Inside Pulse Roundtable for WWE One Night Stand

Hi guys and gals, welcome to the Inside Pulse Roundtable for WWE One Night Stand. Please leave your coats at the door and take your shoes off. Help yourself to the beer in the fridge, then come and grab a seat in front of the telly.

ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Street Fight
ECW Champion Vince McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley

Charlie Marsh: If there’s one thing Vince can do in the ring, it’s get his ass kicked in a street fight. I imagine that’s what happens here, with Lashley getting his title back and people continuing to not care about him.

Winner – Lashley

Pulse Glazer: All story logic states that Lashley should win, but he really has no other heels to deal with, so Vince will retain and we’ll drag this out. Please get Lashley off ECW.

Winner – Vince

Danny Cox: After that exciting upon exciting “discussion” on ECW on Tuesday, I mean I’m just at a loss here. Not really, but it proves that Lashley still can’t talk to save his life. With the draft on the way, I think Lashley is moving somewhere else since more stars can now fall in ECW’s proverbial lap. The ECW Champ being on any show BUT ECW is just plain stupid while the other two big belts are movable. Vince keeps by shenanigans and Umagaference then losing the belt to someone else who will be drafted to ECW.

Winner and STILL Champ – VKM (no not the crappy former NAO)

Ben Morse: While there’s still a small, itty bitty part of me wondering if Vince doesn’t plan on holding onto the strap and dragging it into a rumored Summerslam showdown with Rey Misterio, the more conventionally wise part of my consciousness says that Lashley regains the belt despite judicious interference from whomever will be his Summerslam opponent (my money is on Umaga with an outside chance of Marcus Cor Von). The match will not be great as all of Vince’s decent showings have come against guys he can realistically brawl with when you involve weapons (Flair, Hogan, Michaels, even Austin) but a powerhouse like Lashley shouldn’t even flinch, meaning this match has no legs.

Winner – Lashley

Kace Evers- Vince receives assistance from Shane McMahon, Umaga, members of the Jacksonville Jaguars and some random indy wrestler nobody knows, only for Lashley to Hulk up and beat Vince with the Davey Boy Powerslam.

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Matthew Michaels: Well, this one’s not that obvious, despite (a) WWE liking to “send the fans home happy” to close out PPVs, (b) this no doubt going on last and (c) Lashley finally having Vince “one-on-one” should mean he finally gets the belt back. IF Lashley wins, I see Shane having something to do with it. The younger McMan has been dropping hints that he’s the better mahon since Vince won it, and remember SHANE was the one who booked this match as a one-on-one bout. I will probably be wrong here, and I know I’m letting my fantasy-booking tendencies to get in the way, but something tells me Vince keeps the belt and ends up losing it to Mysterio by Summerslam, so

Winner – Vince McMahon

Allen Noah: From what I’ve heard, Vince is loving his reign as champion and feels as though he is a valuable asset as a performer so I have a feeling he might hold onto the title here. Again, due to the uncertainty of the Draft and where Lashley may end up, that may not be a bad thing. Lashley clearly isn’t working out in ECW and has much more of a Raw or Smackdown personality to him, namely Raw. I say Vince wins here which may actually be the right decision for once.

Winner and still champion- Vince McMahon

Iain Burnside: In tribute to WWE redefining repetition whilst charging for the privilege of watching, I shall simply cut and paste my comments from the Roundtable from Judgement Day for all the matches that highlight an equally apathetic approach from the booking team. Hence – Instead of watching this match, why not masturbate? Not to this match. Unless you are so inclined. In which case, whack away. Whack it good. Whack it out the park. Baby, like a bat out of hell. Breaking out of my body and flying away… like a bat out of hell…. doom-doom… like a bat out of hell…. I’ve lost sight of why I’m writing this. However, I do enjoy the thought of them introducing a Handicap Title at some point in the near future. C’mon – Michael Pena? Matt Cappotelli? Zach Gowan? Eugene? Matt Hardy? The division practically writes itself…

Winner – LASHLEY YES LASHLEY

Vinny Truncellito: I guess they’ll “screw” Lashley here and save the “big” title victory for SummerSlam.

Winner – Vince McMahon

WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Falls Count Anywhere
WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Great Khali

Charlie Marsh – This could be a fairly interesting match, as Cena always brings the goods in a brawl and Khali is really tall and impressive looking, so it’ll look good when he gets beaten down. Now, with any luck this ends this insipid feud.

Winner – Cena

Pulse Glazer: This will be the same as 2 weeks ago. This match can’t be exposed like this if Khali is to retain any cred.

Winner – Cena

Danny Cox: This is actually a very very good card for a PPV until this. I mean come on. Falls count anywhere with a man that takes ten minutes to get to the ring and not on purpose like Taker. Really? I want the belt off Cena, but is giving it to a man who has a tongue the size of a shoe really the lesser of two evils?

Winner and STILL Champ – John “Better With BSquared” Cena

Ben Morse: More tools for Cena to work with throughout the arena means this could well be Khali’s best match ever. Cena goes over with Snitsky waiting in the wings for a marginally better feud.

Winner – Cena

Kace Evers- Khali should win, therefore he will not.

Winner: John Cena

Matthew Michaels: Cena wins.

Winner – John Cena

Allen Noah: This match scares me because due to the gimmick attached to it, it means that John Cena can lose the title and still look strong as a result. I really can’t imagine that the WWE puts the title on Khali though, especially with the Draft coming up. I’ll be at Raw the night after this though so if Khali does win, maybe I will get to see my dream fulfilled of a 2-hour Khali acceptance speech sans interpreter, LIVE!

Winner and still champion- John Cena

Iain Burnside: Let’s go round again, baby, we’ll turn back the hands of time – This is going to be the greatest match in the history of the world in the moments between the opening and closing bell. Or not. What is really important here is whether or not we will get to see the Great Gary showcase his fine walking skills to their finest extent. I heartily endorse the idea of re-enacting the “Peter Parker on Venom jives down the street” scene from Spider-Man 3. Sure, it would probably end with Great Gary chopping some gal on the head, standing over her, looking immensely proud of himself, yelling “GWAR!” whilst doing the groin-chopping motion, but wouldn’t that be better? Wouldn’t it be better if he was in every scene in that film? “You killed my father!” *chop* “GWAR!” … “Rent!” *chop* “GWAR!” … “I am French” *chopchop* “GWAR!” … “There are no hazelnut cookies” *chopchopchop* “GWAR!” … and then he could return for Gary-Man 4 to tackle The Lizard Iron Shiek and Kraven WOYAH The Hunter. The look of growing incomprehension and unrestrained intolerance on his face as Aunt May blathered on about dead people and crying would be a winner – as would any chance for scenes in which Great Gary plays the piano. Seriously, take a look at the guy. He quite clearly can’t get London Bridge is Falling Down out of his head. And if it is falling down, why can’t they build a tunnel? It’s so infectious it even threatens his fine walking skills! Alert Bib Geldog, something must be done to prevent this travesty. Concert for Diana? Concert for Great Gary! Chopchopchop on Elton John’s piahnah. Piah piah piahnah, piahnah, piahnah. GWAR! Huh! What is it good for!? Absolutely something. But not this?

Winner – JOHN CENA, with his RUTHLESS AGGRESSION

Vinny Truncellito: It’s simple. If Khali couldn’t stop the mighty Super-Cena in a standard match, he has no chance of surviving a contest in which Captain Amercena can use weapons. I can’t imagine anyone but HHH taking the bling-belt from Cenaman, and he does owe the Game a job, if I recall correctly.

Winner – John Cena

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Steel Cage Match
World Champion Edge vs. Dave Batista

Charlie Marsh – This one won’t be too bad, considering Batista’s motivated streak since Wrestlemania. They should give Edge the win here, then hopefully give him someone new to play with as Batista may be improving, but a new challenger to freshen things up is needed.

Winner – Edge

Pulse Glazer: Edge looks to get a long reign. He’s the best thing in the WWE right now, in ring and character wise and truly deserves it. I’d buy PPVs for Edge and Benoit for the strap.

Winner – Edge

Danny Cox: Really getting sick of Batista. He’s boring as hell and so much better as a heel. I honestly hope he ends up somewhere after the draft or with enough main eventers to turn heel. So sick of DAVE! Edge isn’t losing the title yet, just isn’t.

Winner and STILL Champ – Edge

Ben Morse: Two guys still on hot streaks as far as good matches with a month of chemistry now under their belt–I like the chances for a good match here. Edge keeps the title for what logic dictates should be the launch of a lengthy run as champ.

Winner – Edge

Kace Evers- This’ll mark the 4th PPV in a row in which Batista will be in a match for the World Heavyweight title, the 3rd of which as a Challenger. Hopefully, Edge spears him back to the midcard somewhere so he can play with some others.

Winner: Edge

Matthew Michaels: Edge wins.

Winner – Edge

Allen Noah: Again? Really? I’m not really sure why since their match at Judgement Day left a lot to be desired. Considering the quick turnaround this would have been a perfect opportunity to reward Finlay with a title shot as a thank you for his work with the divas. Batista isn’t going to win here anyway so why not?

Winner and still champion- Edge

Iain Burnside: Once more, with numbness… and possibly a Durango – If I ever went to a WWE Q&A, meet and greet type of event, I’d go up to Edge and say “Did you know that there is a guy in U2 called The Edge? Is he related to you? How come he got the definitive forename? What band does The Christian play for? What’s a Metalingus?” You see, it’s perceptions like those that get me the big bucks. And by bucks, I mean pennies. And by big, I mean small… and brown… and well-used… and discarded. Much like the World Heavyweight Title, actually. Well, except for the big part. Matt Hardy is also not anti-unbig. Many people think that he should have gotten this title shot on account of having a built-in, ready-to-go rivalry with Edge and having recently defeated Ken Kennedy and WWE having the opportunity to steadily build a Batista/Edge feud with some more depth than ‘you have, me want, me smash you’. Those people are clearly the sort who we should wish well on their future endeavours. After all, what sort of message would it send out for a Smackdown guy holding a Raw title to get a shot at a Smackdown title on a Raw, Smackdown and ECW PPV, which would also give him a PPV pay-day when Randy Orton can instead get one for emerging triumphant from a conflict with a German hotel room? C’mon, that’s just silly. Instead, we can begin this unprecedented feud in a lame, plodding, matter of fact manner. With a bit of luck, given his opponent, we might also be able to expose Edge’s spear for the fraud that it is.

Winner – the rated third superturd, blunt! I mean, EDGE!

Vinny Truncellito: The Rated R Superstar will carry SmackDown! for the foreseeable future. Sorry, Big Dave.

Winner – Edge

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Ladder Match
World Tag Team Champions The Hardys vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Charlie Marsh: Will we see the Hardys finally split up after anticipating it since last November? Probably not, but they’ll probably lose, likely due to the Rednecks taking them out.

Winners – TWGTT

Pulse Glazer: This is the only reason to order the Pay Per View in my opinion. With the Cade and Murdoch team as tweeners and the Hardyz as faces, TWGTT would be great heels to be chased for the next few months.

Winner – Benjamin and Haas

Danny Cox: Match of the night or match of the blown spots, you decide! This will be a very good match none the less and one I have been looking forward to for a long time. I think it is time the Hardyz lose the titles and it is about damn time that TWGTT gets them since teaming back up. And considering the look on the Redneck’s faces when the challenge was laid out on RAW, I think here we finally see the swerve and they cost Matt and Chubbykins the belts.

Winners and NEW Champs – TWGTT

Ben Morse: Holy show stealer–this match should own. Here’s the question: obviously the Hardys still have outstanding issues with Cade & Murdoch, but could said issues give way to a feud without the belts involved? I’m gonna go out on a bit of a limb: yes, yes they could. I’m actually going to go a bit off the reservation here and say Cade & Murdoch cost the Hardys here, they return the favor on Raw, and we’ve got a three way feud going into the summer.

Winners – WGTT

Kace Evers- Deuce & Domino show up, simply ’cause they never get to be on PPV and they’re pissed about that, show off their WWE Tag Team titles and then get promptly beat down by the Redneck Wrecking Crew…oh, and the Hardy Brothers win.

Winners: Matt & Jeff Hardy

Matthew Michaels: So from reading the dirtsheets, the result of this match is going to be dictated purely on “does Vince want to keep the Hardyz together as a team” or not. With a draft coming, and the World Tag belts being on a team comprised of a RAW wrestler and a SD wrestler, I have no clue what will happen here. I say put the belts on the heels and let the Hardyz and the Redneckz chase, but eventually Cade & Murdoch are going to turn on Matt & Jeff, so

Winners – The Hardyz

Allen Noah: Unless they were told not to, I was shocked that Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler did not mention the disappointment on the face of Cade and Murdoch when this match was made. Cade and Murdoch have been playing the nice guys role for far too long and as a showing of their dismay, I think they cause the Hardy’s the titles here. Oh and if Matt Hardy is reading, maybe if you dressed like a wrestler and not like a loser you would be in the main event scene. Maybe.

Winners and new champs- Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas

Iain Burnside: Let’s play a game of “What They Would Rather Climb Up The Ladder For?” Matt would clearly prefer to saunter up for Lita, or perhaps for another vat of hair gel. Jeff would rather have a box full of exotic and lick-worthy toads, though he would settle for meth, horse, skunk, ecs, blow or a pack of Sherbet Dib Dabs. Shelton would love it if he could climb up the ladder to get to another ladder, and then jump up that ladder to reach yet another ladder, and then race up that ladder to a different ladder, and then repeat the ladder-hopping spree until he was towering over the surface of the moon, at which point he would lose his balance and have to repeat the blown spot, thus costing him his push because we hate high spots. Charlie would only truly find redemption if he could climb up the ladder and then come down the other side as a black man. No such joy for Honky Haas tonight, sadly, although he should at least be content with finally getting back to having a decent (and black) tag partner instead of Rico (not black, nor even Samoan) or Bob (emphatic ditto). There shall be no title change, obviously, and the match may well be little more than a blatant plug for the Ladder Match DVD, while the booking shall probably wind up as little more than an excuse for those charming cowboys to finally snap, but it’s still going to be fun, dammit. Lots of things going jump, flip, whee, spin, flop, twirl and splat. We enjoy such sounds. Also, let’s hear it for the Hardys. They had the match of the night at Judgement Day, which admittedly was not a major feat but still indicative of their fine level of performance of late. Perhaps Jeff is finally off the drugs and Matt is finally off the girls. Stinky girls. Stinky drugs! Combine the two and what have you got? Shane Douglas, with moobys to titilate and a pancreas that irritates! And who wants that? Nobody, that’s who, not even TNA, and they’ll take anyone, especially if they have a pancreas. Do these four have a pancreas each? Yes. Do we dwell on them? No. There-in lies the difference. The ability to jump, flip, whee, spin, flop, twirl and splat all the way towards stealing the show. Bring, bring, bring it on. I’d watch the PPV for this match even if it was on the card of WWA Inception. Watch, not buy. And I’d be skipping a lot. But not twirling. Don’t try this at home or at school, kids! Do it in the abandoned warehouse!!! Do it for Charlie!! Make that cat black, dad, dad, daddy-o!! Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light…

Winners – MATT AND JEFF/THE HARDY BOYS/TEAM EXTREME/THE HARDYS/NOT SHELTON BENJAMIN AND CHARLIE HAAS/NOT TEAM ANGLE/NOT THE WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM/NO TITLE CHANGE/DO YOU GET THE MESSAGE YET?/ BUY THE WWE LADDER MATCH DVD AVAILABLE FROM ALL GOOD RETAIL OUTLETS AND WAL-MART

Vinny Truncellito: Now this is interesting. If they use the draft to consolidate the tag team ranks, Fingers and I will be born again. I don’t think it’s time to swap the straps just yet, but hopefully this feud kicks into high gear as a result of this match, and look for the Cade/Murdoch angle to advance as well. I for one am hoping they stretch it out all the way to Survivor Series, completely earning the Hardys’ trust before turning on them, perhaps in a post-draft unification match. As long as Matt and Jeff don’t “Matthews-ize” Benjamin or Haas, this should steal the show.

Winners – The Hardy Boyz

PUDDING MATCH
Women’s Champion Melina vs. Candice Michelle

Charlie Marsh – How classy.

Winner – Candice

Pulse Glazer: The hundreth time and for the hundreth time, I still don’t care.

Winner – Melina

Danny Cox: Smegma, straight up.

Winner – Candice Michelle

Ben Morse: Yum…?

Winner – Candice

Kace Evers- Just picture Bill Cosby doing commentary the entire match.

Winner: Candice Michelle

Matthew Michaels: Really? Uh non-title match so I say Candice wins, but this won’t end pretty for her

Winner – Candice Michelle

Allen Noah: So much for a classier direction for the divas.

Winner- Candice Michelle

Iain Burnside: Well, thank heavens it’s non-title. Wouldn’t want to put any pressure on the pudding. I’ve run out of things to say. It’s like sitting on the toilet. Try as you might, sooner or later, there’s nothing you can do except flush. And so our tangled web of plumbing continues…

Winner – the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be, or, you know, like, whatever, CANDICE MICHELLE

Vinny Truncellito: Great balls of fire! They go to the trouble of building up Candice as some sort of actual wrestling threat to the champ, then pit them against each other in a soft-core porn match? Ugh! What’s the point? It might as well be the Stripper Title, or the Hooker World Championship.

Winner – Non-Title? Candice, I guess

SIX-MAN TAG TABLES MATCH
CM Punk & Sandman & Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke & Marcus Cor Von & Matt Striker

Charlie Marsh: This is probably the nail in the coffin for The Originals, considering Sabu’s departure and RVD’s impending departure. They’ll probably get knocked out early leaving Punk 2 or 3 on 1, then phased out of the show entirely from here on out. I’m willing to bet Striker will be eliminated on the New Breed side of things, to further the tension between him and Burke.

Winners – Burke, Cor Von, and Striker

Pulse Glazer: All logic suggests the heels win to continue to build heat, but this is a very heel win heavy Pay Per View, so I don’t see that happening. The faces will win to keep the fans happy.

Winners – Punk, Dreamer, and Sandman

Danny Cox: This could be a fun one especially after the good match Burke and Punk had on Tuesday. I just hope that they make it so all three men on each team have to go through tables for the other team to win. And after watching Punk lose and Dreamer get decimated by Orton, you kinda would think they’d win this one but I’m not so sure. I tell ya what I would like to see is Punk turn on the Originals and say it was a clever plot all along. It’d be like a quintuple swerve. {coin flip}

Winners – Punk/Dreamer/Sandman

Ben Morse: If this is Texas Tornado rules with no tags, it could be one heck of a brawl. With conventional tag rules, Punk will have a lot of carrying to do as his partners will be lost. I see the New Breed going over as they–Cor Von in particular–need the heat on them.

Winners – New Breed

Kace Evers- Thanks to the events of ECW On Sci Fi, the New Breed 2.0 have a clearer path to victory, as Chick Magnet’ll still be feeling the effects of the Pounce through the table and Dreamer’ll still be feeling the effects of a couple of RKO Diamondcutters and a kick to the face from Randy Orton. Plus, the New Breed 2.0 need the win. Striker’ll still get eliminated though, just to annoy Burke & Alpha Male.

Winners: New Breed 2.0

Matthew Michaels: Punk keeps beating Burke, so I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the Originals takes the pin here and puts the heel team over. Maybe Cor Von can start a fun little feud with Dreamer or Sandman? Although the obvious end is Punk winning with a pin over Striker I’ll go un-obvious this time around.

Winners – New Breed

Allen Noah: I must say, this is an interesting little match. Burke lost to Punk at Judgement Day and while I disagreed with the logic then, I would disagree with it even more in this scenario. Faces usually tend to win Table Matches but this series needs to go back and forth if they want to continue it. Then again, the draft leaves some uncertainty as to what the future of ECW will hold but nonetheless, I’m going with Team Burke.

Winners: Team Burke

Iain Burnside: We need to make-over these people with new entrance themes. Musical accompaniment is EXTREME¬¬¬¬¬. Punk so very clearly requires “Hip to be Square” and a hoverboard. Sandman requires “Hips Don’t Lie”, more beer, and a hula hoop… juuuuust picture it. Dreamer should be rewarded for his troubles with the use of “Real American” so the audience can actually pay attention, if not stay awake, when he comes out. But only the once. After that it’s back to Jerry Lynn AM Radio. Burke needs to get Charlie Haas’ music and the new name of ‘Charlie Haas’ and the rights to team with Shelton Benjamin whilst everybody else remains convinced that nothing has changed whatsoever. Cor Von and “With My Baby Tonight”. Clearly. As for Striker, let’s go with something that really cooks. Something like “My Lovely Horse”. Observe:

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Winners – NEW BREED

Vinny Truncellito: I’d like to see Striker cost the New Breed the match, and have that be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. If Burke and Cor Von turn on the teacher, his face run might be interesting.

Winners – Punk, Sandman & Dreamer

STRETCHER MATCH
Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam

Charlie Marsh: I suppose leaving WWE on a stretcher is better than the treatment Jericho got on the way out, so that’s…something. I’m liking Orton as the Concussion-ator though.

Winner – Randy Orton

Pulse Glazer: The single biggest reason I’ll be avoiding the PPV is this travesty. Orton, after more mistakes than RVD ever made, is still being pushed and given the rub by taking out RVD’s “legend.” Randy is bad and doesn’t even need the rub of this win. At the very least they could have built a star as Rob left, but with this we get nothing positive.

Winner – Orton

Danny Cox: RVD’s last match was like 3 weeks ago. Did yall know that? Another hard match to call because RVD is supposedly on his way out but Vince was pissed the rumors were leaked so may have him win here but Randy has been on a roll lately so who knows. All I know is that RVD sold the RKO like a champ. Stretcher matches really are never that fun though. {coin flip again}

Winner – RVD

Ben Morse: Will RVD put on a show on his way out? Since I’d wager he’s “auditioning” either for TNA or even a last minute contract renewal, I’ll go with a yes.

Winner – Orton

Kace Evers- Randy’s punishment for once again making WWE look bad and being sent home early from a tour is getting to clock Shawn Michaels and sending Rob Van Dam off to TNA or wherever? Yep, that’ll teach him.

Winner: Randy Orton

Matthew Michaels: Well, unless RVD re-signs within the next few days, this is a pretty obvious pick. Randy gets the rub, Van Dam jobs on the way out (with built-in injury angle in case he eventually comes back to WWE after taking the well-reported “time off” he’s looking at), and hopefully we get a show-stealing match. Yep. You heard me. They can’t do the Orton/HBK non-match again, not this quick. Well at least I hope they don’t. One thing I hope they DO — move Orton to ECW. Now that he’s killed the legend of ECW, he should stake claim to being the NEW ECW LEGEND.

Winner – Randy Orton

Allen Noah: Speaking of gimmick matches I don’t like, the Stretcher Match! The rules are always different and much like when I ripped the Last Man Standing match a few weeks ago, I hate the idea of wasted time in matches. Rob Van Dam is on his way out so there really isn’t much to talk about here.

Winner- Randy Orton

Iain Burnside: Speaking of music, we now have HEY! versus one of a kind, or perhaps GAY! versus more of the same. These song lyrics are fascinating. Did you know that Randy Orton sees the look on my face? And then apparently I tried to drown him once, though I guess I failed because now I’m wondering what he possesses. Um, is it loaded? An everlasting gobstopper? A Professor Plum card from an old Cluedo game he donated to his local Oxfam store? And RVD’s lyrics are just plain disturbing. He has voices in his mind telling him it’s killing time!? And he finds it “a thrill”?! And the cops let this guy go?? Oh well, at least his song has ample use of the word ‘HEY’ too. It’s a fine word, to be sure. I’d like to see this match consist of them standing in opposite corners of the ring, yelling “HEY!” at one another – first one to get bored and leave is the loser. [Hint: RVD got bored and left] When I was watching WrestleMania there was a very similar match between me and my friend Katie. The only difference was we were using the word “CUNT!” and it went to a time limit draw, which is an extreme ending, to be sure, to be Irish. And don’t get me started on Edge’s song, the bulk of which is apparently directed at “Honest Abe”, which is terribly wrong for a Canadian. Or how about young Montel Vontavious Porter’s, with it’s dashing pelican allegory? Terrifying, if even further off-topic than I had dared to stray.

