In Memoriam: Tommy Newsom, such a key part of the Tonight Show that I remember, the one before Leno. Shame most of you don’t remember.
Greetings, smelly proles of the world. You have nothing to lose but your chains. Ah, it’s great when my column falls on May Day so I can pretend to be an old, unreconstructed Commie. Pisses off all of the right-wingers in Moodspins.
It was pretty much a blown weekend for me, with the ROH show coverage and the damn contact lens over my eyeball. Got that out on Monday afternoon, though, and ended up playing three-way phone tag over a job interview (this would actually be a four-month moonlighting, or should I say daylighting, job, just to haul in some extra money and have the possibility of leveraging it into something permanent). I have no idea when I have time to do anything these days. I’m supposed to be out of work right now and have loads of free time. Oh, well, shit happens. Damn, I was so tired that I couldn’t even celebrate my boy Scott Verplank’s victory at the Byron Nelson. It’s been a long time coming for him, and I’m so glad after all the injuries to see him back on top. And for it to come at the Nelson was especially sweet for him and for all of us fans. Let’s hope it carries over, because he has a history of doing well at Sawgrass.
Of course, there’s also the Bulls. Yes, despite the NFL Draft and the entire city lining up to give blowjobs to Greg Olsen, we noticed that our basketball team won its first playoff series since MJ retired, and took down the defending champions in a sweep. Team of destiny? Not just yet, but if they go up 2-0 on their next opponent, a splooge explosion is very likely. Screw you, Riley.
And will I ever get a DVD review done? I have five in the pipeline, including a box set, and only another week out of work. Dear God, let me actually try to finish at least one of them this week.
Oh, well, on to the Pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
Burnside has questions and a quote from me. Cool.
Bambi does have a good idea to help Jay Lethal, but there’s a problem with it. I believe Sherri Martel has a WWE Legends contract, and I’m not sure how much of an impediment that would be to appearing on TNA. Before you ask, I don’t believe Backlund’s ever signed one.
Biscuiti knows a total farce when he sees one.
Yeager covered the Friday night ROH show in St. Paul. Unfortunately, it looks like it’s going to be the last Twin Cities-area show for a while, since ROH isn’t getting the crowd size they want. And if it really was a set-up for the Chicago show, there wasn’t very much payoff for it.
For those of us who don’t have a Cookie Puss near us, I have to ask Double S this: how good are they, really?
Fernandez returns with the Swindle Sheet, and a question must be asked: did anyone following music in the 80s ever imagine the day when Bob Stinson would be considered the sane one in his family?
Paul feels a sense of satisfaction. Yet he lives in Canada.
Wind goes to many more full-service restaurants than I do.
Uh, Carroll, Hitlary is the evil bitch monster from hell. That’s why I love her.
Bambi reviews the new one from Tori Amos. Okay, I so reviewed Elton John, and I’ll be reviewing the new one from Erasure, but, really, that doesn’t say anything about me at all. Honestly, it doesn’t. I’ll be doing a review of two new Elvis Costello collections, and he’s straight (finally got them in the mail on Monday, Jeff).
BACKLASH = BACK TO WRESTLEMANIA
What exactly is the wisdom behind booking a PPV that’s all title matches? Especially one in which the only title change…well, we’ll discuss that later. I have no idea why I’m doing this column given the results I’ve already read. Let’s face it, there’s a problem when everyone in the Round Table finished 4-2 or 3-3, with the differences lying in the ECW title match and the women’s title match. Either we know how to book better than they do, or…no, we do know how to book better than they do. Most of us had someone other than Cena winning the four-way (albeit most of the dissenters had Edge taking it).
Oh, hell, let’s just get into it. That way, the pain stops sooner.
Sure, start off the show with the Faerie Princes against Cade and Murdoch. That’s no problem with me. It just saves me a lot of time in getting to total apathy. Hell, I don’t even need meds to do it. It’s especially bad when memories of Saturday’s ROH show are still fresh in my mind. Let’s see, a match with these four, or opening with Mike Quackenbush kicking eight kinds of ass? Gee, what a choice. And what an intelligent call by Ross and Lawler. How does Jack Doane “miss” Jeffykins doing a swanton? No, they’re not trying to insult our intelligence at all.
