Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
Sorry for flaking last week. My free time has been greatly decreased as I try and figure out how to deal with a huge new situation in my life; it’s a very, very good one, albeit a complicated one that requires a great deal of my time. I may or may not explain at a later date. And no, it has nothing to do with the new Taco Bell 7-Layer Crunchwrap, which does happen to be very tasty, though it could probably use some meat.
I don’t need no steenkin’ eyelids!
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
AKON is in hot water with authorities in Trinidad after an incident at a nightclub on April 12. Prime Minister Patrick Manning has ordered an investigation after it was brought to his attention that the singer had been grinding with a 15-year-old daughter of a pastor on the dancefloor at Club Zen in the city of Port-of-Spain. “have taken very careful notice of this matter and the owner of Zen owes it to the public to take responsibility. I will be interfacing with Zen because that kind of thing should never be allowed to happen in this country.” Incidentally, the club was shut down two weeks later “after certain restrictions that the club had to comply with were not followed.” While a separate incident involving a fight was cited, methinks it may have had more to do with the 15-year-old daughter of a pastor being allowed into a nightclub. A call made to Akon by The SMonday Swindle Sheet was not immediately returned, though in a subsequent call to R. KELLY he told reporters that the action was reprehensible, because Akon neglected to urinate on the girl afterwards.
SNOOP DOGG was unable to fulfill his duty as co-host of the MTV Australia Video Music Awards after Australian immigration officials denied him entry into the country on Friday. According to authorities, Snoop’s extensive rap sheet (including a recent case stemming from a drug bust at an airport in Burbank, Calif.) in both the U.S. and U.K. played an integral part in him not receiving a visa. That and the fact that he badmouthed koalas. Anyone that’s been to Australia can tell you that you do not, under any circumstances, badmouth the koalas, unless you want a boomerang thrown in the opposite direction of where you’re standing, though it would eventually land where the sun don’t shine.
DipShit rapper CAM’RON finally gave in to his PR team and apologized for some snitch-related commentary that he made on 60 Minutes a couple of weekends back (as well as similar commentary on CNN and Fox News), when he said that he wouldn’t call police even if he knew that a murderer was living next to him, citing that it was against his “code of ethics” (the same “code of ethics” shared by Carmelo Anthony, et al.). He even stuck by said “code of ethics” after being shot in a botched car-jacking in 2005, when he refused to give police information about his attacker. After being panned by media for his comments, though, he put out a statement: “Where I come from, once word gets out that you’ve cooperated with the police, that only makes you a bigger target of criminal violence. That is a dark reality in so many neighborhoods like mine across America. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s reality. … Looking back now, I can see how those comments could be viewed as offensive, especially to those who have suffered their own personal tragedies or to those who put their lives on the line to protect our citizens from crime. … Please understand that I was expressing my own personal frustration at my own personal circumstances. I, in no way, was intending to be malicious or harmful. I apologize deeply for this error in judgment.” It should be noted, however, that Cam’ron is among a litany of rappers who have moved to posh New Jersey suburbs after hitting it big.
50 CENT will be accompanying his friend and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. to the ring and will be cheering for him from ringside as he challenges WBC light-middleweight champion OSCAR DE LA HOYA on May 5. 50 also told reporters that he would be giving $1 million to Mayweather if he wins the fight, and if he loses, 50 Cent will have to record a song with De La Hoya. Ouch. However, it really probably wouldn’t make much difference since his upcoming album, Curtis (uh-oh, sounds like an introspective album) is slated to feature cameos by TIMBALAND, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, AKON, MARY J. BLIGE, ROBIN THICKE, WILL.I.AM, PHARRELL WILLIAMS, SWIZZ BEATZ, KANYE WEST, YOUNG BUCK, whichever one of the PUSSYCAT DOLLS 50 Cent is f*cking and ANAL CUNT, and should be an absolute cameo fustercluck an album. OK… so maybe it won’t have Swizz Beatz.
Rapper EVE was charged with drunk driving after crashing her car on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles early Thursday morning. The incident took place around 2:45 a.m., and after police responded to the location, they tested her blood-alcohol level and arrested her shortly thereafter. She was released on $30,000 bail and will face the misdemeanor charges in a Los Angeles-area court on May 17. Oddly enough, actor Sean Penn visited Eve while she was being held, as the two had apparently been out drinking together earlier in the night. Interesting.
LILY ALLEN continued to declare shenanigans last week when she took aim at former SPICE GIRLS singer VICTORIA BECKHAM, calling her “horrendous,” and adding, “She never ever smiles. It’s always the same expression with her lips stuck as far out as she can push them. … I’m going to put Vaseline on them to make her smile next time there’s a camera around. Then we can find out whatever it is she’s hiding in her mouth.” I would pay good money just to see that incident and the repercussions thereof.
Looks like Country Time Lemonade has itself a hot new spokesperson.
THE CLIPSE cemented previous statements that they are not planning on making any more albums, because they “don’t like hip-hop no more and … don’t like the music business. No ethics, no code, no morals. It’s worse than drug dealing.” For those of you just joining us, the brothers Thornton used to sell crack on the streets of Virginia Beach before they hit it big as rappers. Well, I guess there is a certain degree of job security there until people can figure out how to download crack for free.
After the departure of guitarist Graham Coxon in 2002, Brit-rockers BLUR decided to go their separate ways to concentrate on new projects, though bassist Alex James recently told reporters that the group (Coxon included) would be getting back together at the end of the summer for an informal studio session. Should the session work out, they’ll entertain the idea of releasing an album and touring, but if it doesn’t work out, “I think we’ll just call it a day.” If it doesn’t work out, I point the finger squarely at Lil Jon, who will no doubt be responsible somehow. That guy’s such a shitstarter, seriously. Without Lil Jon, this world would be a much better place, and there probably would be no racism or war.
Headline: Tyrese to produce zombie film
Must’ve been a slow news day.
Day one of this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif., kicked off with a large drug bust at a site just outside of the festival grounds, as feds arrested 16 Mexican nationals and seized a cache of guns and meth, which the gang had been selling to travelers on their way to the three-day concert. The opening day was also marred by a logistical FUBAR that caused fans who were picking up their tickets on-site to have to stand in line for over three hours in blistering temperatures. Organizers handed out bottles of water to the disgruntled fans, many of whom also complained about the traffic on the roads coming in and the fact that there were no good places to score cheap meth. Jesus Christ, no one’s ever satisfied, are they?
DJ/producer MARK RONSON has received numerous violent hate mail, including death threats, from disgruntled SMITHS fans after the release of “Stop Me”, his mash-up of The Smiths’ “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before” and THE SUPREMES‘ “You Keep Me Hanging On”. While Yours Truly is a Smiths fan, and agrees that the song is pretty much crap, it didn’t quite fill me with the same uncontrollable rage that I feel whenever I hear the voice of Scott Stapp or Fred Durst. Ronson said that one fan even wrote, “I want to stab you in the eye.” What’s that? A bunch of over-dramatic Smiths fans with an affinity for the melancholy? Who’da thunk it? Interesting to note: MORRISSEY actually approved of said song, which is bound to really upset these poor kids. It’s OK, though, boys and girls… this should help ease the pain.
BRITNEY SPEARS canceled a scheduled performance at Los Angeles club Forty Deuce last Wednesday, saying that she needed more time to rehearse for what would be her “comeback” performance. She apparently showed up for rehearsals, with her new band, the M&Ms (oh boy, sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen), and according to the club’s owner, “She came on stage during rehearsals, looking very hot, with four back-up dancers and sang three songs. They ran through the set several times, the choreography was smokin’, and she sounded great.” While fans who showed up for the show were left disappointed, Spears will reportedly play a round of semi-secret shows around the Los Angeles club circuit next week.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS found the dismal sales of his crappy solo debut album In My Mind to be such a kick in the nuts of his large ego that he apparently called ?UESTLOVE of THE ROOTS and begged him to help him remix the album. ?uest told reporters, “Pharrell called me at 4 a.m. like three times in a row from Japan. I picked up and in his sell-a-drowning-man-water mode, he sold me on the album: ‘I need to make this world see my vision with this record. Please help me translate it, man!’ He had me dressing and in the studio starting this record five hours later.”
The PUSSYCAT DOLLS named Asia Nitollano as the newest member of their group last week, on the season finale of The CW’s Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. While I wasn’t able to find any decent photos of Nitollano, just wait about three weeks or so for the naked pics to be released by a trifling ex-boyfriend. Oh, how to I know, you ask? Let’s just say that Widro tends to reveal a lot of his skeletons when he’s drunk and on AIM at four in the morning.
Dave Mustaine continues to rule as of late, as he’s stood up to conservative yahoos who want him to scrap a rerecording of “A Tout Le Monde”, which originally appeared on his band MEGADETH‘s 1994 album, Youthanasia. In an incident similar to the recent Virginia Tech shootings, student Kimveer Gill went on a shooting spree at Dawson College in MontrÃ©al, last fall, resulting in one death and injuries to 19 other people. Before the attack, Gill had listed “A Tout Le Monde” as his favorite song on his blog. One of those injured in the shooting, Hayder Kadhim, said that Mustaine should scrap the new recording, which features Cristina Scabbia of LACUNA COIL, “out of respect to the victims.” Unbelievable. By that logic, RAMMSTEIN should have disbanded after Columbine. Luckily, though, Mustaine held his ground, pointing out that “[t]he song doesn’t belong to the killer. It was never meant to be misinterpreted like that,” while Scabbia added, “It just happened that this crazy guy liked the song, but that doesn’t mean anything. There was a lot of wonderful people who love this song too, and they’ve never hurt anybody. Except for Dana Suzanne; she broke Jeff Fernandez’s heart.”
BOBBY “BORIS” PICKETT, singer of the classic “Monster Mash”, died on Wednesday at a Los Angeles-area hospital, after a long battle with leukemia. He was 69.
PAPA ROACH drummer Dave Buckner has quit the band’s recent tour, citing “personal reasons.” According to an insider from The SMonday Swindle Sheet, Buckner’s “personal reasons” were that he came to the harsh realization that he was in Papa Roach.
G-UNIT associate SPIDER LOC was shaken up after having to dive behind some bushes during the filming of the video for his single, “Blutiful in Compton”, when an unknown assailant fired gunshots at him and the video crew. It wasn’t so much the gunshots that shook him up, but more so the large pile of mousetraps and thumbtacks that someone had left behind the bushes.
After promising that they would honor two scheduled dates in South Africa despite an injury to bassist Tommy Stinson, GUNS N’ ROSES shocked (SHOCKED) the world yet again by canceling those shows. According to Axl Rose, who spoke with a reporter from The SMonday Swindle Sheet last week, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, Stinson was not able to play as he still was not healed enough from injuries sustained during a freak accident in which he was crushed by a large barrel that had been thrown at him by an angry gorilla. When the reporter brought it to Rose’s attention that Stinson had actually fallen down the stairs, Rose pointed at a ceiling rafter and when the reporter looked he ran away. Okay, that’s it. Smilowitz, you’re fired. You heard it here first.