E C W
C H A M P I O N
AND YOU DIDN’T LIKE LASHLEY?
HA! SUCKERS…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome to the show! As always the Monday Night Rabble is here in South Bound Brook, NJ. We comment on what we see. Along with the forumers here at Inside Pulse!
Tonight:
HERNANDEZ – BILL – JEN – JEFFREY – MIKE – DANI
..and your host, James Hatton – Me.
We get starting with Cena, being interrupted by Vince McMahon holding a title…. Vince tells us that the CHAMP IS HERE.
“David Arquette, eat your heart out, he’s a champ in two feds.” – Mike
Cena explains that Vince is the champ, only if ECW stands for ‘Extremely Crazy White’ guy.
“John Cena…you silly bitch!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
Now here comes Michaels to interrupt the affair. Shawn is upset, it seems Cena got lucky last night at Backlash. Vince is going to give us the bumper match for Cena/HBK, but he has to beat Cena once before he can have a chance to win the title.
Tonight. Then he says Shawn might be able to go for the ‘Big’ one slapping the ECW title.
Vince then leaves saying, “Catch you later, brothers!” and it is admittedly really funny.
Hey.. it’s Edge! I think you know him..
“His jaw is looking wonderful!” – Me
He will be facing Randy Orton tonight.. and HEY! Here he comes.
“HEY…nothing you can say, nothing’s gonna change what I did to that HO-TEL ROOM!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“Captain, you have been saving that joke all week.. haven’t you?” – Me
EDGE vs. ORTON
Hey…
“Looks like Orton isn’t getting paid tonight” – Mike
Edge is looking a little meaty.. and they get to the middle of the ring and the beatings begin. Edge bails. Orton rolls out and chases after him. As Orton slides in he slaps Edge.
European uppercut sends Edge to the corner, and he begins choking him on the corner. Slams Edge counter corner. Snapmare from Orton. Garvin Stomp time.
Pin for two.
Orton sits on Edge and begins the punching. As he gets up, he gets the second rope choking. Throws Edge out and…..
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
We’re back, and Orton is just throwing Edge around.
“So is Edge the face here?” – Me
Edge grabs the tights to pull Orton into the ringpost..
“Nevermind..” – Me
As Orton crawls back into the ring, he gets speared and lands over the announcers table.
“Watch my damn crown!” – Mike as Lawler
Edge takes a lonnnng moment to recoop and then heads out to get him.
“Are they overseas?” – Hernandez
“Nope” – Mike
“That’s why nobody’s cheering” – Jen
In the ring Edge sets up the spear… instead just decides to kick the shit out of him. Kneedrop. Pin for two.
Edge throws him into the chinlock.
“I bet Orton called that..” – Me
Orton fights out of it… back elbows… now he goes to the ropes and hits the spinning heel kick. Edge now to the top. Orton gets up to the corner and sets Edge up for the superplex. Edge fights back though. Headbutt from Edge finally sends him to the mat. Edge climbs.. leaps..
Dropkick from Orton! Nice.
They get to their knees and are bitchfighting. To their feet, bitchfighting.. ending in Edge thumbing him in the eyes. Throws Orton to the ropes, Edge gets caught into the Orton-style backbreaker for two.
Throws Edge to the ropes, eats a kick to Orton’s face. Powerslam from Orton almost out of nowhere. Pin for two. Edge rolls him up for two… Randy is getting a chant!!?!
“Actually, they were chanting Edward Norton, who is actually talented, unlike Orton.” – Insyder JigglyPuff
Both hits the ropes… double flying crossbody and they both go down… Edge gets up and pulls off the turnbuckle… Randy grabs him for the roll-up.. 2! Edge reverses.. 2! Orton then CLOCKS him! Orton now throws Edge to the corner. Edge hits the SnakeEyes! Orton’s busted!
Feet on the ropes from Edge… Ref catches it!
Orton does the same… feet on the ropes! Ref catches it and Orton is bleeding from the face.
Orton goes for the RKO.. blocked into the Impaler for two!
Edge charges Orton for the spear! ORTON LEAPFROGS! Edge goes shoulder first right into the corner. RKO now setting up.. sizing up Edge.
