Pulse Wrestling Answers #024


This is Pulse Wrestling Answers.

People send in questions. Any sort of question, query, puzzle, riddle, quandary, clarification, inquiry, topic, problem pertaining to wrestling.

Then they get the answers here.

I am not contractually obligated to state the f*cking obvious each and every time, merely only now and then. Consider yourselves patronized. You are not alone.

No, not “You Are Not Alone” the Michael Jackson song. The only way that pertains to wrestling is if Carlito sings it inside his head every time he sits on the toilet. Part of me wants that to be true. Another part of me dislikes that part and hangs out with Jack Daniels instead. According to the songs that are outside of my head just now, lord, we’ve got to keep the faith. Thank you, Jon Bon, my lord your lord his lord her lord a’body’s lord!


“Keep the Faith” has superfluous HEYs in it! Alert Randy Orton!


I believe the songs were “Never Ever” by All Saints, “Song 2” by Blur, “Justified and Ancient” by the KLF, “Oh Canada” by Canada, “Never Ever” by All Saints, “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” by Elton John, “Lovefool” by the Cardigans, “Last Nite” by Vitamin C, “Gary Gilmore’s Eyes” by the Adverts, “The Saturday Boy” by Billy Bragg, “Never Ever” by All Saints and “Boys” by Sabrina, which is, by a bizarre and Randyish coincidence, the theme music of Randy Savage.

So, yes, Randy has it hard. He sure does! Innuendo hahahahahahaha haha ha ha ha1!! ROLF Kennedy Kennedy!!! Not only does he have a blind spot for his All Saints, not only is Triple H back soon to beat on him, and not only is Bob Holly back soon to give him the surly treatment but it would seem that he is less sexy than Batista or Cena.

Don’t ask me what I was doing when I wound up on that page. I don’t remember and don’t want to.

Before I get onto the Q&A, a few thoughts on Judgement Day and Sacrifice. That’s right, I got to watch PPVs! On a real TV and everything! Legally! ‘Tis t’ruly a wonder, t’intit?

– Judging by those arbitrary chants during the Judgement Day opener, it is now safe to say that JBL is not only cooler than Carlito (and that should go without saying) but is cooler than Flair as well. See kids? The trick is not to be rolling in money and women whilst talking gibberish, it’s to be rolling in money and beer whilst talking gibberish loudly. That and saving money. And having some f*cking competent legal representation when needed. And not listening to Dashboard Confessional, which again should go without saying.

– Vince McMahon looks far better suited to his current hair-lite style than he was to that overblown quiff of yore.

– Don’t worry about Bobby Lashley and One Night Stand. The money is in the chase. You gotta dance with what brung ya, Michael. Additional wrestling platitude.

– Punk felt that Judgement Day was appropriate place to yell “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” like a complete f*cking tool. Being a WWE wrestler who is a mark for himself and a mark for his girlfriend and a mark for his ‘lifestyle choice’ and a mark for wrestling is bad enough, don’t murk matters by being a mark for comic books as well. I bet you Punk has special Clobbering Time parties at his house. Sexy Clobbering Time parties. He puts on a novelty, brick-flavoured orange condom on, wears a blindfold and chases Maria the Invisible Woman around until find her and gets his just deserts.

– By the way, the match was fine but flat – although if it had taken place at an ROH show then it would have gotten four snowflakes and a jizz shot from three-quarters of the Pulse Wrestling staff.

– Shawn Michaels is hammered! I bet that Michael Hayes found an old stash of Dok Hendrix Happy Pills and brought ‘em in for old times’ sakes. Michaels tried to party like it was 1995 but their potency, strengthened with age, was too much for the little Jesus kisser to handle. And JBL took a big happy handful of them to keep at ringside because he clearly lost interest in listening to anything or linking one sentence with the one it followed after this match. Meanwhile, Orton is distracted from his headlocks by the sounds of seven children’s choirs singing “Never Ever” in his head.

– Khali interview! The Giant Gary! The translator lied, by the way. What Gary actually said was “I found pigeon! We play as in fond memory of homely beach times! We play hopscotch! I win with squashy move! One time only – make Gary cry! – but Gary happy now Gary have ice cream! Gary keep ice cream in pants! It make GOOD squashy! Cena! Come squashy! I return shiny only in exchange for squashy!”

