SATURDAY EVENING POST
This is the teaser, boys. Badmouthing and knowing too many people, Prelude to Farewell, TNA PPV Preview, a message and What FLEA was doing five years ago, today. As I type, not as you read, which could be who knows when. Chop, Chop. This is an exclusive warm-up, BOSS
Hello. I’m Flea. Or, since everyone seems to have a title around here, I’m Goddamn Sir Flea of Crown Royal! – but I don’t expect to see anyone genuflecting on my behalf. Those days are long gone – it’s what happens when you ain’t dependable. Like Sir Eric S.
I have noticed a lot of new names, that’s good. But beware, BOSS rides ’em till they die.
BOSS is Widro. I’ve watched the boy turn into a man – and not gain a pound, despite the fact he’s a brutal, womanizing, alcoholic and spends most of his time in front of a computer, stoned on low-rent marijuana. Somehow, he managed to make a success of himself in New York City…making more money than most of you will see in your lifetime, and foolishly squirreling it away in his Superman pillowcase. If only he’d taken my advice a few years ago – he could be
Living The Fleabag Loca. Luckily, he’s still young enough to change that, if only BOSS would stop taking Sinatra so goddamn seriously. "My Way"… my ass.
You are probably right. That’s not nice. At all. But I’ve learned it helps to have a trainwreck intro with these columns. That way, it’s either uphill, or downhill, depending on your point of view
All of us are masochists and marks to do this in the first place. Although, the absolute joy of seeing your words in print, and knowing someone is reading them is taken for granted these days. There aren’t many lurkers anymore. Every asshole has a blog. Or a My Space account. Everyone knows everyone’s opinion, whether you like it or not
Familiarity breeds contempt. And perversion. The thing about sharing your life with people – not personally, but on the scale of a my space or blog…come to think of it, that does get pretty personal. Anytime I think of My Space, or blogs in general, I think of Scotsman. And Netcop. One told about every asset of his life – some of the goddamn funniest stuff you’ll ever read – and by doing that attracted a large group of …what’s a nice way of saying this – some weird motherf*ckers. And they all hated Netcop, who never shared his personal life but was cruelly exposed by said weird motherf*ckers. Jay Bower too. The good old days.
Now – everyone has the same rap. The weird motherf*ckers have their own blogs, or my space accounts, and have developed a following of their own – Murderous Perverts. It’s one thing to be Some Random Fag and be "First". It’s dire straits when YOUR Random Fag shows up to blow your brains out or ties you up and shoves his fist in your ass.
It’s become a strange circle. Years ago, you used to go home to get away from everyone. Socialize in public and feel free to be an anti-social recluse when no one was looking. Now, people spill their guts from a keyboard, and publicly tune the world out, with Ipods and the like.
I was in the airport bar the other day and couldn’t even strike up a conversation with the Bartender – the asshole was on a BlackBerry probably arguing with his f*cking horoscope. At least that’s what I was thinking. I sat and watched him for a good five minutes, wondering what could be more important than making me a vodka and orange juice? I never asked. The waitress came over and said "he’s always like that". So, that’s what it’s come to; non-socializing bartenders and weird motherf*ckers only a chained door away. And you can’t even smoke anywhere, anymore. No wonder people blog. It takes away the pressure of having to be in public.
So, how about some wrestling talk! Come on, let’s go!
FIRST OFF
I’ll probably do more on this, once I see how ONE NIGHT STAND plays out. I’ll be there. In Jacksonville, attending what is claimed to be Rob Van Damn’s last match. I’m pretty sure I was there for his first one. At least the first one in the ECW Arena. I never liked the guy, but there is no denying he is fun to watch, when he is allowed to break format.
His curtailing his style to fit WWE standards, for the most part, has lead to some of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. Bad timing, the same 5 moves…horrible. But when he’s on, and has time, there ain’t too many people that put on a better show. A show that gets the crowd into it, and let’s you suspend suspending disbelief, as you KNOW he is going to sell something other than his own ***** Frog Splash, but he never does. The same glee as watching Flair climb up for whatever off the top.
