Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
As I prepare to take a 12-day vacation, I again apologize for last week’s missed column. I’ve been so incredibly busy with getting my shit together, and opted to use the time last week for the Madlib review and The Wednesday Review Roundup instead of this column. While I’m away, Mathan and possibly Fingdro will be making sure that nothing explodes or catches fire. But I’ve got packing to do, so let’s go…
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Rapper THE GAME was arrested on Friday on suspicion of making criminal threats, after LAPD officers had searched his home for more than three hours, as part of an investigation into an incident that took place in February. While the specifics of the incident were not revealed the authorities, The SMonday Swindle Sheet‘s Assumptions Department has concluded that The Game took a crap outside of Mike Eagle’s house. What an asshole. Seriously. As The Game was taken away from his home in a squad car, he told news cameras, “I want to say that I’m not guilty, and I love California—especially the lush, inviting greenery in front of Open Mike Eagle’s house.”
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE BUT NOW CURRENTLY KNOWN ONCE AGAIN AS JUST “PRINCE“ was assailed on-stage by an overzealous fan during a show in London on Thursday. As the singer was performing, a fan jumped up on stage and embraced him, kissing him on the lips and knocking him to the ground. Startled, Prince ran backstage, returning several minutes later—after the assailant had been escorted out by security—to tell the crowd, “I’m so ashamed I let a total stranger kiss me.” Singer BEVERLEY KNIGHT, who had also performed that night, told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, “It was so disgusting. I can’t believe anyone would be that disrespectful. What makes you think you can behave that way with Prince? Lil Jon, I could see, although instead of kissing him and knocking him to the ground I would beat him about the face with a bottle and knock him to the ground.” Well stone the crows, it looks like Beverley Knight and I finally agree on something.
Singer/flagrant philanthropist BOB GELDOF recently panned Al Gore’s Live Earth concert series slated for this summer, implying that organizing a music event to help raise awareness to global warming is asinine. “I hope they’re a success,†The Live Aid/Live 8 organizer told Dutch newspaper De Volkskrant. “But why is he actually organizing them? To make us aware of the greenhouse effect? Everybody’s known about that problem for years. We are all f*cking conscious of global warming. … I would only organize [something like this] if I could go on-stage and announce concrete environmental measures from the American presidential candidates, Congress or major corporations. … They haven’t got those guarantees, so it’s just an enormous pop concert for the umpteenth time that, say, Madonna or Coldplay get up on stage.†The former Boomtown Rats singer also went out to criticize the name of the event, as the name “Live Earth” sounds like it would be related to “Live Aid” and “Live 8”. “We’re getting lots of responses from people who think we are organizing it.”
Torn between holding a private auction and whether to start a foundation with proceeds acquired from the belongings of late NIRVANA singer Kurt Cobain, his widow/HOLE singer Courtney Love has turned to performing Buddhist chants in order to find some guidance. If that doesn’t work, she’ll then move on the copious amounts of hardcore street drugs.
News Headline: Amerie wants Michael Jackson to make a comeback
News Headline: JoJo wants to work with Prince
News Headline: Nelly wants to sing with Mariah Carey & Janet Jackson
Oh, knock it off, already.
Singer BRYAN ADAMS infuriated an arena full of Manchester United fans on Tuesday when he unwittingly invited a Liverpool F.C. fan onto the stage to sing with him during a performance at Manchester’s M.E.N. Arena. “Being Canadian, Adams probably didn’t appreciate the bitter rivalry between Manchester United and Liverpool,” a fan that was in attendance at the show told reporters for The Smonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “Unluckily for him, he chose a Liverpudlian woman to sing with him and she wasted no time rubbing fans’ noses in it, chanting, ‘Athens here we come!’ … The mood in the Mancunian audience immediately turned very hostile and the place was suddenly filled with deafening boos. Adams didn’t quite understand what he’d inadvertently caused, until he was pelted with bottles and cans and thrown into the street and driven over and kicked and tarred and feathered and then urinated on.” Oops.
Singer/television host CHARLOTTE CHURCH won a complaint this week against British scandal rag The Sun after they reported that she was pregnant earlier in the year, before she had even confirmed it herself. The Press Complaints Commission (PCC) ruled that the tabloid had made “a serious intrusion into [Church’s and partner, rugby player Gavin Henson’s] private life.”
News Headline: Nelly’s ‘Pimp Juice’ finds a home in South Africa
God, don’t they already have enough of a disease problem over there?
NICKELBACK singer Chad Kroeger punched a guy in the face after he shouted at Kroeger while the band was playing a club in Vancouver. According to witnesses, an unidentified man yelled to Kroeger that he sucked and looked like a poodle while he was singing, prompting the singer to punch him in the face. Funny how the man said that Kroeger looks like a poodle, because I too share that particular opinion, along with Nickelback sucking.
Former SPICE GIRLS member MELANIE C recently said that she’s named British rapper LADY SOVEREIGN “the new Sporty Spice”. Lady Sovereign responded by saying that she’d hoped that no one had heard what Melanie C had said.
The 52nd annual Eurovision Song Contest (The European Broadcasting Union’s annual contest to see which country has the best musical performances) was held this past week in Helsinki, Finland, and was won by Serbia, as singer MARIJA SERIFOVIC (who happens to look like a mix between Roy Orbison and Taylor Hicks) gave her country the win over Ukraine and Russia with a dramatic power ballad. Ukraine’s 235 points and Russia’s 207 points were bested by Serbia’s 268 after Serifovic’s performance. So it would be justifiable to say that Serbia would not have won sans-Serifovic. That one goes out to all of my typographer homeys.
News Headline: Rob Thomas turns life footage into feature film
For those of you who continue to dispute my claims that there is no God, I will be expecting your apology letters this week.
British band RIDE have squashed any rumors that they are reuniting to play at this year’s North by Northeast festival in Toronto. “This point in time would be the least likely for this kind of thing to happen,” a band spokesman told reporters, “they’re all very busy at the moment with individual commitments and very full schedules, though they’re sorry that they might miss seeing the look on Jeremy Botter’s face after being asked yet again if he has any Aaron Cameron autographed photos.”
Other British band THE CRIBS have had their music video for “Men’s Needs” banned from MTV, as network producers and media watchdogs ruled it “too shocking” for daytime television. The video, which depicts drummer Ross Jarman’s arm being sliced off and bassist Ryan Jarman being decapitated, will only be shown after 9 p.m. They’d better throw some boobs in there, too, for good measure.
Last week SAMMY HAGAR sold 80 percent of his share in Cabo Wabo tequila, a brand which he founded in 1996. Gruppo Campari, which owns the repugnant Campari bitter and other brands, paid Hagar $80 million (yes, that’s right), and he’ll still rake in 20 percent of the profits to boot. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go found my own tequila brand.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
