TNAnalysis – May 3, 2007

Reviews, Shows, TV Shows

We start out with a video recap from last week, although this one has the Jarrett/Young/Roode thingamabobber appear as the first thing, as opposed to being later in the show as it was. Is ths some kind of revisionist re-imagining of the order of the show last week, to suggest that they opened with some kind of hot angle with Jarrett, as opposed to having it sandwiched in between the rest of last week? Nah, probably just an arbitrary editing decision.

Intro by Tenay and West, and Sting is walking down to the ring, and before I even know what’s gong on, Kurt Angle is already on him with a chair, having waited in the ring for him. Diagonal! Pretty sneaky, Kurt…

Anyone? Eh? Eh? Alright, moving on…umm, they’re separated by TNA officials and whatnot.

Backstage, Borash is with Christian Cage, who’s laughing at the whole mess in the ring, and decides he’s going to go out there and settle it for these two knuckleheads, Dr. Phil-style, because “it’s all about psychology, baby boy.” You know, I always got tired of people treating Michael Cole like crap when he was backstage, but if everyone did it like Christian Cage, where he doesn’t hurt them, but uses him as their props, I think I’d be alright with it.

Now, we’re back in the ring! Sting and Kurt Angle are arguing and, I gotta tell ya, Sting is definitely the one that seems to make sense, and Angle seems like an out-of-his-mind douchebag nutcase. See, Angle’s angry about Sting hitting him with a bat last week, but Sting points out that he interrupted his title match like an immature little psychopath. Good, good.

So then, Christian Cage comes out with a proposition for them. They team up against him and AJ Styles, and the winner will get the title shot; however, if he and Styles win, then NEITHER of them get the title shot, and they both leave him a lone for a spell. Sound good? It better, because even though it’s “pending approval by Jim Cornette”…c’mon, when is it not? Didn’t Cornette just make a big deal about HIM making the title matches around there? I’m betting he conveniently forgets.

We now get thrown back to Team 3D, who are in the back with Letitia, as Brother Ray says that they’re going to have a nice long title reign, and they’re going to defend their titles in a three-way-dance with Tomko and Steiner and LAX. What the hell? Why Tomko and Steiner? can’t you make a tag team out of some X Division guys or something instead of those two wastes of skin? Ugh…oh, but tonight, they’re going through Samoa Joe and Rhino (what about THEM?! THEY’RE better than Steiner and Tomko! Please, TNA, I’m begging you!), and they’re into it, telling Samoa Joe, “We’ve heard so much about you.” See, I’d much rather some other big galoots were put into this match, as…well, Steiner and Tomko don’t even seem to like each other, so I suppose that there’s an interesting dynamic between them, but, frankly, I think this highlights something bigger.

TNA has no tag teams left, just like the WWE. Other than LAX and Team 3D, all of the tag teams have basically split up. Whose left? Well, Seratonin, and I’d be okay with that, but they’re basically relegated to the background, so we get nothing out of them. However, something should be said for how clever they are about it, as they highlight thi long, bloody, ongoing feud between Team 3D and LAX, and they make it seem like these two teams are having a war, when the real truth is that there ARE no more teams.

Samoa Joe and Rhino vs. Team 3D

Upon Joe’s entrance, Tenay says, “He’s TNA’s version of the machine, Samoan submission.” Wha-huh?

(Commercial)

Team 3D enters, and so Rhino gets left in the cold in terms of entrances…awww…

Samoa Joe and Rhino vs. Team 3D

“3D sucks” chant in the audience? Hmm…lockup with Rhino and Devon, and some back and forthery that ends with Rhino on the mat. Tag to Ray, who helps Devon knock down Rhino, but Rhino gets up and tags in Joe, and we have a quick little faceoff between Joe and Ray, which ends with the snapmare and chop from Joe, but he misses the kneedrop, and Ray gives him a MASSIVE German Suplex, but Joe pops right up and gives Ray a T-bone, but then HE pops right up and they fight to a standstill. Nice. Joe ends up in the Team 3D corner, and Devon guillotines him on the rope from the outside, and he richochets into a Ray backdrop suplex. Luckily, Joe gets to the outside, as Rhino comes in and spears Ray, and as things get good, Christopher Daniels runs down to the ring to screw the whole thing up. However, the competition between the teams stop, and they just WAIL on Daniels, but the best part is when Team 3D sets up for their titular finisher, but Rhino just gores him through a table, and Team 3D looks at him like, “What the hell?” Joe, Rhino, and Team 3D all raise their arms together in victory. Actually, this would be an AWESOME faction, but would TNA take the focus off of Sting and Angle to allow some kind of feud between them and Team Cage? Eh, they’ll all forget it by next week.

Borash is in the back with Christian Cage and AJ Styles, where AJ Styles earns more of my affection; after telling Christian that he’s tired of being put into matches by Christian, and getting all angry about it, Christian assures him that the benefit of this is that when these two palookas are taken out, the road to the title will be open to the “phenomenal one.” AJ thinks about it for a minute, and then says, “Great, there’s someone ELSE that’s phenomenal,” and he gets EVEN MORE upset, but Christian finally spells out that he’s referring to him. AJ thinks for a second, and then slowly, almost timidly, moves in for a hug. Just fantastic stuff, as idiotic-but-talented as a character is again hugely amusing; however, the man can never be a face again, at least not a main event level one, as I’m not sure an audience wants a world champion whose character is purposefully a blithering fool. Mick Foley as Mankind was naive; there’s a difference.

(Commercial)

We come back to a video recap of the Roode/Young fiasco, and we’re then sent to Robert Roode in the ring. Roode says that he’s going to fire Eric, so he should get out there. Ms. Brooks has a neck brace on, which reminds me: heel managers in neckbraces, selling the injury, are always funny. Think about it.