“Ready for the pounce?” – Bill
Randy goes for the RKO…. pushed out… Edge SPEARS HIM!
The end.
“Do you see that bulge on Randy Orton” – Mike
“Best part of the match!” – Hernandez
WINNER: THE EDGE
We get a replay of the HBK Superkick from last night. DEET!
We then get a replay of Santino winning the title.
Tonight, Santino gets his first live interview!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Now it’s Todd interviewing Santino Morella. This is his FIRST interview!
“I actually auditioned to be Armando, but no..” – Hernandez
So shockingly he has ‘trained’ to be a pro-wrestler and there we go.. he gets it.. thanks to Roberto Lashley.
“Shocker.” – Hernandez
“I think I mark for ‘Roberto'” – Me
We get another flashback…
“So that was the interview?” – Me
He can’t believe it! His father was crying. His mother doesn’t want him to be a wrestler. He and his 8 brothers and sisters drank a lot of a’wine..
“And we were very racially stereotyping.” – Me
He wants this to last forever.
“So I’m’a retiring..” – Me
They give us a shot of RVD’s interview from after Backlash. I recommend checking them out.
“Hey, he’s going off script” – Bill
Tonight though.. Umaga vs. RVD..
“Brandsplit?” – Me
In the back now Vince is talking with Shane.
“I’m a big fan of Vince’s doorag.” – Dani
“He’s stealing my bit.” – Me
“Yeah, but his doorag cost 3000 dollars.” – Dani
Vince wants to thank Umaga for last night.
“Did he scalp Lashley last night, and that’s what he’s wearing?” – Hernandez
Maria interviews Edge… she has a cold.. but her boobies are poking out.
“She has a horse voice.” – Hernandez
“A whoresss voice? sorry Maria.” – Me
Edge comes out and he’s ANGRY! Not HAPPY! ANGRY! Mainly because Shawn gets another match against Cena.. HOW!?!??!
“LOOK AT HER!” – Me
“Wouldn’t it be funny if angry Edge just whipped his cock out and smacked Maria right in the forehead with it? Yes, I think so too.” – Insyder Ellie
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Last night the Hardy’s kept the tag titles… shocker. So Cade & Murdoch are on mic- and here comes Jeff Hardy.
Here comes Nitro..
“In Melina’s tights..” – Hernandez
JEFF HARDY vs. JOHNNY NITRO
Run in?
Murdoch announces right off that they believe in sportsmanship, and the Hardyz won fair and square. Hardy goes and does the double leg drop for two. He goes for the toprope sling dropkick, but Nitro kicks out of it.. nice little spot. Nitro gets a pin for two.
“Anyone else think it’s weird watching a match and knowing that Jeff Hardy is the veteran in it?” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“We all just aged a wee bit right there.” – Insyder Ellie
Chinlock from Nitro. The commentary from Murdoch is pretty great.
“Ya know…Cade and Murdoch are kinda like the New Age Outlaws but not nearly as faggy!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
Back to their feet and Nitro hits a european and throws him to the corner for corner beatings. Nitro charges – but Hardy moves. He ducks a clothesline and hits a whisper in the wind. Hardy with a couple shoulder checks. Sitting faceplant for two.
Reverse neckbreaker from Nitro… heads to the corner and Hardy runs up after him. They fight at the top.. Jeff gets a back body drop and he is on the top… Swanton!
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
“No interference?” – Jeffrey
And Murdoch and Cade are on the outside..
“Oh.. beatdown, makes more sense.” – Jeffrey
Murdoch & Cade grab the mic and ask Jeff for another round of applause. They announce that they have all the respect for him in the world so they want to come in the ring to shake his hand.
They crawl in and both extend their hands. Jeff says no! Then leaves, but Cade continues to applaud him… great spot from Cade & Murdoch!? Nice.
“I’m confused – Hardy acts paranoid, the Rednecks act honorable. The number of wellness policy violations we must be talking about is astronomical!” – Insyder bluelobster
“DOUBLE TURN BITCHES! Next week…Michael Hayes comes back to manage the Hardyz and the New Brood is reborn!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
Next is RVD vs. UMAGA…
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:48
More Backlash footage…. rah…
Here comes the monnnneyyyyyyyyyy……
Shane Time!