Winner – Head Honcho of the Headlock, MISTER RANDY ORTON

Vinny Truncellito: Farewell, RVD. Hope to see you in TNA soon

Winner – Randy Orton

LUMBERJACK MATCH
Kane vs. Mark Henry

Charlie Marsh: This will be the requisite “bowling shoe ugly” match. Not expecting too much from this one.

Winner – Mark Henry

Pulse Glazer: Are you serious? THIS get’s a PPV spot? How sad. Henry is being pushed, yet again, because it always works out so well, so it looks like he’ll get the duke here in a real barn burner.

Winner – Mark Henry

Danny Cox: Because there’s build-up here eh? I guess they felt bad putting Kane on the Judgment Day poster and then him not making it into a match on camera. Should be fun though if the lumberjacks actually do anything. I tell ya I would enjoy seeing them all jump into the ring and Kane and Henry just start taking them all out left and right in a big ol’ throw down. Alas, they will continue to push Mark Henry for all his worth although we realized long ago that wasn’t much.

Winner – Mark Henry

Ben Morse: Yikes. Poor Kane…

Winner – Mark Henry

Kace Evers- Gene Snitsky runs and beats up everybody…only to be knocked unconscious by the returning Molly Holly.

Winner: Mark Henry

Matthew Michaels: Yeah, I don’t care about this match at all, although it should be a fun way to get more people on the show. Hopefully Henry doesn’t hurt anyone, and there will be lots of fun with plunder, maybe setting up a new feud or two leading into the draft and Vengeance But Kane doesn’t need the win here.

Winner – Mark Henry

Allen Noah: I know I am sometimes negative regarding the booking (alright, all the time) but I truly do not and never will get the point of a Lumberjack Match. Can you remember one “classic” Lumberjack Match? All they do is take away from the action in the ring. I understand it’s a gimmick PPV but surely they could have come up with something better than this. I’m guessing Mark Henry picks up the win here because it’s too soon to stop any momentum he may have upon his return.

Winner- Mark Henry

Iain Burnside: Many of you might be wondering why this match is taking place. Well, I can now reveal, in a Pulse Wrestling EXCLUSIVE (so long as the server hasn’t crashed again), just how they do it. Michael Hayes takes all the names of their shite wrestlers and puts them into a vase. Gary gets to smash the vase and then pick up one of the names. Michael Hayes then takes all the remaining names and puts them into a second vase. Gary then smashes that vase and picks out another name. Michael Hayes then puts a number of stipulations into a third vase. Gary smashes the vase and picks out a stipulation. Hence we get [Wrestler X] versus [Wrestler Y] in a [Stipulation Z] Match. Gary is rewarded for his fine contribution with a 25% pay rise and an orange lollipop, which makes him applaud. Depending on the venue, he might also receive a free popsicle, soda or ice cube from the various vendors whose sales are considerably spiked whilst this match takes place. Those make him happy too. Sadly, the simultaneous toilet rush does not amuse him. Gary finds toileting a highly private matter and abhors urinals. His Kryptonite is those little blue urinal cakes. Pelt him with one of them and he’ll hide under a table, singing “War Pigs” and sucking his thumb until all the bad people go away and he is free to relieve himself in the comfort and privacy of his own kitchen. Gary struggles to differentiate between sinks. I believe this match is Kane and Mark Henry in a Lumberjack Match.

Winner – unless one of the Lumberjacks is Colonel Sanders, let’s say MARRRRRRRRK HENNNNNNRYYYYY…

Vinny Truncellito: Wow. I can’t imagine what genius thinks this match will sell anything other than nachos at the Jacksonville Veterans’ Memorial snack shack. The “Silverback” appears to be in line for his annual pre-injury push, so

Winner – Mark Henry

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