “improved” during his time in Japan. If that’s the case, TNA’s setting him up nicely for a departure. Another loss like this, and Christian has enough motivation to turf him out. Of course, a Tomko face turn would also be an option here, but that’s really too weird to discuss right now, thank you.

Just out of curiosity, here, nothing racist implied or anything like that: the African-American community has vivid terms for someone who behaves like Hector Guerrero is in the minds of Sheremetyevo, namely “Uncle Tom” and “oreo”. What’s the Hispanic equivalent? No, no snarky remarks or jokes here. I really would like to know.

None of my Physics classes covered any contingency like this

Christian over Sting, World Title Match (DQ, Angle-ference): Pure Angle Advancement, and, of course, the set-up for the Triple Threat at Sacrifice. Not even worth talking about.

Isn’t this one of the theories on how Bob Woolmer was murdered?

Angle Developments:

A Friend In Need Is A Pain In The Ass: We were all wondering what it would take for a Jarrett face turn to catch in the atmosphere of the Impact Zone. Most of us had written that off as manifestly impossible. But being Eric Young’s “secret friend” and El Kabonging Traci Brooks? I can’t believe it, but he found a way to accomplish the impossible after all. Most of us have criticized Jarrett’s ego for the last five years, using his own wrestling organization as Kevin Nash’s Ego Dildo ™. But none of us have ever criticized Jarrett’s instincts for what makes good wrestling (except when the Ego Dildo ™ got in the way). He’s been in the business since birth. He’s third-generation. He’s seen his father make a success out of federations. It shouldn’t be a surprise that he did it, but it is. He not only did it, he did it in a way that elevates Roode and Young as well by his very presence in their angle.

Jeff Jarrett did something good. It’s going to take time to wrap my head around that one.

Well, this has taken long enough

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Kane and the Boogeyman over Mister Regal and Mister Taylor (Pinfall, Boogeyman pins Regal, powerslam): You know, last week, I was hoping, really hoping, that since they’d be in England this week, that the Blue Bloods would get a title shot against Douche and Dildo, with a chance for them to play faces and a real opportunity for another title switch. This is something I did not expect. I have no idea how to feel about this. It’s just too damn weird.

Oh, by the way, High-Quality Speaker Boy, I know where your day job is and everything, but you are in Great Britain, specifically in London. Therefore, please subsitute any September 11th references with “7/7”.

Is there any way that we can pressure the Queen into making the life peerage for him real?

Douche over Brian Kendrick (Pinfall, flying kick): Aaron, I have no idea where you get the idea that people at the site hate Paul London. Hepple’s literally in love with the guy, for instance. I certainly don’t hate him. I have all the respect in the world for his skills. I think he’s one of the best high flyers in the business. He’s a veteran who’s had success wherever he’s gone. I just make gay jokes about him, that’s all. I have to admit, though, that the beard helps. Not much, but it helps.

Like Kendrick hasn’t been in this position before

Montel Vontavious Porter over “Hamlet Scottish Play” (Pinfall, Playmaker): Hey, I may not have done any acting in a long while, but the superstitions still remain. By the way, who was the next guy going to be, Othello Lear from Brixton?

I don’t know what’s a greater insult to Shakespeare: this, or having him quote J. K. Rowling (you Doctor Who fans know what I’m talking about).

Neither a jobber nor a no-seller be

Our Lord and Savior over Montel Vontavious Porter, Non-Title Impromptu Match (COR): It’s because of this result that I picked Porter in the Round Table to win on Sunday. Yes, I know, it made me physically ill to pick against Benoit, but I have a feeling they’re pulling the trigger this time. All good things must come to an end sometime.

No matter how many times you see it, it still hurts

Jillian Hall over Michelle McCool (Pinfall, X-Chromosome-Factor): Well, we have a nice little feud developing here, don’t we? Too bad they’ve got nothing to fight for, since that belt is stuck on Raw right now. Oh, by the way, if you want to say one good thing about Deep South, here it is: they turned Michelle McCool from a bimbo du jour into an actual wrestler.

Dear God, how do they stay in?

UT and DAVE over FudgePacker and Dave Finlay, No-DQ Main Event (Pinfall, DAVE pins the other Dave, Main Event Spinebuster): Ah, it was adequate for what it was. It was also a sneaky way of foreshadowing that FudgePacker’s going to cash in MITB at the end of Backlash. Well, that’s what I’m believing anyway.

Old School in an ancient city

Angle Developments:

As many people know, I download the Aussie feed since it’s usually up on Friday mornings, thus saving me a little time. That’s how I came across the virtual meme that was Michael Cole’s attempts to pronounce “Brisbane”. Well, they’re headed to Australia again next month. Fortunately, only the show in Perth has been advertised. I swear, if I have to go through weeks of Cole attempting to say “Brisbane” again, I’m going to plotz.

It’s England, so naturally the Irish don’t get a break

You know, I don’t want to know what the attraction is here, I really don’t

Since this is the sign-off, I think I’ll go a little bit metatextual here and comment on Bambi’s sign-off. “Making movement” isn’t enough. Let me refer you to Newton’s First Law Of Motion: an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. The phrase “unbalanced force” often is expressed as an “outside force”. In WWE, there is no such outside force. If it should happen that there is, a greater and opposite force will be exerted by Steph, and said force will be fired, usually within three weeks of being hired. Movement for the sake of movement is irrelevant and often counter-productive. As with sex, it’s all in the right type of movement. That’s your public service announcement for this week. See you this weekend for the Round Table and some ROH stuff if my eye gets a little better.

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