Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover. Most of us, I would imagine, understand this proverb to be only partially true. Certainly, if we see a Fabio-esque fella on a book jacket, nipples exposed, we know what we are getting into. If he’s holding a dame in a ruffled dress, it is girl-porn. If he his holding a broadsword and stabbing a mutant lizard, it is geek-porn. Likewise, I’m fairly certain it is perfectly just to judge Feng Shui for Dummies based solely on its redundant title.
Now, I’m not saying we can properly compare the merits of Anna Freud vis-Ã -vis Melanie Klein via book jacket, nor even V.C. Andrews to Anne Rice, but at the very least we can glean some useful information.
Judging a DVD by its box
We’re entering the summer school portion of CPO. As such, let it be known that class participation is encouraged, attendance is not mandatory, and no points are awarded for effort.
To the topic at hand:
Let’s start with kid movies this week. (We might go back to this topic in future editions, to discuss things like the Peter Travers rule.)
There are a lot of great kid movies out there. We’ve got classic Disney stuff from Snow White and Dumbo to modern Disney stuff like Lilo and Stitch and The Emperor’s New Groove. We’ve got Pixar films, The Iron Giant, Babe, My Neighbor Totoro, Zathura, and tons more good kid/family movies.
How do we avoid the bad kid flicks? Well, I’ve taken a sampling of 5 of my daughter’s movies, ranging in quality from mediocre to “dispenses as much pain as a claw hammer to the septum.” The first thing I notice, critic quotes, in particular a lack thereof. Each of these films has two or fewer critic quotes. We’ll also explore taglines, and whatever other warning signs there are to be found.
Here is the data:
Arthur and the Invisibles
2 critic quotes
– (Front) “Hilarious and wildly entertaining!”
from Steve Chupnick Movieweb
-(Back in the body) “Mixes together elements of Indiana Jones, King Arthur, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids“
From Allan Hunter, Daily Express
1 tagline
-Adventure Awaits in Your Own Backyard
Other Warning Signs:
-Jimmy Fallon credited in cast list
-a credit to genius products, llc, the fellas that brought us UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine
Verdict: We have two critic quotes, but from unrecognizable sources. The second quote doesn’t actually address the quality of our film, but instead lists that of which it is derivative. Shock of shocks, this film isn’t very good.
The Wild
1 critic quote
-(Back in the body) “truly infectious!”
from unnamed writer at The New York Daily News
1 tagline
-Disney’s Wild and Witty Comic Adventure!
Verdict: The Wild served as a film critic’s whipping boy. Not only was it banal, but it went into theaters not long after a strikingly similar picture. Even so, it is a telling sign that the best critical response Disney PR could find on the picture compares The Wild to a disease.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers The Movie
0 critic quotes
2 taglines
-You Ooze, You Lose
-The Power of Teamwork overcomes all!
Other warning signs:
-Midget in a bad pig costume on the cover
Verdict: I think everybody knows exactly what they are getting with a movie like this one. If you don’t, I cannot help you.
Doogal
1 critic quote
-(Front) “Laugh out loud funny! An adventure that both kids and adults will love!”
from Janet Stokes of the Film Advisory Board.
1 tagline
-Things are gong to get hairy.
Other warning signs:
-Jimmy Fallon’s name appears on the box FOUR times
-Also appearing 4 times, Whoopi Goldberg and Chevy Chase
-Ten production companies appear on the credit list.
-Another appears of “genius products” (this time as inc not llc)
Verdict: Until we find Hitler’s corpse, reanimate it as a super-zombie, and make it sit down on a digital video disc, Doogal will remain the worst thing ever put on a dvd.
Happily N’Ever After
1 critic quote
-“Hilarious… a delicious family treat!”
from the Film Advisory Board.
1 Tagline
-Fairy Tale Endings Aren’t What they Used to Be!
Other warning signs:
– half dozen production companies listed
– rated PG for “rude humor”
-superfluous apostrophe in film’s title (but to be fair Moby-Dick has a similar strike against it)
Verdict: Did you notice? THE FILM ADVISORY BOARD. Just like with Doogal our only critic quote comes from the Film Advisory Board.
Now Doogal goes so far as to smash a FAB award winner logo on it’s box. Prestigious award right?
Wrong.
The FAB seal of excellence has also graced the covers of such DVDs as Deck the Halls.
So what gives?
The Film Advisory Board does not critically evaluate movies. Instead, they are the poor man’s MPAA. They evaluate movies based on how appropriate they are for children and whatnot.
Therefore, their seal of excellence merely mean that the film has no gore, the characters don’t swear, use drugs, or f*ck. This is precisely the opposite of the CPO seal of excellence.
Janet Stokes, head of the organization, said herself that the FAB doesn’t review movies. It determines which are suitable for children.
One fella has gone so far as to call the FAB award, THE SEAL OF DOOM! Personally, I always thought of walruses as seals of doom, but I see the fella’s point.
Outro
At any rate, it is about time to wrap things up for this week. I’ve moved CPO to Fridays, so don’t bother looking for it on Thursdays. In a couple of weeks, hopefully, I’ll have a surprise interview for y’all.
