A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENED
I DIDN’T SEE IT
I’M SURE I DIDN’T MISS MUCH
HERE AT – – –
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome to the Raw Report that yells at the tv. You do it at your house and you are sad. We do it at a bar in the middle of New Jersey, and we’re revolutionary. Isn’t that awesome?
Yes. Yes it is.
So here’s who gets to be cool:
JEFFREY – Pouring our cool brew…
DANIELLE – My cool banana
ERIC – Big Daddy Cool
JENNA – Cool As Ice
HERNANDEZ – He’s just a chivato
MIKE – Not so cool… but we let it go
BILL – Not so cool… we don’t let it go
..and the man is the epitome of cool – Me, James Hatton.
Let’s not forget the Insyde Pulse Coolios – the Forumers!
“I think James would have better luck rabbling heroes tonight.” – Insyder Chuckles
“Hernandez better be pulling double duty tonight then. Heh…duty!” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
“If they fired maria we might have to put Dani on suicide watch over jamie.” – Insyder JuanPaul
Starting the show with our number one Raw star… Bobby Lashley!
Annnnnd since Lashley got screwed, here comes Vince and Co.
“Mic Check. Mic Check.” – Bill
Vince explains that last night, Vince didn’t get the job done. He also explains that One Night Stand is going to be all under ECW rules. He’s going to face an ECW Original in the main event… The Blue Meanie!
“GENIUS!” – Me
“Oh my sweet Jesus is Vince going to be in the main event of an ECW PPV?? Good f*cking thing they took it out the ballroom.” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
“What, are you kidding me? The signs alone would have been worth the price of admission and/or PPV.” – Insyder SteveMurray
“If Vince wins, we’re heading for the door in a calm, enraged fashion.” – Insyder Chuckles
Shane then goes through the list of people Vince McMahon has beaten in a streetfight. He includes himself, Ken Shamrock, and Stephanie.. so if Lashley wants a streetfight. He can have one at One Night Stand.
Vince then says that he’s going to make Bobby run the gauntlet.
And we get some christmas music for the update on Shawn.. coming next.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
“Did you hear Gregory Helms broke his neck?” – Hernandez
“When did he wrestle?” – Dani
“1985.” – Me
“Yeah and he lost two inches after the fusion surgery.” – Hernandez
WOO!
“WOO!” – Bill
RIC FLAIR vs. CARLITO
Judgement Day Rematch
Seems that Carlito and Flair are selling wounds from last night. The ref takes Carlito’s apple and they get pushed into the corner and Ric starts the chopfest.
Stomp right into Carlito’s mush.
“Right in the afro..” – Bill
Back bodydrop from Carlito and then clotheslines Ric down. Dropkick and now Carlito stomps him down, and pulls on Ric’s arm… Ric’s wounded part. Hammerlocks on the mat, and squeezes the arm back.
“Aww, Carlito just adjusted Ric by moving him by the extra skin.” – Hernandez
“That’s no big deal.. with that skin you could make Cloacus.” – Bill
Ric gets his leg on the rope and then kicks out of Carlito going after him again. Ric now with one handed chops. Carlito punches back and loses the war. Hits the ropes and Carlito jumps for the back elbow, but Ric drops and chopblocks him.
Flair starts working Carlito’s leg… his hurt bit. Carlito thumbs him in the eye, get to their feet and they both clothesline over the top rope.
“Commercial?” – Bill
“Wait for it…” – Hernandez
Annd… Double countout…
WINNER: NOBODY!
Doesn’t matter Ric and Carlito still beat outside… and he throws a backcracker.. Ric slips.. so Carlito does it again.
“And THAT’S for the highlight reel.” – Hernandez
“Ok, am I the only one who thinks it’s wrong to have anyone having to do with the Puerto Rico run red having a move called “The Backstabber”? Why not just call it the Brody Killer?” – Insyder Kromadas
“It’s stemming back from when he stabbed John Cena in a nightclub when they were both on Smackdown. CONTINUITY BABY!” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
He then spits the apple at Ric.
Next: Candice & Melina..
“I smell cooter funk and Cheetos. Is Britney Spears around?” – Insyder kromadas
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:20
“Wait a second… Cena got the STF on Khali?!” – Dani
“There was controversy..” – Hernandez
“Oh shut up..” – Eric
Heeeeeeere comes Melina! In her white ensemble.
Now it’s Candice time… She’s wearing shiny things. It’s pink.
MELINA vs. CANDICE MICHELLE
Candice runs in and gets kicked in the gut. Kneed in the face. Choked on the ropes… Candice really is having a bad day.
Melina then throws her into some submission moves… Candice eats some mat afterwards and now there is some hairpulling. It’s a boring match, but quite breasty. Finally Candice ducks out of a leg on the ropes… and hits some clotheslines.. pulls her around the ring a bit. End up getting her eyes poked. They run to the ropes and Candice holds on. Melina falls and Candice hits the back bridge.
WINNER: NON TITLE WINNING CANDICE
In the back, Khali is bibbling with his commentator about controversy.
Also Lashley is on his way next.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:32
We get a shot of Stone Cold doing the talk show circuit. Nobody in the Rabble cares.. nor should they.
Hereeeee comes Lashley!
His first opponent issssss– Chris Masters.
LASHLEY vs. MATHETERRRTTTHHHHHTHTHTHHTHHH
“BILLLS GAAAY LOVVERRRRR” – Hernandez
“Masters got a broken thumb.” – Mike
“How’d he get that?” – Hernandez
“Pat Patterson..” – Mike
Masters spinebusts him for two.
Front facelock. Tosses Mathterth to the corner, but the lispy one moves and Lashley eats some ringpost.
Mathterth now legdrops Lashley’s arm.
“Are they chanting honky? They want MASTERS to win!?” – Me
“He IS the greatest wrestler of our generation.” – Bill
Masters puts on the full nelson. Lashley fights out of it, finally breaking it by grabbing the ropes. Masters goes right back to clubbing him in the back.
Lashley fights back. Clothesline. Back bodydrop. Throws Masters to the ropes. Powerslam for two. Shoulderchecks into the corner. Spear. The End.
WINNER: LASHLEY
Vince in the back….
“Why does he look surprised?” – Me
“Usually the black guy dies first?” – Jenna
Back to the creepy Christmas music for the dying Shawn update.
“They heard our show when Mike was sleeping and went with it..” – Hernandez
“So Shawn’s not hurt.. he’s just plumb tuckered out.” – Me
…and from the ‘from the same head’ department…
“During the HBK shots from last night with the ringing bells music…anyone else keep waiting for Christmas carols to start up?” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“HBK did have his bells jingled pretty bad” – Insyder JuanPaul
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44
“So that was the gauntlet?” – Eric
“No, he’s not facing them in a row.” – Me
“Isn’t that the definition of a gauntlet?” – Eric
Here comes TWGTT to be commentators…
“yay charlie” – Eric
And here comes the Hardyz.
THE HARDYZ vs. NITRO & KENNY
Huh?
“NITRO DYKE!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
Matt starting with Kenny. Matt gets distracted by Nitro and eats a lowblow. Kenny monkeyflips Matt into Nitro.. makes the tag and Nitro leaps top rope to elbow Matt.
“I dislike that Nitro and Kenny have matching tights.” – Eric
Matt hits a flying crossbody and tags in Jeff. Clotheslines abound from Jeff. Double leg slide into the corner. Pin for two. Faceplant suplex and Jeff goes to the top but gets roped by Kenny. Nitro runs up for the superplex and they fight it out up there.
Jeff hits a sunset flip and the win.
WINNER: HARDYZ
So TWGGTT charge to attack the Hardyz… and in come the Cade & Murdoch to save the Hardyz… more teasing spot for those four. Kind of a neat storyline.
Khali now heading to the ring with his announcer guy.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
And Ten O’Clock HBK spot… oh, I lied..
Here comes Khali.
“BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH” – Hernandez
“The Great Khali says… I Love Chunk.” – Bill
“Baaaybeee ROOOOTH?” – Hernandez
“Khali: “Why…is my tongue…so God Damn…BIG!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“Marbles Mushmouth should not speak. Ever.” – Insyder Kerry B
His translator discusses how he should be the world champ and he was cheated last night. He’s never submitted in his life.
“Not even to the Mrs. Great Khali.” – Me
The ref screwed the Great Khali.
“Were they in Toronto last night?” – Me
Also, Cena screwed the Great Khali.
“And Bret screwed the Great Khali.” – Mike
“The Great Dani.. doesn’t care.” – Dani
So they show us the stupid footage… Khali babbles.
“I ATE ANDRE THE GIANT!!!” – Me
“Furthermore… I demand that John Cena concedes his belt unto me.” – Bill
Finally, here comes Cena…
“I want Cena to go ‘AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGG’ too..” – Me
“He should go ‘ARRRRRRRRRR… gay'” – Bill
Two things are true.. Khali’s leg was under the rope, and Cena made Khali tap.
“Judgement Day wasn’t even about winning and losing” – Cena
“It was about getting there.. I was drunk as f*ck.” – Me
He claims he can beat Khali anywhere in this building.
“On the rafters.. meet me up there.” – Bill
“The Owen spot.” – Hernandez
“On a box – With a fox” – Jeffrey
Khali then hits him with the double chokeslam.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
Lashley’s in the ring again…
And now… Viscera!??!?!
LASHLEY vs. VISCERA
“I’m starting to think Vince WANTS to fight him.” – Me
“Why did he send out Cloacus?” – Bill
Vis throws Lashley to the corner. Tries to chop and misses. Armwringer, and Viscera clotheslines him.
“Stop that.. that hurts my arm.” – Mike
Visc then throws Lashley to the ropes… and LASHLEY LEAPFROGS VISCERA!!!! Powerslam for two! Ok.. bodyslam.. but it was powerslammy…
Back to their feet.. Visc gets the blackhole slam.
“That’s not a black hole slam.. that’s a black hole.” – Hernandez
Viscera hits a spinning kick?! For two. Lashley doesn’t look happy.. like he looks in pain… anway. Visc throws him to the corner. Visc throws him to the corner and Visc goes for the charge.
“GOIN TO GET ME SOME CHOCOLATE!” – Hernandez
Spear from Lashley. The end.
WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
Next… dancing divas…
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:18
So here comes Torrie in gartered stockings… ok, that’s ok.
“Is Khali coming out?” – Hernandez
Now here comes Maryse?
“Who the f*ck is this?” – Dani
“Maurice?” – Bill
Kayla, Kelly, and Layla.
Ashley in stripeys and a pink piratey bit. She wins…
Ashley talks.. nobody listens.. so we get to see the Timbaland video.
“Maryse has the worst breasts ever..” – Jeffrey
“I can’t deny.. the song is kinda catchy.” – Me
“The Hives are in it.. and the video is cool.” – Dani
“I still think it should be called ‘Throw It In Me;” – Me
“They should have Ron Simmons in there..” – Eric
“Are they speaking English or Khali-ese?” – Insyder DarkStar
“If you turn the sound off, this isn’t too bad of a video.” – Insyder RVD
“I quit wrestling. Stupid divas. Stupid video.” – Insyder Ellie
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:28
So they discuss Shawn.
“HEY!” – Hernandez
“HEY!” – Me
“….psssst…” – Hernandez
“What?” – Me
“HEY!” – Hernandez
Randy talks about Shawn’s injury. We see a flashback. They show Shawn’s entrance into the ring last night in trippy mood-o-vision and start up the Tubular Bells.
“So the ref screwed Bret?” – Me
“From the sound of the music, it sounds as if HBK’s injuries are being treated at Santa’s Workshop.” – Outsyder Cash Keoruac
So Shawn’s wife heads to the ring..