I wish the best for the guy. I think he got his chances and blew them for several different reasons, but he has also been jerked around by people that "work" to dead silence. The one time they did give him the ball to a certain degree, he gets busted for something that shouldn’t even be illegal. As opposed to – whatever. He was doomed from the moment that Shane stole his Van Terminator at the WM 17 . Before he was even HIRED.
Then he worked too stiff. Then he couldn’t cut a Main Event promo. You know the stories. But there is a place for everyone and everyone is put in their place – he’s a career midcarder and should be happy with it. They should have used him as such. And really developed a solid mid card. I mean a SOLID midcard. One that draws, instead of burning all the candles at once
But, that’s for next week, maybe. Or soon. For any of you that think him going to TNA is a good idea, you’re nuts. Maybe we will get a few matches that are "dreams", but they’ll be f*cked over with stupid booking and it’ll be a total waste in the long run of everyone’s time and money. Which allows me to segue directly into a TNA PPV preview
One more thought. If he does go to TNA, after the thrill is gone (2 PPVs), be amazed as his "character" is refreshed for the X-Division by Kevin Nash. "Our V.D. – Gynecologist". That way – the crowd can chant "OUR V.D"…and hold up signs that say "OUR V.D"…then between moves, he can go into the audience and – you get the rest.
The Wit. It’s not a great joke until it’s beaten into the ground! OUR VD! OUR VD! OUR VD!
TOP STORY
TNA Sacrifice is this Sunday – did Eric S make a reference to TNA’s constant rip off of 80’s songs to name their PPV’s? He usually points that out…I’ll check later
Anyway, Sacrifice is a song by Sir Elton John and a fine one at that. Here’s some of the lyrics:
Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act
We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns
Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through
And it’s no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It’s two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it’s no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It’s no sacrifice at all
Marvelous. How that relates to wrestling, I have no idea. But, you will, on some level, be able (and most likely have the burning need) to relate that sentiment to your local cable operator when crying the blues for a refund. If that’s your M.O., they ought to just name everyone of these lousy f*ckers Against All Odds
PPV used to be TNA’s calling card. And not the weekly shows – many of which I have re-capped around here somewhere in the archives. Great matches, top to bottom. Well, maybe until you got to the Main Event, but at least you got your money’s worth – unlike the butt-suckers WWE was putting on at the time. These days, let’s check the card
Christian Cage vs. Sting vs. Kurt Angle for NWA title
I don’t even know where to begin. Who is the set up man for the next Jarrett run? When does Joe get his promised turn? I really try to look at wrestling from the outside, instead of trying to match politics and booking to outcome, but with TNA it’s become impossible.
There is no reason whatsoever that Angle shouldn’t have been given the belt his first match with the company and not lost for at a year. Maybe two. Fight off all contenders. With CLEAN WINS. And safe matches – or as safe as Angle is willing to make them. No chairs. No outside the ring nonsense. Just wrestling – everyone up and down the card. Maybe a challenger a week – or every other week – from the mid card, etc. Build to a Main Event program with one top guy. Get two PPVs out of it. Rinse. Repeat.
Angle’s major thorn in his side? Samoan Joe. And have Joe chasing his heart out after the belt. Hell – you could do this for two, maybe three years. As long as Angle would hold up, and Joe is practically a healthy born baby compared to most in the business today. Face / Heel could be blurred at random. But for a reason – everyone wants Angle, everyone wants the belt. You can’t tell face from heel nowadays anyway – and for no reason other than (whoever is booking this crap) is impatient and can’t string two coherent
thoughts together, even when paid
If they would have started this line of thinking years ago, instead of hotshotting or bullshitting themselves into thinking they could compete, on any level, with WWE, we might have a viable Number Two promotion. As things stand, it gets no better and won’t until someone is gracious enough to pull the plug on the current line of thinking and plan long term.