– In case you were wondering, JBL and Michael were commenting on the Raw tag team match because they had to dance with what brung ‘em, Michael. Also, JBL is curiously fond of cowboy hats and liable to over-react when in their presence. Hence, he stole the audio feed and refused to relinquish it for as long as there was the potential for people to jump, flip and spin. And let’s not forget that the APA are the greatest tag team of all time because they danced with what brung them – beer.

– Little Hat Jones has a singing voice exactly like Peter Griffin’s speaking voice. Weird.

– Edge’s facial expression in the pre-match stuff were spot-on. Batista was way too happy with himself during his entrance. He was BOUNDING out of there. “I Walk Alone” or “Let’s Have Some Fun”? Discuss. Perhaps someone had just shown him a tape of his comical attempts to sell a leg injury and he couldn’t stop the chuckles.

– And how come the champion doesn’t get to come out last anymore? Way to put your challengers over all the time

– I recognised none of those Divas except for Victoria. I have a life! It’s official!

– The US title match provided JBL with adequate opportunities to ignore whatever the clean little person sitting beside him was saying. And it was pretty good but would have been great if MVP was able to up the tempo just a little bit. Now, move Benoit to ECW for a feud with Punk and leave Burke to feud with Cor Von. Send Striker to unplug some drains in Dusty Rhodes’ house.

– The main event successfully managed to do everything it set out to do. Job done.

– The Sacrifice opener was wonderfully tasty. Sabin, Dutt and Lethal would be able to choreograph the first wrestling musical on ice whilst wearing petrol-doused boots lit on fire and it would still be as smooth as Kurt Angle’s arse. Lethal’s Black Machismo has already passed the point of usefulness though. Why bother with it for this long without making sure he could do the sodding Big Elbow just like Savage? And why not give him “Boys” or a “Boys” soundalike as his entrance? It’s only fair. They should have given him the X title last month, had him lose it now, then snap and blame the fans for making him try to alter his wrestling style to win their approval and then have him feud with Lynn or Senshi or Joe or whoever tried to make him stop whining about the whole thing.

– Jeff Jarrett had a match. I admit it, I touched myself.

– That backstage interview with Styles, Steiner and Christian was made all the more enjoyable by me having the 100% correct, super-secret insider-only knowledge that Styles had hidden a rotten fish under the driver seat of Christian’s car and was barely containing his mirth. Either that or someone had just yelled “BOOBIES!” right before they started filming.

– Christopher Daniels looks more like Chavo Guerrero by the day. Rhino doesn’t look like anything but looks at plenty stuff and then runs at that stuff that he has just looked at. They had a match. I went to the kitchen.

– Custard, baby. Custard.

– The Texas Death match was perhaps the best TNA match of 2007 so far. At least, that’s what I am told. Since Bravo 2 was tight enough to cut a good three-fifths of the match, including all the big spots and a solid five minutes of action building up to the finale, I really couldn’t say. Internet 1, TV 0.

– Tiger Mask needs to become Ewok Mask. Senshi could be Surly C-3PO, Alex Shelley could be Greedo and Jerry Lynn could be Jerry Lynn.

– Kurt Angle’s interview was fried f*cking gold. He needs to continue the trend of making completely true and succinct, if pointless, comments like “This is a garage door.” Just have him pop up now and then to deliver knowledge like “I have no hair”, “There is a Starbucks nearby”, “The USA touches Canada” and suchlike.

– Joe! Styles! Apathy! Is the internet ready to agree that Joe isn’t actually suitable to become TNA World Heavyweight Champion at the moment? Seriously, even Styles is more involved than he is right now. Aaron’s idea of sending him back to the X Division for a bit is right on the money. Have him take umbrage at Kevin Nash’s involvement, get him to take on Nash’s protégés one by one, then have a few slide over to Joe and then build up the war to a big blow-off Ultimate X gang bang a few months further down the line. Or have him fall for Stomper, whatever.

– Y’know, since Angle probably isn’t actually allowed to be called an NWA Champion now, it really was pointless of TNA to vacate their own title yet a-f*cking-gain. They couldn’t have just gone ahead with the name change whilst Christian was holding the belt? They suddenly worry about confusing their fans with that and not with Abyss’ back story or Christy Hemme showing she isn’t a whore by dressing like a whore?

Ah, let’s just get on with it

”I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”

Shin Fixation Man has something like this:

“When the Undertaker’s spirit escaped Mark Calloway’s body at the Rumble
94, why do you think it settled on Marty Jannetty to make it’s getaway?
Surely a fast, less drugged up model would have been a smarter move? Also,
where do you think it then went for 6 months? Finally, why did it choose to
come back into Calloway after it’s sabattical, surely if it were smart, it
would have come back to Bret Hart who was the World Champ at the time, or
alternatively some class of world leader or moving picture actor?”

The Undertaker’s spirit did not actually leave Mark Calaway’s body. It stayed right where it was all along. All that stuff with the urn and the casket and the video package? Smoke and mirrors. I would have thought a smart cookie like you would have been able to see through their lies. The levitation business was actually all down to Marty Jannetty being completely coked up and turning up at the arena dressed like the Undertaker. He had been dressed that way ever since October ’93. The only outfits he had since that Halloween were his Undertaker costume and his Rockers attire. It had been one hell of a party and even by the night of Rumble ’94 it had not fully ended. What he needed was one big and memorable stunt to cap the rambunctious rabble off once and for all, so he could finally move on with his life. Entertaining people backstage with Undertaker impressions only went so far, you know? I mean, the guy was so far gone that even when he was trying to show the impression to Max Moon for the first time he was actually showing it to Mo for the seventeenth time and was hurt badly by a scathing rhyming couplet from Oscar in retaliation. Junkies fear couplets, by the way. They just can’t quite settle them into their mind. Memorise a few before heading into town on a Saturday night, just for safety purposes. So, anyway, a scathed and tired and wired Jannetty cobbled together some kind of hoist out of a bunch of lengthy wires, which he had used to store his cocaine on, and exorcised the Undertaker costume away from him. Yes, when he reached the top of the arena he threw it away and was reborn – or just naked. Thankfully, despite the best efforts of a curious Mabel, the agents persuaded him to get dressed in his ring outfit for his Royal Rumble appearance.

It says a lot about Marty Jannetty that so many people will think the above paragraph is completely true.

But if the Undertaker’s spirit were to go into the body of a politician or a movie star then I would suggest the curiously attractive Annabel Gouldie (she is the new Bea Arthur) or the rampant Jannettyism that is contained within Ashton Kutcher.

”I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

Skinhead Skeeve gets morbid:

“Question – rate the top 5 wrestling deaths in terms of the amount of
emotional damage they did to you.

For me, it would be:

1/ Owen Hart
2/ Eddie Guerrero
3/ Damien (yes, honestly and yes, I’m aware it was burger meat)
4/ Curt Hennig
5/ Davey Boy”

Mmm, happy.

01/ Eddie Guerrero. I guess I can just stand by what I wrote about it at the time, since I am feeling far too frivolous at the moment and don’t want to write anything that would later seem untoward. Still, the notion of so many, many people getting so very upset about the death of a person that they did not know or even, in the majority of cases, spend any time with is something I find rather confusing. This is not just an Eddie thing, or even just a wrestling thing. Hell, its only ten years later and we’re already being subjected to a Concert for Diana. Would there be a lavish memorial service in ten years time for a divorced mother-of-two if she was ‘just’ a supermarket check-out operator living on some innocuous street somewhere? The responses say more about us than they do about the person, so I suppose that in Eddie’s case, for me at least, it all boils down to a combination of selfishness at never getting to watch him perform again, remote sadness at how his loved ones are affected, guilt at having perpetuated the machine that claimed his life and anger at not being able to stop investing myself in it. It’s strange and worthy of further exploration at a later and more sensible date. Suffice it to say, I have that Eddie memorial T-shirt and no other wrestling T-shirts of any kind.

02/ Owen Hart. The points listed above for Eddie hold up here too, yet there is also a great deal more negativity about how the WWF reacted to it during the show. It’s pointless to be angry about it now and such anger would completely miss the point, turning Owen into a case study rather than a person, but if we were unfortunate enough to have any performer die ‘on stage’ during a show then it is only basic human decency to bring things to an end and calmly get the audience to leave. Forcing the deceased’s best mate to go out and perform immediately after the incident is nothing more than cruel and unwarranted. Still, we need to take what we can from deaths. In Eddie’s case, we got the Wellness Policy, which is flawed but flawing in the right direction. In Owen’s case, we got fewer far-fetched stunts, especially live ones, at least on the big stage where the performers have less reason to harm themselves for minimal gains.

03/ Miss Elizabeth. Damn, that was harsh. There’s no point in blaming Luger or Savage or anybody else for her death. It just makes me sad that one of the few ‘wholesome’ women in wrestling, most famous during a time when I was happily watching as a child who didn’t care at all about what was really going on, wound up dying and having her death and her life leading up to it wrapped up in seediness. There will never be another Miss Elizabeth in wrestling – and that’s sadder still.