“Did she come out because of Eddie?” – Me
“Is that Eddie’s wife? No.. that’s Eddie’s widow.” – Bill
Back to Randy who discusses how he took advatange of Shawn’s injury. He did what any professional would have done.
“You aren’t a professional.. you aren’t getting paid.” – Hernandez
He beat Shawn because he’s the Legend Killer.
“Hey!” – Bill
“I enjoyed this more in 1995.” – Insyder bluelobster
“I don’t care how much you hate, I dig the HAY!” – Outsyder Cash Keruoac
“Hey Cash…what’s a gay horse eat?” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
“Horse penis?” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“Cucumbers?” – Insyder JuanPaul
“Well Danny, I would imagine a gay horse eats what a straight horse eats, just in a homosexual manner.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Why the F are we talking about effing Luger anyway? GET BACK ON TOPIC!” – Insyder Juan Paul
In the back. Vince talks to Umaga.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:39
Umaga & Lashley.
LASHLEY vs. UMAGA
Stuff..
Umaga splashes Lashley. Throws him to the corner, punches him. Throws him to the corner. Lashley throws a boot, but is still grabbed up in a bearhug.
Hold spot.
Lashley clubs his way out of it. Samoan drop for two.
Headbutts Lashley. Climbs to the top. Headbutt-o is missed.
They get to their feet and we have the punchfest. Umaga charges Lashley and eats a back elbow. Lashley charges in and eats a kick to the gut. They fight to the outside.. Umaga holds onto the commentator’s table and Lashley leaps only to eat another boot to the gut.
Umaga gets up and grabs a bell. KWAAAAAAAAANG!
WINNER VIA DQ: BOBBY LASHLEY
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
We’re back and in the ring with Bobby lying unconscious waiting for Vince to come on down. During the break Umaga thumbed him.
Now, here comes Shane… HERE COMES THE MONNNEYYY!
LASHLEY vs. SHANE
Main event?
Bell rings. Shane begins with kicking Lashley in the corner. Lots of kicks in the corner. Baseball slide. Wrings Bobby on the corner post. The entire Rabble has gone about going and watching other things. Bill is watching me type this. Dani is playing Burning Monkey Puzzle Fighter. Hernandez and Eric are talking amongst themselves….
Oh, Umaga has a chair. Vince and Shane are trying to convince Umaga to leave.
Shane gets back in and Lashley is on his feet. Bobby shoves Shane down a few times. Roll-up from Bobby for two. He now cleaves Shane with a couple clotheslines. Big spinebuster for two.
“WOAH! MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER!” – Hernandez
Shane out of nowhere hits a leaparound DDT.
“Dwayne Johnson eat your heart out!” – Hernandez
Shane elbows his back. Boston crab from Shane now…
“This time – Rick Martel eat your heart out..” – Me
Bobby shoves Shane out of it, but Shane runs right in and elbows to his back.. leaps to the top. Drops a smooth elbow for a two count. Kidney punches now from Shane. Sits him in the cobra clutch.
“THE STEINER RECLINER!” – Hernandez
Bobby fights to his feet… Shane turns it into a sleeper, only to be squashed into the corner. Punchies from Bobby now. Picks up Shane. He goes for the powerslam.. but falls to his knees.
“Aww, now he’s replicating Shawn.” – Me
Shane runs to the top turnbuckle… leaps… SPEAR?!?! OUT OF NOWHERE!
WINNER: BOBBY LASHLEY
So Vince is facing Lashley at One Night Stand…
K.
What did everyone else think?
“I was drunk.” – Bill
“I wish I was drunk.” – Eric
“..we’re in a bar.” – Bill
“I’m broke.” – Eric
“They’re stealing our bits!” – Hernandez
“We watched RAW?” – Jenna
“Eh.” – Laura
“I kinda enjoyed tonight… it wasn’t paintful to watch.” – Jeffrey
“Can we go home and watch Battlestar Gallactica.” – Dani
“Yes, yes we can.” – Me
We’ll see you all next week kids.