However, Jim Cornette comes out instead, and Jim Cornette comes out to explain this RIDICULOUS contract scenario, saying that Eric had a TNA contract before he had a contract with Robert Roode Inc., and that ROODE is the one that can get fired for making Eric in breach of contract. What the hell?! You spent months taking us through all of this, and it turns out that the whole thing was moot from the get-go? Ridiculous, and it makes the last few months seem like a tremendous waste of time, when Cornette could have magically come out and fixed everything. However, he does call Ms. Brooks a “floatation floozy,” which is kind of amusing, but then Roode hits Cornette.

But then, Eric Young’s music hits, and he takes down Roode. He goes to the outside, looks under the ring, finds a guitar, and the audience goes crazy. However, as he comes into the ring, Roode gets the upper hand, and DDTs him. Ms. Brooks produces some handcuffs, and they tie him up in the corner. Roode grabs the guitar, drops his tagline, and smashes him over the head with the guitar. You know, they really have to start filling those guitars with some dust like they used to, because it really doesn’t look all that painful when they get hit with some hollow balsa wood. Anyway, security chases Roode away, and Cornette is back in the ring. He’s pretty well peeved at Roode, and sets up Roode vs. Jarrett for Sacrifice. That’ll be…meh. Why not Roode vs. Eric, as that’s where all the heat is.

(Commercial)

Don West introduces the footage of the Abyss beatdown, basically saying that it’s pretty graphic, which it is. James Mitchell talks over that footage, as well as other footage mixed in, saying that he made Abyss what he was, and now it’s time to move on. What big goof will join his dark army? Let the speculation begin!

TNA Knockout Streetfight: Jackie Moore vs. Gail Kim

Gail doesn’t have music? Anyway, she smashes Jackie with a cookie sheet, and Jackie goes to the outside. Gail follows her, but she gets dropped on the guardrail, and they fight up the ramp. Jackie knocks her down, and gets a two on a pin attempt. They end up back in the ring, and Gail fills it with plunder. She takes a trash can and puts it over a stunned Jackie, then wails on it with…is that a golf club? Pin attempt on Jackie gets two, and Jackie recovers by giving Gail a hockey stick across the gut. However, Gail comes back at her with powder to the eyes, and she uses a bra to choke her out (well, that’s new), but Jackie gets to the ring apron and rakes at Gail’s eyes. Jackie goes to the outside and grabs a chair, but Gail dropkicks it into her face for the pin.

Post-match, James Storm comes out, and his distraction is enough to give Jackie a chance to take Gail down. However, before he can hit Gail with the beer bottle, Chris Harris comes down and REMOVES THE EYEPATCH. Oh, it’s ON, now. Oh yeah, Storm runs away, Harris looks at him, and people still don’t really care that much. Or, at least, *I* don’t care that much. They are in a Texas Death Match at the next PPV, though, so at least they’ll be allowed to actually wrestle.

(Commercial)

Paparazzi Productions stuff, with Bob Backlund brawling with Chris Sabin and, frankly, Backlund is doing a pretty good job of taking him down. However, Alex Shelley puts the camera down and helps Sabin out, and they get a book, which, according to Shelley, is what they came for. Your guess is as good as mine.

Christian Cage and AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle

Lockup between Angle and Cage, and Angle goes against the ropes and knocks Cage down with a shoulderblock. Cage is forced into the corner, and gets a flurry of right hands from Angle, but Cage reverses and hits some knife-edge chops, but it’s reversed again into more right hands. Cage goes to the top and jumps off, only to be caught by Angle and thrown over his shoulder. Tag to Sting, who dropkicks Cage, then knocks Styles down, and he gorilla presses Cage. Pump splash on Cage for two. Sting knocks Styles down again, but AJ pulls his legs out from under him, and Sting gets crotched on the ringpost by Cage and Styles.

(Commercial)

During the break, Sting got his ass kicked. That being said, Sting is STILL getting his ass kicked, with Cage pulling his head down to the mat. Punchout between Sting and AJ, and AJ pulls Sting’s legs out, only to get monkeyflipped. Hot tag to Angle, who clotheslines everyone. German suplex to Cage, German on AJ reversed, but then AJ eats a German suplex with the full backflip. Sting back in the ring, and a double team by AJ and Cage is reversed. Double Stinger Splash on Cage and AJ in the corner. Scorpion Death Drop on Cage, but Angle breaks it up and two. They argue amongst each other, but stop when they get charged by Styles, and give him a double uranage. Sting offers to give Angle the pin, but it gets broken up by Cage with a chair. Cage beats on them for awhile, but gets belly-to-belly suplexed out of the ring by Angle. AJ tries to attack, but gets his legs pulled out from under him, and Sting and Angle each grab an ankle and apply anklelocks and, predictably, AJ taps out to BOTH of them.

So now what? Naturally, Cornette says, “To hell with it,” and they BOTH get the title shot. Tenay says that everyone is happy except for christian Cage, as he has to beat both of these guys, but I imagine AJ isn’t too pleased about being the odd man out.

End of show. Goodnight, Orlando!

The Inside Pulse
Not too much to complain about, except for the absolute nonsense with the Eric Young story. Still, I am HOPING that they do something with Team 3D, Rhino and Joe, as I think that could make a great stable to combat Team Cage.

See, I don’t read the spoilers, so I feel like you all know so much more than me…

Anyway, there’s promise, as usual, and I think Cage/Sting/Angle could be fun, so let’s be optomistic for a change.

Just…keep the gimmickry out of that one and let them tear the house down.

Ivan prides himself on being a wrestling fan that can tie both of his own shoes by himself, as well as having an analytic mind when it comes to the fake sport that he's loved ever since he watched Jake Roberts DDT Boris Zhukov on Prime Time Wrestling.