Monday Night Rabble

As always, we sit tirelessly in O’Briens’ Tavern in Somerset, New Jersey. We watch. We comment. You read. You laugh. It’s just that simple.

Now for the Memorial Day Mentionables…
HERNANDEZ – His people lost the Spanish-American War!
ERIC – He won the Battle of the Bulge
JEFFREY – He’s currently fighting the Battle of the Sexes
BILL – He’s currently losing the Battle of the Sexes
DANIELLE – My personal Battle of the Network Stars
And me – The Fuhrer of World War Wrestling..

..Not to mention the Rabblites, the Infantry on this war of commentary.

Now let’s get to the show – which is fantastically in Toronto!

We start of course with the traditional Memorial Day opener.
“$1 million dollars for Test, Christian, William Regal, and Lance Storm to run in RIGHT NOW in Un-American shirts.” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa

So here comes Candice!
“Oh good they are getting rid of this early..” – Hernandez

Diva Bikini Battle Royale –
Candice is looking pink and lovely
Mickie is wearing some camo.. not bad.
“MIIIIICCCCKIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy f*ck me I just came! ” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa

MARIAAAA! It’s skimpy.. It’s Shiny…
“I can see myself in her boobs.” – Hernandez
“I’d like to see myself in her boobs.” – Me
“Maria!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hatton just came” – Insyder Jack The Ripper

Jillian in a flowery thingy.
Kelly Kelly in pink
Brooke – shiny red = good
Layla – Black and strappy…

Later – Rob Van Dam vs. Randy Orton.
*With Thumbs* “I’m. Not. Gone.” – Hernandez
*With Thumbs* “I’m. Not. Winning.” – Me

Michelle McCool – Sure, not so bad.
Cristal in rhinestones…
“*crosses fingers and prays* Stephanie McMahon Stephanie McMahon Stephanie McMahon….” – Insyder The Hypnotoad

Melina – In a Nice lil white number…
“She’s showing a little too much face.” – Bill

IT STARTS
Water and boobs

So Maria starts off smacking Melina with a noodle.
“It exploded in Mickie’s hands!” – Hernandez
“She was playing with it and it went off.” – Bill

“Who wears heels!?” – Hernandez
“All of them.” – Eric

Brooke seems to pop out then gets thrown out… Maria gets thrown out.
“She looks so disappointed.” – Eric
“Me too.” – Me

“Do you get mat burn wearing a bikini?” – Eric
“Depends on if you are f*cking a Hardy.” – Me
“She’s not in this is she?” – Eric
“Who?” – Bill
“Ashley.” – Eric

“So did they come out wet?” – Dani
“One or two of them might have..” – Bill

“Who pistol whips someone with a watergun?” – Bill

Final three – Jillian, Melina, and Michelle McCool…

Jillian and Melina stretch out Michelle.
‘FOOT IN THE MIDDLE!’ – Hernandez

Finally Michelle throws out Jillian.
‘The water is ruining Jillian’s roots.’ – Me

Melina chokes Michelle on the ropes… right under her ribs.
‘Ewwwww The rope is touching her SPINE!’ – Me
‘She had her stomach removed.’ – Bill

So McCool hits Melina. She slips to her ass and rolls out.

WINNER: MICHELLE McCOOL
“I’m disappointed, no bewbs popped out.” – Insyder The Hypnotoad
“Can we all agree this is the best opening to RAW in a long time?” – Insyder soak1313
“The next greatest mixed tag-team…Michelle McCool and Shawn Michaels – HOLY COPPERTONE” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
“Team them up with Hogan and we’ll call them team skin cancer.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper

In the back Shane is here!
‘It’s the f*ckin money!’ – Bill
‘Hey Dani!’ – Hernandez
‘Shaaaaaane…’ – Dani

He’s heading out to announce the draft.
“WAIT! There’s a shadow… oh, nevermind, I was expecting Marty Jannety to run out and attack him.” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12

We come back with a Wrestlemania Montage…. oh, they’re selling the DVD…
“NUH UH! They’re doing it again.” – Dani

‘Heeeeere comes the money!’
Dani dances as Shane goes and gives the Shane Strut!
“Shane is losing relevance with the audience! Get him to do something crazy! STAT!” – Insyder JackPrimate
“Shane’s here to apologize for the shit diva match we just had to watch.” – Insyder FuryK

