JunkNewsEditorial! RVD Puts Us All In Our Place

About the internet rumors- one thing I have to know. How can “reporters” put their name on reports that continually end up being bull shit and maintain any credibility? Always wondered that. As for how it feels reading about yourself? Sometimes it’s flattering, sometimes it’s offensive, sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it’s just silly but too lame to be funny.

-Rob Van Dam

Well said sir. Hello everyone. You might know me as GRUT, but to many in the wrestling industry I’m known as RVD Jr. This is not because I look like RVD, talk like him, smoke like him, wrestle like him or like watching his matches. I also rarely write about him and in fact just discovered his existence a few minutes ago while reading MM’s report about him. I have no idea what the odds of this happening were, but every time the man has appeared on television I’ve either been in the bathroom or fallen asleep or looked down at the top of the head of the girl blowing me. Still, many call me RVD Jr. and I think I’ve read enough about RVD to respond to his statements.

To address your first point, none of us have any credibility. Read this: Inside sources report that Rob Van Dam is divorcing his wife, leaving her for his new girlfriend Michelle McCool. Is that true? Of course not! Is it going to hurt you and your family if anyone believes that even this, written as an example of an irresponsible statement and followed with a statement that says the statement is false, is actually the truth and decides to report it? Probably. And yet I can do it without a care in the world because I don’t know you and thus enjoy your pain. To further answer your statement a wise man once said that we’d have better knowledge of what is true and false if your douchebag bosses wouldn’t treat us like the f*cking plague and might actually let us interview a talent every now and then and let wrestlers answer the charges levied against them by the websites. When we can’t we need to take Scherer and Woodwind’s word for what barely passes as news. Not that you’d care, you’re so busy humping Michelle McCool (By the way, NICE).

And how does it feel to read about yourself? You think it’s silly? We spend so much time writing our articles and term papers and you call them silly? It has taken me five hours to write what I have so far. I have a crippling bone disease which causes my fingers to break with each key I press. Luckily I heal pretty fast but by the time I’m finished with an article the bones in my hands are basically dust. I am so thrilled my crippling disability brings a smile to your face. Then again you smile a lot for pretty much anything. Stare and smile. Fucking stoner, GET A JOB!

It couldn’t have been easy to read all of the reports on the Internet when you and Sabu were pulled over with six pounds of pot in your car and he was caught on camera giving you road head (didn’t actually see the video but I pieced the above together from various reports). That was the beginning of the end for you (like Sabu’s road head). If only the Internet had kept their mouth shut this could have all blown over (like Sabu’s road head). And now everyone is blabbing about you not wanting to resign with the WWE because you’re so frustrated that you’re gnashing your teeth (like Sabu’s road head). How dare we look into and comment on your life without knowing 100% of the facts?! Who do we think you are, a public figure?

In conclusion Rob, this is your biggest fan RVD Jr. talking, please don’t criticize us. I don’t go to where you work and knock Michelle McCool’s cock out of your mouth.

Word. Life.