There’s wrestling on tonight? Sorry, things are a bit hazy since I bought a Wii yesterday. I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend, if you’re a Sirius subscriber, you missed an awesome day on their metal channel which saluted those in metal who have died before their time.
Meanwhile, we’re going to turn our attention to ECW, the second most popular cable wrestling show. It’s all headed towards change as we’re headed towards another draft. Enough injuries have plagued the rosters where they’re finally going to shuffle things up a bit. It’s a good thing for the rosters of the three shows, but it’s a bad thing for the live crowds. I was in Boston for the Smackdown following Wrestlemania XX, a few days before the draft lottery and the whole show sucked. All I can remember is the World’s Greatest Tag Team faced off against each other and Farooq was fired. I also remember it being horribly boring.
So who caught the RVD match last night? Did anyone else think it was funny to hear Jim Ross talking about RVD wanting a legacy like HBK’s on what might be the last RAW he’s going to appear on? Did anyone else find it funny that it was one guy who they can’t keep in the company and one guy they don’t want in the company fighting each other? Seems like the Goodwill Tour of 2007 is more like the Farewell Tour of 2007. For those of you who missed RAW, check out the Monday Night RAW coverage elsewhere on Wrestling Pulse.
Did you read the ECW preview for tonight? A DISCUSSION BETWEEN LASHLEY AND VINCE! There’s nothing quite like a good discussion on a wrestling show. These two guys haven’t gotten to say everything that they’re going to do to each other yet, so let’s give them that opportunity. I bought a Nintendo Wii and I’m not playing it tonight because, gash darn it, I want to see a discussion. Do you know what title match had a worse lead up than this? Scott Steiner vs. Triple H. Unending boring handicapped matches and discussions are up there with a bench pressing competition, arm wrestling and a pushup competition.
There was some talk in making
Anyway, let’s keep up the mediocre at best wrestling programming.
We’re starting with the usual crowd panning, which is interrupted by Randy Orton’s music. Orton crashes my party and they’re gonna give him a microphone. You know what’s worse than a Randy Orton match? A Randy Orton promo. He’s pretty sure he’s not welcome in ECW after what he did to RVD. I’m pretty sure that he’s now welcome because of how much of my time he’s taken from my life being on my television set on a regular basis.
This segues into a recap video of the RVD vs. Randy Orton match from last night. I wonder why Smackdown gets to be it’s own entity, but ECW is constantly being invaded by RAW talent. I wish I could fast forward these video packages.
Orton does his usual lifeless stare at the video screen and continues his scripted promo talking about how everything he did happened in a match and how they have a stretcher match. That’s a shame. They’re putting Orton over RVD in a stretcher match on what’s supposed to be an ECW show one year after Rob Van Dam helped start the new ECW.
Tommy Dreamer decides to crash the party because he’s in Tommy’s house of ECW. Tommy challenges Orton to a match, and that draws a little bit of heat from the crowd. Apparently the crowd forgot that Tommy Dreamer doesn’t win his matches.
Either Orton’s gotten smaller or he’s wearing a sport jacket that REALLY doesn’t fit him, as he looks like an awkward teenager out in the ring. Randy finishes up by saying he’s going to kill the legend of ECW. Tommy looks at him like he’s an idiot, because come on, Vince started to kill it a year ago and it’s already all but dead.
Have you seen the One Night Stand match listing? I think they would have done better to not announce anything besides the main events, because this look bad. A pudding match? Good thing it’s not a title match or else that would violate the integrity of the women’s division.
Wait a second. An arm wrestling match at Saturday Night’s Main Event? Didn’t I just make the comparison to Steiner vs. Triple H?
Elijah Burke over C.M. Punk in a no DQ match by a POOOUUUNNNCCCEEEE into a table
Let’s get on to the wrestling match of the week. These guys don’t get the main event this week for some reason. Maybe cause the champion’s actually going to appear on the show.
