The Double-Team Short Form, 05.03-04.07

How the Giants plan to fix Eli – si.com header, May 3rd, 2007

Remember, NFL coaches, be sure to spay or neuter your quarterbacks. This really means you, Hoodie Bill.

In Memoriam: Wally Schirra, frontiersman of the highest order.

In Memoriam II: Gordon Scott, former Tarzan and stalwart of the Italian muscleman movie scene.

Okay, big changes coming up Tuesday. Let’s just say that you’ll probably getting less of me for a while. I know, you’re already starting to cry, but I’ll tell you more on Tuesday. I’ve really got nothing else for the intro (other than to watch the Wachovia this weekend; hopefully Tigger and Veej can retain their positions on Saturday to make this a real Sunday duel of greats).

Hell with it, I’ll go Double-Team on this one to get it out of the way. Impact first…

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

The ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley versus Samoa Fuckin’ Joe and Rhiyno (ND, Daniels-ference): I just want to see someone try to make some kind of issue out of ROH’s stroke of good fortune in re their TV deal, with the consequent pulling of TNA stars from ROH shows, and wonder about this. Daniels technically “left” ROH on Saturday night, with that hot, hot, hot promo in Chicago that you need to buy the DVD to see (no imprecation, but you need to buy the DVD for this and the tag match, really). This was taped prior to that promo. Therefore, the TNA/ROH situation has nothing to do with this. But I hope they’re looking at the crowd response with the Dudleys, Joe, and Rhiyno in the ring together. Personally, I wouldn’t care if the tag titles are defended at Slammiversary or not if this is the face team of an eight-man.

TNA: hard-hitting action, shitty camera angles

Gail Kim over Jacqueline, Street Fight (Pinfall, oh, hell, let’s call it what is it, a VanDaminator): A cute little bit of garbage wrestling, actually. After having to watch the antics on ECW, this was definitely the sherbet that cleanses the palate. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the Vicks Vap-O-Rub that blocks the stench of putrefaction coming off of ECW right now. These two would have had to kill each other for that.

Nothing really needs to be said, does it?

Kurt Angle and Sting over Christian and A. J. Styles, No-DQ Match (Double Submission, Styles submits to both Sting and Angle, double AngleLock): It wasn’t a bad match. With the four guys involved, it couldn’t be. However, the finish left the same bad taste as the one in the Fatal Four-Way at Backlash. Obviously, something had to be done to set up the three-way at Sacrifice, but this turns Sacrifice’s title match into an Angle Advancement Match. Christian has to retain the title there in order to continue this into King of the Mountain at Slammiversary. Oh, well, it’s a free pick in the Round Table, so I’ve got no problem with it.

He ain’t heavy, he’s my fellow WWE exile

Angle Developments:

Okay, who hasn’t had a dream about beating up their boss?

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

The Boogeyman over Mister Regal (DQ, Taylor-ference): There was actually a big surprise for me in this match: Boogey matched up very well from a stylistic standpoint with Regal. It made the match not only watchable, but mildly enjoyable. They left the angle advancement stuff for the apres, the match was just about the right length…nothing to complain about. I’ll be saving that for the FudgePacker/Mattsy-Poo nightmare-fest at the transition.

And kudos to High-Quality Speaker Boy for sneaking that oblique Blue Bloods reference in there. Why not just use that name? WWE owns it now. It’s no problem. For the fans who were around during Regal and Taylor’s WCW heyday, it’d be a nice reminder of the past. For those who weren’t, it’d be merely an appropriate and effective collective identity for the two. Is there some kind of losing scenario here that I can’t figure out?

Compared to “spawn of Hell”, “Born Naughty” just doesn’t have the same ring

Brian Kendrick over Dildo (Pinfall, Sliced Bread #2): How long do we have to put up with these misfit matches? The two teams are a bad fit, and they’re worse in singles competition. Can’t we come up with different competition for Douche and Dildo, someone who’d be able to match their styles better? Oh, wait, there is a face team right now that can do that. The problem is that they’re on ECW right now. Move the Majorses over, tout suite.

How nice of Domino to jump up to meet Kendrick’s dropkick. Good manners, those boys have.

Mattsy-Poo over FudgePacker (Pinfall, Twit Of Fate): The only thought I had running through my head during this match was, “I have Spider-Man 3 downloaded. Why am I watching this crap?” Like you expect me to give a shit about this.

A pure distillation of the glorious ennui I experienced during this match

Jimmy Yang over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, moonsault): Look, WWE, I know you’re confused about this issue, so let me enlighten you a bit, okay? Cruiserweight matches should not be WWE Main Event Style punctuated by a few moments of cruiserweight-style moves. They should be something a little more sui generis. The X Division still, after all its recent depredations, provides good examples of this. Of course, if they were truly serious about making a real CW division, they’d offer contracts to Bryan Danielson and Jack Evans, and…oh, it’s no use. They won’t listen, and they’d only wreck those guys anyway.

The amount of ecstacy is smaller in this version of Testicle Ecstacy because…well, you know what they say about Asian guys

Okay, it comes to my understanding that some people may not know the origin of my use of the term “Testicle Ecstacy” for a one-legged Boston Crab, otherwise known as a half-crab. It comes from Mark Madden, actually. During Lance Storm’s debut match on Nitro, he put his opponent into his version of the half-crab, which he called the Canadian Maple Leaf; it was his finisher at the time. Madden proceeded to go spaz, as Madden is wont to do. As Storm’s opponent began to submit, Madden attempted to sell the audience on Storm’s vaunted technical ability, and ended up saying, “This is testicle…technical ecstacy!” Ever since that time, I’ve used the term Testicle Ecstacy for the half-crab. It’s an immortalization of Madden for being a dumbf*ck who can’t get his words out straight. It’s like me calling Dave Scherer “Milord”, which memorializes a particular gaffe back in 2000 that I will never, ever let him forget. Hey, you wanted to know, so I told you.

Dave Fuckin’ Finlay over Mike Mizanin (COR): Nicely structured, actually. It kept Finlay away from the Silly and allowed Mizanin to concentrate on it. Truly an example of playing to one’s strengths, which is a hallmark of Michael Hayes’ booking.

Sadly, they’re not the two most useless things on Smackdown

Montel Vontavious Porter over Kane, Number One Contender’s Match (Pinfall, Playmaker with Regal-ference): Okay, so will all of the “Porter’s Improving” brigade please form a single line and begin puckering up as I drop trou? This dull, plodding match puts the lie to Porter’s alleged improvement. Remember what I said Tuesday? Put Porter in there with someone who’s not of Benoit’s skills. Then we can see how much he’s improved. In this match, he essentially did nothing. Kane is sure as hell not supportive of a wrestler as Benoit is, and also has a tendency to wrestle to the level of his competition to boot. Go look elsewhere for your evidence, Porter supporters.

Kane’s trying to figure out if what they say is true: squeeze Porter’s head, and shit comes out of it

Angle Developments:

Not a thing. Everything was in service to next week’s required title change in a cage.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve got to try to get some more stuff done before I get back to work on Monday night. See you around this weekend for that other stuff, and next Tuesday for more.

Tags: