Evening all. Tom Pandich here. It was a crappy weekend due to computer problems. Anywho, usually we’d be coming off a Smackdown PPV. That’s not the case though. Judgement Day was an everyone Pay Per View where the Below Average Khali and John Cenahad a “match”. Cena retained but BS ensued. BS that will likely be resolved…….. next Pay Per View.
Anywho, let’s do it, to it.
Intro video! Here comes the Judgment Day recap. It’s the ECW title match. Bobby Lashley pins Shane O Mac! He isn’t champ though due to last second rules change. Vince Russo is in an attic somewhere cackling (no basements in Florida folks).
We’re live from the Quad Cities (silly midwesterners). Bobby Lashley is coming to ringside and he looks… um pensive? Lashley needs to beat Vince McMahon to be ECW champion. He proposes Vinnie Mac vs Bobby Lashley. That’ll happen milk dud. We sit around waiting for Vince to come out.
Here comes Vince with his entourage. Vince has grown a decent amount of hair back. Vince says “no” of course (once they fix his microphone). Vince says he’s on to One Night Stand (where every match will be under extreme rules) where he’ll defend his championship in a street fight against the #1 Contender, an ECW Original, THE BLUE MEANIE!!!!! Smell the buyrate folks!
Bobby says “why not me?” Vince starts talking, but Shane rips the microphone out of Vince’s hand to put over Vince. Vince is in”vince”able in a street fight. He’s beaten everyone in a street fight. He’s beaten Steve Austin, the Undertaker, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Triple H, and of course Stephanie. Shane says they’re on. Vince says he’s okay with that. To get that shot though, Lashley has to run “the gauntlet” tonight.
Shawn Michaels was killed last night by Randy Orton. Bells are playing because of this. Commercials.
Saturday Night’s Main Event is back May 2nd at….. 11:30 PM. Shoot. Too late for my blood. Here comes Ric Flair. He won last night. Here comes Carlito. He lost last night.
Ric Flair vs Carlito
Feh. Flair unloads on Carlito with chops. Carlito counters this eventually with a backdrop. Carlito works over Flair’s arm with stomps followed by a hammerlock. Carlito shifts this into an arm bar for a while. Flair gets the foot on the rope. Carlito kicks the leg and tries to go back to an arm bar, but Flair kicks him off. Flair destroys Carlito with chops. He tosses Carlito into the ropes who misses the springboard elbow. Flair hits the chopblock and goes for the figure four, but Carlito hits a thumb. Clothesline takes both men over the top rope which takes us to a double countout.
Winner: No one
Carlito hits two crappy looking back “stabbers” before spitting the apple. Random fat midwestern chick yells at him that she hopes he chokes on that apple. Technical problems continue as we’ve got a women’s title(?) match later tonight between Candice Michelle and Melina.
Melina vs Candice Michelle
No title match. Just stupidity. Melina does stuff. Candice Michelle stumbles around. Melina attempts to surfboard Candice Michelle but it looks more like a boogey board. Hah, I’m so clever. Hair pulling. Melina misses the leg drop across the second rope. Candice kicks. Hair pulling into a backbreaker. Clotheslines. Ooo, Candice throws a drop kick! Good for her. Melina hits an eyepoke, but Candice hangs on to the ropes after Melina attempts the roll up. She bridges Melina for the win.
Winner: Candice Michelle.
In the back, The Needs Improvement Khali and his manboy argue in their moon language. Bobby Lashley’s gauntlet is next.
We’re back. WWE tries to convince The Condemned was a success. It wasn’t. Famous people talk about Stone Cold. Stone Cold thanks the three people that saw this film.
Bobby Lashley is Clint Eastwood in The Gauntlet
Masters is the first guy out. Ugh. Lashley runs through Masters with a double leg takedown for two. Bobby charges Masters in the corner, but he lands on the ring post. Masters works over the arm with bars and what not. Bobby fights out of it only to be tossed into the ropes and nailed with a reverse elbow. Masters locks in the Masterlock. Bobby fights to the ropes and punches Masters. The two trade blows until Bobby hits a clothesline. Back drop is followed by a powerslam for two. Masters gets tossed into the corner and hits a charging Bobby with an elbow. Bobby shakes it off. Spear! That’s it.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Sorry, I thought a gauntlet was non-stop. Shawn Michaels’ video has sad music playing. The Hardy Boyz are next.
We’re joined by the World’s Greatest Tag Team. Here come the Hardys.
The Hardys vs Johnny Nitro and Kenny Dykstra
Weird match up. Great idea to not have Shelton on mic while asking him questions we can’t hear the answer to. Kenny starts out with Matty. Hardy goes for Nitro right at start of the match and he’s already our face in peril. Dykstra slingshots Hardy into a Nitro elbow from the apron. Kenny puts Hardy in a surfboard, makes the tag to Nitro who drops the elbow over the top rope. Neat.
A bit of boring offense, and Matt makes the tag. Jeff runs over everyone. He comes off the top and hits a sunset flip for the win.
Bad guys rush the ring. Cade and Murdoch make the save. Meh. Here comes Khali next.
We’re back. Here’s The Wants to Be Mediocre Khali accompanied by Hajji. The mouthpiece is no Armando. Khali speaks marble language. Khali was cheated. Blah, blah, blah. Video of the match last night. Khali yells some more. Okay, let’s bring out Cena to get this going.
Here comes Cena after what seems an eternity. He says two things are for sure. Khali’s foot was under the rope, but Khali tapped out. They start fighting, but Khali knocks Cena down. Double handed chokeslam falls Cena and that’s all she wrote for this segment.
Gauntlet #2 Bobby Lashley vs Viscera
Good lord. No. Lashley and Viscera have a match that goes on seemingly forever. Lashley scoop slams Viscera which was pretty cool but that’s about it. Match goes on forever, but ends with the spear.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Awesome. We go from Viscera to… more diva crap. One Night Stand is in Jacksonville, Florida. I should go. Then again, I don’t really want to go. It’s a diva fashion show. Ashley says they were all in a music video made by Timberland. They show an awful rap video. Awesome. Commercials.
Good lord. Raw is sucking my will to live. Here’s Randy Orton. Video package of Shawn Michaels being concussed. Shawn still takes an RKO. Shawn Michaels wife comes to the ring to cry. One question though. Why didn’t Randy steal the ambulance? Orton asks if that is Shawn Michaels’ last match. Orton is a professional. He’s not really the professional. He’s not up to Golgo 13 levels. Heck, he’s not even Leon level. Maybe he’s Leo level. Whatever. Randy is a legend killer. The camera stays close on Randy’s face.
In the back, Umaga is with Vince. Umaga vs Lashley is next.
Tags: Raw, WWE