Since Vince McMahon and Company have a tendency to interject many different elements of popular culture into their wrestling shows, I came up with a brilliant idea this week that I know would be a true cash cow for World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.
I present to you the melding of two powerhouse brands to be reckoned with, the convergence of the two most popular television shows on network TV and cable TV (at least when Sponge Bob isn’t on) as I give to you American Wrestling Idol.
Part 1: The Auditions
The auditions for AWI take place in two different cities: New York, NY; and Parts Unknown.
Each contestant is hoping to receive a ticket to STAMFORD, CT, where they will then have the opportunity to strut their stuff at WWE headquarters.
After the talent pool gets narrowed down to 10 participants (4 men, 4 women, and 2 midgets), America will then be given the chance to vote for their favorite each week.*
*Since this is WWE, the voting will not automatically reflect results. With that said, you can vote as much as you like, and a 99 cent service fee will be charged per each phone call and text message.
New York Highlights
In New York, your judges are Stephanie McMahon Levesque, Bushwhacker Luke, and Conquistador # 2
From the very beginning, the judges knew they were in for a long day of auditions, as all the crazies came out to show off their talents. First up was a man dressed up in Viking gear that referred to himself as “The Berserker.Ã¢â‚¬Â When trying to show off his microphone skills, Berserker just kept screaming out the word “HUSSÃ¢â‚¬Â as he aimlessly meandered around the audition ring. However, not all of the judges were turned off by these bizarre mannerisms, and controversy would soon set in after the following official comments:
Bushwhacker Luke: “Whoa! Eyy!Ã¢â‚¬Â
Conquistador #2: (muffled)
Stephanie McMahon Levesque: “Sorry, I am not going to make the same mistakes daddy did and hire a Viking who doesn’t speak! I couldn’t even imagine you in the ring with a Champion like John Cena. I mean, imagine a wrestler who can’t even speak proper English with virtually no move-set challenging for the title on a Pay-Per-View? It’s not going to happen!Ã¢â‚¬Â
Since Stephanie was the only judge to give a true dissenting opinion for the entire day, The Berserker was given a ticket to STAMFORD, along with the following other contestants:
Male: The Berserker, Conquistador Version 3.0 and Bushwhacker Butch.
Female: Rosie O’Donnell, Star Jones, Aurora Rose Levesque
Other: Everyone who got fired last week from Free-FM.
Parts Unknown Highlights
In Parts Unknown, your judges are The Ultimate Warrior, The Boogeyman, and Scooby Doo.
Since The Ultimate Warrior is one of the only wrestlers to hail from Parts Unknown, he was very excited about returning home to find some fresh faces for WWE. However, what Vince McMahon and Company didn’t know was just how hell-bent on revenge Warrior just might be during the audition process.
One example of Warrior’s vindictiveness was evident during the audition of seasoned freelance wrestler turned aspiring WWE superstar named Colt Cabana. While Colt seemed to have the charisma and the chutzpah to hang with the best that WWE has to offer, The Ultimate Warrior was quick to shoot him down in what seemed like blatant sabotage more than anything else. Here were the official comments from Colt’s audition:
The Boogeyman: (Ignoring Colt and turning towards an unsuspecting Scooby Doo) “I’m The Boogeyman, and I’m coming to get ya!Ã¢â‚¬Â
Scooby Doo: “Nroooo! Dron’t! Shraggy Hrelp Mre!Ã¢â‚¬Â (Scooby winds up his feet and dashes out of the audition chamber stage left, as Boogeyman begins his “Slow Dance of DoomÃ¢â‚¬Â in Scooby’s direction.)
The Ultimate Warrior: You Colt Cabana remind me of another man, another man who tried to step off planet earth, jump into his spaceship and reach new heights as he attempted to challenge me.
(more emphatically) YOU Colt Cabana bring me back to the days where my Warriors would rise and stand and get up and move from their chairs to an upright position to breathe fire into my veins that could not ever be extinguished as I ran and sprinted to meet this man at the entrance to this aforementioned spaceship which is really a metaphor for the wrestling ring.
(even more emphatically) COLT CABANAAAAA Ã¢â‚¬â€œ You remind me of another man who claims to be immortal but isn’t, a man who witnessed up close and personal the true power of THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. And this is why Ã¢â‚¬â€œ COLT CABANA Ã¢â‚¬â€œ that you will not and shall not be allowed entrance into Vince McMahon’s Tragic Kingdom. YOU SHALL NOT reawaken the demons that have long been dormant, and YOU SHALL NOT upstage THE ULTIMATE ICON THROUGHOUT ALL OF WRESTLING LORE.
And so you will have a different journey, Colt Cabana, a fate not unlike the one that befell Odysseus. You will not make it into the true kingdom of wrestling ON MY WATCH, not until you prove to me and all of the Warriors that you can suffer, and sweat, and bleed in a Valley much darker and depressed than Parts Unknown.
This Valley, Colt Cabana, is in Ohio, and this is your prophecy
So while Colt Cabana was sent away to another place, the following contestants made it through to STAMFORD:
Men: Scotty 2 Hotty
Women: Katie Vick
Other: Little Boogeyman #2, Little ULTIMATE Warrior
Since the judges were so selective in their choices, all of the contestants who were selected to go to STAMFORD have been automatically entered into the FINALS for Season One of American Wrestling Idol. The exception here was the stable known as “Everyone who got fired last week from Free-FMÃ¢â‚¬Â, since Vince McMahon thought it would be funny to simply fire them again via video-phone. (Hey, at least he didn’t make them throw up in a documentary film a couple of years before they became paralyzed in a match with D’Lo Brown!)
All tangents aside, your finalists are as follows:
Male: The Berserker, Conquistador Version 3.0, Bushwhacker Butch, Scotty 2 Hotty
Female: Rosie O’Donnell, Star Jones, Aurora Rose Levesque, Katie Vick
Midgets: Little Boogeyman #2, Little ULTIMATE Warrior
Tune in to Counterfeit Pennies in two weeks to find out who becomes the next American Wrestling Idol!
Checking The Pulse:
There are many great columnists here on Inside Pulse, and sometimes it’s hard to really know where to begin as a reader. With that in mind, here are five columnists’ archives that are definitely worth checking out:
Pulse Glazer and my old friend Big Andy Mac have truly worked hard to become two of the most vital sources for Ring of Honor news and insights in the IWC today.
Meanwhile, Bambi Weavil’s Make Movement is always filled with interesting analysis that only a true fan could provide.
I figured it couldn’t hurt to shout-out The Omnipresent Widro for doing a bang-up job not just with the site but also with his series of Hot Seat interviews. His most recent column, The Hot Seat: Eric Szulczewski, is a MUST-READ for everyone in the IWC.
Last but certainly not least, I think all readers would learn a lot by checking out The Ken Anderson Archives on Inside Pulse. Even though Ken hasn’t posted in awhile, there is some phenomenal material to peruse in this treasure trove of wrestling commentary. For starters, check out The Anderson Breakdown Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Survivor Series 2006. As Ken points out so poignantly:
Triple H grabs the mic and attempts to begin his long-winded “are you ready” routine. Unfortunately for the H-Man though, the crowd cuts him off and kicks into a THUNDEROUS “CM PUNK!” chant.
This is quite possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.
Until next time,