Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
With Spider-Man 3 opening tomorrow, we are at the start of summer movie season. I believe year it’s full name is Summer Movie Season 2007: Revenge of the Three.
Well actually, it was subtitled Revenge of the Thr3e, but I’m not going to play that game. If the name of the movie is really Se7en, then it should be pronounced Sesevenen, which sounds something like a Phil Collins song about a drug for erectile dysfunction.
But no, this is the year of the threes. We have a third entry in the popular yet remarkably bland Pirates of the Carribean series. We’ve got a third Bourne film. We’ve got Shrek the Third, hot of the heels of mostly unnecessary Shrek 2 which made roughly 50 jillion dollars at the box office. We have the aforementioned Spider-flick, which unlike the others, may prove to justify its existence.
Since movies serve no practical purpose, they must be art. Summer is a season. It is ’07.
The next logical step is therefore: poetry about the season with a 5-7-5 structure.
Summer Movie Preview Haiku
Spider-Man 3
Can it really do
Whatever a spider can?
Lowell is the Sandman.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Jack Sparrow’s a fop
Is it all a trick to make
Orlando look straight?
28 Weeks Later
This title sucks but
Cillian Murphy is back!
Oh . . . no he isn’t.
Shrek the Third
If you see this flick
For the first time since Norbit
Eddie Murphy smiles
Ocean’s Thirteen
I’m still hoping for
Billy Ocean’s Eleven
Caribbean queen
The Bourne Ultimatum
It could be much worse
Ben Affleck could be in it
Fucking Ben Affleck
Knocked Up
It’s that guy, you know?
The fat kid from “Undeclared”
Sometimes condoms break
The Simpsons Movie
Everybody loves
Paying ten dollars for things
They can watch for free!
Rush Hour 3
I can’t say that I
Understand the words that come
from Chris Tucker’s mouth.
Live Free or Die Hard
In the year of 3s
There arrives a number 4
But why, dear gods, why?!
Daywatch
Didn’t Nightwatch bring
Enough suffering for them
Filthy Communists?
Ratatouille
Guaranteed success
Everybody likes to think
Of rats in kitchens
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Galactus eats worlds
We don’t want the Earth eaten
I just spoiled the plot.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Potter in Summer?
December owns fantasy!
That cannot be right
Hairspray
Must not contemplate
John Travolta’s fake boobies
He was a sweat hog
Transformers
Is there any hope
That this movie won’t suck balls?
All signs point to “No.”
Invasion
I liked this movie
Each time I’ve seen it before
Don’t need a fourth time.
Halloween
August thirty-first
Is there a better time to
Release Halloween?
See you on Monday morning with a new HOW TO MAKE DECISIONS.