The only thing going for them at the moment is the "ability" to make changes to the way shows are presented (wrestling centric) and a national platform / PPV to do so. No matter what the WWE "should" do, as long as Vince is alive / in control, the square box view of WWE wrestling will not change. Which is fine for them, it’s not like they can go broke. But the window of opportunity for TNA to "be different" is closing.
As far as the match? A gimmicked 3-way. Over under on ref bumps is 2. Probably a run in. I think we’ve seen this movie too.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Robert Roode
They are fighting because JJ broke a gee-tawr over Ms. Brooks head and then brutally beat her down. Or maybe that was the other way around. All I know is misogyny is a hell of an angle for a guy’s wife fighting for her life. Oh, I’m sorry – we can’t "blame" Russo, because he’s only a cog in the machine. Well then – all of you can wake up dead
Team 3-D vs. LAX vs. Scott Steiner & Tomko for NWA tag titles
Good thing 3D and LAX have the opportunity to redeem themselves after being put into a no-win "great match quality" situation, surround by a lousy – oops. Oh Look! Another 3 way! I’ll give Big Bad Booty Pump credit for breaking out that FrankenSteiner and continuing to be my favorite guilty pleasure. I wouldn’t give Typecast Thompson the time of day, even if it meant that he only had until 3pm to get to Wal*Mart for the last chance sale of a Pot to Piss in. Seriously – why is this guy employed? I’d like to see 3D and LAX *really* get the chance to bring the violence…actually, what I’d like to see is Timmy TuTone get beat with a fork. Steiner rules
*Chris Harris vs. James Storm Texas death match
Talk about two guys that have been f*cked around. And I don’t mean that alleged nonsense in Bob Ryder’s apartment, catfish. Harris and Storm, America’s Most Wanted, were the best tag team in the business for several years running…every time they would try and break them up, cooler heads would prevail. Now, dick heads prevail. It’s hard to f*ck up a Texas Deathmatch for quality entertainment, and I hope Harris and Storm aren’t dealt a deck of cards to do so; both can deliver a good match. And maybe after this they can kiss and make up. A great Asshole Redneck Tag Team, in my opinion. 100 times better than anything you will see out of Cade and Murdoch. And that’s nothing against the latter team – it just seems like violent redneck tag teams aren’t given a chance to shine these days. It may be because we are pre-conditioned to thinking that country folk need to be fat and have a hogpen to whooop it up – or maybe Vince (both of them) just likes like to put the "Cunt" in Country and enjoys making anyone from the South look like a rube
Speaking of which (as it pertains to TNA) – where are Jarrett and Dutch to stop this nonsense? DIXIE Carter? You’d think the South would rise, but – you’d be blindfolded. Hyuck
*Chris Sabin vs. Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for X title
Eh – it was better when the X-Division guys had no personality and didn’t take the advice of someone who has never drawn a dime. But is FUNNY. I liked it when they just went out and had blow-away matches. It has the possibility to be just that, but…"Black Machismo"? To bad the name Abysmo Negro isn’t available. Rumor has it that Nash had something in mind for Sonjay, but was afraid of the Arab crowd it would draw. I think Nash may be just afraid of drawing crowds
*Basham (Doug) & Damaja (Danny Basham) vs. Kip & B.G. James
I’ll stare at Hemme, I guess. She is really cute in person. I was leaning towards sexy before I met her, but she’s just too damn happy. Like a weird fake happy, if you know what I mean. Kind of like someone held captive. The bubbly personality seems to be hiding "HELP ME". I suggested to her – paint a sign on your head "EM PLEH"…like Al Snow! Actually, what I suggested to (deleted) was "ENOLA EM EVAEL TUB LRIG EHT OT TNAW OUY THAW OD". And that was that
Rhino vs. Christopher Daniels
This will be great. I like them both – and they both seem to fit what they need to do in the allotted time given, with maximum results. Going back to my original thought, Rhino and Daniels would have been perfect Main Event slaughters for Angle to get the belt – and everyone else – over. It could still happen, but I’m to busy smoking to hold my breath
A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe
Another good one – same as above. Maybe this PPV won’t be a total waste of money.