“Now why can’t Shane be the ECW champ…” – Insyder Kerry_B
“Because we would actually enjoy that.” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“..and God forbid we actually ENJOY wrestling for once.” – Insyder JigglyPuff
He grabs the mic.
“Ladies & Gentlemen. It is my privelege to introduce the man who helped his father become the ECW champion…”
“Bobby Lashley?” – Bill
Umaga.
“The Samoooan Boooldoozer..” – Hernandez
“Where is Armando?” – Me
“Like Fraggle Rock?” – Dani
UMAGA vs. RVD
RVD lost a shitload of weight…. he looks unhealthy…
“He just doesn’t give a shit.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:56
Match has started and RVD highkicks Umaga in the corner… leaps to the top and gets pushed to the outside.
Umaga goes outside to bring him back in. Hits a legdrop. Snapkick to the face. Big clubs to his neck. Picks up RVD and punches him to the corner. RVD tries to fight out… fists – hits the rope – runs right into the samoan drop.
They get back to their feet and RVD tries to slam him down… why? Umaga falls on him for two. RVD gets to his feet and gets beaten some more. Thrown to the corner, RVD leaps… Sleeper on Umaga.
“He’s fighting him like a homosexual” – Hernandez
“I’m used to fighting in groups” – Me as Fezzik
“Soft music would also work well versus Umaga” – Bill
Sleeper drops Umaga to one knee. Umaga then stands up… and charged backfirst into the corner. Then hurls RVD outside and follows him . RVD leaps onto Umaga’s back now outside the ring! The count takes a long time due to ref going to stop Shane from interrupting.
Umaga does a dive, back first into the steps to dislodge RVD… nice little spot there.
“Did he just blade? He took a back bump?” – Me
“Nope, just ate some acid.” – Hernandez
Back in the ring slowly, Umaga beats the helllllll outta RVD in the corner. Goes for the assbump. MISSES! RVD on the apron. He shoulders him through the ropes… high kick… sunset flip.. RVD goes for the sitdown. MISSES
Sitdown dropkick. Lowend spinheel kick. Umaga misses a clothesline. RVD hits a spinkick. Toprope flying kick. Rolling Thunder! ONE COUNT! IT GOT A FUCKING ONE COUNT!
Umaga to his feet – nothing hurts apparently. He no sells ALL of it! Headbutt. Throws RVD to the ropes. He leaps up.. hits another heelkick! Runs up… HITS THE FIVESTARRRr wait a sec… he hit it, but Umaga’s holding his throat!?!?
“BUT HE HIT IT!??!” – Me
Picks him up… Spike. The End.
WINNER: UMAGA
LOSER: RVD’S CAREER
“He’s off the christmas card list” – Bill
Vince comes out and pimps his belt.
Lawler and JR explain how last week’s John/HBK exceeded the original.
“It HAD to!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:10
I had some shit to do… I missed 15 minutes…
Shawn got knocked out… nobody knows who did it.
“Apparently the power of Christ compelled Shawn’s head right in to a brick wall.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Or just the power of too much spray-on tan” – Insyder bluelobster
“No, the sheer stupidity of having to pin the champion to earn a title shot for a later date weighed down on him so much that he fell against the wall and hit his head.” – Insyder DarkStar
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
CARLITO & RIC vs. TWGTT
“Hey look it’s Carlito/Benjamin” – Bill
I came back and Ric was in the ring with Carlito versus TWGTT. “Shawn really did get carried away with the fake tan. Oh, wait, that’s Shelton.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
When I get in Shelton is in the ring with Carlito. He throws Shelty to the ropes and a few back elbows. Forearms from Carlito. Carlito hits the second rope and backflips over Shelton – kick for two.
Carlito charges Shelty, throws him up and a dropkick misses, but it would have been neat. Tag to Haas. Ric tries to stop the doubleteaming, but ref stops it and Haas begins choking the hell out of Carlito.
Backbreaker from Haas for two. Chinlock spot. Rolls Carlito over to Shelty for the tag.
