My Music Career: A Look Forward

The worst thing about the impending future is that complete lack of knowledge of what is going to happen. If I know that I will be smacked hard in the neck by a loose cannon ball at a Civil War reenactment gone awry, be paralyzed from the nose down for three years, only to develop the last recorded case of polio and die, it would be nice to know that beforehand so I can get my affairs in order.

Also, with a career in the arts, one never knows how or when the next project is going to come about. Therefore, my talented friend Adam and I decided to plan out our music career ahead of time in order to plant our future on more solid ground.

The main plan is that with the release of each new album we will have a completely different band name… a reinvention, if you will. Don’t think of it as the puddle jump from Jefferson Airplane to Jefferson Starship. These will be disturbing chock-a-block genre leaps like no one has ever seen since Extreme sang “More Than Words”.

Our entire discography and career goes as follows…

June 2008
The Bingham Flute Cooperative – Let Me Feel Your Fever
(A Little Like Saturday Looks Good To Me meets The View)

Late fall 2009
Thrift Store Grifters – Hung Like Headless Horsemen
(Tortoise meets Dusty Springfield)

Early December 2009
Le Vuursh – Druggernaut
(Daft Punk meets Animal Collective, to be recorded during an ether binge in a hollowed out synagogue)

September 11, 2011
Pasty Lee – Misappropriation of Sorrow
(Neko Case + Bright Eyes + Big Star)

March 2013
While on-stage recording a Live in Oswego, Michigan DVD, Adam crushes a hobo’s head in with a hammer and large, well-publicized break-up ensues.

August 2015
Reunion show at the Metro followed by an all night recording session.
The I Don’t Know Yous – The I Don’t Know Yous Are Dead
(The Strokes’ hooks + Arctic Monkeys’ power + the drummer from Pantera)

January 1, 2016
Bantro Celeste – Gulchfeather
(Living Colour + Devendra Banhart + the sound of Mickey Rooney desperately chewing through the final beefy bits of a Big Montana at Arby’s)

Summer 2017
R.I.P Dizzee Rascal benefit album
KAnG VulGRR – Wikka Pokk
(Think Bjork pre-Homogenic mixed with Thelonious Monk post-Monk’s Dream feat. Madvillain, Rhymefest, The Streets, and an O.D.B. “lost track”)

Fall 2017
Dan kidnaps Adam’s children, then “finds the kidnapper and rescues the children” and tries to return them for the reward money. There is another, less-publicized break-up.

Spring 2020
Timbaland and Rick Rubin convince us to reunite and enter the studio to produce the new album
So Crenshaw Demise – Anti-Anti-Anti-Establishment
(British Sea Power + early James Taylor + Death Cab for Cutie’s The Photo Album + a sprinkle, mind you, a sprinkle of Loggins & Messina)

Early May 2025
Care Bears – Soundtrack to Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation
(Architecture in Helsinki backed by Primus as recorded through a quarter-mile of air-conditioning ventilation ducts)

Everything will come to a head on July 4, 2025 when our manager, one Russ Gallant, takes Adam and I out on his boat to watch the fireworks. As we stare skyward in amazement, Russ, having just cleared the last pennies from our bank accounts, gets into the life raft and heads to Canada. Adam and I are forced to eat one another in the middle of Lake Michigan. We were not rescued because in 2025 a cloaking device had been invented and Russ used our own money to buy one and use it against us. We bleed to death in one another’s arms—I in Adam’s arms and he in my stumps… because he ate my arms.

Special thanks to Adam Heun for most of the content of this article.