Hey all, I’m Tom Pandich. It’s Raw. It’s Live. It’s now.
Orton/Cena tonight. We also have a Judgement Day announcement tonight. We’re LIVE from Penn State. Coach is in the ring and introduces Vinnie Mac. Vince comes out and is booed. The doo-rag looks awful. Vince recaps Khali’s rampage taking out Shawn, Randy, Edge, and finally John Cena. The WWE Video staff is amazing. They make the Great Khali almost look watchable….. almost.
Vince is about to announce the Great Khali VS John Cena. Thankfully Shawn Michaels comes out…. and asks for a #1 Contender’s match with Khali tonight. Vince makes it happen and it’ll be no DQ. Shawn goes away and Vince starts to go on about how great he is. Here comes Bobby Lashley though.
Vince runs down Lashley. If Lashley touches Vince, Shane, or Umaga unprovoked he’ll lose his title shot. Lashley challenges Vince for the title at Judgement Day. He gets a rematch from Backlash. Vince runs down Lashley. He begs for Bobby to beat him down. Lashley has a bit of restraint and doesn’t. He does give a lame beat down to the Coach though.
In the back, Candice needs Mickey James to tie her bra. Diva shit next.
WWE Rewind: Candice is useful.
Candice Michelle and Mickey James vs Victoria and Melina
Candice Michelle starts with drop kicks and head hip tosses on Victoria. Tag to Melina/tag to Mickey. Hits a few drop kicks and then Candice comes off the top and essentially crotches herself to do damage to Melina’s arm. Melina gets dropped quickly only to tag out quickly. Face in minor peril I suppose.
Mickey James runs over Melina and Victoria. Blind tag brings Candice back in. Candice hits the bicycle kick on Melina for the win.
Winner: Mickey James and Candice Michelle
Up next, Santino’s first IC title defense.
We’re back. The WWE (especially Mick Foley) helps out and loves kids. Not just any kids though….. retard kids! Batista is no where to be seen.
IC Title Match: Santino Marella vs Chris Masters
Cute, they say Santino’s weight in kilos. Masters throws Santino around a bit. Santino wants a fight though. Santino is all over Masters. I stop paying attention as it’s a pretty punchie/kickie match. Masters runs his shoulder into the ringpost. Santino rolls him up for the win.
Winner: Santino Marella
We’re back and KENNEDY IS HERE! Mr. Kennedy has a Wrestlemania 24 countdown. He says Kennedy a few times.
In the back, Randy Orton wants to put his life back on track. So there’s that. Commercials.
We’re back and we’ve got technical problems. Oh okay, we’re back and we’ve got a shit match.
The Highlanders vs Umaga
Good to see Umaga has some direction in his career. Umaga runs over both guys. Two thumbs of doom. He rolls Rory on to Robby and splashes both of them off the top rope to win.
WWE is still pushing the Condemned. Khali comes out.
We’re back and Edge gets into it with Ken Kennedy. Edge challenges Kennedy for his briefcase. Kennedy refuses only to be called a chicken… can’t have that, can we? Edge/Kennedy tonight.
No DQ #1 Contendership Match: Shawn Michaels vs the Great Khali
Michaels attacks Khali early but gets shoved off. He runs into a boot though. Khali tries for the big boot but misses. Shawn rolls out and hits a chair shot. Upstairs and nails the elbow. Khali catches the super kick and hits a clubbing blow. Khali hits lame offense. Michales gouges the eyes and proceeds to choke out Khali. Michaels tries for a DDT through the table only to get tossed by Khali. Double arm chokeslam by Khali through the announcer’s table. The ref calls the match for Khali. Mullet kid is saddened by this.
Winner: The Great Khali
We get the three recaps. Cena is talking… next.
Todd Grisham is doing the interview. Cena shouts about things. Many things. He’ll win though.
Meanwhile, Cryme Tyme tells us about the Cryme Tyme Mutha’$ Day $ale. They steal Viscera. They steal Eugene’s pills. They steal Ron Simmons hummer. Um, then Spider Man comes out. It’s funny though because he’s fat. JTG hits him with a bat since he’s batman. They steal his money too. Mmmkay.
The Hardy Boys vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Cade and Murdoch are back at ringside. Murdoch is chewing his dip. I completely don’t watch the match. Hardy’s get the win after a Twist of Fate followed by a Swanton Bomb.
Winner: The Hardy Boys
Cade and Murdoch come in and shake the Hardys hands. They accept this week.
Last week, Carlito and Ric Flair implode. This week Carlito talks about it.
Um, Snitsky promo video? Okay….
Here comes Carlito with Torrie. Carlito talks about how Ric Flair ruined Carlito. Carlito calls out Flair, but Flair is in Vegas apparently. Carlito yells Spanish at Torrie calling her worthless and what not. Carlito spouts out more madness. JR says Torrie Wilson doesn’t even understand Spanish. Ahahaha.
Tomorrow RVD takes on Vince, Shane, and Umaga.
MITB match: Edge vs Mr. Kennedy
Edge attacks Kennedy on the entrance ramp. Edge uses monitor shot! It’s super effective. The ref tells Kennedy doesn’t have to do this. Kennedy used Endure! He endured the attack. Edge uses Spear! Mr. Kennedy faints.
Winner and new Money in the Bank holder: Edge
Edge gains one title shot. What? Edge is evolving. Bum bum baaahhh bum bum bum. Doo doo doo, dootdootdoot doot doo. Edge has become Mr. Money in the Bank. Edge has learned suitcase shot which he proceeds to do twice.
Orton/Cena is next.
John Cena vs Randy Orton
Cena rolls up Randy Orton twice. Cena takes a punch or two before nailing a fisherman’s suplex for two. Cena charges Orton in the corner only to ram his shoulder into the corner. Orton stomps away and hits the knee drop for two. Headlock on Cena. Cena powers out of it and kicks Orton in the gut.
Orton misses a clothesline and eats a flying shoulder block. Clotheslines followed by a protobomb. Five knuckle shuffle and here’s Khali. He steals the belt. Orton pummels a distracted Cena only to get tossed into the STFU. Orton makes it to the ropes, but Cena leaves him to go after Khali. Khali turns the belt into Cena’s head (it’s not really a belt shot per se) and Raw ends with that? What?
The Inside Pulse
-Candice Michelle and Mickey James won over Victoria and Melina with a bicycle kick.
-Santino Marella retained his IC title with a roll up on Chris Masters.
-Umaga squashed the Highlanders.
-The Great Khali KOed Shawn Michaels with a double chokeslam through the announcer’s table.
-The Hardys beat the World’s Greatest Tag Team in convincing fashion.
-Edge destroyed Mr. Kennedy and now has the Money in the Bank title shot.
-Orton and Cena had a sports entertainment finish with the worst belt shot in the history of wrestling by the See Me After Class Khali.
Tags: Raw, WWE