Shane grabs the mic at the top of the key. Shane announces that this is the first day of Summer and an important day in the WWE.
“The injury list is GROWING!” – Hernandez

In two weeks – it’s a tri-brand in two weeks. Thank God. It promotes change and change is inevitable.
“..it rhymes with Shane..” – Dani

Except with Vince who doesn’t change… such as at ECW.
“Or the last few years of booking.” – Me

Tonight, in that very ring, Shane & Umaga & Khali will be facing Bobby Lashley with John Cena.
“Even Shane can’t say that.” – Dani

Shane then rhymes and stuff… and Shane rocks!
“Look… he’s blushing!” – Hernandez
“Because he knows that rap sucked.” – Bill

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:21

Hardy Tyme!
“OMGITZTHEADDHARDYZZZZZZZWITHTHEBLACKLIGHTSNADTHETAGBELTSANDTHESTOCK
MUSICOMG!!!!!!!!!!!111111ELEVENTYSEVEN.” – Insyder bluelobster
“That eleventyseven was completely unnecessary.” – Insyder JackPrimate

Hey wait, Cade & Murdoch with them.. weird.

THE HARDYZ & CADE & MURDOCH vs. TWGTT & NITRO & DYKESTRA
Kenny has a dead animal on him….
“charrrliieee!” – Eric
“Dead animal on a pole match?” – Bill
“Throw that shit in a cage on Sunday and I’d buy it.” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
Nitro starts with Cade. Shoulderchecks drop Nitro. Hardshot dropping him and tagging into Cade. Cade throws Nitro to the ropes and elbows Nitro down.
“They didn’t know what to do with Nitro so they gave him to Kenny?” – Eric
“Well they didn’t know what to do with Kenny so they gave him to Nitro.” – Bill

There’s a tag to Matt and Nitro tags in Shelton. Matt fights in the center then back to his corner and a tag to Jeff. A double roll and a pin from Jeff. Tag to Matt and they are working Shelton over.

Matt hits the top rope and misses a something or another. Shelton now pushes him to his corner and a tag to Charlie! Charlie eats a back body drop and a tag to Cade. Charlie fights to his corner and tags in Shelton who immediately eats a drop toe. Tag to Matt – and a poetry in motion. Matt clotheslines him over the top. Jeff dropkicks Charlie over.

Someone leaps onto them. Bill believes it was Murdoch. I think it was Cade.
“I keep expecting Murdoch to go all Deliverance on Jeff.” – Insyder kromadas
“MURDOCH…FLY FATASS FLY!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa
“I missed Murdoch flying dammit!” – Insyder soak1313
“It’s ok, he didn’t flap his arms fast enough and fell.” – Insyder kromadas
“If only they had told Owen to flap his arms.” – Insyder JackPrimate
“(Simmons:ON) DAMN! (Simmons:OFF)” – Insyder KerryB
“Hey! Only one guy gets away with the cheap jokes around here and he’s the guy writing the column!” – Insyder kromadas
(Thanks kro!)
“With Hatton at the helm, you just KNOW that’s getting in.” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
(Yep.. I mark for Owen jokes)

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:33

We’re back! Mikey and Nina showed up! They’re friends of ours.. don’t mind us..

Ok, so the leap was Murdoch.. we’re not telling Bill though.

Anyway – Charlie rolls out Jeff and tags in Shelton. Shelty punches Jeff down.. knees his gut… tag to Kenny and a big fist to Jeff… HOYLE! Kenny gets Jeff into the monkeyflip spot. Tags in Nitro and the leaping elbow which is a nice tag move.

Anyway, Matt stops the pin. Jeff and Shelton now fight it out in the corner. Spinning heel from Shelton for a two count. Shelty now drops him into a chinlock. Tag to Charlie and he continues to beat down Jeff. Release belly to belly for two.
“Shades of Scott Steiner..” – Mikey
“Who says that?!” – Hernandez

Chinlock to Jeff again.
“So is this the only match tonight?” – Mike

Tag to Kenny and more holdspots all over Jeff. Kenny’s biting. Jeff finally hits the spinning neckbreaker. Final hot tag to Matt. Bulldog or two to Kenny. Nitro runs in and Kenny eats a reverse DDT – Nitro eats a DDT.
“Here comes the clusterf*ck” – Dani

And she’s actually not right as TWGTT stops the pin – Cade and Murdoch stop the TWGTT. Matt hits the Twist. Jeff hits the Swanton. The end.

WINNER: GOOD GUYS

So as the four are celebrating in the ring – Shelton gets the mic.
“Why did they give him the mic!??!” – Hernandez
“Out of the four? Who better?” – Eric
“”I GOTS A MIC FUCKA!” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa

The Worlds Greatest Tag Team wants a tag team match at One Night Stand. Hardyz agree to it as a ladder match. Sure.

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45

Todd’s back with John Cena – who gets boo’d to hell in Toronto. Todd asks Cena if he’s afraid of the Great Khali.

John doesn’t have many friends, so he only has his word, and he never goes back on his word. He’s NOT scared of the Great Khali.
“He IS scared of getting afraid of getting his asskicked though.” – Bill

Cena then proves he listens to the Rabblecast by not only saying ‘Punjabi’ but says ‘GRARRRRRRRRRR’

John then pontificates about One Night Stand.
‘Every line, this match is sucking more and more.’ – Hernandez
‘Gusto?’ – Bill
‘Hansel?’ – Me
‘Lemon Curry?’ – Bill

‘And the oscar goes to…’ – some drunk guy at the bar

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53

Maria… hi… wow… the Intercontinental champion. Santino!
“Just tongue kiss her and say that’s how you say hello in your country.” – Bill

Maria discusses the draft. Santino talks about how he’s just happy he’s in the WWE.
“Marella looks like a tiny Bruno Kirby.” – Insyder CaptainBarbossa

Maria giggles at his accent. ‘Is it Italian?’ – Maria
‘It’s New Jersey’ – Santino
‘Jamie are you going to start talking in an Italian accent?’ – Jeffrey
‘..umm… bell-ee-see-moe’ – Me

Orton steps in as Santino walks away… and he has something important to talk about.
“I saw your bag, and I couldn’t resist…” – Me

Orton discusses Shawn Michaels. Whatever.

Here comes RVD.
“Where’s the cheers?” – Eric
“They’re muting them.” – Hernandez

And…
“HEY!” – Bill
“GAY!” – Hernandez
“They do realize that these guys are going to give a good enough ten o clock spot match..” – Me
“That’s because it’s ten o’clock.” – Bill

RVD vs. RANDY ORTON
Who does WWE hate more?

“So… Rob, you high?” – “As a kite Randy..” – Me
“…allllwaaayssss” – Eric

Lock-up to start and Randy gets the backlock. RVD reverses it and Randy pushes his hands down to his crotch.
“TOUCH IT!!!!” – Bill
“FEEL IT!” – Me
“Yambag.” – Hernandez

Randy spins him around into a headlock.

SIGN OF THE NIGHT: ‘ANOTHER HEADLOCK RANDY!’

RVD reveses into a hammerlock. Randy back elobws. Tosses RVD to the ropes.. fighting for the armdrag. RVD gets it.
“REVERSE SPINNING HEADLOCK” – Bill

RVD charges in and a kick in the gut, and hammers RVD – only to get reversed by RVD with a leg scissor roll-up for two. Randy then bails to the outside.

Randy rolls in, and RVD gets him to the ropes and hits the monkey flip! RVD hits the ropes again, and Randy gets up for the rising kneelift. European uppercuts now from Randy. Brings RVD corner to corner. The ref breaks it up for a moment and RVD comes in with his own headlock – and Randy sends him to the ropes. Spinning heel kick drops Randy.

Spinning legdrop from RVD. Rolling Thunderrrrrrr-Randy bails. They fight briefly on the outside, and Randy gets back in with the upperhand – sends RVD to the corner – he leaps to the top and gets dropkicked to the outside!
JR: This must be hard for Shawn Michaels to watch…
“Hard for Michaels? What about the rest of us?” – Insyder SychoJason

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
“How come RVD never gets hit with a “you f*cked up” chant?” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“Cuz it’s expected.” – Insyder Captain Barbossa
“Because it would be the longest…chant…ever.” – Insyder SychoJason

Hey.. we’re back… headlock..
“HEY! A headlock” – Bill

Randy then garvin stomps him! Headlock. Someone remind me.. next week, we’re starting the Randy Orton headlock count.