Burke and Punk lock up and are evenly matches. Punk gets a headlock and wrenches it in and goes around for a hammer lock. Burke reverses it with a leg scissors and tries for his own arm bar but it’s reversed into another hammer lock. Punk drops some knees on the arm as he’s got it, then goes for some short shoulder blocks and kicks. The idiot crowd starts chanting for tables because they’re involved in a tables match. Jackals.
Burke takes control with yet another hammer lock and Punk goes under and around and once again has Burke in… a hammer lock. Burke fights out with some back elbows, but it’s cut short by Punk with a kick to the face. Burke goes to the corner and attempts to hold on to the ropes, but Punk pulls him up and Burke lands against the canvas back first.
Punk takes Burke down and gives him a roundhouse to the back, but that pissed Burke off (and probably hurt a whole lot too. No way to gimmick a round kick like that). Burke pops up and goes for some kicks and punches, but is met with some of Punk’s kicks instead. Punk takes his time getting to Burke and gets punched in the gut for waiting. Burke whips Punk into the corner , but is met with an elbow and a cross body block from the second turnbuckle. Punk gets a few back elbows in and clotheslines Burke over the top rope to the floor.
Burke throws a temper-tantrum outside and tries to bring a chair into the ring but instead he gets it kicked it into his gut. Ow.
We’re back and Burke’s got a bear hug on Punk. During the break, Burke picked up Punk and sent him back first into the post outside of the ring. Punk attempts to power out but gets driven into the corner instead. Burke gets some strikes in before going to a choke. Burke gets a springboard elbow on Punk in the corner and can only draw a two. TWO!
Burke goes back to the the bear hug because they’re friends. Burke clubs the back a bit as Punk refuses to submit. Instead he’s summoning the power of the Punkamaniacs. Punk rolls up Burke, but can only get a two. TWO!
Punk’s face s met with a punch from the ground as Burke takes back control. Elijah gloats a bit before trying a pin twice, but only draws a two. TWO!
Burke tries mouthing off to the ref, thinks better of it and goes instead to punch Punk in the stomach. After some more rib torture, Burke goes for the table, to the delight of the idiots in the audience. The table’s set up in the corner and Punk rolls up Burke for a two. TWO!
Punk blocks some strikes and gets some in of his own. He’s got full control after a NICE enziguiri. That only gets a two though.
TWO!
Punk knees Burke in the face a few times and we get a triple irish whip reversal into the opposite corner from the table, followed by a rising knee from Punk, then the bulldog is reversed into a belly to back suplex. Punk’s hurting and Burke is slow to get up. Punk’s on the ring apron and pulls Burke’s throat down onto the ropes. Punk then MISSES A SPOT BY A MILE AND A HALF. I don’t know what he was trying to do, but he wound up falling off the top turnbuckle like a sack of shit and landing at the feet of Burke instead.
Hey, someone’s gotta take Sabu’s place, right?
Burke covers and buys Punk two second to regain some composure as the crowd bathes him in what I can recall as his first “you f*cked up” chant. Whoops. Burke pulls Punk back up as Joey and Tazz make excuses. Punk gets up and hits his strikes and Punk has Burke ready fora GTS, but it’s interrupted by Marcus Cor Von and a chair. Punk fights off Cor Von, eventually hitting him with the chair and as Punk goes to put Burke through a table, Burke turns around and kicks him in the ribs.
Burke goes for a body slam but Punk’s eyes get raked and as he’s recovering he gets hit with the POOOUUUNNNNCCCEEEEEE into the table. Cor Von celebrates like he just got out of his TNA contract and Punk is out as Burke covers him for the three count. What a good match.
We’re back. Woo hoo. Vince is somewhere besides being in front of the crowd. Vince takes the opportunity to make fun of Joey’s use of the name “Joey” saying that he sounds like he’s 12 years old. Vince then takes the time to make fun of Tazz’ name, saying he sounds like a medieval gargoyles. Then he makes the comparison that Lashley’s name starts with an L and so does “loser”. They exchange pleasantries and Vince starts to interview Lashley. Lashley’s confident about this weekend.