04/ Curt Hennig. Snap, I guess. Judging by what has been written about him, he is almost the mirror of Owen – a fun and warm person with a great love for his family and a respect for wrestling and for life, only with none of the clean-living. It caught up with him in the end, sooner than it had to, and yet he knew that it probably would. Did it stop him? No. It couldn’t have, simple as that. And the encouraged tragedy of the business continued

05/ Chris Candido. Or Brian Pillman. But only marginally in both cases. It was a shame that Candido died after getting his life back on a sensible track, though nobody knows if it would have lasted, and it was a shame that Pillman was unable to come to terms with his physical deterioration, yet I can’t really say that either of them, or any other death, did any significant level of emotional damage to me. Hell, Jake Roberts’ life does more emotional damage to me than any other dead guys do.

”Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”

Frank Ross follows up on this:

“So if JBL is not coming back to wrestle because he can’t get medical clearance… what the hell happened to him? How did he hurt himself so badly that no bugger will let him wrestle, yet guys like Benoit and Michaels can go on and on with dodgy necks and backs?”

Well, he hurt his back quite badly during a tag match with Orlando Jordan against John Cena and the Big Show on the 22nd April 2005 in London, England. His top vertebrae were torn in half and his lower back wound up with both a herniated and a bulged disc. Doctors concluded that surgery would only aggravate the injuries rather than fixing them and so he tried other methods. However, nothing worked well enough to prevent things like numbness in his legs and even incontinence. The hectic travelling schedule was also far too much strain on his back, let alone the bumps in the ring and the work-outs that he found ever more difficult to do. By June 2006 it was more than he could stand and he retired, even turning down a promised second world title reign. After all, with all the money he was making on the stock market and the sound investments that he had in place for the future, he had no financial reason to put himself through so much pain so regularly and was still able to contribute to the business at the announce desk – far more so than he had done before, according to most people’s reaction to his work. A couple of months ago he began a new non-surgical treatment, using a new traction machine that will decompress the spine so that the discs can relax and sink back into place within the tissues that tore and let them out in the first place. Apparently there is an 86% success rate, so the best of luck to the guy. If his back gets better then he might get to dance with what brung him, Michael.

”This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story.”

Various people, in response to this news item, have been seeking clarification about Bryan Danielson’s ROH status and whether or not his contract would allow him to even compete in the NWA, let alone be their World Heavyweight Champion. The answer is that Danielson’s ROH contract prohibits him from working for WWE or TNA, from appearing on MTV in any wrestling capacity, or from appearing on a PPV for any other wrestling promotion. He is still available to work non-ROH dates, including the NWA, as long as there is no conflict in his schedule. He is still allowed to appear on DVDs for other promotions as well, which would clear him for what the NWA hopes to succeed with in the coming months. However, Danielson will not be able to be the ‘touring champion’ that the NWA had in mind as ROH shall of course get first dibs on his bookings. Also, as far as I understand, it appears to be up to Gabe Sapolsky whether or not Danielson would be acknowledged as the NWA champion at ROH events should he wind up with the belt. So, basically, we’re going to have another promotion like ROH trying to do the same sort of thing as ROH and focusing on the same person ROH has been focusing on, yet there are not going to be any conflicts in the future no, really, none at all honest

The Editor (who?) has a correction:

“Hey Burnside,

The Wrestler who got squashed as the Scottish Champion, Hamlet Macbeth,that MVP defeated on Smackdown on the 27th April wasn’t Sheamus, it was an English cruiserweight guy called Chris Chaos. The clues to his identity are thus: He’s about a foot smaller than Sheamus, he’s about a stone lighter than Sheamus, when his wig fell off he didn’t have red hair, and lastly he actually had some pigment in his skin!

Still Not convinced?

Although the Good news I hear everywhere is Sheamus was there on trial (Earls Court & Madrid) and got signed and is off to Tampa in Florida soon and no doubt OVW…”

Well, there you go. Serves me right for going by the Wrestling Observer and not watching the show, I guess. It’s an error I am quite happy to repeat though. But, yeah, the important thing to note is that O’Shaunessey is off to a WWE developmental spot. It could be nothing more than a false start related to the supposed international brand extension, it could be the start of something beautiful, it could be something in between, we’ll just have to wait and see best of luck to the guy

There was more but I am running out of time and this is already a day late, so I’ll call it a night here. If there’s anything you’d like to know, or just want answered, then send it in here.

AIM: KingKongBurnside