RVD fights out of it. He’s launched to the corner and Randy charges him only to eat a boot. Leaping boot to Randy’s face. They punch back and forth…. Randy misses a dropkick and then hits the rolling thunder. A bunch of clotheslines. Highkick for two.

RVD hits a bodyslam. Moonsault for two.
“I like the way RVD hits a bodyslam.” – Me
“You’ve never seen that?” – Hernandez
“I don’t think I ever saw the nuances..” – Me

RVD gets up to the top for the Five Star… Randy rolls out of the way, gets up on the apron – Heelkick to the face.

RVD tries to get back in now but Randy is there and hits him with the second rope DDT. Pin for two.
“Of course he kicked out… he’s got a rubber neck..” – Jeffrey

RVD looks like hell there… they are really overselling that DDT…. RVD gets to the ropes and a big hard elbow to his face.
“Ya know, this is probably RVD’s ‘injury'” – Me

As he gets to his knees… he gets the fieldgoal kick and RVD is selling the greatest face ever.
“RVD’s dazed look is a pure example of art imitating life.” – Insyder SychoJason

WINNER: RVD
“RVD is not home right now…” – Bill
“Leave your message at the sound of the DEET!” – Me

The bell rings and Orton throws the RKO – and RVD FUCKING SPIKES HIMSELF!!!! TOP OF HEAD TO THE MAT!
“Who sells the RKO with their FACE!?!?!?” – Bill
“He’s fine….” – Hernandez
“His eyes aren’t dialating..” – Jeffrey
“His eyes are NEVER dialated.” – Me

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:20
“And that was RVD’s career everyone..” – Me

We get the JR serious voice to tell us that RVD might have a concussion.
“..i can’t wait til tomorrow… i get to sleep in..” – Me

Here comes Flair now with Torrie.

Victoria with Carlito!

RIC & TORRIE vs. VICTORIA & CARLITO
WOO

Starts with Ric and Carlito. Chops galore.
“Rics chops are like a fine cheese… aged to perfection.” – Mikey

Carlito tags Victoria…. and she wants a piece of that.. she slaps him down. She asks for one now.
“Do it again, I’m getting an erection.”- Bill

Ric drops her for the figure four. Puts it in and Carlito runs in to roll her over. She finally lets it go to tag in Victoria. He throws a dropkick and luckily hits the knee…
‘Use the sharpshooter!’ – Bill

Carlito actually does hit the one legged crab. Ric finally grabs the rope, and a tag to Victoria, who actually is looking quite adorable. Anyway, she taunts Torrie while the ref is distracted Carlito chokes out Ric. Victoria hits the ropes and Ric ducks… Carlito eats it and Ric gets the tag.

Torrie launches on Victoria! Hairpull throw.
“Chunks of pigtail everywhere” – Bill

Torrie hits the X-Factor and Carlito kicks her off and Victoria makes the tag!

Carlito kisses Torrie – she slaps him down – he hits the backcracker and that’s the end.

Torrie ate the backcracker HARD! Sideboob!

WINNER: CARLITO & VICTORIA

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:31

In the back Umaga and Khali talk. Comedy gold.

Shane interrupts, “Worst prom couple ever.”
“Best spot ever.” – Jeffrey
“We have reached an understanding.” – Bill

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:37

We’re back with Maria’s Kiss Cam! They keep showing ugly people and not Maria…. dammit..
“And Maria 3X tonight! Hatton’s having a stoke!” – Insyder Jack The Ripper
“Is that what you crazy americans are calling it now?” – Insyder JackPrimate

And then we’re interrupted by Masters…. Dammit…
“…the greatest wrestler…” – Bill

Maria is pouting that her spot was screwed up. He grabs a mic and comments about her interview with Marella earlier in the show. Masters challenges him to the Masterlock Challenge.

So nobody shows up, and Masters threatens to put Maria in the Masterlock…. NOOOOOOESSSSS!

Here comes Marella. He runs in and blocks some punches – throws Masters to the corner and leaps on him and gets pushed down. He uses Masters chair to launch into the Thesz Press.