Vince wants to know what makes Lashley tick. Lashley says it’s having his title.
Do you really want me to comment on this? Here are some talking points.
– Vince is from the streets
– Vine is gonna show Lashley why his name is “Mr. McMahon”
– Lashley will hurt Vince
– Lashley has shiny white teeth
Holy cow. Stupid doesn’t even begin to describe that. If you find it on YouTube, send them a takedown notice on the grounds that it’s a waste of storage space and bandwidth.
Remember that video package we already saw of Rob Van Dam and Orton’s match? Well, in case you missed it the first time, here’s a repeat. And because the WWE thinks it’s okay to use the same thing twice, I do too.
This segues into a recap video of the RVD vs. Randy Orton match from last night. I wonder why Smackdown gets to be it’s own entity, but ECW is constantly being invaded by RAW talent. I wish I could fast forward these video packages.
Extreme expose is dancing to a Nelly Furtado song. Once again Kelly is behind the other two girls. I wonder where she learned to dance. Carmen Elektra?
Kevin Thorn over Balls Mahoney by Original Sin without breaking a sweat
Thorn looks like he’s lost weight. Like 120 lbs of it. The crowd remembers who Balls Mahoney is, which is a positive thing. You’d think that these two would be on the same page.
Thorn gets some punches to start, but it cut off by Balls, but Thorn quickly takes control again. Thorn throws Balls through the turnbuckles into the post and Balls cries like a little girl about it. Balls is met by a spine buster and then the Original Sin for the three count. It’s like this isn’t the same Balls Mahoney that they brought in to One Night Stand last year to be put over Masato Tanaka. Well, it is, but now you can see the influence one man (Paul Heyman) can have over one show.
Backstage the Major Brothers are talking about RVD, when Matt Striker interrupts. He knows that they have first names and he gives it a try incorrectly naming them both. He knows their names, I haven’t cared to learn them yet. Striker lays some vocabulary down on the Major Brothers before pumping the draft once again. Striker throws down a challenge for the Major Brother he hasn’t yet beat in singles competition. Which one? I’m not sure.
Randy Orton over Tommy Dreamer by RKO
They start the match with some collar and elbow action that goes nowhere besides a few headlocks. Tommy can’t win a shoulder block competition and goes for a headlock of his own. Tommy gets a headlock to the face and Randy can’t suplex him back over the ropes, but instead drops his throat on them and drop kicks him to the floor.
Dreamer’s back in and Orton’s back to the headlock. Orton goes to the top, but can’t get a move in and instead he gets superplexed by Dreamer. Dreamer gets some punches in and drops Randy to his knees and knocks him down a few times until Randy reverses a whip and goes for a drop kick but Tommy holds onto the ropes and Randy falls flat. Tommy rolls through for a two. TWO!
I’ve never understood why missing a drop kick is sop bad in the first place. It’s not as if you’re not already going to fall on the ground when you’re done anyway. Oh well. Dreamer hits a bulldog and a spine buster but can only get a two. TWO!
Dreamer puts Orton in the tree of woe and hits a drop kick followed by an inverted DDT that only draws a two. TWO!
Orton hits an RKO out of nowhere and that’s the match.
Orton hits another RKO because one wasn’t enough and Dreamer is struggling to get to his feet. Orton goes for the running boot to the head but backs down for some reason. We wait a minute and Orton hits it anyway. This draws RVD out to the ring and he gets hit in the head, which drops him quick to the mat. The crowd chants for RVD as Orton’s music hits and the show ends on a huge anticlimactic ending.
The Inside Pulse
The CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke match was enough to make this usual crap in this show watchable. Don’t let these two fool you, the rest of this show was crap.