THrows him to the corner and Carlito fights out of it. Shelty stops it though and hits a backbreaker and locks him up.. but Carlito leglocks the ropes. Tag to Haas and Shelty slams him onto Haas’ knee for two.
“Can you feel the excitement coming out of the rabble?” – Hernandez
Continued back and forths til finally Carlito reverses the Shelty backbreaker… and tags Ric. Chops to Shelton. Throws him. Back elbow. In runs Haas.. he eats a Carlito dropkick. Ric throws Shelton for a back bodydrop… thennnnn
“SWERRRRRRVE!” – Me
CARLITO HIT RIC! Kicks the hell out of him. Ric rakes his eyes… and Carlito bails, but Ric comes right after him. He beats the hell out of him… DDTs him.. poorly to the stage.
“I think that was supposed to be a small package.” – Mike
Chopblock from Ric and then Carlito scratches HIS eyes.
WINNER: NOBODY
In the back… Edge is knocked out.
“What is this.. a murder mystery…. NEXT THEY’RE GONNA FIND OWEN! THEN KATIE VICK!” – Me
“And if you pay attention in the background, you are going to see Hawk… swinging.” – Me
“Next to Mike Awesome” – Jen
WHAT DOES THE INSYDERS THINK?
“Maria’s behind it, I’m sure.” – Insyder bluelobster
“Orton didn’t do it…. SANTINO MARELLA DID IT!” – Insyder Kerry B
“Bet you a million dollars the Great Khali knocked out Shawn, Edge and Orton and wants a title shot.” – Insyder DarkStar
“I think it was Chief Morley, in the Hall, with the Hardcore Title!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“Wait, I’ve got it! Tiger Ali Singh!” – Insyder bluelobster
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:33
We get a flashback of all the unconscious people..
“ADAM… ADAM…. FUCK YOU KNOW YOUR NAME!” – Hernandez
More Condemned stuff….
Lawler tries to sell Egypt Central from the Condemned as his favorite band ever. Nice.
Anyway… here comes Mr. Kennedy? Wait.. MR. KENNEDY?!
“KENNEDY!” – Hernande
“KEN.. KEN… KENNEDY” – Me
He announces right off that he didn’t do all that in the background, and he’s got a white bronco and there are no bloodstains. He doesn’t have to because he has the Money In The Bank. He could have walked out of Backlash as a champion… but he didn’t want to come tonight and ask everyone a burning question…
WHO HERE….
“Has herpes?” – Me
..WANTS HIM TO CHALLENGE FOR THE TITLE TONIGHT?
Good pop.
“Nope that’s not going to happen” – Kennedy
The crowd tells him he sucks. He deflects. When Edge did it.. it was weak. He would never do something like that. He is going to be up front about all of this.
It’s going to happen… IN 334 DAYS AT WRESTLEMANIA 24!
“He just put himself as Top Billing at Wrestlemania… awesome” – Hernandez
Really funny f*cking spot.
“I could see him swerving it and getting pissed enough to use it.” – Me
“HOLY FUCK!!! An angle an entire year in advance????? Smartest man ever!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“I don’t think Lanny Poffo would be happy about you saying that.” – Insyder JigglyPuff
Oh and we go to the back…. and Kenny found Orton in the shower/!?!?
“I was spooning with him and he fell..” – Hernandez
“..I mean.. some guy ran in..” – Bill
“Kenny’s new gimmick? From cheerleader to shower man-rapist.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
In the back, Vince is discussing with some stagehand about how he won the title. Coach interrupts to explain that Edge, Orton, and Michaels are all knocked out….
He has failed Vince. Vince knows who did it…
“..Vince did it..” – Me
So Vince tells Coach to go out and get Cena and bring him to the ring and we’ll see who did it..
“..Vince did it..” – Me
“The higher power?” – Hernandez
Here comes Melina & Victoria.. tag time.
Now here comes Candice and Mickie… and they are looking mighty cute… Mickie’s ina sportsie bit.. and Candice is wearing a flamey pants halter thingie.. and it’s f*cking hot!