You can do a lot of things in seventeen minutes. Have a good cardio workout, bake a pizza, jack off three times if you’re a teenager. Oh, but I’d rather watch this. It’s so much more fulfilling and productive.
You know, if my eye still wasn’t hurting from the PRK, I could come up with a lot better sarcasm than I am. Sorry about that.
Just goes to show you that two women can beat up one redneck. Too bad none of Austin’s female companions thought of that.
Look, if Jack Evans can’t pull off wearing a schmatte…ooh, another ROH reference. I know what Glazer’s going to say later this week: “Eric’s got his fire back, and he’s in love with ROH, and he’s right about Cabana. Column Of Honor again!”
Insert extremely wordy and violently insulting polemic of your choice here:
A) Indictment of the American educational system
B) They’re in Atlanta, so proliferate Southern stereotypes
C) Low intelligence of wrestling fans, a longtime favorite
D) Bambi actually wants this type of audience for her column?
E) Digression about how Rusty’s ruining Doctor Who
F) Republicans are evil and must be eliminated
And we go to our second match featuring two women, but these two don’t have genitalia that have a tendency to dangle limp at the worst possible moments. Solid match between Perez and LaJames, as expected between them, with some nasty moments, also as expected. They know how to get down and dirty, and it was a nice recovery from the extended Ashley Playboy push. Now, let’s try to get some other women involved. Care to remember all the way back to Friday, when Jillian Hall and Michelle McCool had a pretty good match? Since all these PPVs are now cross-brand, there’s no reason to stop them from challenging for the women’s title. Besides, Hall’s just about pestered everyone on Smackdown, and she needs some new venues to caterwaul in.
By the way, looking at LaJames’ outstanding dropkicks, I realized I forgot to mention something in the ROH Short Form: Chris Sabin’s delayed dropkick looks even better in person than it does on TV. Truly a thing of beauty.
As LaJames verifies that, indeed, the mat is still below her
Ah, it’s time for the Mating Call Of The WWE-Addled Smark: “Porter’s improving! Porter’s improving!” And again, the smark resistant to such call due to age and experience responds: “Look who he’s in there with.” I’ll say he’s improving when he’s in there in a PPV-length match with inferior competition and produces a good match. Yes, he’s had a very valuable learning experience. Let’s see if he has the ability to put it into practice.
Oh, by the way, if High-Quality Speaker Boy was right and Benoit’s wife was present, would it be too much to ask to pop Nancy a check and have her do a promo backstage with Flair? Just once, for old time’s sake? You could even use it to advance the Flair/Carly angle, I wouldn’t complain, honest. I just want to see Woman next to Flair again.
Every time Benoit uses the Sharpshooter, a Scott Keith gets his wings
“We’ve got a lot in common. For one thing, we were both failures as Marines.”
And now we come to the abortion segment of the evening. Gee, Vince, it wasn’t enough for you to win a Royal Rumble. It wasn’t enough for you to win a WWE championship. You had to do this too. You couldn’t let Shane, who might have done something fun with the strap and would have at least been a bit acceptable to the audience (you can’t deny he’s gone to the Extreme in the past, and did a pretty good job in this match, for that matter), have a little run with this before jobbing him to whoever? Well, Vince, let’s see if I can satisfy your ego a bit so you don’t take the Big Gold Belt too…
Sorry for those of you on dial-up, but Vince is so extra-super-special that he has to be honored in this way.
Happy now, Vince? Satisfied? ECW died on March 5th, 2001. It got buried on April 29th, 2007. If anything, Vince made the corpse smell even worse.
Yes, I am overreacting. Yes, I know things will be set right soon enough. But, we do keep track of title changes here in a special section, and now we have to list Vince as ECW World Champion, the same title that Tommy Dreamer was only allowed to hold for about five minutes while he gets to possess it for at least two days. And he has to allow someone to beat the living shit out of him in order to take that belt from him, and there are very few people employed by WWE whom he will allow to do that. Gee, maybe he’ll hold it until Trip comes back. That’d be a nice, cheap way for him to get Title #12, wouldn’t it?