Leaps for the flying cross, is caught and Masters throws a shoulderbreaker. The Masterlock is locked in..
“Clap if you believe in Italians..” – Bill
“That they exist?” – Eric

Santino starts to drop.. gets up.. starts to drop again.. and Masters throws him down.
“HE BROKE THE HOLD… in a way.” – Bill

And Maria looks sad.
“Poor Maria having to watch that travesty.”- Me
“The Masterlock challenge?” – Bill

Next – Handicapped match

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:45

Shaaaaaaaaane…. Umaaaaaaga…. Khaaaali…
“This should be a speech impediment on a pole match” – Me
“..and now a brief conversation on economics.” – Bill
“It IS impressive that Khali makes a samoan look small” – Hernandez

Here comes Lashley with a huge explosion.
“HE EXPLODED!” – Hernandez
“Due to spontaneous combustion, Lashley will not be wrestling tonight” – Me

Finally, to a chorus of boos… Cena!

SHANE & UMAGA & KHALI vs. LASHLEY & CENA
Handicapped.. in so many ways..

Khali and Umaga try and figure out who should go first..
“Rock paper scissors!” – Me
“You know, I would actually watch a sitcom starring Umaga, Khali and Shane. It would be ratings and comedy gold I tell you!” – Insyder kromadas
“With cameo appearances by Jim Hellwig?” – Insyder JackPrimate

Umaga starts with Cena.

ANOTHER GOOD SIGN: ‘Smart Marks Hate Cena’

Umaga beats down on Cena in the corner. Throws him countercorner, and Cena moves and hits the bulldog – but Umaga no sells it and hits the shouldercheck of his own.

Umaga throws John to the ropes. Cena slides under his legs – faceplant for two. Cena charges in and eats a chop to the throat.

CHANT: ‘Lets go Cena’ – ‘Cena sucks’

Tag to Khali. Booting Cena down. Picks him up and punch to the face. Tag now to Shane.

He comes in, stomps the mudhole into Cena and goes after Lashley so the ref is distracted for evil cheatings from Umaga. Shane locks in a chinlock and tags in Umaga.

Umaga continues to punch on Cena. Some ref distraction. Some choking. Cena tries to fight out of it, but a cheap kick through the ropes on Cena. Samoan drop.

Pin for two. Tag to Khali. Legdrop.. OWWIE!
“One of these days I want to see Khali just yell out ‘YOGA FLAME!'” – Me

Tag to Shane into the bodyscissors with some kidney punchies. Rakes his eyes. More kidney. Finally Cena fights to his feet. Shane still holding onto him. He charges into the corner and hits the blue thunder. They fight for the hot tag.

Shane gets Khali. Cena gets Lashley. Bobby spins around for no reason to hit Umaga. Charges him into the corner. Suplex– denied. Hits a DDT and goes for the four point spear… eats a boot instead. He stumbles to the corner and a blind tag to Khali.

Lashley tries to fight Khali, and it’s just a bitchy slapfight. Cena comes in and they double check Khali into the ropes for the gratuitous BIG GUY tied into the ropes spot. Lashley throws in Shane now as Khali gets out.

Khali hits the double arm chokeslam. Tag to Shane who sneaks up to the top turnbuckle. Hits the elbow!
“Boom shaka laka” – Bill

Pin and the win.

WINNER: SHANE – KHALI – UMAGA
“That was a surprisingly enjoyable match.” – Hernandez
“SHANE WINS! RAW IS SAVED!” – Insyder Kerry B
“I’ll be damned. Talent actually beat out steroids.” – Insyder kromadas

Vince meets them at the top of the key. Shane and Vince hug. They raise their arms victorious… the end.

And that’s that.
“Eh.” – Jen
“Pretty good for a memorial day show” – Hernandez
“It was nice to see wrestling again.” – Nina
“I want to go on Ebay and buy part of RVD’s face.” – Mikey
“RVD defeat.. LIES!” – Jeffrey
“Draft Draft Draft Draft *in sing song*” – Eric
“RVD dies as he lived.. on his neck.” – Bill
“*Shrug*” – Dani
“I liked it! I enjoyed it! Rabblecast #52 tomorrow!” – Me

We’ll see you all on Sunday for One Night Stand!

Night all.