MELINA & VICTORIA vs. CANDICE & MICKIE
Candice and Mickie starting. Vick throws Candice down. Backslide from Candice for two. Candice leaps up on Victoria for a sleeper spot. She gets backslammed into the corner and a tag to Melina.
Melina goes for a dropkick… Candice holds onto the ropes. Melina grabs her in a sideheadlock, but Candice charges her into the corner and a tag to Mickie.
Mickie hits a bunch of punches… nice kick… Thesz Press.. and then a hair takedown and they are catfighting all over the ring.
As a note – Hernandez is making farty noises everytime a diva falls.. it’s kinda funny.. try it at home.
Mickie goes nuts all over Victoria and Melina. Victoria though grabs her by the feet and pulls her out… Victoria recieved a tag so she’s the legal one. Slams her to the ring apron and throws her in.
Kick from Victoria for two. Vickie then hangs her in the tree of woe. Holds her back and Melina leapfrogs Victoria .. pulls her out for a two count and now a wrap around knee in the back.
“HUG YOURSELF! LOVE YOURSELF!” – Hernandez
Reverse neckbreaker from Mickie. Melina gets the tag as does Mickie. Candice hits a couple solid clotheslines…. She goes to rev the crowd… Victoria grabs her, eats a back elbow though and Candice hits a huge spinning headscissors.
In runs Melina! Doubleteam suplex on Candice, but Mickie hits Melina and rolls out while Victoria gets a roll-up pin.
WINNER: CANDICE (How?!?!)
Here comes Cena!
“Live fast… hit a wall.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:55
So we get a replay… and Coach just happens to be there for all of the shots… is it Coach or Vince? It’s one of em’.
Cena’s music hits..
“He’s out.” – Hernandez
He gets to the ring, grabs he mic.
“If you didn’t notice.. Candice winning a match was our main event.” – Me
“I’m trying not to see anymore..” Hernandez
“Because John Cena told you to?” – Me
“Someone is trying to get the attention of the WWE champion. Whoever you are.. I got news for you. I could have saved you three beatdowns because I don’t back down from any challenge.. so come get some..” – Cena
“Euuugene… Euuugene… Euuugene..” – Me
“Crash Holly!” – Hernandez
“Hogan with an NWO shirt?” – Jen
“Come on Bret?” – Jeffrey
“He gave all those guys concussions.. it’s methodology.” – Me
….it’s khali….
“Fuck.” – Me
“Somebody owes me a million dollars. And I’m turning this off and never watching again. What crap.” – Insyder DarkStar
“There are levels of suck. This will break the gauge. And then some.” – Insyder Kerry B
“KHALI CRUSH! KHALI SMASH! KHALI…ah screw it, I’m turning it to Nick at Nite.” – Insyder bluelobster
“I think I just threw up a little…” – Insyder Patchwork
“On the plus side, last time Khali tried to wrestle a terrible wrestler, the guy died.” – Insyder JigglyPuff
So Cena rolls out and starts to hit him. Khali then throws him into the ropes… and Cena rolls in… hits the shouldercheck. No sell. Clothesline from Khali. Dead Cena. Boot. Dead Cena.
“Did the bell ring?” – Hernandez
“I think it’s a non-match..” – Me
Boot to his gut. Back elbow or two. Finally Cena grabs one of his big clubbing blows. PICKS HIM UP FOR THE FU….. nice to see anyway… Khali gets out and elbows him in the temple.
Chokeslam set-up. Up… Down.
“He’s dead..” – Hernandez
“Think we should check on him?” – Me
“Nope.. he’s breathing.. nevermind.” – Hernandez
Khali then one foot pins Cena holding the title and that’s that I guess. Strange.
What did we think.. those that are left?
“I’m actually kind of excited..” – Hernandez
“For Khali?” – Me
“Yes… Cena went through Umaga. They let the monster get beaten. There is a better chance that Cena won’t win.” – Hernandez
“But with Khali?” – Me
“Yeah!” – Hernandez
“The diva match was decent… the Khali thing wasn’t.” – Jen
“I’ll gouge my eyes out and hope that they grow back after Khali leaves again.” – Jeffrey
“And I say your new announce team… Cade & Murdoch.” – Me
That’s been ours how.. thanks til next week.