Please note that the only person in this picture to never hold the ECW World Title is Shane McMahon. That f*cking says it all, doesn’t it?
Sometimes, it’s good to be reminded that wrestling, at its most basic, is two guys beating the living shit out of each other. However, there’s more to wrestling than that. It’s in those areas that the UT/Batista match failed. A Last Man Standing match is usually a sign that a feud’s going to be blown off. It’s not supposed to end with a cliched exploding electrical console and girders falling over people (not on them). You know, I’d be shaking my head about this one, except that it was on the same show as Vince McMahon winning the ECW title. Hell, compared to that, the ending of the LMS match doesn’t even set off a blip.
High-Quality Speaker Boy is so good at his job that he doesn’t need to look at the match he’s calling
And the night ended with a formulaic Fatal Four-Way. Worst of all, it was a Fatal Four-Way that had Cena retain the title. So wha exactly was the purpose of this? The three world title matches all have a common thread running through them. The thread is simple to identify: Vince is booking this to piss us off. Vince gets the ECW title, the Last Man Standing Match ends in a draw, and Cena retains. Conscious antagonism is the only explanation for this. I’d prefer not to contemplate this any further, I think. That stupid ending alone…no, I said I wouldn’t contemplate this any further. MOTYC my f*cking ass, Fingers.
For the first time, the WWE Championship will be decided by Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe
I think we can safely say that Backlash reeked. Oh, well, better luck next year. Maybe WWE will have learned their lesson by that time. It’s doubtful, but there’s always hope.
HEY, TNA DID THEIR TAPINGS. YOU GOING TO DO IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED?
No, I’m not. In fact, I’m going to force you to go into the Den of Smelly Proles and read the regurgitations of Alan Woj-Suck. Maybe then, and only then, you will realize what a force for evil that prick is. There are so many nicknames used in there that you will want to track this son of a bitch down and whack him. In fact, since he attends every taping, I’m sure he’s somewhere around Orlando. I’m certain that Fleabag knows some people there who will do this job for us. In fact, we may not have to pay them. Just have them read one of his columns, and they’ll end up doing it as a service for humanity.
Flea’s already invited me down there for Wrestlemania and, more importantly, the ROH shows next year. If this mission isn’t accomplished by that point, I’ll have him do the necessary leg work, find where Woj-Suck lives, and plant a bullet in the cocksucker’s head myself.
What mysterious pull does he have on you, Fingers? The gay porn photos? We already know you have the gay porn mustache, so it isn’t a stretch (my mustache, on the other hand, is trimmed to both US military and food business GMP standards, and not gay porn at all, oh, no, it’s not). We’d forgive you for that. Or is he threatening to tell your bosses what you do for a hobby? If so, you’d want him knocked off too, wouldn’t you? Why are you indulging him in this manner? Why, dear God, why?
CONDEMNED TO FAILURE
So, the box office estimates for the opening weekend of The Condemned are in. Flea says that I should start laughing hysterically. Nothing that maniacal, thank you. A sinister, low-pitched giggle will do.
Four million, huh? In other words, that’s two and a half million less than See No Evil earned, thus making Kane’s ability to open a movie more than 50% that of Wife-Beater. That’s less money than Vince paid for WCW. Flea told me that he and Desi went out to see this turd on Friday night, and it was horrid. I’ll take his word for it, since I’m not going to inquire any further.
Can we finally put to rest the myth that Wife-Beater Equals Money? He didn’t help the Wrestlemania buyrate (although, admittedly, you can’t really tell on the surface). Maybe this is finally the final straw for Vince. If Vince didn’t learn from the three times he walked out on WWE because he’s a complete putz, maybe this little fact can slap him right in the face. There’s not enough money to be made with him to counteract the problems he brings.
The question is, of course, when will you people learn? And by “you people”, I’m also including my fellow writers here. They know why. You’ll find out soon enough.
AND SPEAKING OF MORE TROUBLE THAN HE’S WORTH…
According to Da Meltz, WWE’s trying to figure out exactly what the proper level of depush punishment should be given to young Randall for his latest behavioral-related activities. Like Fingers, I have a modest suggestion to make to them:
Fire. His. Ass. Now.