Tiger Mask vs. Senshi vs. Alex Shelley vs. Jerry Lynn
This probably ain’t the same Tiger Mask I grew up with. And Tape Traded for. Low Ki needs his old name back and mic time every week. "Could you lower your voice?" HAW! GRUT!. I know nothing about Shelly. Lynn…jeez, it’s not that *I* don’t like him, but the rest of the wrestling industry certainly doesn’t. He’s on a Benoit / Finlay level, but is lucky to have a job. Guess he’s not funny.
And there you go – I’ll watch, I guess. I’ll have to…I have plans
QUICK MESSAGE FROM MORSE
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PAGE SIX
Here’s something. I wrote this on 5-11-02, five years ago today, as part of an EXCESS report. Ain’t it funny how time slips away. For those of you that don’t know, EXCESS was a WWE (f-you) Saturday evening "recap" kind of show – you had to be there…or just look them up in the archives.
I wrote these reports, all except a few, sitting poolside at 6am on Sunday mornings, smoking a joint, drinking champagne and orange juice. They remain my favorites of anything I’ve done.
Around this time in 02, about 6 or 7 months into the show, they changed format. "From the Vault" was the early incarnation of WWE 24/7 – before they had the rights to EVERYTHING. Late in the show, you would get a classic match. Change in format = no classic "From the Vault" match. Rat Pricks
Which may have lead to the mood I was in that morning – I had to improvise. So I recapped my favorite fight. Fangol
* * * * *
Remember how EXCESS used to have From the Vault. You know…a classic match that set this show apart from the other shows…?
Well, whatever. For you entertainment and enjoyment here is a classic match
FROM THE FLEA’S BAG – Sonny vs. Carlo, Godfather Part I
THE PROMO
Sonny: What happened?
Adrian: (crycrycry) It’s my fault!
Sonny: shhhhhshhhshhhshhhshhshhhhhh…I’m gonna have the doctor come take a look
at ya…
Adrian: Please Sonny…don’t do anything…
Sonny: Whattama gonna do? Make that baby an orphan before he’s born?
***
THE FIGHT
Carlo is the mack daddy, pimpin large in his orange suit, on the porch. Sonny’s car pulls up and it’s ON LIKE BRACIOLE~!….Sonny blurs the line betwix heel and face as he throws a stick at Carlo. Quick chase along the streets of Little Itly, with Sonny quickly catching up to that rat prick Carlo and turning this into a SQUASH~!. Sonny temperamentally throws Carlo over the fire escape rail and goes to work on him. Right to the gut, left to the gut, left cross, right cross, uppercut to the gut and Carlo is DOWN….oh f*ck, STIFF knee by Sonny to the face as Carlo slumps. Kick to the face, knee to the heart, kick to the gut. I get the feeling that Sonny is pissed…
Sonny grabs the hair and punches Carlo in the face, twice. As Carlo holds on for dear life, Sonny grabs the fingers and goes to CHAWIN BABY~!…it’s the GRECO ROMAN….naw…the Greeks ain’t got a damn thing to do with this….it’s the DAGO DEATH BITE~!… Carlo screams like a pussy. Sonny works the leg, but only for the reason of PULLING OFF THE SHOE~!…and then THROWS it in Carlos’s face!
Sonny with the trash can….WHAM! Straight into that no account WOP’S head and then THREE shots with the lid just because he don’t like gnocchis…paisano my ass, pissayou f*ckayou.
Carlo is crawling…kick to the gut and another and another…
SONNY: You touch my sister again…and I’ll kill you.
Kick once more and Carlos is all wet. And beat up. Sonny walks off as the children stare.
* * * * *
After reading that recap – I should probably give you some FLEA ADVICE. It ain’t "ripping off" when you combine 3 or more different people’s "material and style" into your own. It’s original
Thanks for reading!
FLEA