Orton is a self-centered idiot who never grew psychologically after he was fourteen. He’s a spoiled brat who’s been indulged because WWE can promote him as a third-generation wrestler, blah blah blah. What more does WWE need to see out of him? Look at his history. The fact that he went AWOL from the Marines. The shit in the gym bags. His inability to handle an upper-card push. Behavioral problems galore. Now a destroyed hotel room. This is not the behavior of a grown adult. How long have they waited for him to show any semblance of maturity? They’ve suspended him and that hasn’t worked. Cut ties, now. Who cares if he goes down to TNA? He’ll be another in their long line of locker room cancers, nothing more.
They’ve tried sending him messages. The messages haven’t gone through. It’s time to finally end this farce.
Unfortunately, we have another farce ahead to cover, namely the show that Orton’s on right now for some unknown reason…
THE SHORT FORM
Edge over Randy Orton (Pinfall, spear): Very good match, actually. Edge made certain of that, and Orton was willing to go along with it (it helps when you trust your opponent like these two do). Did anyone else get the feeling that Orton was fighting for his job? Maybe someone at Stamford is thinking along the same lines that I am in regard to Randall’s future, and he knows it.
Honestly, if Orton’s still employed this time next week, he’s going to be jobbing for the next three months. Let’s see how far his depush actually goes. If he jobs to Santino Marella, you know he’s in trouble.
“Come on, Chioda! You know that I only do that kind of stuff to hotel rooms!
Jeffykins over Johnny Nitro (Pinfall, Swanton): Remember way back when, when this was an Intercontinental title match? Now, it’s…well, it’s for nothing. And it’s a nothing match that had Cade and Murdoch doing commentary. Does anyone have any sort of clue as to what they want to do with anyone below the upper card on Raw?
If Shawn Stasiak could become a chiropractor…
Jamalga over Rob Van Dam (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): A few years ago, I fell out of love with Rob Van Dam. Why? Because every single one of his matches became complete formula. Occasionally, they still are. I enjoy situations where he’s taken out of his formula, and this was one of them. He shows what a truly great wrestler he is under these conditions. The strange factor in this match was that Jamalga was also taken out of his formula, and he responded very well. He was able to keep up with Van Dam, sell at the proper times, etc. Both guys did credit to themselves with this match, and it was enjoyable to watch as well. So, no problems from this end.
Too bad Go To Sleep is already taken in ECW
Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin over Ric Flair and Carly Colon (presumed COR): Well, we officially have a heel turn for Carly. Right now, he’s ready for it. He’s learned from being in there with Flair, and unlike with Porter and FudgePacker, he has shown visible improvement. This is going to be a program which will do wonders for Carly’s career. He’s going up against the greatest ever, in the ring and on the mic, and it’s an opportunity for him to continue his education. I’m actually looking forward to it. The only thing that could spoil it is if Carly goes back into his old mannerisms in his promos. No, Carly, you should be angry and energetic. Stay that way, and it’ll be better for everyone, and will result in an elevation.
This would be what is commonly called a “miss”
MickieLexis LaJames and Candice Michelle over Melina Perez and Missus Hevia (Pinfall, Michelle pins Victoria, rollup): With Candice actually taking her wrestling training seriously and Michelle McCool learning as much as Deep South taught her, the quality of women’s wrestling in WWE might be, on average, better than during High Stratus. Please note, I’m talking about a stronger, say, #1 to #8 rather than at the very top. The division’s become deeper, and the wrestling’s become better on a consistent basis. As such, Raw’s “special attraction division” is actually in far better shape than Smackdown’s (when was the last time Chavito defended his title?). In fact, there could be a case easily made that the women’s division on Raw is in better shape right now than the X Division. Whoever thought that anyone would say something like that in a sane fashion?
Well, Melina does bear a resemblance to Rocky Romero…
Christian’s and Morishima’s credibility is skyrocketing by the second
It’s not Edge’s fault that there are no mic stands backstage
“Look over there, and you won’t see me cop a feel.”
Most pictures say a thousand words. This one says two: “mixed emotions”.
And that covers that. Now let’s see if I can push myself to get something done…